I could quit right now and no one would blame you

There are days, and lately an ever increasing number, where I think "Well, that's fine. I could quit and that would be good enough. I mean, who would blame you? You've done more than most and it would be completely understandable." I keep contemplating it. I had the same thought the first time I ran a marathon. At 19 miles I was exhausted and thought for a long time, as I continued to trudge on, that I could quit and it would be ok. I mean, look at the distance I just traveled. 19 miles is nothing to sneeze at and maybe that's good enough. I wish I had a story about catching my second wind, about rallying, about the bigger goal. My only thought was that at this point, it wasn't just me who was invested in the choice I made to run this. It was everyone. My parents who got hotel rooms for us near the finish line so I would have a place to shower when I was done, my now fiance who waded through traffic and people to be there for me, and my boss who was ultimately the one to watch me cross the finish line and snag some photos of it. It wasn't just my time and money at that point, it was everyone else's too. At mile 19, how could I stop when everyone had invested in seeing me finish? I owed it to them as much as I owed it to myself to see it through. And when I crossed that line, the wave of emotion that washed over me was something I was unprepared for. It meant more to me that I thought it had and I think having that mental tug-of-war with myself during the actual event is also what added so much weight to the moment.

Here I am again, with the same thoughts and I am reminding myself that it is, once again, not just me that is invested in this journey. It is my now fiance, who has moved with me to make this possible. My parents who help with everything that they can, even being hundreds of miles away. It is my support system that have all helped me get to this point. And I feel like if I don't finish, if I don't dig in and complete this thing, I will have let more than just myself down. And That is something I cannot handle. I realize that it is okay to be selfish in life, if something isn't making you happy, then you should try and fix it or walk away. And I'm not unhappy, I'm just tired...of so many things, but tired none the less and walking away would be so easy if it were just me in this. But it isn't and because it isn't, it takes that option off the table for me. Good, bad, or indifferent, I know I have to trudge the rest of the 7.2 miles left of this journey. Truth be told, I'm more than half way and as much as I'd like to, I can't quit now.

Now is the time to dig in, bite down, and give the biggest Mufasa rawr I can muster. Now is the time where you have to want it more.
Now is the time.

Loyalty Above Else

Because I view loyalty and trust as two of the most precious commodities in existence, I find betrayal and two-faced behavior abhorring. While not going into the specifics, a professor sent in an "anonymous" tip to a regulatory agency about my lab. I wholeheartedly doubt that the professor herself saw the transgression, rather her students, thus leaving me to question the supposed friendship I once had with the students in the other lab. I'm not sure yet if there was malintent or not...truthfully, I doubt that I'll ever be able to find out if there was, but I can say that I trust all of them less now.

I'm frustrated by this entire event. Here I thought we were all a band of brothers, waging war on the unknown, standing hand-in-hand at the precipice of the edge, daring the world to ignore our data and our knowledge. I thought we had a kinship that united us, be it close or far, in our unanimous pursuit of the unknown. I guess I was wrong? I feel betrayed. I don't understand why someone wouldn't come to me, to my lab, to my boss and discuss any possible transgression so that we may address the issue in house, rather than taking it up the command chain. Why is that the first thing to do? Are we all such immature children that we can't acknowledge a lack of perfection and discuss potential remedies amongst ourselves? Must we always stay in this prepubescent stage of telling on one another and pointing out when someone has done something wrong? Why is this behavior ok? Why does it persist? More importantly, what does anyone gain from it? I have no answers, and I doubt I will ever. One more reason I prefer to not work with humans.

I am an eternal optimist and I've identified over time that my biggest fault, I feel, is that I immediately trust people. I trust them until they give me a reason not to trust them. As I can not go around asking each person in that lab who felt it necessary to go above our heads and report us, I feel I can trust none of them. Fuck this microaggression and these cat-and-mouse games. I'm done with them, I can be equally vindictive and malicious. I'll keep an everwatchful eye out for the next thing they do wrong and then I'll respond in kind. Watch your six...