I could quit right now and no one would blame you

There are days, and lately an ever increasing number, where I think "Well, that's fine. I could quit and that would be good enough. I mean, who would blame you? You've done more than most and it would be completely understandable." I keep contemplating it. I had the same thought the first time I ran a marathon. At 19 miles I was exhausted and thought for a long time, as I continued to trudge on, that I could quit and it would be ok. I mean, look at the distance I just traveled. 19 miles is nothing to sneeze at and maybe that's good enough. I wish I had a story about catching my second wind, about rallying, about the bigger goal. My only thought was that at this point, it wasn't just me who was invested in the choice I made to run this. It was everyone. My parents who got hotel rooms for us near the finish line so I would have a place to shower when I was done, my now fiance who waded through traffic and people to be there for me, and my boss who was ultimately the one to watch me cross the finish line and snag some photos of it. It wasn't just my time and money at that point, it was everyone else's too. At mile 19, how could I stop when everyone had invested in seeing me finish? I owed it to them as much as I owed it to myself to see it through. And when I crossed that line, the wave of emotion that washed over me was something I was unprepared for. It meant more to me that I thought it had and I think having that mental tug-of-war with myself during the actual event is also what added so much weight to the moment.

Here I am again, with the same thoughts and I am reminding myself that it is, once again, not just me that is invested in this journey. It is my now fiance, who has moved with me to make this possible. My parents who help with everything that they can, even being hundreds of miles away. It is my support system that have all helped me get to this point. And I feel like if I don't finish, if I don't dig in and complete this thing, I will have let more than just myself down. And That is something I cannot handle. I realize that it is okay to be selfish in life, if something isn't making you happy, then you should try and fix it or walk away. And I'm not unhappy, I'm just tired...of so many things, but tired none the less and walking away would be so easy if it were just me in this. But it isn't and because it isn't, it takes that option off the table for me. Good, bad, or indifferent, I know I have to trudge the rest of the 7.2 miles left of this journey. Truth be told, I'm more than half way and as much as I'd like to, I can't quit now.

Now is the time to dig in, bite down, and give the biggest Mufasa rawr I can muster. Now is the time where you have to want it more.
Now is the time.

Loyalty Above Else

Because I view loyalty and trust as two of the most precious commodities in existence, I find betrayal and two-faced behavior abhorring. While not going into the specifics, a professor sent in an "anonymous" tip to a regulatory agency about my lab. I wholeheartedly doubt that the professor herself saw the transgression, rather her students, thus leaving me to question the supposed friendship I once had with the students in the other lab. I'm not sure yet if there was malintent or not...truthfully, I doubt that I'll ever be able to find out if there was, but I can say that I trust all of them less now.

I'm frustrated by this entire event. Here I thought we were all a band of brothers, waging war on the unknown, standing hand-in-hand at the precipice of the edge, daring the world to ignore our data and our knowledge. I thought we had a kinship that united us, be it close or far, in our unanimous pursuit of the unknown. I guess I was wrong? I feel betrayed. I don't understand why someone wouldn't come to me, to my lab, to my boss and discuss any possible transgression so that we may address the issue in house, rather than taking it up the command chain. Why is that the first thing to do? Are we all such immature children that we can't acknowledge a lack of perfection and discuss potential remedies amongst ourselves? Must we always stay in this prepubescent stage of telling on one another and pointing out when someone has done something wrong? Why is this behavior ok? Why does it persist? More importantly, what does anyone gain from it? I have no answers, and I doubt I will ever. One more reason I prefer to not work with humans.

I am an eternal optimist and I've identified over time that my biggest fault, I feel, is that I immediately trust people. I trust them until they give me a reason not to trust them. As I can not go around asking each person in that lab who felt it necessary to go above our heads and report us, I feel I can trust none of them. Fuck this microaggression and these cat-and-mouse games. I'm done with them, I can be equally vindictive and malicious. I'll keep an everwatchful eye out for the next thing they do wrong and then I'll respond in kind. Watch your six...

More Work?

I've been back in the lab, post Qualifying Exam now, and the steam is starting to pick back up. The 3 weeks I took away from the lab to study for it weren't really 3 weeks away, but the main focus of my work had stopped. I've begun setting up experiments and getting plans together but since then, I've been added to another 2.5 projects bringing the total up to 5.5. On the one hand, I don't know that I mind that much because it should result in the publications I need to graduate, however, the boss still seems to expect that everything is being moved forward every week and while I've only been back in the lab for 4 weeks, I don't have too much data to show because my experiments take ~45 days to set up and execute. When I'm not working on my main projects, I'm also managing the lab for him (this includes: attending safety meetings, making sure others are trained and follow the safety standards, maintaining lab supplies, managing the lab "chore duty" schedule, making the reagents that we all use) with no additional pay bump (not that I've asked for one). I do see he is a bit more "lenient" with me than the other members, but I still can see the surprise on his face when I don't have "more data" for him from week to week in this past month. I'm not really sure what he is expecting or where else I can improve. It never seems to be good enough. I always get the fatherly disappointed face when I can't remember a paper we discussed over a year ago (journal, authors, year published, main factoid of the paper) which is...exhausting and exasperating. I feel like he has forgotten what it was to be a grad student, or maybe just that his expectations are too high, or maybe a combination of factors but I do know that he pushes us pretty hard with little to no acknowledgement of the times we do perform or do succeed and it gets old.
I'm just starting my 3rd year and I feel like the next 2yrs that I have left are going to be nothing short of brutal. Buckle up and let's get down to business.

I meant to keep updating, I really did.

I've meant to keep updating this thing, I swear I did. I promised myself that I would spend 1 hour a week updating this blog, I mean that isn't that much time, right? I also swore to keep running, at least 5 days a week for 30 minutes - 1 hour. Not that much of a time commitment to myself, after all, I deserve some me time, right? I was wrong. I was gravely mistaken.

So, not to make excuses, but let me just review the goings on of the last year.
I took the remaining classes necessary for me to be able to sit for my qualifying exam. I bumped up production of my own project dramatically, took on a back up project and when our lab manager left, I began to assume her duties. Those duties are not trivial ones either and do place a high demand on my time. So when I wasn't in the lab, I was at home studying or reading for class.
In this last year, I also presented a poster in NOLA which was great, my first real poster session since my masters with all the people in the new field I've chosen. As the spring quarter began, I knew that the QE season was upon us. I began trying to get the members of my cohort together to study on a weekly basis, which started out well but quickly petered out. Also, I was asked to take on a collaboration with a lab located on the opposite coast, which meant that I would have to fly to and from on a semi-regular basis to actually do the experiments myself in their facility. While I saw this as an awesome opportunity, I also saw the time commitment it was going to take and I was already concerned about my QE. I voiced my concerns to my boss but he seemed little interested and pushed on. I made 2 trips out to the other coast, each trip lasting a total of 3 days (including travel time) and all requiring layovers. These 2 trips ended up being 8 and 4 weeks before my QE. Needless to say, while I was flying I was also reading and reviewing. In the end, my boss also gave me 3 weeks off to study for the exam and review, I feel like I could have used more time but, it was sufficient.

I would also like to paint a picture of my QE since everyone's is different, and the format itself depends upon the university as well as the department. Mine was a 3 hour exam, split into 2 parts. Part 1 being focused solely on my project, I was supposed to get 20 minutes of uninterrupted time to explain my project's hypothesis, aims, and hypothetical outcomes. After which 5 professors try to poke holes in the project and see how well you can come up with answers based on your knowledge and your background. We then get a 10 minute break, followed by Part 2, which is focused on examining general knowledge of the topic, 2 inside areas, 1 outside area and a designated emphasis (equivalent to a minor as an undergrad). Each of these areas are represented by a professor on your committee and they get to ask you questions until they are satisfied of your knowledge. At the end, they kick you out of the room and deliberate if you demonstrated the knowledge base required to advance towards candidacy. If you don't, you can retake the exam 1 time, if you should not pass, there is no option to "Master out", the university requires removal from the program. So no pressure not pass, right?
From my own experience, I did not feel prepared going into the exam. I knew how much I didn't know and that was terrifying. I knew my project well, but you never know the kinds of questions that will be brought up and what kind of perspective people will bring to the table. I walked out of my exam with my head hanging low, expecting that I had failed. Given how hard the questions were, how persistent they hammered on some topics, I was sure I would have to retake the exam. I began to ask myself what I was doing, why I was even in the program. Was it all a mistake?
Luckily, and I'm sure by the skin of my teeth, I passed. My 10 minute existential crises was for nothing, but it is surprising what those 10 minutes can do to you.
I spent the weekend relaxing and taking time to just...exist without feeling rushed to do something. It was a great 3 day weekend.

My preparation for the QE was exhaustive, the number of papers I read for my topic insane. I also chose to do my outside area on a topic that I actually hadn't taken as a course, so I had 10 weeks of material to learn on my own in a few days worth of time really. The review group that I had set up only made it through a little more than half of the textbook and there were still other areas that needed to be studied. I could feel knowledge oozing from my brain and I felt like my retention rate was diminishing. I'm sure that in the process, in order to make more room, I had to delete memories of my childhood or important information linked to something somewhere...though what it may be, eludes me... as I would expect it would.

As I began back in the lab, I was excited to get started. During all of this QE nonsense, I agreed to take on an undergraduate trainee, take on another collaboration with our department chair's lab, and write a mini review for a journal. I met with my boss yesterday and he put me on another project. So all told, I have about 4 projects to work on and 1 paper to write. Oh, and I had a recent methods paper accepted where I am second author. So...the stress level comes back up to 11 and we're off to the races again.

I have friends visiting this weekend, I fly out on Monday to visit the collaborators, fly back Tuesday afternoon. I have a massive experiment that will span Thursday-Friday and then I catch a flight to go visit my family for the weekend to celebrate my dad's birthday. The pressure won't stop. So much to get done in so little time on so little sleep.

Also, some happy news, I also got engaged last February, marking 5 years together, and I'm sure we'll begin planning the actual wedding soon enough.

In the end it will all be ok

"In the end it will all be okay, if it is not okay, it is not yet the end."

This seems to be the mantra of every grad student.

No seriously.

Everyone seems panicked and trying to find a way to calm themselves down. It is a good quote and luckily it is true. There seem to be a myriad of things that really do bring a student to complete insanity and it is a wonder more of us aren't more screwed up than we are. I mean, who would do what we do for the pay we earn and still think we're "okay"?

Seriously, there seem to be a never ending series of demands placed on our time. There are seminars we have to attend weekly or biweekly. We have classes where we are required to read anywhere from 2-6 papers (primary science journal articles...if you've not read one, I encourage you to try...it takes quite a lot of energy, focus and pure will power to get through them) per class per week (say we take the average of 4 papers and 3 classes and a 10 week quarter, that roughly adds up to about 120 papers...if each paper requires a minimum of 2 hrs to get through that is 420 hours a week at minimum) and we have to plan/execute our experiments. We also have to worry about our funding and writing grants, constantly wondering if grants will get renewed or if we'll have to teach..."what if our PI doesn't get tenure? What if they get a better offer decide to move? Do we have to go to? Will we have to start over again with someone new?" Oh, and on top of it all we are also required to keep an overall 3.2 gpa during this whole process as well. So if we factor in a social/romantic/family life...really there is not much time left for things like cleaning/cooking/sleeping.

They say that there are mental health professionals available exclusively to graduate students, which is great and I can see a need for them. There is a tremendous amount of pressure that we are under and I know a few of my colleagues have sought out there help. Unfortunately, from what they've said...these "professionals" are of little use. They basically instruct my friends to "suck it up" and "find a way to deal" with everything. Great advice...why didn't they think of that?

I do see though that everything does turn out okay. Grants get funded (sometimes just sneaking in). I've seen other PI's get private funding at the last minute. I've seen us all panic before exams only to come out the other side with A's and B's. Each time we hold our breaths a little longer, stress a little more and question what we're doing but everything does turn out fine.

I'm a year away from taking my qualifying exams. I have to start prepping soon. By the end, I'll have to know a textbook backward and forward. Know every aspect of my project and a majority of an "outside" subject that I've yet to select. I see how scared some people look at the idea of even attempting this. But the truth is... I know that by the time I'll be in front of my exam committee, I'll be ready, as will the rest of my cohort. I recall being an undergrad and seeing the Master's students write their theses and thinking to myself "there is no way I could write a book. And that's why I'll never do a Master's or a PhD. I mean, who can talk about science THAT much?!" But it turns out, by the time you get there, you'll be ready to do it. You don't even realize that you are. It sort of happens. You get trained by great professors (if you've chosen wisely) and you work hard for them. It is a total Karate Kid kind of thing. You get Miyagi-ed.

With all of the "wax-on", "wax-off" and "paint the fence"...you learn what you need to know and you can stand before a committee of professors, your peers, and professors that have become your peers...and be able to defend your work.

And for all the worrying that goes on...really, it turns out okay.

So is my message "don't worry"? no... no it is not.

If you're not scared, you're not doing it right. You should be terrified. But everyone needs to remember that the worry will make you better and you'll be okay in the end.

To modify a great quote:

Just keep pipetting, just keep pipetting...just keep pipetting pipetting pipetting. What do we do? We pipette

Till next time. Keep pipetting

The first year in review

I've not been writing as religiously as I intended. The beginnings of this program were rocky and I felt I almost lost my footing. Now, my first year as a PhD student is coming to a close, I feel like I've been through so much this since I've moved and began this journey that it couldn't have all taken place in such a short amount of time.

Beginning with home life, I move in with my girlfriend and together we've made a very nice place for ourselves. There are still a few things we'd like to change or do, but living in an apartment definitely limits your options. Living with someone else has taken some adjusting, on both sides, but I think we're cohabit acting quite nicely together. 

My girlfriend moved up here with a cat (Abbey) and, back in September/ November, we felt she was getting rather lonely...so we adopted another friend for her to play with. His name is Perry, after the Disney character, due to the loud purring noises he makes and propensity to disappear. He is fun, full of love and a little Derpy. He has become very attached to me in a very short amount of time. He likes to sit in the office with me while I study or read and during my breaks from work I've taught him several tricks (including: sit, stand, shake, lay down, roll over). He also likes to play fetch with us, and occasionally runs around with his tongue hanging out. 

The first year of a PhD is filled with classes, seminars, reading and rotations. It seems like they ask you to learn and do so much...way more in fact than anyone actually has time for. We lose a lot of sleep, eat poorly, and exercise less than we'd like. By we, I mean the collective first year cohort. The first quarter we were here, we had 4 classes together and saw each other rather frequently. As the year has progressed, we've begun seeing much less of one another...due to difference in classes and difference in lab locations. The campus and lab spaces are spread throughout two cities so locations of labs do play a role in where you rotate and eventually where you will live during the remainder of your degree here. 

My first 2 rotations were in labs located 30ish minutes away by car from main campus. Initially, for my first rotation, I was biking every day to main campus and then taking an inter campus shuttle to the secondary area. This did make commuting rather difficult as the bus stopped running at 7:30 pm. For "normal people" this wouldn't be much of an issue, but for graduate students who live in the lab it does present a problem. My first lab was one that never stopped. Without exaggeration, there was always someone in that lab...24/7 there is someone there. Everyone keeps very different hours and there were no windows in the lab so you rarely felt the pull of night telling you it was time to go home. I began feeling that my commuting via bus was causing tension (having to leave early, so I wouldn't be stuck in a city without a ride home) and so I bought a parking pass and began driving out there. Where this did ease some the stress and tension I still felt like things weren't quite clicking. The research done in this lab involved a lot of cancer biology, a bit of HVGD and some emerging studies with viruses. I felt that the environment was a tough one, but I could thrive there given the opportunity to do so. The PI of the lab was rarely there, living in another state, and relied heavily upon the opinion and information provided to him of his current students. Upon exiting his lab, he stated that he liked my work but had another student rotating with him and needed to give them a shot before offering me a position. I said that I understood and moved on to my next rotation.

My second rotation was in a lab that was also part of a hospital. There were several layers of security and screening to go through just to rotate there. The first 2-3 weeks of my rotation, the PI of the lab wasn't present. He was gone due to an illness and a conference and so I began my rotation very haphazardly. There were conflicting reports of what project I was to work on and who with. Things got off to a very rocky start, but eventually settled down a bit. I found myself working hard and being asked to help with other things, but the research itself wasn't one that really got me excited. It focussed heavily on the immune regulation of arthritis. I wanted to be thrilled and excited about it...I really did. The PI knew it wasn't the area I wanted to go in to and while he liked my work, he acknowledged that fact. As I exited his lab to start my 3 and final rotation the PI of Lab 2 offered me a spot and indicated that I would be free, in his lab, to pursue my interests of infectious models while working on immune regulation of arthritis. I thanked him for the offer and said that I had to give my 3rd rotation a shot before I committed. 

Right around the time I was leaving Lab 2, I had heard back from Lab 1 and was told that I would not be offered a position. That did make me a bit worried...I mean, I knew I wasn't the best fit for that lab, but I really wasn't thrilled about Lab 2 and Lab 3 was to have 4 of the 6 graduate students rotating through with only enough money to take on one student. That left me feeling like I had little hope of getting in to Lab 3 and that Lab 2 would really be my only option.

I felt stressed, tired and frustrated. I felt rejected. 

While most of this was occurring classes were still going on and in the first quarter. One of my classes only had 2 exams...a midterm and a final. I studied hard for the midterm but wasn't prepared for a section and got a C on it. I was eventually called in to the Dept. Chair's office and he asked me what happened, why I wasn't performing and told me I needed to make a change. I felt defeated. I broke down that night. After the final, I knew I hadn't aced the exam, but I didn't fail it either. I got the score back and was excited at first. I got enough points, or so I thought, to earn a B in the class. But the grade on the website said C+... how could that be? Each exam was weighted differently and as such it shifted my grade downward instead of upward. I was crushed. I thought this meant academic probation. Academic probation means no stipend. No stipend means loans. Loans were not an option in my mind...so that meant I was done.  What a failure, what a waste...of time, money, energy. What was I going to tell people back home? That was just too much and I was scared. I was never so happy to have my girlfriend with me. She talked me through it, told me everything was going to be okay. And it was. The official grade ended up being a B. I'm sure they curved it so that I wouldn't get a C+ and to keep me off of academic probation...that's the thing they don't tell you when you get into grad school. They don't want you to fail, they've already invested a lot of money in you and don't want you to drop. So they help...where they can. My Second quarter went much better, I was back in the swing of classes, back to studying harder than ever and I got mostly As and a B+.

During my Second quarter my 3rd rotation started. When I began my rotation, the PI indicated that this spot was a highly sought after one and that he tested his students to see how badly they wanted in the lab. The way that he knew that they were passionate about this work was that they would know not only about their projects but about everyone else's as well. I knew I had to be on point. I worked hard, stayed late, slept little, I asked everyone about their project and took notes while they explained. I said yes to whenever anyone needed anything. I made suggestions, I asked for input, I did everything I could. In the end, a week before my rotation was to end, I had a meeting with the PI. He quizzed me, asked me hard questions and each time I answered, I was asked another. It was terrifying. At the end of the meeting, the PI told me he needed to think about things and confer with the current students. I waited almost a week before he sent me an email offering me a position.

The sense of elation was mirrored only by my acceptance to this program. I was in. I had a new home. It meant being in a lab that studies the kind of stuff I want. I didn't have to move to the secondary campus. It meant that things really would work out.

It really was fantastic and I couldn't have been happier.

My third and final quarter of my first year, as I said, is coming to a close in a couple weeks. The second week in June is the week of finals...rapidly approaching and in that time, so much has changed.

Since moving here, I've flown home a few times to see my family and they've come a few times to see me. It is different, like I knew it would be. My room is still..."my room" but...it is distinctly not at the same time. I miss my parents a lot, and I know they miss me too. It is really hard for my mom. Each time they or I leave, she hugs me tightly and cries. Even when we Skype, she tears up. It is hard being away from my family, but it had to happen sooner or later. At 26, now 27 years old, it was time to move out...time to move on. I lived at home as long as I could and it was time for a new adventure.

With all of these changes, I'm excited and terrified to see what year 2 will bring. 

Hopefully this coming year, I'll be writing more. 

'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane

Tomorrow, at this time, I'll be in the sky. Less than 24 hours from now I begin my journey to Italy for a conference. I'm packed (baring a few last toiletries) and ready to go.

I'm definitely nervous about the whole thing. I've traveled on my own before, but this will be the longest trip I've ever been on (3 weeks out of the country), the farthest from home I've ever been, and I will be (for a majority of the trip) in countries where I do not speak the native language. I think that these are fair reasons to be pensive about the experience.

Tomorrow I will begin an arduous journey, taking 3 flights to reach my destination. Once in Italy, I will take a 1.5hr bus to get to my hotel from the airport (hopefully I'll make it through customs in time and wont be late).  I know that I'll feel better once I'm actually at the conference; I'll be there for a week and I feel that it will allow me the opportunity to relax and gain my bearings before the next leg of my trip.

At the conclusion of the conference, I'm again taking a bus back to the airport, but this time it is to meet my girlfriend. We'll have two days in Italy before we need to join our tour group and again once I've joined the tour group, I think both my girlfriend and I will be able to breathe a bit easier because we wont be "in charge."

At the conclusion of this trip, I will have been through 6 countries in total (this includes 1 layover I have...I think any time you set foot on soil, it counts as having been in the country...so I'm including it!).  My parents, for a graduation present, bought me an amazing camera that I'm going to be taking with me on this trip, so I hope to have some great pictures of all the places I visit.

I did graduate this past Tuesday; it was really anticlimactic and the speeches were horrid. As I sat there listening to the "words of wisdom" being offered by the dean of the college, the president of the university and a member of the alumni association, I felt...annoyed at best. I actually felt bad that my parents and girlfriend took time off of work to sit through that. Not everyone is an amazing orator, and I know that, but you would think that these people (all of whom have higher level degrees) could have prepared something a little more...inspirational. The member of the alumni association was vapid at best. Every time he spoke, he said things like "I know how awesome my titles make me sound." I grew weary of him and the crowd. Also, it was anticlimactic because I still have so much work left to do. It will take me quite a while to finish it and I dont really feel like I'm "done."

This trip is a much needed vacation...it will help hit the "reset" button on my outlook toward research and toward my new program. I'm excited for it.

I don't think I'll be updating this (unless there is frequent and free wifi...though I doubt it) for about 3 weeks. I'll post pictures when I'm back and review the trip.

Here is to safe travels, good food and memories that will last my lifetime

"Travel, in the younger sort, is a part of education; in the elder, a part of experience."
-Francis Bacon 

Thoughts on the Universe

Though this post is seemingly tangential to the path to a PhD, it is a subject that falls within the scope of this blog. It combines knowledge in science and a bit of philosophy. And since the following occurred while working to obtain my master's degree, I feel that it qualifies to be shared here.

Months ago, one night, as I was studying or reading (the actual event that inspired the thought escapes me now) I had a thought about the origins of the universe. The Big Bang is the event that the scientific community acknowledges created the universe, but science has yet to explain what occurred before this moment. None of the technology we currently have can explain it. We can, however, explain the moments immediately following it. We also know that the universe is ever expanding and growing...an interesting thought really. So beyond the bounds of the growing universe what exists? Nothingness? An absence of matter? It begs a lot of questions that I do not pretend to know or even understand. 

What I do know from my limited knowledge of physics is that something that is expanding will, at some point, slow and reach a maximum. At that point, the expanding will cease and the universe will begin to collapse. A haunting thought really...all that we know, as it exists will fall inward upon itself and the universe will be no more. But I postulate that this really isn't the end...All of the components, the subatomic particles and everything else, that were here at the very beginning will be brought together again. And in that moment, there is the possibility that it will start again. 

And so...I suggest the following. The reason we can't know about the moments before the big bang is because that there was another universe in its place. I argue that the universe expands and collapses, cyclically, in a breathing fashion. When one universe collapses another is born and everything starts anew. There is no real big bang, but a series of them. I see it as rhythmic, perhaps even melodic...beautiful really. 

I've discussed this idea with a few people and they've all commented on how sad that seemed. That the universe, this one we are in, everything that has been, is or will be, is but a breath...it makes life seem trivial to some. Overwhelming and depressing is how it has been described. But I disagree, I think this thought is, and should be, liberating. A single life may not even register as a blip on the radar screen, so what we as individuals do, may not matter in the grand scheme that is the universe. 

Life can be inconsequential. 

That idea should resonate in our minds...it should cause a stir within us; it should mean that at any given moment, we may exist no longer and so we should take advantage of the time we have. Use it to its extent and leave nothing unattempted. There should be nothing holding us back from doing that which makes us truly happy. I'm not advocating recklessness, what I am saying is that the fear that prevents us from stepping outside our comfort zones should be disregarded. 

Though our life may have no greater meaning (in a higher sense, in the universe...etc.), we give it meaning by those we impact with our existence. What we do may leave lasting impressions for only moments...but our actions can have the potential to reach beyond time and touch those in millennia to come. So do nothing and do everything. Make mistakes and take chances...because it all may be just a breath away from being over.

There is, of course no right answer to this, and we'll never know for sure who is right or wrong...it is however, if nothing else, an interesting thought experiment.

Also, check out this from NdT, whose thoughts on life and existence should cause everyone to view life a little differently   

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9D05ej8u-gU