How Did I get here?

As I prepared for my qualifying exam, my P.I. (principal investigator, AKA my boss) told me that he wanted me to begin some experiments with a lab that was on the opposite coast. I was not too keen on the idea as this would mean traveling a great deal prior to my exam and I wanted as much time as possible to prepare. Prior to my exam I had 2 trips planned, each a total of 3 days at a time, taking roughly 9 hours for travel (including layovers and whatnot) each direction. While the turnaround time was short, it left me exhausted and in a perpetual state of panic trying to make a good impression but also trying to get as much knowledge crammed into my brain.
My exam came and went, leaving me with this semi anticlimactic feeling, and I began working on even more projects in the lab than I had before. It was soon time for me to travel again to the other coast but this time for 10 days. As of right now, I'm 7 days in. It has been, a whirlwind of events and I feel almost like I live here now, which is odd. It is surprising how rapidly we adjust to our situations, we adapt much quicker and things become much more commonplace than what I would expect. Everyone from the lab that I am visiting has been both kind and supportive. All of the students, the post-docs, the faculty, all amazing. I feel very at home with them all, they've made me feel incredibly welcome. That doesn't detract from my longing for my home though, regardless of the efforts made by them, I still pining for my fiance, I miss my friends, my family, and my pets. I miss my bed. I miss the freedom of my own kitchen. There are so many things we don't think about and take for granted, and they are as simple as just transporting yourself too and from work....shit I miss my car.
Longing aside, I do find it strange that I find myself on the opposite side of the continent, doing science in a different lab and learning things I never thought I would be doing. In my head, I still see myself as a kid, when I look in the mirror, I see a scared teenager who isn't quite sure what they're doing, but here I am 28 (almost 29 in a few months) and I'm being paid to learn new techniques, to travel, to meet people, and to see the world.
Science has given me a lot and I don't know how I got here. I know I work hard, but so many people do, and don't get the same opportunities. Maybe it is luck, maybe it is something I did or didn't do. I'm not trying to humble brag but it is a weird thing that I'm still coming to terms with. I know that this isn't celebrity, most people in science won't achieve fame or world wide recognition. That being said there are times where I think it is important to take a step back and look at your life and appreciate the opportunities that have been gifted to us. Life is weird, it isn't fair, and it isn't a game that we should let ourselves be observers of. It is a full contact sport and if you don't play hard, you'll get body-checked and be out for a long time. I like taking a timeout to see what the score is, grab some water, catch my breath, and get back in the game. This is one of those moments where I'm looking at the time on the clock, looking at the score, and wondering how things worked out this way. I'm not leading by much, but I have to say, I'm not doing poorly either. There are a lot of teammates to thank (my parents, my fiance, my teachers, my friends) but we aren't even at half time yet. So it is time to dig in and push this thing up another notch.
All in all, it is really cool that I get to be here, doing these things, and I kind of feel like a kid who watched sports from the sidelines...only to have the pros call me onto the field and tell me to play with them. I feel like any second now I'm either going to get hit hard by one of the pros or wake up and find this is all a dream. I guess I'll just have to wait and see...in the meantime, I guess it's time to play ball.

The first year in review

I've not been writing as religiously as I intended. The beginnings of this program were rocky and I felt I almost lost my footing. Now, my first year as a PhD student is coming to a close, I feel like I've been through so much this since I've moved and began this journey that it couldn't have all taken place in such a short amount of time.

Beginning with home life, I move in with my girlfriend and together we've made a very nice place for ourselves. There are still a few things we'd like to change or do, but living in an apartment definitely limits your options. Living with someone else has taken some adjusting, on both sides, but I think we're cohabit acting quite nicely together. 

My girlfriend moved up here with a cat (Abbey) and, back in September/ November, we felt she was getting rather lonely...so we adopted another friend for her to play with. His name is Perry, after the Disney character, due to the loud purring noises he makes and propensity to disappear. He is fun, full of love and a little Derpy. He has become very attached to me in a very short amount of time. He likes to sit in the office with me while I study or read and during my breaks from work I've taught him several tricks (including: sit, stand, shake, lay down, roll over). He also likes to play fetch with us, and occasionally runs around with his tongue hanging out. 

The first year of a PhD is filled with classes, seminars, reading and rotations. It seems like they ask you to learn and do so much...way more in fact than anyone actually has time for. We lose a lot of sleep, eat poorly, and exercise less than we'd like. By we, I mean the collective first year cohort. The first quarter we were here, we had 4 classes together and saw each other rather frequently. As the year has progressed, we've begun seeing much less of one another...due to difference in classes and difference in lab locations. The campus and lab spaces are spread throughout two cities so locations of labs do play a role in where you rotate and eventually where you will live during the remainder of your degree here. 

My first 2 rotations were in labs located 30ish minutes away by car from main campus. Initially, for my first rotation, I was biking every day to main campus and then taking an inter campus shuttle to the secondary area. This did make commuting rather difficult as the bus stopped running at 7:30 pm. For "normal people" this wouldn't be much of an issue, but for graduate students who live in the lab it does present a problem. My first lab was one that never stopped. Without exaggeration, there was always someone in that lab...24/7 there is someone there. Everyone keeps very different hours and there were no windows in the lab so you rarely felt the pull of night telling you it was time to go home. I began feeling that my commuting via bus was causing tension (having to leave early, so I wouldn't be stuck in a city without a ride home) and so I bought a parking pass and began driving out there. Where this did ease some the stress and tension I still felt like things weren't quite clicking. The research done in this lab involved a lot of cancer biology, a bit of HVGD and some emerging studies with viruses. I felt that the environment was a tough one, but I could thrive there given the opportunity to do so. The PI of the lab was rarely there, living in another state, and relied heavily upon the opinion and information provided to him of his current students. Upon exiting his lab, he stated that he liked my work but had another student rotating with him and needed to give them a shot before offering me a position. I said that I understood and moved on to my next rotation.

My second rotation was in a lab that was also part of a hospital. There were several layers of security and screening to go through just to rotate there. The first 2-3 weeks of my rotation, the PI of the lab wasn't present. He was gone due to an illness and a conference and so I began my rotation very haphazardly. There were conflicting reports of what project I was to work on and who with. Things got off to a very rocky start, but eventually settled down a bit. I found myself working hard and being asked to help with other things, but the research itself wasn't one that really got me excited. It focussed heavily on the immune regulation of arthritis. I wanted to be thrilled and excited about it...I really did. The PI knew it wasn't the area I wanted to go in to and while he liked my work, he acknowledged that fact. As I exited his lab to start my 3 and final rotation the PI of Lab 2 offered me a spot and indicated that I would be free, in his lab, to pursue my interests of infectious models while working on immune regulation of arthritis. I thanked him for the offer and said that I had to give my 3rd rotation a shot before I committed. 

Right around the time I was leaving Lab 2, I had heard back from Lab 1 and was told that I would not be offered a position. That did make me a bit worried...I mean, I knew I wasn't the best fit for that lab, but I really wasn't thrilled about Lab 2 and Lab 3 was to have 4 of the 6 graduate students rotating through with only enough money to take on one student. That left me feeling like I had little hope of getting in to Lab 3 and that Lab 2 would really be my only option.

I felt stressed, tired and frustrated. I felt rejected. 

While most of this was occurring classes were still going on and in the first quarter. One of my classes only had 2 exams...a midterm and a final. I studied hard for the midterm but wasn't prepared for a section and got a C on it. I was eventually called in to the Dept. Chair's office and he asked me what happened, why I wasn't performing and told me I needed to make a change. I felt defeated. I broke down that night. After the final, I knew I hadn't aced the exam, but I didn't fail it either. I got the score back and was excited at first. I got enough points, or so I thought, to earn a B in the class. But the grade on the website said C+... how could that be? Each exam was weighted differently and as such it shifted my grade downward instead of upward. I was crushed. I thought this meant academic probation. Academic probation means no stipend. No stipend means loans. Loans were not an option in my mind...so that meant I was done.  What a failure, what a waste...of time, money, energy. What was I going to tell people back home? That was just too much and I was scared. I was never so happy to have my girlfriend with me. She talked me through it, told me everything was going to be okay. And it was. The official grade ended up being a B. I'm sure they curved it so that I wouldn't get a C+ and to keep me off of academic probation...that's the thing they don't tell you when you get into grad school. They don't want you to fail, they've already invested a lot of money in you and don't want you to drop. So they help...where they can. My Second quarter went much better, I was back in the swing of classes, back to studying harder than ever and I got mostly As and a B+.

During my Second quarter my 3rd rotation started. When I began my rotation, the PI indicated that this spot was a highly sought after one and that he tested his students to see how badly they wanted in the lab. The way that he knew that they were passionate about this work was that they would know not only about their projects but about everyone else's as well. I knew I had to be on point. I worked hard, stayed late, slept little, I asked everyone about their project and took notes while they explained. I said yes to whenever anyone needed anything. I made suggestions, I asked for input, I did everything I could. In the end, a week before my rotation was to end, I had a meeting with the PI. He quizzed me, asked me hard questions and each time I answered, I was asked another. It was terrifying. At the end of the meeting, the PI told me he needed to think about things and confer with the current students. I waited almost a week before he sent me an email offering me a position.

The sense of elation was mirrored only by my acceptance to this program. I was in. I had a new home. It meant being in a lab that studies the kind of stuff I want. I didn't have to move to the secondary campus. It meant that things really would work out.

It really was fantastic and I couldn't have been happier.

My third and final quarter of my first year, as I said, is coming to a close in a couple weeks. The second week in June is the week of finals...rapidly approaching and in that time, so much has changed.

Since moving here, I've flown home a few times to see my family and they've come a few times to see me. It is different, like I knew it would be. My room is still..."my room" but...it is distinctly not at the same time. I miss my parents a lot, and I know they miss me too. It is really hard for my mom. Each time they or I leave, she hugs me tightly and cries. Even when we Skype, she tears up. It is hard being away from my family, but it had to happen sooner or later. At 26, now 27 years old, it was time to move out...time to move on. I lived at home as long as I could and it was time for a new adventure.

With all of these changes, I'm excited and terrified to see what year 2 will bring. 

Hopefully this coming year, I'll be writing more. 

Quite a lot of baggage

This week I've begun packing up my things.

After living in this house for 26 years, I've clearly accumulated quite a lot of stuff. As I place things in boxes to move, others to give away and in bags to throw away, I find myself reflecting on each item. I look at each piece and recall the story behind how that came into my possession. Most have wonderful memories tied to them, some are sad or bitter, and others just receive a confounded look as I ask myself "where did this come from?" or "why did I keep this?" I've held onto some weird things; I've found old homework from the 8th grade, toy robots that will never be played with again and pictures from yesteryear. Some tough decisions have been made about some of this stuff too; there is so much I'd like to keep or to take with me, but I don't see a point. So I am giving away what I can, leaving behind what I can part with, and taking the rest. These boxes do fill up rather quickly though and I feel like the whole house is in chaos. We've done a lot of shopping and had a majority of the furniture we want delivered to my house. It is a sea/maze of boxes in my house.

This whole process of moving has been interesting, introspective and emotional. There are so many things I've seen every day that I will be leaving in my room (for now); it is weird not knowing the next time I'll be back in my own room or what will change between now and then. My parents have upgraded several things in the house in the last few years and it has morphed into quite a different place. I'm curious to see what the next few years will bring for this house and when I return, what will be different.

As more and more of my stuff is leaving my room in boxes, the emptier my room feels and the sadder I get. It hadn't really hit me until I began boxing up some of my clothes, just now, that this was it. This is the first time I've ever moved... I learned to walk in this house and while it will always hold so many memories, the next time I return, this won't really be home. Things will never be the same; I am excited about starting a new chapter in my life but it is hard letting go. The last several nights, as I've said goodnight to my parents, my mom has begun to cry; not only am I the youngest but the relationship between my parents and I has grown into more of a friendship. It is weird seeing your parents as peers, but it is definitely a facet of adulthood that I enjoy; I am aware that not everyone has that kind of relationship with their parents, but some do and they'll understand how cool it can be. They've both come to confide in me, and I in them, and where it is tough not seeing parents it will be hard not seeing my two friends.

This past weekend I had a "See you later party" to see all the friends that could before I leave. It was an open house event, allowing people to arrive at noon and lasting until about 11 pm. I got to spend a bit more time with my (now former) boss, my mix of friends and my family. When the last few people left, we cleaned up and it all felt very surreal. I feel very detached from a lot of what is happening and at the same time I know what is going on and I'm not sure how to respond to it all. Between boxing up my things this week, I am trying to squeeze in a bit of time to see a few people that couldn't make it to my party. I'm going to miss, so very much, seeing everyone and where I know that I'll make new friends, it does little to ease the loss of the old.

Next week, I am to pick up the moving truck. Thursday I am going to drive to pick up the keys to my apartment (~5.5 hr drive...6 if you leave time for gas and a food break) and then fly back home later that night. A week from this coming Saturday I will be driving to my apartment to stay. I'm excited and nervous about it all.

I still have to pack my clothes and to box up my electronics, but I feel like that is a job to do next week.

Time to go meet some friends for lunch.

Till next time.

"Summertime and the livin is easy"

It has been just over a week since I've left the lab.

In the days that followed, I've had several conversations with, now former, labmates about the affairs of the lab. Some of those conversations have even been attempts to bring me back. Where the offers are, of course tempting, I stay my distance.

There have been a great many advances in the process of moving since my last update. I've done lots of homework on several different things for the apartment; purchased a bed, a desk, dining table and chairs, and a dresser. It has been an intense week on my bank account. Though my parents are helping pay for these things, it is still tough to see how much money is being spent. There is still lots to organize. I'm currently working on a new problem that has cropped up with moving and that is PODs versus Trucks. There seems to be an issue that was only just discovered last night and now I am working to see what I can do. It is frustrating and it is also weird. The process of buying all of this stuff... seeing several thousand dollars disappear from my bank accounts or seeing several thousand show up on credit cards, bargaining for lower costs of furniture; these moments have made me feel more like an adult than ever before. All of the problems of packing and delivering, organizing the logistics...it is all rather exhausting and I don't know that I feel mature enough to handle all of it. Sometimes it is all rather overwhelming and I'm not sure I know what I'm doing.

When I've expressed those sentiments to other "adults", they have similar sentiments; which leads me to the conclusion that no one really knows what they're doing, everything is just anyone's best guess most of the time. That is pretty startling.

In the week I have had off, I've accomplished all of that and still found time to read the new Dan Brown book (Inferno). This book was especially enticing because it dealt both with Europe travel (visiting most of the places I had just seen on my trip) and with some interesting questions of population control. I don't think I much cared for the book, it was mildly disappointing, but I thought it was interesting how he brought a very important topic to a very large audience. The issue discussed in the book is very really and very startling. He makes some great points and in the end, I think may broaden some minds.

In the time I have while still at home, I am doing my best to see all of my friends and to relax as much as possible. There have been lots of drinks by the pool and naps. Today is a movie day, followed by dinner and some trivia. I'm excited for a bit of relaxation time before the next storm.

Till next week.

"I Open at the Close"

When I last updated this blog, I was about to leave for Europe for three weeks. It has now been 2 months since my last posting. I had thought about posting, so many times, but the words weren't coming and I always figured I'd find my words tomorrow. A dangerous habit to get into. "Tomorrow" is a dangerous word and I don't like using it. 

So...no longer tomorrow...Today. Now.

Lets begin with my trip through Europe, and then I'll get to the lab stuff 

I've never traveled those distances before, it was nerve wracking to say the least. My flight wasn't so bad; everywhere I landed, they spoke English, which was calming. I was worried I'd have to translate something or figure out what was happening. I had a wonderful experience when I flew on Lufthansa; I highly recommend flying with them given the opportunity. When I landed in Pisa, I had to wait at the airport for 2 hours, till representatives from the conference arrived with the bus. I arrived at the hotel, which was beautiful; it was off, deep in the countryside, and had a view of the valley below. I didn't have much time, so I took a quick shower and headed off to dinner. The meal was delicious (and not just because I had been living on airline food for the past 17+hrs). Immediately following we had the keynote speaker addressing the group; this would have been wonderful had not everyone there been falling asleep from exhaustion. Though I had no trouble sleeping the first night, I did the subsequent 3, waking up at 3-4 in the morning local time, unable to go back to sleep; this was the only part of the conference I did not enjoy. In the week I was at this conference, I met wonderful scientists. I got to hear some great talks, see some interesting science and go on some beautiful walks through the country. Each meal was just as spectacular as the first and in the end, I fell in love with Italy. The week ended with a wine-tasting at a local vineyard and a banquet back at the hotel. That night, one of the most prominent members in the DNA repair field asked to sit next to me at dinner; him and I had a wonderful conversation. It is astonishing to see the how humble this brilliant mind can be; to know the kind of work he does and to still stay so remarkably grounded is something I could only ever wish to obtain. 

At the end of the conference, I headed back to the Pisa airport where I waited for several hours for my girlfriend to arrive. Once she landed, we hailed a taxi and headed for our hotel, located fairly close by. Our room wasn't quite ready, so we walked around for a bit, found some food and came back. We rested for a bit, called home and looked up the local sites. We kept the evening short because we had booked a tour that would last 13 days and we knew we would be fairly exhausted, so we did our best to get as much rest as we could. Our second day in Pisa, we decided to go for a walk and found our way, quite accidentally I might add, at the leaning tower. We walked around a bit, took some photos (no, none of the touristy ones of us supporting the tower) and found a Hop on - Hop off tour bus that we had booked weeks before. This red double-decker bus was a great idea; we hopped on and took the tour a few times before we had decided we had had enough and would like to have lunch. Luckily for us, our tour bus stopped just outside our hotel (which was situated just across the street from the train station). 

The next day we took the train to Rome (and barring a slight error, which cost us an extra 45 euro) we arrived at our hotel with too much trouble. Here we met our tour director and a few of the others that would be traveling with us. From that night on, we did not stop. The trip was a wonderful blur. We saw amazing things. I won't go heavily into specifics, but I will say that in 13 days we went from Rome, to Pisa, to Florence, to Venice, to Innsbruck- Austria, to Liechtenstein, to Luzern- Switzerland, to Paris- France and then into London- England. We met 8 Aussies (4 groups of 2) that were traveling with us, they made this experience so much fun; we had several dinners with them, the conversations and comradery added to the tour. I know we wouldn't have had as wonderful a time had we not met them.

During this trip, I took a total of 2,300+ pictures and combined a good portion of them into 2 photo albums that adequately summarize my trip. They were rather costly (having them printed through iPhoto, for $125 a book) but they are well worth it. I didn't spend much on souvenirs for myself, so those took the place of what I could have bought. 

Last Days in the Lab 

I returned, after the trip, for about 2 months of lab work. I had signed on, 3 years ago, to do some collaborative work with another, more prestigious, university. The initial proposal of work was modest and certainly accomplishable in a short amount of time; however, after they got the first glimpses of the data, they wanted to change the parameters. This required much more time and so, off and on throughout my Master's degree, I have been working on this side project simultaneously. In these last 2 months I spent 10-14 hour days, 6 days a week in a room just large enough to fit a large microscope and 2 computers. I sat and analyzed microscopy images, in the dark for that time. That process begins to take a toll on a person and can leave you grumpy, disgruntled and disjointed. I also saw my time in the lab winding down and I knew that it was also starting to take its toll.

Several weeks ago, two new undergraduate students joined my lab to finish some of the main work I had done as a masters student. This meant preparing things for them and showing them where everything was. I began to feel myself being separated from the things I had invested so much time in; I even felts a bit of resentment towards these new students. I mean, who could love this projects like I did? Who would dedicate themselves, bleed for this lab like I have? None of them would know the struggles of the project, the frustrations, and the accomplishments. I didn't hold that against them, but I was certainly sad to see my project change hands. 

Last Friday I pulled my last all nighter in the lab. 20 hours in that tiny dark room analysing data. I finished at 5 in the morning and walked out, feeling exhausted and freed. There was something that wasn't quite final though. I still had to clean out my space in the lab and tabulate the data. Yesterday I did just that. I began saying my goodbyes to the professors on campus and all the support staff. They've all said that I would be missed, that I had changed the department and how much of an impact I had had on my PI's life. None of that really hit...none of it...until today, when I had packed up the things in my desk, walked to my PI's office, and handed her my keys. She took them and hugged me...tightly for what seemed like forever. I began to tear up, my heart was and is breaking; I now leave behind a home. It will never be the same and I will forever miss being in that lab. I've grown up a lot in these last 6 years; I've traveled the world, I've loved, I've lost, I've studied, I've partied and I've grown. My PI and I have grown close, she has been more than a mentor, but a friend.

I've now left one "home". In another month, I leave my home for grad school. 

I know that, in a very short amount of time, I will return to both places and things will have changed. Both will always be home, but they will no longer be my home and that thought...it breaks my heart even more. I know moving on is good, and it's necessary, but it is hard and I am falling apart. 

So...I'll do my best to smile, say "thank you for the memories" and get excited about what is to come.

'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane

Tomorrow, at this time, I'll be in the sky. Less than 24 hours from now I begin my journey to Italy for a conference. I'm packed (baring a few last toiletries) and ready to go.

I'm definitely nervous about the whole thing. I've traveled on my own before, but this will be the longest trip I've ever been on (3 weeks out of the country), the farthest from home I've ever been, and I will be (for a majority of the trip) in countries where I do not speak the native language. I think that these are fair reasons to be pensive about the experience.

Tomorrow I will begin an arduous journey, taking 3 flights to reach my destination. Once in Italy, I will take a 1.5hr bus to get to my hotel from the airport (hopefully I'll make it through customs in time and wont be late).  I know that I'll feel better once I'm actually at the conference; I'll be there for a week and I feel that it will allow me the opportunity to relax and gain my bearings before the next leg of my trip.

At the conclusion of the conference, I'm again taking a bus back to the airport, but this time it is to meet my girlfriend. We'll have two days in Italy before we need to join our tour group and again once I've joined the tour group, I think both my girlfriend and I will be able to breathe a bit easier because we wont be "in charge."

At the conclusion of this trip, I will have been through 6 countries in total (this includes 1 layover I have...I think any time you set foot on soil, it counts as having been in the country...so I'm including it!).  My parents, for a graduation present, bought me an amazing camera that I'm going to be taking with me on this trip, so I hope to have some great pictures of all the places I visit.

I did graduate this past Tuesday; it was really anticlimactic and the speeches were horrid. As I sat there listening to the "words of wisdom" being offered by the dean of the college, the president of the university and a member of the alumni association, I felt...annoyed at best. I actually felt bad that my parents and girlfriend took time off of work to sit through that. Not everyone is an amazing orator, and I know that, but you would think that these people (all of whom have higher level degrees) could have prepared something a little more...inspirational. The member of the alumni association was vapid at best. Every time he spoke, he said things like "I know how awesome my titles make me sound." I grew weary of him and the crowd. Also, it was anticlimactic because I still have so much work left to do. It will take me quite a while to finish it and I dont really feel like I'm "done."

This trip is a much needed vacation...it will help hit the "reset" button on my outlook toward research and toward my new program. I'm excited for it.

I don't think I'll be updating this (unless there is frequent and free wifi...though I doubt it) for about 3 weeks. I'll post pictures when I'm back and review the trip.

Here is to safe travels, good food and memories that will last my lifetime

"Travel, in the younger sort, is a part of education; in the elder, a part of experience."
-Francis Bacon 

Somethings come and go

10 days from now I leave the country. For the first time in my adult life, I'll be traveling abroad unaccompanied. I wont admit it to most people if they ask it, but I will say it here, I am nervous and a little scared. Not that there is anything wrong with being nervous or scared of travel, but I know that my being worried will make others worry. So I'm trying my best to keep everything together. 10 days from right this very moment, I'll be mid flight. I realize I'm going to several foreign countries where I don't speak the language; I'll be out of my element and have no one near me to rely on for more than a week (my girlfriend will be joining me at the end of my conference). I am excited about the prospect of seeing wonderful new sites, trying new foods, seeing a part of the world that I've never seen before, but there is still so much to do and so much to prepare before I leave. Where I know it will all get done, I can't help but worry about it. 

This trip will come and go, and I will have some wonderful memories... some great pictures and a few months left at home before I move to start my PhD program. The next few months will have a bit of work left in the lab to finish, but it will be confined and will be the last bit of physical work I do in this lab. For years to come I will have papers that I will co-author, but these experiments will be my last. It is time for a new project, a new school, a new life. This chapter has come and gone, 8 years on this campus (5 for an BS in Cellular Molecular Biology and 3 for a Master's in Biochemistry) and I feel... apathetic about it. Sure there were great times had, but I know that I'm not done yet and I know what lay before me. I also think about all the others that have come before me, how many will come after, and I can't help but think how inconsequential my efforts seem. I'm not marginalizing my work, it is important, important to me, important to my boss, important to the field I'm studying... I am merely saying that so many people graduate with my same degree every year... what makes mine so special? I have a hard time with that. A lot of people want me to celebrate the culmination of my efforts, to have a party and have people congratulate me and I don't want that. For all of thee above, I don't. People keep telling me it's a big deal, but it doesn't feel like it and I don't feel like I should be celebrating it. 

Some people also come and go. To quote a 1999 graduation speech "Friends come and go, but with a precious few, you should hold on." Some friends do come and go and I've held on to the ones that mean the most to me. I talk with them frequently, we chat on the phone or text... facebook does help keep everyone abreast of current news in each other's life. Some times, when friends go, it is because of a fight, sometimes people grow apart and sometimes, time happens. What is more painful is when family goes, not because of a death but because of a fight or because you've all grown apart. In the last decade of my life, I've seen fights destroy both sides of my family. Where I was not a part of any particular argument, I still lost family. It hurts knowing that you've personally done nothing wrong and the people who've watched you grow, helped raise you and teach you are no longer in your life. It would be foolish of me to say that I felt alone or victimized; in truth, both sides of the family had tried to contact me post argument. I will say though, that the manner of contact and the things being said led me to feel as if they were attempting to manipulate me into having a relationship with them and so I declined their company. Several years later, I just don't care anymore. I want nothing from them other than to be left alone and so, I've taken steps to cover what I can so that when I leave for my PhD, they will have no way of contacting me. The family I'm keeping, I am choosing to keep. They say you can't pick your family, we'll... that's not really true; my friends have treated me better than my family, my friends are my family. They say the absence of love is not hate, it is indifference. As I write this, I recount the pain they caused, but toward them I am indifferent. They came and left.

Life is changing fast, big things are happening. I feel like this trip is giving me a chance to rest up a bit and the PhD program is giving me the chance to start fresh. 

"Some think it's holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it's letting go." - Sylvia Robinson

Complexity, Beauty, Simplicity

There are so many things I want to post here but I feel like each thing really deserves its own post. I suppose I'll just do some subheadings and split it up. 

Thesis

Yesterday I got the final word that my thesis committee members had no final changes to make to my thesis. As you can imagine, I was thrilled. I uploaded my thesis to the electronic thesis/dissertation website and immediate obtained the physical signatures of my committee on the "signature page". This was then turned in to the Graduate Studies office. As I walked back from the office to my lab, I couldn't help but smile. For the brief walk between office and lab, the air smelled cleaner than ever, the sun showed through the clouds just for me and all was right with the world...just for that moment. That moment was mine. 

I currently am waiting for the "digital" signature of just one member...but that is what stands between me and my degree. This one little click of a button. The deadline for acceptance is the 10th of this month, so in less than 3 days; I have to say, I am antsy. I'm doing my best not to bang down the door of this last professor and ask them what the hell they are waiting for. There are politics everywhere and I know I need to be polite. 

This morning, I took my thesis to be printed at a nearby FedEx/Kinkos. The university requires a very special kind of paper (100% cotton, acid free, water marked) to be used. I bought 500 sheets of this paper about 3 weeks ago now (costing about $40.00). As many of my figures are in color, I had Kinko's print it in color so that all of the figures may be seen in the way I intended them to be; the cost was $0.59/page. I need 4 copies of my thesis which consists of 98 pages in total ($231.28 before tax) which then has to be sent to a binding company ($15.00 to ship to the company) which costs $25.00 to bind a single copy ($100.00). This whole process is horribly expensive, I mean...at this point, I'll pay whatever anyone needs me to pay just to make the thing end, but this is getting a bit out of hand. 

Graduate School

This last weekened (Friday night) my girlfriend and I drove to visit the surrounding area and find apartments. I left campus at 4:40 pm, picked her up at 5:10 pm and we drove till 12:40 am, when we reached a "nearby" city where her friends live. We slept on their pullout couch until 7:00 am, when we got up and drove another hour and a half to get to my future campus. We spent the day searching, meeting with people, asking questions. The last stop of the day, we found this apartment which was really just perfect. In the lobby area, they have carmel popcorn constantly popping and Wednesday's is hotdog day (though I'm a vegetarian, as a former meat eater, I think this is a cool concept). The apartment itself is 920 square feet. It has 2 beds, 1 bathroom, a nice sized kitchen and comes with a washer and dryer. The apartment covers the water bill too. We left the apartment complex to return back to our friend's place and the whole way back, I couldn't help but think of how amazing this complex was. I wanted to apply right there, but knew I should sleep on it, not make any rash decisions. Sunday we drove back home, leaving the area around 10ish am. It took another 7 hours for me to get back to my front door. In total, I drove over 1,000 miles this past weekend; to say that I'm exhausted after such an event would be an understatement. 

While driving back, my girlfriend stumbled upon the reviews of this apartment complex and they were less than complimentary, which I know bothered her (I know because she told me it did). It definitely took the wind out of my sails, but as we looked at the reviews of other places, they all seem to say the same kinds of things. Despite the bad reviews, I was content to apply, but my girlfriend needed more time; in general she tends to take a while to pick something and also isn't a big fan of change, so I was trying to be as patient as possible, but also not wanting to wait too long as we are not far from going on a trip to Europe. I want this whole thing sown up and ready to go before we leave, so there really isn't much time.

Just prior to my starting this update, I submitted my first apartment application. I have a mix of emotions about this really; I'm scared, excited, nervous...to name a few. Having been research assistant for the last several years (being paid to get my Masters while I live at home) I've had the opportunity to save a lot of money, but when you consider my tax info, it doesn't look like I currently make that much; however, I am getting accepted to a PhD program with a hefty stipend, so with my stipend and my girlfriend's income, we should make enough to cover rent two times over. I'm nervous because I've never lived away from home, I've never lived with anyone and I'm really hoping we get this place. I hope this place will take us and treat us well. Obviously, I'm excited for several reasons, I can't wait to move in with my girlfriend and this place looks like it will be great.

Amendment to "Thoughts on the Universe"

As I sat in the dense of another graduate student's thesis, I began once again contemplating the origins of the universe. I was trying to resolve the known theories of its beginnings, unify what I know of multiverse theory and string theory. I was trying to understand what happened to the antimatter that had to have been generated at the beginning moments and answer the question "what is the universe contained in?" For those unfamiliar with these concepts I'll briefly try to provide a background; however, multiverse and string theories, you can look up on your own because they're too long to explain here. As for antimatter, we know that for every particle of matter that exists an opposite particle with opposite charges and opposite spins. When antimatter and matter come in contact, they cancel each other out in a violent manner. During the big bang, it is hypothesized that a large amount of antimatter was generated due to several different circumstances, however, none is left/detectable. Additionally, there is this idea that the universe is contained in something. For those, uninitiated, a vacuum can only be exist in a sealed contained system. In order to maintain this, the universe would have to be contained in something, but how could this be if it is ever expanding? Further, what lies beyond the limits of the universe? What exists in that nothingness? 

My mind was attempting to answer these questions, and then something clicked. What if the universe is like pacman? 

Stay with me here... if you go too far left, you end up back at the right side of the screen and vise-versa. As you progress through the levels, there are other escapes that lead back to the same thing. I began contemplating this, what if the edge of the universe is simply contained in itself? What if it loops back around and the two edges just meet and that is what lies beyond the universe...our universe. I began to twist the images of the known universe in my head and I found the best way to resolve it was to use this 

The Möbius strip is becoming my model to explain the universe. 

At the moment of genesis, there was a large amount of antimatter made, if so, then the antimatter would have come in contact with overlaying Möbius strips, thus annihilating a nearby parallel universe. Further, when one universe expands, it causes another to contract as they are overlaid upon one another and lastly, the universe as we know may contain within it the other known universes in this manner. Each side of the universe is twisted and connected with the opposite side. Each seam would, at its connecting point be expanding, giving rise to the apparent growth and thus, we would be unable to observe what is beyond the universe because, simply, there is no beyond. This infinite loop holds all that is, was and can be along with being connected to parallel forms of itself; when one collapses in on itself, all the matter that was used for its genesis is compacted into on area and thus has the capacity to start again. Similarly, these universes collapse because a universe is growing and has no place else to go, causing the weaker universe to retreat inward. As the collapsed universe is under a tremendous amount of pressure, it eventually will explode with matter and antimatter repeating the process.  

"I'm in a glass case of emotion!"

This has been one of those crazy weeks; there have been ups, downs and everything in between.

On Sunday night, I pulled an all-nighter, working to complete my second round of revisions on my thesis. As I was doing this, I took a break to reflect upon what my options were for next year. Having only one confirmed acceptance, and having the deadline of April 15th rapidly approaching, I felt that I had no alternative but to sign the letter of acceptance. This meant that I would be moving out of state, to a place where I had no friends or family; I was scared to say the least, my parents were sad and though my girlfriend was being wonderfully supportive, I knew she didn't want to go. But I had to do what was best; so I signed my letter, scanned it and emailed it. My mom was visibly sad, crying at several points in the evening. I finished working on my thesis on Monday morning, having stopped to sleep between 2am and 6:30am, at 11:30am. I raced to campus where I turned it in to my professor and then returned home.

After a brief nap I spent the remainder of the day, and into the next morning, working on the slides I will use to present my thesis. Again, I stayed up working on them till about 2 and started again at 6:30am. I finished putting my slides together around 8am and did what I could to practice delivering my talk. I had a meeting with my advisor to practice these slides with her; I spoke for an hour and spent another 2 reviewing each slide and writing down revisions to them. The whole process was physically and mentally exhausting, but I got some great notes out of the experience and was grateful; these changes will make my talk go smoother and I will be more prepared for the kinds of questions I may be asked at the conclusion of my talk. 

Wednesday I spent the day working on an abstract that, hopefully, will get me sent to Italy at the conclusion of this semester for a week to present the data I've been working so hard to collect. After hours of revisions with my professor, we submitted the abstract. At the conclusion thereof, I paid for graduation, my cap and gown, and paid to have 3 copies of my thesis draft printed for my committee members (about $200 in all for everything). I spent the remainder of my day working on my slides again.

And then...well, and then yesterday happened. 

I entered my lab, again planning to devote most of the day to slide preparation. Early on in the morning I get a message from my best friend letting me know that him and his wife were in the hospital about to deliver their second child. (A brief background, we met in a class and became great friends. Later when he met his wife, I was asked to get ordained and officiate the wedding. He has included me in some pretty huge life events, including the birth of their daughter) This guy has become an older brother and I couldn't be happier or prouder of him. I'm excited for this new growing family. As I was patiently waiting by my phone for updates, I was also working on my slides. I took a brief break to have lunch and when I returned to my computer I had 3 emails. One of which was from the department chair of the school at which I had been wait listed with the subject "Good News."

Immediately, my heart began to race and I had to stop to read the email about 4 or 5 times. I wasn't really sure what I was reading was real. I snorted audibly at the situation. My professor, who was sitting behind me at a microscope heard and asked if I had sneezed. As I began to explain the email, she began celebrating and beaming with pride. My advisor is someone whom I've worked with for the last 6 years; she has become not just an advisor, but a mentor and one helluva friend. I know how excited she is for me and I feel very touched. I sent my family and girlfriend messages letting them know I would be attending my school of my choice. The news began to spread to friends and soon congratulations were coming in from every direction.

I feel like I just won the Lotto. I had just accepted the idea that I would be attending my backup school and settled on the idea. Now everything changed...In a heart beat. "In a New York minute" as the Eagles would say. It is amazing what one piece of information can do to your day. Everything seemed to flip up-sided down.

I couldn't be happier and cannot wait to start this new adventure. It will be in a place where I have plenty of friends, in addition to having my girlfriend with me. She'll have an opportunity to transfer positions (hopefully) to a financial institution which definitely helps with the financial issue of moving.

Now I just need to focus on the finish line.

Thesis defense date: April 29th

Thesis hardcopy due date: May 10th

Graduation date: May 21st

Meeting in Italy: May 25th

Here is to staying on task!

The Last Interview?

My last scheduled interview is now over and I must say, I have a mixed set of emotions about the whole experience. I spent Thursday morning traveling and arrived to my destination at 11am; making the most of the time, I unpacked, ironed and caught a quick nap. I awoke starving and made my way down to the lobby to have a quick bite to eat. Eating quickly, I found that I had quit a large amount of time and so I decided to go explore the campus. I walked around for a while, taking pictures and looking at all of the nature surrounding me. It really was quite beautiful there. Several of my friends attend this school and I had plans on the first and second nights to meet them for drinks. Friend "A" called me early and asked if I was already on campus because he had a break; the two of us met up and he showed me his lab as well as around campus. I saw the undergraduates in their natural environment; something quite fun to observe. It was great catching up with him and we planned to meet later for drinks after he was done teaching. I returned to my hotel to read about the professors who I may be meeting with and then grabbed dinner. Having not much to do, I returned to my room and watched a few movies. After drinks with my friend, I figured I would call it a night and that is when my roommate showed up. He was a nice enough guy; he introduced himself and we exchanged pleasantries as he ironed his clothes in preparation for the next day. As soon as he was done, we both called it a night.

The first day of the actual interview was quite rapid. There were several faculty presentations where everything was discussed; from the funding the school receives to the requirements of the students. The faculty then gave a few presentations about their work (lasting several hours). We then were ushered to another building and here 3 more presentations were delivered where the facilities and associated businesses were reviewed. Finally we broke for lunch at 11 and it was at this time other graduate students from the program joined us. It was an excellent time to get to discuss labs and professors with them in an attempt to get their opinions. After lunch we had 2-15 minute interviews; 1 interview involved 3 professors and the other consisted of 3 graduate students. These interviews were conducted in a pannel like form and all asked similar questions. They were:

1) Discuss your current research
2) Why Immunology?
3) Why this school?
4) What do you like to do beyond science?

The other professors of course asked more questions than that and some were definitely more probing. I found the way that I was asked some of questions (i.e. tone or structure) to be mildly off-putting. I was hoping to meet with some of the professors on a one-on-one basis but that didn't seem to happen. After the interviews we were taken on several tours and then shuttled to a professor's house for dinner. Here we talked with more grad students and faculty. Again, I was hoping the faculty whose research I am interested would be present, but alas, they did not show. I returned back to my hotel room around 8 and my other friends took me to downtown to have a few beers and discuss the whole process. It was great seeing them and I gained some wonderful insight into how their university conducts the process.

The second day was much more brief; we began by having breakfast and heard several short lectures from professors about their work. There was then a student poster session, followed by 2 short talks from students about their work. Finally, a winner of the research was awarded, and the program director thanked all those who helped in the planning of the recruitment event. We were then set to have lunch when I got pulled for one more interview by one of the faculty who originally reviewed my application. She again asked almost the identical questions as before. My roommate and I were the only two to have such an experience and it left me wondering why? Of the number of applicants who attended, I have been lead to believe that about 50% of us will be offered admittance. So the question remains in my mind "Was this a good thing to have this additional interview? Was it because they were on the fence about us and they wanted to know more?" I don't know...I hope it went well. I guess we'll see soon.

Now back to the lab to finish experiments and data counting so I can finish, officially, my thesis.

Next at Bat

In total, it was almost a full week that passed between my initial projected deadline and my actual completion of my first draft. Though I am frustrated by the process, my professor seems supportive and understanding of the situation. I believe that this is something required for being a mentor; a kind of patience that I do not necessarily possess...or have yet to acquire.

Having completed my first draft, I uploaded it to a third party site so that my professor could download it (as it is too big to email) and immediately began putting together data for my thesis committee meeting. I began preparing this presentation at 1:00pm on Sunday afternoon and finished around 1:30am Monday, stopping occasionally for a few food breaks. Though not fully prepared or practiced, I presented my research to my thesis committee at 1:00pm Monday afternoon. Lasting a little longer than an hour and 30 minutes, I was thoroughly exhausted; having stood and spoken for that long, I was glad when I was once again finally able to sit and have some water. The whole process was very similar to a lab meeting where we present our data to our lab-mates, they are allowed to interrupt and as questions through out the process. This, however, I was not necessarily ready for and quite frequently lost my train of thought; something I obviously saw frustrating my professor as she watched me speak. The lesson that I've learned throughout my under/graduate career is that I am not one who can speak extemporaneously about my work. I need practice and time to make sure I get the points out that need to be made in a clear and logical order.

Having completed two major milestones for this week, I took a small break in the form of dinner and a few drinks with my parents before beginning to read a paper that I need to present to my research lab for Wednesday's meeting. This entry serves as yet another break from that endeavour as I find myself trying desperately to stay focussed on the subject at hand, but lacking the energy required. This presentation must be completed by Wednesday evening, before 5pm. The post celebratory event will be to return home only to pack my belongings and prepare myself for the journey of Thursday; I am to travel, once again, to another interview. It too, is a two day process. I may have a roommate and so I do not know that I will be able to record here my adventures. However, I shall, to the best of my abilities, steal away to write when I can and then upload the results.

In the weeks and months yet to come, there are a lot of things to accomplish before I have a final draft of my thesis. There are experiments yet to run and data still to quantify. I don't know how I'll do it all, I am exhausted already and I know I have a marathon to run in less than a month. What will happen next is anyone's guess. I am glad, thus far, that I've committed to writing at least once a week; it has served as an excellent source to vent frustration and exhaustion.

Wish me luck on my interview.