"I'm in a glass case of emotion!"

This has been one of those crazy weeks; there have been ups, downs and everything in between.

On Sunday night, I pulled an all-nighter, working to complete my second round of revisions on my thesis. As I was doing this, I took a break to reflect upon what my options were for next year. Having only one confirmed acceptance, and having the deadline of April 15th rapidly approaching, I felt that I had no alternative but to sign the letter of acceptance. This meant that I would be moving out of state, to a place where I had no friends or family; I was scared to say the least, my parents were sad and though my girlfriend was being wonderfully supportive, I knew she didn't want to go. But I had to do what was best; so I signed my letter, scanned it and emailed it. My mom was visibly sad, crying at several points in the evening. I finished working on my thesis on Monday morning, having stopped to sleep between 2am and 6:30am, at 11:30am. I raced to campus where I turned it in to my professor and then returned home.

After a brief nap I spent the remainder of the day, and into the next morning, working on the slides I will use to present my thesis. Again, I stayed up working on them till about 2 and started again at 6:30am. I finished putting my slides together around 8am and did what I could to practice delivering my talk. I had a meeting with my advisor to practice these slides with her; I spoke for an hour and spent another 2 reviewing each slide and writing down revisions to them. The whole process was physically and mentally exhausting, but I got some great notes out of the experience and was grateful; these changes will make my talk go smoother and I will be more prepared for the kinds of questions I may be asked at the conclusion of my talk. 

Wednesday I spent the day working on an abstract that, hopefully, will get me sent to Italy at the conclusion of this semester for a week to present the data I've been working so hard to collect. After hours of revisions with my professor, we submitted the abstract. At the conclusion thereof, I paid for graduation, my cap and gown, and paid to have 3 copies of my thesis draft printed for my committee members (about $200 in all for everything). I spent the remainder of my day working on my slides again.

And then...well, and then yesterday happened. 

I entered my lab, again planning to devote most of the day to slide preparation. Early on in the morning I get a message from my best friend letting me know that him and his wife were in the hospital about to deliver their second child. (A brief background, we met in a class and became great friends. Later when he met his wife, I was asked to get ordained and officiate the wedding. He has included me in some pretty huge life events, including the birth of their daughter) This guy has become an older brother and I couldn't be happier or prouder of him. I'm excited for this new growing family. As I was patiently waiting by my phone for updates, I was also working on my slides. I took a brief break to have lunch and when I returned to my computer I had 3 emails. One of which was from the department chair of the school at which I had been wait listed with the subject "Good News."

Immediately, my heart began to race and I had to stop to read the email about 4 or 5 times. I wasn't really sure what I was reading was real. I snorted audibly at the situation. My professor, who was sitting behind me at a microscope heard and asked if I had sneezed. As I began to explain the email, she began celebrating and beaming with pride. My advisor is someone whom I've worked with for the last 6 years; she has become not just an advisor, but a mentor and one helluva friend. I know how excited she is for me and I feel very touched. I sent my family and girlfriend messages letting them know I would be attending my school of my choice. The news began to spread to friends and soon congratulations were coming in from every direction.

I feel like I just won the Lotto. I had just accepted the idea that I would be attending my backup school and settled on the idea. Now everything changed...In a heart beat. "In a New York minute" as the Eagles would say. It is amazing what one piece of information can do to your day. Everything seemed to flip up-sided down.

I couldn't be happier and cannot wait to start this new adventure. It will be in a place where I have plenty of friends, in addition to having my girlfriend with me. She'll have an opportunity to transfer positions (hopefully) to a financial institution which definitely helps with the financial issue of moving.

Now I just need to focus on the finish line.

Thesis defense date: April 29th

Thesis hardcopy due date: May 10th

Graduation date: May 21st

Meeting in Italy: May 25th

Here is to staying on task!

You Don't Always Get What You Want

"But sometimes, you might just find, you get what you need."

It has now been several weeks since my last update, and there is a reason for that. I've been crazy with multiple things.

In the past 2 weeks I've been:

1) Working to create a presentation for my thesis
2) Ran a marathon (completed in 4hrs and 16 mins)
3) Finishing the experiments required for my thesis
4) Dealing with grad school rejections


Let's begin with number 1 shall we?

As with most labs, my PI (Principal Investigator) requires that all students present research and current data in the field. This is a beneficial exercise as it prepares us to speak infront of large groups about our research. This will hopefully prepare me for my thesis defense; however, I've been so busy with finishing the experiments for my thesis that I've had little to no time to prepare this presentation. So I'm currently working to put one together, due on Wednesday Evening, that will hopefully go well. My most recent attempt at this (presenting my data to my thesis committee) did not go well and I am hoping to do a better job here.

A week ago today I ran a marathon, my second one actually, and beat my time by 11 minutes. I'm very excited by this and slightly saddened. My goal, after last year's, was to beat my time by about 1 hr and complete the marathon in 3 hrs and 30 mins. Unfortunately, due to a few injuries that I sustained from running and lab work, I was unable to meet that goal. I had revised my attempt to be about 30 minutes faster and complete it in under 30 minutes. This was again stifled by working on my thesis; I took about 2 weeks off from running to complete my thesis and as such, my attempt was hampered. I am, never the less, still impressed with my ability to shave off the time that I did. The weekend of the marathon was fantastic; I got to spend some time with my parents and girlfriend, the three people who make me happiest, and got some time away from the lab. I enjoyed the experience and will be sad that I wont be around next year for it (because I will be off getting my PhD in a different area).

The past few weeks have been filled with failed experiments and head scratchers. I've worked, tirelessly, to find the answers to the questions my thesis seeks; however, it has been to no avail. It would appear, that there may have been a reason for this, and my own anal retentiveness was hindering my progress. If only I were more lazy, I may have gotten better results sooner. In attempting to "post-mordem" my results with my PI, we came to the conclusion that this was the case and as such, I shall attempt to salvage some of the data. If this works, and it is a BIG "if", then I'll be rather excited and shall be that much closer to a publication.

My second interview resulted in my being "wait-listed." I am disappointed to say the least. My "backup" school has now become the school that it appears I shall be attending for my PhD. That is not to say it is a bad school; it offers a wonderful curriculum, stipend, and amazing faculty. It just limits my access to the faculty who practice the research that I wish to work with. I am disappointed in myself, I suppose, because this shows that in those 15 minutes that I had with my interviewers, I wasn't "that good." Perhaps I could have done something differently... I don't know. I guess there is not much to do about it at this point. I could spend hours and days reliving what I could or should have done differently, but it wont change things.

And so, it looks like my ever supportive girlfriend and I shall be moving. We'll be off on a grand grad adventure and I couldn't think of anyone else I'd rather do this with than her. She's been so supportive through this whole process.

So what now? Well...now I guess I need to find an apartment, finish my thesis and enjoy my summer.

More updates to follow

Out of this moment of failure, I've found direction. I have a place to go to. It is certain, and I'll have my best friend there with me through it all. It is an awfully big adventure to have. But one that I can share.


I'm excited and terrified.

Let's see what this next week has to offer

First Official Acceptance

Though it came as no surprise to me, and I am aware that may make me sound rather cocky, I received my official first acceptance to a PhD program in Immunology. It happened yesterday, though I had too much to do to really reflect on the idea. I still have quite a bit more that must be done, but I have to say...The idea of going to school, out of state, has definitely grown on me. I'm still waiting to see if I get any other offers before I make my decision, but it feels great knowing that I officially have a position waiting for me if I so choose. It would be tough leaving my home state for roughly 6 years, but there are 2 weeks of allotted time off and I would make every effort I could to return home to visit family and friends.

I have one more interview coming up, which I hope will result in an acceptance letter as well. The deciding factor for me may be what "feels" better. Specifically, what professors I think I could work with for 6 years and not get completely frustrated with and vise-versa.

Time for more reading/thesis stuff

Accepting that not everyone will accept

I knew, when I began applying for some PhD programs that a few were definitely beyond my reach; that is not to say that I am not qualified, some are just more prestigious than others and as such, more competitive. In the last few days I've received a second request for an interview, definitely a boost to my ego. I've felt that I was on top of the world and clearly I was more competitive than what I believed myself to be. These schools use a pressure technique to get you to come to their school, leaving very little time to make up your mind and respond. Needless to say, so far it has worked... they played a tune and I danced...and I danced happily I might add.

These emails that I have received, thus far, have given no hint as to what lays within the attachments; there is some file usually attached, with a mildly ambiguous title I might add, located at the bottom of a completely vague letter. Much to my surprise they have, thus far, been invitations to visit a program and offered to pay the travel expenses. 

I did, however, receive my very first rejection letter today. A minor blow to my ego, to say the least. Again, the structure of the email followed a very similar format, very mild in tone and unwilling to divulge any information until the attachment was viewed. I saw, however, that this email was slightly different; perhaps the author of it hadn't attended the School of Drafting Graduate Letters, or perhaps he was simply defiant of those old habits. The key word that tipped its hat, winked at me and got my hopes sky high, was the word "decision." 

Part of me knew that it was too soon to have one of those, it couldn't be good news, nothing ever this quick would be. I wanted to believe the best, after all, I had two interviews already; what if this school didn't need to see me in person, what if they just knew I would fit? I think my ego betrayed me here, it let my hopes sky-rocket, see past what I knew and what I felt to be true.

 I tried to open this attachment from my phone, but it was to no avail. This PDF wasn't like others, it was simply stuck in a perpetual state of loading...making no progress beyond 0% (an ominous sign if I've ever seen one). Finally, the anticipation of what lay within this letter was too great and I had to excuse myself from the lunch I was having with my friends to quell the questions that were bubbling inside. My hands were shaking with anticipation and I was so excited to see what this school had to say. I entered my lab and opened my laptop. It took a brief moment to find the email; rather than wasting the time to download the PDF, I simply asked for the "Quick View." As my eyes began to go through the lines, reading about the other applicants, my heart sank.

"I regret to inform you...."

And that removed one of my options.

It wasn't even a school I was particularly enthused to attend...but it was an option, and a high ranking school. Although, until I began this quest for grad school, I hadn't heard of it. But that doesn't matter. I spent time and energy applying and I was sad to see that something I wanted, even distantly, wasn't available. 

It stung and hurt my pride.

But, to quote Mel Brooks' Young Frankenstein, "No, no. Be of good cheer. If science teaches us anything, it is to accept our successes as well as our failures with quiet, dignity and grace." Never mind the thing that immediately follows.

It is, after all, only 1 out of 11. Of the schools that have responded, I am 2/3...good odds so far. I will happily take those opportunities, hope there are a few more to follow, and see where all the dust settles. 

Lesson from this: No one ever gets 100% on everything, first instincts are generally the correct ones, and we all have disappointments. There are many versions of this, but this is what is in my head: We all get knocked down, what matters most is what you do when you get back up

EDIT:

1/10/13
Within the last hour I received a rejection letter from one of the schools I had my heart set on. That notice stung to say the least. It hurt knowing that my dream school didn't see me as a dream applicant. Though I do have faults as a student, I feel that I am a fairly well rounded student. I have several awards, a publication, a fairly high GPA and have attended several big name conferences to present my research. It leaves me asking the question "What more could they want? What do the others have that I don't? What could I have done differently?"

I don't know, and I wont. What I do know, is that I am extremely disappointed. I am, once again, very uncertain of my future in academia. A job in the private sector does seem enticing, especially since, I've received a phone call from a head-hunter for the science community and a few requests for job applications.

New Score: 2 Interviews- 2 Nos- 7 schools unanswered 

So it begins

A little more than a year ago, I began training for the LA Marathon. Having spent countless hours, dollars, blood, sweat and tears training for the event, I finished. The shear elation as I crossed the finish line was enough to move me to tears. As I trained...there were, at times, moments where I felt like quitting, moments that passed too quickly, others where I was in pure bliss, and (more frequently than not) I hated myself for getting myself involved in it.

In the end I had run 26.2 miles in 4 hours and 27 minutes, not a bad time I might say. But what I realized was that this culmination was a chapter in my life that I should have been documenting. This was a journey that I realize others have experienced and could relate to. For those that haven't, they could see what kind of commitment it takes to finish something like this. I realized I missed a huge opportunity to share...even if no one would have read it, the thoughts would have been great to have for myself.

After the last big adventure I had, I told myself that I would begin blogging about the experience. So now, I begin my newest adventure.

Currently, I am on the path to a PhD in Immunology. (Note: Immunology is the study of the immune system. More specifically, how foreign things like viruses/parasites/bacteria enter the body and how our system responds to such an event.)


This path began about a year ago, when I was trying to decide if I should apply for Medical programs at the conclusion of my Master's degree or if I should continue in academia. Having found that I've grown weary of a majority of the population...I determined that academia was the appropriate pathway. The question then began to swim in my mind, what would be so interesting to me that I would dedicate another 6 years of my life to investigating? A seemingly large commitment is being asked, a lot of time and money gets invested in graduate students and universities must be sure that their students are really as passionate about a subject as need be to cross that finish line....academia is after all, a marathon, not a sprint.

I recalled reading several articles through out my undergraduate career on HIV and how it  affected the humans; how 10% of all caucasian europeans were, as a result of the bubonic plague, immune to this virus. As I began to study more about the topic, I found I had a growing passion for virology and pathology. The things I read began to sprout ideas in my head, new ways of studying the diseases or new methodology for therapeutics. My thoughts often would wander from the crucial work at hand and  toward this field. A wonderful answer to my predicament of what to study was now answered.

Now that I had chosen a field, I had to research which schools were the best in the world for studying Virology/Immunology/Pathogenesis. I found about 9 schools that had programs of interest. I hesitate to disclose them all here, however, they are all quite prestigious. Upon discussion of my intent to apply to such programs with a former professor of mine, and wonderful friend I might add, I decided to add 2 additional schools to my list of potential applications. I compiled my research on professors at each school, the benefits, the draw backs, the stipends...all the details I could find, I had in my possession at the end of August. Applications opened beginning to mid September and would close some time mid to  late November.

So my list was set and all I had to do was apply. A simple task really, or so it should have been.

As part of the master's program at my current school, it is required that you give a 40-50 minute seminar on a subject of your choosing; however, it must not be related to your current research. This seminar must be in-depth, focused on a particular facit and involve enough chemistry/biochemistry to pique the interest of the department professors. It requires a great deal of knowledge on the topic because, in addition to the talk, the professors who just listened to this presentation are allowed to ask as many questions as they would like to gauge the depth of your understanding of a topic. At the recommendation of my current advisor, I presented my topic on something I find interesting and related to the field in which I intend to enter next. My seminar was based on Neurological Encephalitis due to HIV (basically...swelling of the brain because of having HIV). This talk covered the biochemical pathways of what occurs in the brain...which proteins are increased or decreased as a result of exposure to HIV and what this means.

The talk itself was a success, I earned an A; the feedback I received from the professors indicated that I knew the subject well, and used visual aids to help explain the subject in a manner that made things easier to understand an follow. The only criticism was that I used too many abbreviations for the names of proteins and that I spoke a little fast...things that are easily remedied. This talk demanded a great majority of my time and so, I found myself, at the end of it, with only a few short weeks to pull my 11 applications together.

I began composing my personal statement, a topic that I found very difficult for myself because I am not one to generally boast about my accomplishments. I struggled. For days I wrote, re-wrote, deleted everything and started over. At the end, I found myself with a good "template" for a personal statement that could be customized to each school that I was applying to...or so I thought.

Each application had many different requirements for their personal statements, many required it to contain research experience which others required entirely separate essays detailing successes in the laboratory. I found myself only able to complete, at most, 2 applications a day in addition to continuing my research in the lab.

As with my marathon training...I began to question why I was doing this all. Did I really want to commit to 6 years? A lot happens in 6 years...everything changes. People change, places change, everything adapts and when I come back, it will be a huge shock. And these schools are all over the country...not just my home state. I've lived in my same house my entire life with both of my parents. If I get into one of these schools, it would mean a minimum of a 5 hour drive or a maximum of a 5 hour flight to get home. I've never really been away from home for longer than a few weeks before and I'm terrified.

The waves of fear began to wash over me and I became apathetic to the idea of a PhD. The idea of getting a job somewhere and starting a career and eventually a family sounded thrilling. It all became very overwhelming, but I knew I had to finish them.

I finished my last application a week before it was due and, on the same night, began posting a copy of my CV (similar to a resume, but used in the science field to show knowledge of topics/research skills) to several job websites. The entire time I was working on these, I've had the utmost support from my parents, girlfriend, friends,  and professors. They've all stated how sure they were that I would be accepted to a graduate program, the only question was "where"? I, on the other hand, have a large amount of self doubt and expect only to receive those wonderfully worded rejection letters that indicate the applicant is just not a "right fit" for the university.


Five days ago, I received my very first request for an interview.

I had to re-read the email to make sure I was reading it correctly. I had others read it too because I was shocked. Surely, I thought, this was not meant for me...but there it was, my name at the top of the letter head, asking me to come for a two day long interview with the professors and current students at a university. I was quite surprised. I responded to the email, confirming my interest in the school and my willingness to travel on the requested dates.

That night it hit me...I was really on the path to a PhD. It was real. I would no longer get to be a kid at home, but I was going to be out in the real world. And though my girlfriend will be coming with me on this great adventure...it will be a large adjustment. My parents have been my two biggest supporters, and as I've become an adult, two of my best friends. Life with out them close by will be a very difficult adjustment, but one I know I need to make.


The request for the interview created combination of fear and excitement.
This is about to begin and I'm going to take as many people as I can along for the ride. This blog will be a commitment to myself mainly, and to any of you who decide to follow it, to record the thoughts, emotions and experiences of a progression through graduate school. I'm sure they will be fraught with anxiety, excitement, fear, joy, pain, depression, love and even some self-loathing. But, they will be real and they will be one of the many ways I make it through this next stage of my life.

Welcome to the Path to a PhD in Immunology.