As I prepared for my qualifying exam, my P.I. (principal investigator, AKA my boss) told me that he wanted me to begin some experiments with a lab that was on the opposite coast. I was not too keen on the idea as this would mean traveling a great deal prior to my exam and I wanted as much time as possible to prepare. Prior to my exam I had 2 trips planned, each a total of 3 days at a time, taking roughly 9 hours for travel (including layovers and whatnot) each direction. While the turnaround time was short, it left me exhausted and in a perpetual state of panic trying to make a good impression but also trying to get as much knowledge crammed into my brain.
My exam came and went, leaving me with this semi anticlimactic feeling, and I began working on even more projects in the lab than I had before. It was soon time for me to travel again to the other coast but this time for 10 days. As of right now, I'm 7 days in. It has been, a whirlwind of events and I feel almost like I live here now, which is odd. It is surprising how rapidly we adjust to our situations, we adapt much quicker and things become much more commonplace than what I would expect. Everyone from the lab that I am visiting has been both kind and supportive. All of the students, the post-docs, the faculty, all amazing. I feel very at home with them all, they've made me feel incredibly welcome. That doesn't detract from my longing for my home though, regardless of the efforts made by them, I still pining for my fiance, I miss my friends, my family, and my pets. I miss my bed. I miss the freedom of my own kitchen. There are so many things we don't think about and take for granted, and they are as simple as just transporting yourself too and from work....shit I miss my car.
Longing aside, I do find it strange that I find myself on the opposite side of the continent, doing science in a different lab and learning things I never thought I would be doing. In my head, I still see myself as a kid, when I look in the mirror, I see a scared teenager who isn't quite sure what they're doing, but here I am 28 (almost 29 in a few months) and I'm being paid to learn new techniques, to travel, to meet people, and to see the world.
Science has given me a lot and I don't know how I got here. I know I work hard, but so many people do, and don't get the same opportunities. Maybe it is luck, maybe it is something I did or didn't do. I'm not trying to humble brag but it is a weird thing that I'm still coming to terms with. I know that this isn't celebrity, most people in science won't achieve fame or world wide recognition. That being said there are times where I think it is important to take a step back and look at your life and appreciate the opportunities that have been gifted to us. Life is weird, it isn't fair, and it isn't a game that we should let ourselves be observers of. It is a full contact sport and if you don't play hard, you'll get body-checked and be out for a long time. I like taking a timeout to see what the score is, grab some water, catch my breath, and get back in the game. This is one of those moments where I'm looking at the time on the clock, looking at the score, and wondering how things worked out this way. I'm not leading by much, but I have to say, I'm not doing poorly either. There are a lot of teammates to thank (my parents, my fiance, my teachers, my friends) but we aren't even at half time yet. So it is time to dig in and push this thing up another notch.
All in all, it is really cool that I get to be here, doing these things, and I kind of feel like a kid who watched sports from the sidelines...only to have the pros call me onto the field and tell me to play with them. I feel like any second now I'm either going to get hit hard by one of the pros or wake up and find this is all a dream. I guess I'll just have to wait and see...in the meantime, I guess it's time to play ball.
Showing posts with label Humble. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humble. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 11, 2015
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
A sigh of relief
The culmination of a 3 year body of work has been defended.
I can exhale now and smile as this huge weight has finally been lifted.
In the hours before my defense (yesterday 4/29/13 at 3:30pm) I was frantically reviewing my notes, practicing slides and trying my best to anticipate all of the questions that may be asked. Though my actual talk only consisted of 38 slides in total (taking 47 minutes to present) I had an additional 40 slides that could have been utilized had anyone asked some difficult questions. I had everything I could imagine listed there and was terrified that a hole in my knowledge would be exposed to the rest of the chemistry department; terrified that they would see, in this last stage of obtaining my master's, that I didn't really belong here.
The room slowly filled with family and friends as the hour drew nearer. I was nervous and excited. It was wonderful to see old friends, a former teacher from my high school and all of the other grad students who came to watch. The faculty slowly filed in, it seemed. The room was packed; normally, during a talk, a room may be 1/4 - 1/2 full. There was standing room only as the time drew nearer.
A professor introduced me and I began speaking. At first, the nervousness was almost unbearable, I was having a hard time remembering what I wanted to say and the way I wanted to say it. As I continued though the nerves subsided. Eventually it was, for the most part, exactly as I had practiced. I stumbled a few times in my speaking, but nothing that was too detrimental. At times I tuned in and out of my own speech. I was on "autopilot" speaking the way I had practiced it many times before alone in my room. About half way through I realized that this all was really happening, that I was in the middle of my defense and it was impressive how real and distant it all felt at the same time.
I looked out into the audience often and saw the faces of those that love me smiling back. It was comforting to see that they were there and happy to see my work. I also saw some very confused faces and it made me think to myself "Oh crap, I've lost these people, they're not following the logic." In truth, you do lose some of your audience as you talk, and I had figured I would. My thesis is a complex story with very difficult logic to follow; as my professor calls it "mental gymnastics."
When I concluded, I thanked the audience and opened the floor for questions. I was asked a few, but none that required the slides I had prepared. They were explanation questions of the slides I had presented; i.e. people wanted another look at a graph or didactic I had provided. Nothing was particularly challenging (with the exception of one theoretical question). I was slightly disappointed that I didn't get to show off the slides I had prepared but was thankful for the cursory level of questioning.
The audience slowly filed out of the room, most stopping to shake my hand and congratulate me. It was definitely a great moment. The only people that stayed behind were my committee members and, once the room was empty, reviewed some changes that needed to be made to my final draft of my thesis. There were no major suggestions or revisions, just some typographical things that needed changing...potentially a change in headings here or there.
Once this committee meeting had concluded we returned to my lab where we celebrated my defense. My professor has a 2 part ritual for such events; a speech and the popping of a cork. My professor gave one of the most touching and heartfelt speeches I've ever seen. She spoke about how long we've known each other, the level of dedication I have, and the person I've become. She began to tear up while talking; I fought back tears and so did she. I've spent 8 years on this campus, 6 of which have been in her lab. I was in one of the first classes she ever taught. Her and I have been through a lot together and it will be tough, for the both of us, to not see each other or work with one another. I'm going to miss this place. At the conclusion of her speech, I hugged her tightly and said thank you. She then shook a bottle of champaign and I popped the cork in the lab ceiling; I then circled the area, signed and dated it. This honor is reserved only for grad students in the lab. It is a physical representation of the "mark" we've left on the lab.
After which we all talked and celebrated. Elation isn't a strong enough word.
As the after party died down, I changed into some street clothing and my girlfriend, parents and I headed to a baseball game to celebrate. Though the team didn't win, we still had a great time together. It was an amazing night.
I fell asleep last night faster than I have in a long time and awoke with a smile. Something I've not done in years. Now, I sit and make the revisions. I'm one step closer to the final version. One step closer to being done for good. I'm a Master's student...about to become a PhD student...
It is all so close and all so exciting
I can exhale now and smile as this huge weight has finally been lifted.
In the hours before my defense (yesterday 4/29/13 at 3:30pm) I was frantically reviewing my notes, practicing slides and trying my best to anticipate all of the questions that may be asked. Though my actual talk only consisted of 38 slides in total (taking 47 minutes to present) I had an additional 40 slides that could have been utilized had anyone asked some difficult questions. I had everything I could imagine listed there and was terrified that a hole in my knowledge would be exposed to the rest of the chemistry department; terrified that they would see, in this last stage of obtaining my master's, that I didn't really belong here.
The room slowly filled with family and friends as the hour drew nearer. I was nervous and excited. It was wonderful to see old friends, a former teacher from my high school and all of the other grad students who came to watch. The faculty slowly filed in, it seemed. The room was packed; normally, during a talk, a room may be 1/4 - 1/2 full. There was standing room only as the time drew nearer.
A professor introduced me and I began speaking. At first, the nervousness was almost unbearable, I was having a hard time remembering what I wanted to say and the way I wanted to say it. As I continued though the nerves subsided. Eventually it was, for the most part, exactly as I had practiced. I stumbled a few times in my speaking, but nothing that was too detrimental. At times I tuned in and out of my own speech. I was on "autopilot" speaking the way I had practiced it many times before alone in my room. About half way through I realized that this all was really happening, that I was in the middle of my defense and it was impressive how real and distant it all felt at the same time.
I looked out into the audience often and saw the faces of those that love me smiling back. It was comforting to see that they were there and happy to see my work. I also saw some very confused faces and it made me think to myself "Oh crap, I've lost these people, they're not following the logic." In truth, you do lose some of your audience as you talk, and I had figured I would. My thesis is a complex story with very difficult logic to follow; as my professor calls it "mental gymnastics."
When I concluded, I thanked the audience and opened the floor for questions. I was asked a few, but none that required the slides I had prepared. They were explanation questions of the slides I had presented; i.e. people wanted another look at a graph or didactic I had provided. Nothing was particularly challenging (with the exception of one theoretical question). I was slightly disappointed that I didn't get to show off the slides I had prepared but was thankful for the cursory level of questioning.
The audience slowly filed out of the room, most stopping to shake my hand and congratulate me. It was definitely a great moment. The only people that stayed behind were my committee members and, once the room was empty, reviewed some changes that needed to be made to my final draft of my thesis. There were no major suggestions or revisions, just some typographical things that needed changing...potentially a change in headings here or there.
Once this committee meeting had concluded we returned to my lab where we celebrated my defense. My professor has a 2 part ritual for such events; a speech and the popping of a cork. My professor gave one of the most touching and heartfelt speeches I've ever seen. She spoke about how long we've known each other, the level of dedication I have, and the person I've become. She began to tear up while talking; I fought back tears and so did she. I've spent 8 years on this campus, 6 of which have been in her lab. I was in one of the first classes she ever taught. Her and I have been through a lot together and it will be tough, for the both of us, to not see each other or work with one another. I'm going to miss this place. At the conclusion of her speech, I hugged her tightly and said thank you. She then shook a bottle of champaign and I popped the cork in the lab ceiling; I then circled the area, signed and dated it. This honor is reserved only for grad students in the lab. It is a physical representation of the "mark" we've left on the lab.
After which we all talked and celebrated. Elation isn't a strong enough word.
As the after party died down, I changed into some street clothing and my girlfriend, parents and I headed to a baseball game to celebrate. Though the team didn't win, we still had a great time together. It was an amazing night.
I fell asleep last night faster than I have in a long time and awoke with a smile. Something I've not done in years. Now, I sit and make the revisions. I'm one step closer to the final version. One step closer to being done for good. I'm a Master's student...about to become a PhD student...
It is all so close and all so exciting
Friday, April 12, 2013
"I'm in a glass case of emotion!"
This has been one of those crazy weeks; there have been ups, downs and everything in between.
After a brief nap I spent the remainder of the day, and into the next morning, working on the slides I will use to present my thesis. Again, I stayed up working on them till about 2 and started again at 6:30am. I finished putting my slides together around 8am and did what I could to practice delivering my talk. I had a meeting with my advisor to practice these slides with her; I spoke for an hour and spent another 2 reviewing each slide and writing down revisions to them. The whole process was physically and mentally exhausting, but I got some great notes out of the experience and was grateful; these changes will make my talk go smoother and I will be more prepared for the kinds of questions I may be asked at the conclusion of my talk.
On Sunday night, I pulled an all-nighter, working to complete my second round of revisions on my thesis. As I was doing this, I took a break to reflect upon what my options were for next year. Having only one confirmed acceptance, and having the deadline of April 15th rapidly approaching, I felt that I had no alternative but to sign the letter of acceptance. This meant that I would be moving out of state, to a place where I had no friends or family; I was scared to say the least, my parents were sad and though my girlfriend was being wonderfully supportive, I knew she didn't want to go. But I had to do what was best; so I signed my letter, scanned it and emailed it. My mom was visibly sad, crying at several points in the evening. I finished working on my thesis on Monday morning, having stopped to sleep between 2am and 6:30am, at 11:30am. I raced to campus where I turned it in to my professor and then returned home.
After a brief nap I spent the remainder of the day, and into the next morning, working on the slides I will use to present my thesis. Again, I stayed up working on them till about 2 and started again at 6:30am. I finished putting my slides together around 8am and did what I could to practice delivering my talk. I had a meeting with my advisor to practice these slides with her; I spoke for an hour and spent another 2 reviewing each slide and writing down revisions to them. The whole process was physically and mentally exhausting, but I got some great notes out of the experience and was grateful; these changes will make my talk go smoother and I will be more prepared for the kinds of questions I may be asked at the conclusion of my talk.
Wednesday I spent the day working on an abstract that, hopefully, will get me sent to Italy at the conclusion of this semester for a week to present the data I've been working so hard to collect. After hours of revisions with my professor, we submitted the abstract. At the conclusion thereof, I paid for graduation, my cap and gown, and paid to have 3 copies of my thesis draft printed for my committee members (about $200 in all for everything). I spent the remainder of my day working on my slides again.
And then...well, and then yesterday happened.
I entered my lab, again planning to devote most of the day to slide preparation. Early on in the morning I get a message from my best friend letting me know that him and his wife were in the hospital about to deliver their second child. (A brief background, we met in a class and became great friends. Later when he met his wife, I was asked to get ordained and officiate the wedding. He has included me in some pretty huge life events, including the birth of their daughter) This guy has become an older brother and I couldn't be happier or prouder of him. I'm excited for this new growing family. As I was patiently waiting by my phone for updates, I was also working on my slides. I took a brief break to have lunch and when I returned to my computer I had 3 emails. One of which was from the department chair of the school at which I had been wait listed with the subject "Good News."
Immediately, my heart began to race and I had to stop to read the email about 4 or 5 times. I wasn't really sure what I was reading was real. I snorted audibly at the situation. My professor, who was sitting behind me at a microscope heard and asked if I had sneezed. As I began to explain the email, she began celebrating and beaming with pride. My advisor is someone whom I've worked with for the last 6 years; she has become not just an advisor, but a mentor and one helluva friend. I know how excited she is for me and I feel very touched. I sent my family and girlfriend messages letting them know I would be attending my school of my choice. The news began to spread to friends and soon congratulations were coming in from every direction.
Immediately, my heart began to race and I had to stop to read the email about 4 or 5 times. I wasn't really sure what I was reading was real. I snorted audibly at the situation. My professor, who was sitting behind me at a microscope heard and asked if I had sneezed. As I began to explain the email, she began celebrating and beaming with pride. My advisor is someone whom I've worked with for the last 6 years; she has become not just an advisor, but a mentor and one helluva friend. I know how excited she is for me and I feel very touched. I sent my family and girlfriend messages letting them know I would be attending my school of my choice. The news began to spread to friends and soon congratulations were coming in from every direction.
I feel like I just won the Lotto. I had just accepted the idea that I would be attending my backup school and settled on the idea. Now everything changed...In a heart beat. "In a New York minute" as the Eagles would say. It is amazing what one piece of information can do to your day. Everything seemed to flip up-sided down.
I couldn't be happier and cannot wait to start this new adventure. It will be in a place where I have plenty of friends, in addition to having my girlfriend with me. She'll have an opportunity to transfer positions (hopefully) to a financial institution which definitely helps with the financial issue of moving.
Now I just need to focus on the finish line.
Thesis defense date: April 29th
I couldn't be happier and cannot wait to start this new adventure. It will be in a place where I have plenty of friends, in addition to having my girlfriend with me. She'll have an opportunity to transfer positions (hopefully) to a financial institution which definitely helps with the financial issue of moving.
Now I just need to focus on the finish line.
Thesis defense date: April 29th
Thesis hardcopy due date: May 10th
Graduation date: May 21st
Graduation date: May 21st
Meeting in Italy: May 25th
Here is to staying on task!
Sunday, March 24, 2013
You Don't Always Get What You Want
"But sometimes, you might just find, you get what you need."
It has now been several weeks since my last update, and there is a reason for that. I've been crazy with multiple things.
In the past 2 weeks I've been:
1) Working to create a presentation for my thesis
2) Ran a marathon (completed in 4hrs and 16 mins)
3) Finishing the experiments required for my thesis
4) Dealing with grad school rejections
Let's begin with number 1 shall we?
As with most labs, my PI (Principal Investigator) requires that all students present research and current data in the field. This is a beneficial exercise as it prepares us to speak infront of large groups about our research. This will hopefully prepare me for my thesis defense; however, I've been so busy with finishing the experiments for my thesis that I've had little to no time to prepare this presentation. So I'm currently working to put one together, due on Wednesday Evening, that will hopefully go well. My most recent attempt at this (presenting my data to my thesis committee) did not go well and I am hoping to do a better job here.
A week ago today I ran a marathon, my second one actually, and beat my time by 11 minutes. I'm very excited by this and slightly saddened. My goal, after last year's, was to beat my time by about 1 hr and complete the marathon in 3 hrs and 30 mins. Unfortunately, due to a few injuries that I sustained from running and lab work, I was unable to meet that goal. I had revised my attempt to be about 30 minutes faster and complete it in under 30 minutes. This was again stifled by working on my thesis; I took about 2 weeks off from running to complete my thesis and as such, my attempt was hampered. I am, never the less, still impressed with my ability to shave off the time that I did. The weekend of the marathon was fantastic; I got to spend some time with my parents and girlfriend, the three people who make me happiest, and got some time away from the lab. I enjoyed the experience and will be sad that I wont be around next year for it (because I will be off getting my PhD in a different area).
The past few weeks have been filled with failed experiments and head scratchers. I've worked, tirelessly, to find the answers to the questions my thesis seeks; however, it has been to no avail. It would appear, that there may have been a reason for this, and my own anal retentiveness was hindering my progress. If only I were more lazy, I may have gotten better results sooner. In attempting to "post-mordem" my results with my PI, we came to the conclusion that this was the case and as such, I shall attempt to salvage some of the data. If this works, and it is a BIG "if", then I'll be rather excited and shall be that much closer to a publication.
My second interview resulted in my being "wait-listed." I am disappointed to say the least. My "backup" school has now become the school that it appears I shall be attending for my PhD. That is not to say it is a bad school; it offers a wonderful curriculum, stipend, and amazing faculty. It just limits my access to the faculty who practice the research that I wish to work with. I am disappointed in myself, I suppose, because this shows that in those 15 minutes that I had with my interviewers, I wasn't "that good." Perhaps I could have done something differently... I don't know. I guess there is not much to do about it at this point. I could spend hours and days reliving what I could or should have done differently, but it wont change things.
And so, it looks like my ever supportive girlfriend and I shall be moving. We'll be off on a grand grad adventure and I couldn't think of anyone else I'd rather do this with than her. She's been so supportive through this whole process.
So what now? Well...now I guess I need to find an apartment, finish my thesis and enjoy my summer.
More updates to follow
Out of this moment of failure, I've found direction. I have a place to go to. It is certain, and I'll have my best friend there with me through it all. It is an awfully big adventure to have. But one that I can share.
I'm excited and terrified.
Let's see what this next week has to offer
It has now been several weeks since my last update, and there is a reason for that. I've been crazy with multiple things.
In the past 2 weeks I've been:
1) Working to create a presentation for my thesis
2) Ran a marathon (completed in 4hrs and 16 mins)
3) Finishing the experiments required for my thesis
4) Dealing with grad school rejections
Let's begin with number 1 shall we?
As with most labs, my PI (Principal Investigator) requires that all students present research and current data in the field. This is a beneficial exercise as it prepares us to speak infront of large groups about our research. This will hopefully prepare me for my thesis defense; however, I've been so busy with finishing the experiments for my thesis that I've had little to no time to prepare this presentation. So I'm currently working to put one together, due on Wednesday Evening, that will hopefully go well. My most recent attempt at this (presenting my data to my thesis committee) did not go well and I am hoping to do a better job here.
A week ago today I ran a marathon, my second one actually, and beat my time by 11 minutes. I'm very excited by this and slightly saddened. My goal, after last year's, was to beat my time by about 1 hr and complete the marathon in 3 hrs and 30 mins. Unfortunately, due to a few injuries that I sustained from running and lab work, I was unable to meet that goal. I had revised my attempt to be about 30 minutes faster and complete it in under 30 minutes. This was again stifled by working on my thesis; I took about 2 weeks off from running to complete my thesis and as such, my attempt was hampered. I am, never the less, still impressed with my ability to shave off the time that I did. The weekend of the marathon was fantastic; I got to spend some time with my parents and girlfriend, the three people who make me happiest, and got some time away from the lab. I enjoyed the experience and will be sad that I wont be around next year for it (because I will be off getting my PhD in a different area).
The past few weeks have been filled with failed experiments and head scratchers. I've worked, tirelessly, to find the answers to the questions my thesis seeks; however, it has been to no avail. It would appear, that there may have been a reason for this, and my own anal retentiveness was hindering my progress. If only I were more lazy, I may have gotten better results sooner. In attempting to "post-mordem" my results with my PI, we came to the conclusion that this was the case and as such, I shall attempt to salvage some of the data. If this works, and it is a BIG "if", then I'll be rather excited and shall be that much closer to a publication.
My second interview resulted in my being "wait-listed." I am disappointed to say the least. My "backup" school has now become the school that it appears I shall be attending for my PhD. That is not to say it is a bad school; it offers a wonderful curriculum, stipend, and amazing faculty. It just limits my access to the faculty who practice the research that I wish to work with. I am disappointed in myself, I suppose, because this shows that in those 15 minutes that I had with my interviewers, I wasn't "that good." Perhaps I could have done something differently... I don't know. I guess there is not much to do about it at this point. I could spend hours and days reliving what I could or should have done differently, but it wont change things.
And so, it looks like my ever supportive girlfriend and I shall be moving. We'll be off on a grand grad adventure and I couldn't think of anyone else I'd rather do this with than her. She's been so supportive through this whole process.
So what now? Well...now I guess I need to find an apartment, finish my thesis and enjoy my summer.
More updates to follow
Out of this moment of failure, I've found direction. I have a place to go to. It is certain, and I'll have my best friend there with me through it all. It is an awfully big adventure to have. But one that I can share.
I'm excited and terrified.
Let's see what this next week has to offer
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Missed it by THAT much
To quote Steve Carell..."Missed it by THAT much!!!!"
2 days have passed since my deadline and I have not completed my thesis. This was partially my fault and partially not.
As I was entering the final stretch of what would be my first draft, my computer suddenly became glitchy. Without cause or warning, it wouldn't let me save my thesis. Something was drastically wrong and I didn't know what. Having a Mac, I used the "repair disk utility" to see if something was wrong. A few minutes later I discovered that something indeed had gone awry, but it was fixable and fixed. I opened my thesis once again and began working. Unfortunately, a matter of minutes passed and my work was once again compromised. This time, I was highly suspecting something more malicious to be present causing the damage. I installed a malware search program to identify any wrong-doers and dispose of them accordingly. To my surprise, it was clean. Strange to say the least. As I began the disk repair again, it noted several corruptions, though it said that it was unable to repair the damage as it was running on the OS. I had to restart my computer and repair from the Rescue/Repair menue. Easy enough I thought. Before I restarted though, I saved back-up copies of my thesis and relatable files to Google-Drive (an online storage space...I highly recommend using it). I restarted my computer and ran the disk-repair.
Much to my dismay, there was a hard-disk error that was not repairable. My heart sank and I was sick. It suggested my backing everything up and Formatting my hard-drive. Oddly enough, it would not let me re-enter my computer to do so. I was stuck with what I had saved online and saved on my external hard drive (mostly everything... I routinely backup my hard drive every 10 days out of sheer paranoia for such an event as this). I raced to retrieve my thesis and informed my professor of the damage. Having a very understanding and heartfelt talk, she let me know it was okay and that she understood. Calmly I returned home to begin the process of repair.
I initially restored my computer from a previous back-up point. Not a bad solution, taking ~3 hours to do so, I was back in business and began typing away, working at lost figures/legends and all other manner of thesising. Within a half hour, my computer was once again...down. I decided to do a quick format of the hard drive and re-install everything. Luckily for me, I am a minor packrat and hold on to all of my electronics. I have a spare macbook that I was never willing to part ways with and so, I turned to it, my old and trusty friend. As my newest shiny toy was being stripped of all of its files and reinstalled, I began cautiously working on my old one. As I opened my back-up copies, I found that they too, were not functional and so, the corruption was one far reaching beyond my efforts to prevent such a disaster.
A modest amount of work was achieved as I was...disheartened to say the least. Such an event as this takes a lot out of a person...to see my efforts gone, through no fault of my own...no malicious program...no nothing...I felt scared to begin again and the full force of my passion and brain were not behind this. As the night progressed, I watched as the re-installation of my OS occurred (initially saying it would take 12 hours...and then 6) time dragged on. I decided not much would be accomplished at 11pm and so I closed up shop. I was, however, unable to sleep. I finally was greeted by the Sandman at 2am, only to be stirred awake by my Mac, an hour later, letting me know of its completion. A joyous moment, sure, but not one to be having at 3am. I grabbed my external hard drive and had it begin its process of restoration, replacing every file and program from my most recent backup. Hurray for this.
In the midst of everything. I found that the cause of the corruption was the fact that my thesis was "Too Big." To be clear, my thesis was in the 40-50 page range...however, due to figures and charts, the file size was 30+MB. Indeed a large file. Though Microsoft and Mac deny the claims, there are several forums which clearly describe when a file reaches a certain point in Office 2011, there is a problem that arises and this is it. A permanent hard-disk corruption. There is no alternative but to format it and anything new is lost. As I'm not the only one who has experienced this issue, I feel somewhat consoled and somewhat violated. I am angry with both companies...but mostly Microsoft. Having a prejudice against them, I recognize that I must take this into account, but their program cost me time, and energy...though there was no blood, plenty of tears and sweat were poured over this and it only enrages me further. Mac's Pages does not have this problem and I love them for it.
Most of yesterday was reserved for not writing, as it was my birthday and I felt compelled to enjoy it, as much as I could, despite the tragedy. I removed Microsoft office 2011 from my computer only to find that the version of EndNote I possess would not function with Microsoft 2008. Disgruntled, I removed EndNote and restarted my computer. Alas, components remain and so, today, as I write from my Lab, my newest Mac is once again being Formatted (this time, at the most thorough level...doing a 7-pass sweep to ensure deletion. When I return home, I shall re-install the OS and hopefully continue my work from my newest computer.
Lesson's learned:
1) 1 back up isn't good enough
2) Don't just over-write a old file with a new update. Save Save SAVE
3) Keep old electronics. They may save you
4) Sometimes, you need to sit back, say "FUCK IT" and have some whiskey
Note: I discovered the conflict that caused the corruption to be the cause of an incompatibility between MS 2011 and Time Machine (a program responsible for systematic back-ups on the Mac). This problem normally isn't fatal, however, when a file larger that 30MB is being worked on, it becomes so.
For those who doubt and for those who wish to see for themselves: Microsoft Forum on Autosave/Time Machine
Additionally, I received another "No Thank You" from another school.
New Score:
Yes- 1
Interview - 1
No - 5
Unknown - 4
2 days have passed since my deadline and I have not completed my thesis. This was partially my fault and partially not.
As I was entering the final stretch of what would be my first draft, my computer suddenly became glitchy. Without cause or warning, it wouldn't let me save my thesis. Something was drastically wrong and I didn't know what. Having a Mac, I used the "repair disk utility" to see if something was wrong. A few minutes later I discovered that something indeed had gone awry, but it was fixable and fixed. I opened my thesis once again and began working. Unfortunately, a matter of minutes passed and my work was once again compromised. This time, I was highly suspecting something more malicious to be present causing the damage. I installed a malware search program to identify any wrong-doers and dispose of them accordingly. To my surprise, it was clean. Strange to say the least. As I began the disk repair again, it noted several corruptions, though it said that it was unable to repair the damage as it was running on the OS. I had to restart my computer and repair from the Rescue/Repair menue. Easy enough I thought. Before I restarted though, I saved back-up copies of my thesis and relatable files to Google-Drive (an online storage space...I highly recommend using it). I restarted my computer and ran the disk-repair.
Much to my dismay, there was a hard-disk error that was not repairable. My heart sank and I was sick. It suggested my backing everything up and Formatting my hard-drive. Oddly enough, it would not let me re-enter my computer to do so. I was stuck with what I had saved online and saved on my external hard drive (mostly everything... I routinely backup my hard drive every 10 days out of sheer paranoia for such an event as this). I raced to retrieve my thesis and informed my professor of the damage. Having a very understanding and heartfelt talk, she let me know it was okay and that she understood. Calmly I returned home to begin the process of repair.
I initially restored my computer from a previous back-up point. Not a bad solution, taking ~3 hours to do so, I was back in business and began typing away, working at lost figures/legends and all other manner of thesising. Within a half hour, my computer was once again...down. I decided to do a quick format of the hard drive and re-install everything. Luckily for me, I am a minor packrat and hold on to all of my electronics. I have a spare macbook that I was never willing to part ways with and so, I turned to it, my old and trusty friend. As my newest shiny toy was being stripped of all of its files and reinstalled, I began cautiously working on my old one. As I opened my back-up copies, I found that they too, were not functional and so, the corruption was one far reaching beyond my efforts to prevent such a disaster.
A modest amount of work was achieved as I was...disheartened to say the least. Such an event as this takes a lot out of a person...to see my efforts gone, through no fault of my own...no malicious program...no nothing...I felt scared to begin again and the full force of my passion and brain were not behind this. As the night progressed, I watched as the re-installation of my OS occurred (initially saying it would take 12 hours...and then 6) time dragged on. I decided not much would be accomplished at 11pm and so I closed up shop. I was, however, unable to sleep. I finally was greeted by the Sandman at 2am, only to be stirred awake by my Mac, an hour later, letting me know of its completion. A joyous moment, sure, but not one to be having at 3am. I grabbed my external hard drive and had it begin its process of restoration, replacing every file and program from my most recent backup. Hurray for this.
In the midst of everything. I found that the cause of the corruption was the fact that my thesis was "Too Big." To be clear, my thesis was in the 40-50 page range...however, due to figures and charts, the file size was 30+MB. Indeed a large file. Though Microsoft and Mac deny the claims, there are several forums which clearly describe when a file reaches a certain point in Office 2011, there is a problem that arises and this is it. A permanent hard-disk corruption. There is no alternative but to format it and anything new is lost. As I'm not the only one who has experienced this issue, I feel somewhat consoled and somewhat violated. I am angry with both companies...but mostly Microsoft. Having a prejudice against them, I recognize that I must take this into account, but their program cost me time, and energy...though there was no blood, plenty of tears and sweat were poured over this and it only enrages me further. Mac's Pages does not have this problem and I love them for it.
Most of yesterday was reserved for not writing, as it was my birthday and I felt compelled to enjoy it, as much as I could, despite the tragedy. I removed Microsoft office 2011 from my computer only to find that the version of EndNote I possess would not function with Microsoft 2008. Disgruntled, I removed EndNote and restarted my computer. Alas, components remain and so, today, as I write from my Lab, my newest Mac is once again being Formatted (this time, at the most thorough level...doing a 7-pass sweep to ensure deletion. When I return home, I shall re-install the OS and hopefully continue my work from my newest computer.
Lesson's learned:
1) 1 back up isn't good enough
2) Don't just over-write a old file with a new update. Save Save SAVE
3) Keep old electronics. They may save you
4) Sometimes, you need to sit back, say "FUCK IT" and have some whiskey
Note: I discovered the conflict that caused the corruption to be the cause of an incompatibility between MS 2011 and Time Machine (a program responsible for systematic back-ups on the Mac). This problem normally isn't fatal, however, when a file larger that 30MB is being worked on, it becomes so.
For those who doubt and for those who wish to see for themselves: Microsoft Forum on Autosave/Time Machine
Additionally, I received another "No Thank You" from another school.
New Score:
Yes- 1
Interview - 1
No - 5
Unknown - 4
Monday, January 7, 2013
Accepting that not everyone will accept
I knew, when I began applying for some PhD programs that a few were definitely beyond my reach; that is not to say that I am not qualified, some are just more prestigious than others and as such, more competitive. In the last few days I've received a second request for an interview, definitely a boost to my ego. I've felt that I was on top of the world and clearly I was more competitive than what I believed myself to be. These schools use a pressure technique to get you to come to their school, leaving very little time to make up your mind and respond. Needless to say, so far it has worked... they played a tune and I danced...and I danced happily I might add.
Lesson from this: No one ever gets 100% on everything, first instincts are generally the correct ones, and we all have disappointments. There are many versions of this, but this is what is in my head: We all get knocked down, what matters most is what you do when you get back up
EDIT:
1/10/13
Within the last hour I received a rejection letter from one of the schools I had my heart set on. That notice stung to say the least. It hurt knowing that my dream school didn't see me as a dream applicant. Though I do have faults as a student, I feel that I am a fairly well rounded student. I have several awards, a publication, a fairly high GPA and have attended several big name conferences to present my research. It leaves me asking the question "What more could they want? What do the others have that I don't? What could I have done differently?"
I don't know, and I wont. What I do know, is that I am extremely disappointed. I am, once again, very uncertain of my future in academia. A job in the private sector does seem enticing, especially since, I've received a phone call from a head-hunter for the science community and a few requests for job applications.
New Score: 2 Interviews- 2 Nos- 7 schools unanswered
These emails that I have received, thus far, have given no hint as to what lays within the attachments; there is some file usually attached, with a mildly ambiguous title I might add, located at the bottom of a completely vague letter. Much to my surprise they have, thus far, been invitations to visit a program and offered to pay the travel expenses.
I did, however, receive my very first rejection letter today. A minor blow to my ego, to say the least. Again, the structure of the email followed a very similar format, very mild in tone and unwilling to divulge any information until the attachment was viewed. I saw, however, that this email was slightly different; perhaps the author of it hadn't attended the School of Drafting Graduate Letters, or perhaps he was simply defiant of those old habits. The key word that tipped its hat, winked at me and got my hopes sky high, was the word "decision."
Part of me knew that it was too soon to have one of those, it couldn't be good news, nothing ever this quick would be. I wanted to believe the best, after all, I had two interviews already; what if this school didn't need to see me in person, what if they just knew I would fit? I think my ego betrayed me here, it let my hopes sky-rocket, see past what I knew and what I felt to be true.
I tried to open this attachment from my phone, but it was to no avail. This PDF wasn't like others, it was simply stuck in a perpetual state of loading...making no progress beyond 0% (an ominous sign if I've ever seen one). Finally, the anticipation of what lay within this letter was too great and I had to excuse myself from the lunch I was having with my friends to quell the questions that were bubbling inside. My hands were shaking with anticipation and I was so excited to see what this school had to say. I entered my lab and opened my laptop. It took a brief moment to find the email; rather than wasting the time to download the PDF, I simply asked for the "Quick View." As my eyes began to go through the lines, reading about the other applicants, my heart sank.
"I regret to inform you...."
And that removed one of my options.
It wasn't even a school I was particularly enthused to attend...but it was an option, and a high ranking school. Although, until I began this quest for grad school, I hadn't heard of it. But that doesn't matter. I spent time and energy applying and I was sad to see that something I wanted, even distantly, wasn't available.
"I regret to inform you...."
And that removed one of my options.
It wasn't even a school I was particularly enthused to attend...but it was an option, and a high ranking school. Although, until I began this quest for grad school, I hadn't heard of it. But that doesn't matter. I spent time and energy applying and I was sad to see that something I wanted, even distantly, wasn't available.
It stung and hurt my pride.
But, to quote Mel Brooks' Young Frankenstein, "No, no. Be of good cheer. If science teaches us anything, it is to accept our successes as well as our failures with quiet, dignity and grace." Never mind the thing that immediately follows.
It is, after all, only 1 out of 11. Of the schools that have responded, I am 2/3...good odds so far. I will happily take those opportunities, hope there are a few more to follow, and see where all the dust settles.
Lesson from this: No one ever gets 100% on everything, first instincts are generally the correct ones, and we all have disappointments. There are many versions of this, but this is what is in my head: We all get knocked down, what matters most is what you do when you get back up
EDIT:
1/10/13
Within the last hour I received a rejection letter from one of the schools I had my heart set on. That notice stung to say the least. It hurt knowing that my dream school didn't see me as a dream applicant. Though I do have faults as a student, I feel that I am a fairly well rounded student. I have several awards, a publication, a fairly high GPA and have attended several big name conferences to present my research. It leaves me asking the question "What more could they want? What do the others have that I don't? What could I have done differently?"
I don't know, and I wont. What I do know, is that I am extremely disappointed. I am, once again, very uncertain of my future in academia. A job in the private sector does seem enticing, especially since, I've received a phone call from a head-hunter for the science community and a few requests for job applications.
New Score: 2 Interviews- 2 Nos- 7 schools unanswered
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