The Cost That No One Talks About

I read a few articles not long after having started my PhD that laid out the costs of obtaining a degree in higher education (see blogs Slate and  Quartz). While I personally found many of the statements true, the emotional cost that it spoke of, did not directly speak to me. It mentioned that many people become depressed, suicidal, emotionally unstable, and either act on it or leave the program. I say this as a preface for the things that have all been happening within the last few months that I have not taken the time to update here. I haven't because, dealing with it in person has been taxing and the idea of rehashing it, as it is all happening around me, was too much.

An important piece of information is that statistically, the attrition rate at the PhD level is roughly 50%. While my cohort originally started with six (five first year students and one vet-med dual degree PhD) we are now down to three. Two of those left because they realized that they weren't doing the thing that made them happy, or that a PhD wasn't for them and opted to cut their losses. One came into the program with a lot of emotional baggage and during our second year was hospitalized for depression and alcoholism; as such, they have been quietly asked to leave the program, given a year to get their life together, and may be given the opportunity to return. My class is pretty much batting average.

The class below me, the current 2nd years, are wrapping up their last bit of class work and are soon to be taking their qualifying exams. They too are a class of 6 and have already begun seeing that people will leave. One of their cohort, a friend of mine, has struggled with handling intra-lab politics, as well as interactions with her boss. While no mentor-mentee relationship is perfect, theirs is/was a sordid mess. Her boss is someone whom I have a very strong distaste for, I have said I will never work with again, and I can only imagine what being in her lab would be like. The boss is a vile venomous person and I cannot think of a nice thing to say. As such, the kind of vitriol that spewed forth from her mouth and toward my friend has left a potential lethal wound. Recently, my friend was in the hospital for reasons not disclosed to any beyond a select few. Having some deductive reasoning skills of my own, along with a contextual understanding, I believe she was there due to a worry of inflicting self harm. Two weeks ago, her lab members were reckless and did something that put lives at risk. For my friend, this was the last straw. She has decided to leave the program until September and quite frankly, I really don't think she will return. The statement itself is awful because she has a brilliant mind and could do wonderfully given the right mentorship but I don't think she had that opportunity.

The combination of those now gone from my cohort and the new absence has others talking. It has the current second years questioning who will be the next to go, to throw in the towel and walk away. And truthfully, it isn't just the second years talking either, the first years are watching and they are all a bit scared. Several of them have talked about being nervous that they won't make it through. Made jokes about hoping that it won't be them next to leave. It is in the program's best interest to have a lower rate of attrition but how do we accomplish that? How do we reshape this culture of cruel behavior? It isn't in the interest of academia to raise a bunch of softies who can't take a punch (by which I mean who can't compete for grant funding, who can't defend their work, who can't take constructive criticism) but that isn't all what is happening here.

I see that there needs to be a culture change but of the three of my cohort remaining, I'm the only active participant in program activities. The dual-degree has a year left before her return to vet-school and as such has been under the wire to publish and produce as much data as possible, leaving little to no time for anything else. The other student works at a lab on part of our satellite campus and he is, from what I've heard, struggling. While this student did pass his qualifying exam, he has been struggling to maintain consistent progress and may not make it through the program. So of the six of us, I may be the last one standing. That is a huge undertaking for one person and in the interest of self preservation and success I honestly just want to finish my work so that I can graduate.

Lastly, a lab member of mine has recently had a lot of health issues. In trying to identify what is the source of the illness, he has undergone a myriad of tests, the results came back inconclusive but pointing to one of several diseases that may leave him wheelchair bound or dead within the next 5 years. This news was shocking and surprising, and he took me into his confidence for two main reasons: 1) if anything should happen to him while working, he wanted someone to know what to tell EMS, and 2) to have someone to talk about and confide in. This has obviously raised a lot of questions for him about what to do next. I mean, if someone told you that the clock is ticking and in 5 years you wouldn't be here anymore, what would you do? Would you keep working? The problem is, he doesn't have a timeline yet, there are still so many tests left to be done to narrow down the cause of his symptoms and questions left unanswered. It could be something that kills him in 5 or 30 years. That's a big difference and one that would make a lot of choices easier or more difficult...but he still needs more information. As that has been unfolding, I have been a sounding board, absorbing the information he has so far, offering comfort where I can, and proffering advice when asked. I can't empathize with him because that isn't a situation I've ever been in nor can I fully grasp (and I doubt anyone could unless they too received that kind of news).

For these students, doing a PhD has caused their worlds to come crumbling down around them. Their health has declined, by which I mean both physical and mental. Their support systems aren't there, and those of us who can identify and support them are too wrapped up in our own work to really offer the kind of help they all need. Doing a PhD isn't easy, no one ever said it was, but until recently, people haven't spoken about the true health cost of getting one and it needs to be voiced. It is only when we give it a voice that I think we'll be able to tackle the conversation of how to change the culture so that this kind of emotional damage isn't inflicted upon the students. There is a high cost to this degree and for some, they do pay with their lives...that price is too high and no one should have to pay it.

More Work?

I've been back in the lab, post Qualifying Exam now, and the steam is starting to pick back up. The 3 weeks I took away from the lab to study for it weren't really 3 weeks away, but the main focus of my work had stopped. I've begun setting up experiments and getting plans together but since then, I've been added to another 2.5 projects bringing the total up to 5.5. On the one hand, I don't know that I mind that much because it should result in the publications I need to graduate, however, the boss still seems to expect that everything is being moved forward every week and while I've only been back in the lab for 4 weeks, I don't have too much data to show because my experiments take ~45 days to set up and execute. When I'm not working on my main projects, I'm also managing the lab for him (this includes: attending safety meetings, making sure others are trained and follow the safety standards, maintaining lab supplies, managing the lab "chore duty" schedule, making the reagents that we all use) with no additional pay bump (not that I've asked for one). I do see he is a bit more "lenient" with me than the other members, but I still can see the surprise on his face when I don't have "more data" for him from week to week in this past month. I'm not really sure what he is expecting or where else I can improve. It never seems to be good enough. I always get the fatherly disappointed face when I can't remember a paper we discussed over a year ago (journal, authors, year published, main factoid of the paper) which is...exhausting and exasperating. I feel like he has forgotten what it was to be a grad student, or maybe just that his expectations are too high, or maybe a combination of factors but I do know that he pushes us pretty hard with little to no acknowledgement of the times we do perform or do succeed and it gets old.
I'm just starting my 3rd year and I feel like the next 2yrs that I have left are going to be nothing short of brutal. Buckle up and let's get down to business.

I meant to keep updating, I really did.

I've meant to keep updating this thing, I swear I did. I promised myself that I would spend 1 hour a week updating this blog, I mean that isn't that much time, right? I also swore to keep running, at least 5 days a week for 30 minutes - 1 hour. Not that much of a time commitment to myself, after all, I deserve some me time, right? I was wrong. I was gravely mistaken.

So, not to make excuses, but let me just review the goings on of the last year.
I took the remaining classes necessary for me to be able to sit for my qualifying exam. I bumped up production of my own project dramatically, took on a back up project and when our lab manager left, I began to assume her duties. Those duties are not trivial ones either and do place a high demand on my time. So when I wasn't in the lab, I was at home studying or reading for class.
In this last year, I also presented a poster in NOLA which was great, my first real poster session since my masters with all the people in the new field I've chosen. As the spring quarter began, I knew that the QE season was upon us. I began trying to get the members of my cohort together to study on a weekly basis, which started out well but quickly petered out. Also, I was asked to take on a collaboration with a lab located on the opposite coast, which meant that I would have to fly to and from on a semi-regular basis to actually do the experiments myself in their facility. While I saw this as an awesome opportunity, I also saw the time commitment it was going to take and I was already concerned about my QE. I voiced my concerns to my boss but he seemed little interested and pushed on. I made 2 trips out to the other coast, each trip lasting a total of 3 days (including travel time) and all requiring layovers. These 2 trips ended up being 8 and 4 weeks before my QE. Needless to say, while I was flying I was also reading and reviewing. In the end, my boss also gave me 3 weeks off to study for the exam and review, I feel like I could have used more time but, it was sufficient.

I would also like to paint a picture of my QE since everyone's is different, and the format itself depends upon the university as well as the department. Mine was a 3 hour exam, split into 2 parts. Part 1 being focused solely on my project, I was supposed to get 20 minutes of uninterrupted time to explain my project's hypothesis, aims, and hypothetical outcomes. After which 5 professors try to poke holes in the project and see how well you can come up with answers based on your knowledge and your background. We then get a 10 minute break, followed by Part 2, which is focused on examining general knowledge of the topic, 2 inside areas, 1 outside area and a designated emphasis (equivalent to a minor as an undergrad). Each of these areas are represented by a professor on your committee and they get to ask you questions until they are satisfied of your knowledge. At the end, they kick you out of the room and deliberate if you demonstrated the knowledge base required to advance towards candidacy. If you don't, you can retake the exam 1 time, if you should not pass, there is no option to "Master out", the university requires removal from the program. So no pressure not pass, right?
From my own experience, I did not feel prepared going into the exam. I knew how much I didn't know and that was terrifying. I knew my project well, but you never know the kinds of questions that will be brought up and what kind of perspective people will bring to the table. I walked out of my exam with my head hanging low, expecting that I had failed. Given how hard the questions were, how persistent they hammered on some topics, I was sure I would have to retake the exam. I began to ask myself what I was doing, why I was even in the program. Was it all a mistake?
Luckily, and I'm sure by the skin of my teeth, I passed. My 10 minute existential crises was for nothing, but it is surprising what those 10 minutes can do to you.
I spent the weekend relaxing and taking time to just...exist without feeling rushed to do something. It was a great 3 day weekend.

My preparation for the QE was exhaustive, the number of papers I read for my topic insane. I also chose to do my outside area on a topic that I actually hadn't taken as a course, so I had 10 weeks of material to learn on my own in a few days worth of time really. The review group that I had set up only made it through a little more than half of the textbook and there were still other areas that needed to be studied. I could feel knowledge oozing from my brain and I felt like my retention rate was diminishing. I'm sure that in the process, in order to make more room, I had to delete memories of my childhood or important information linked to something somewhere...though what it may be, eludes me... as I would expect it would.

As I began back in the lab, I was excited to get started. During all of this QE nonsense, I agreed to take on an undergraduate trainee, take on another collaboration with our department chair's lab, and write a mini review for a journal. I met with my boss yesterday and he put me on another project. So all told, I have about 4 projects to work on and 1 paper to write. Oh, and I had a recent methods paper accepted where I am second author. So...the stress level comes back up to 11 and we're off to the races again.

I have friends visiting this weekend, I fly out on Monday to visit the collaborators, fly back Tuesday afternoon. I have a massive experiment that will span Thursday-Friday and then I catch a flight to go visit my family for the weekend to celebrate my dad's birthday. The pressure won't stop. So much to get done in so little time on so little sleep.

Also, some happy news, I also got engaged last February, marking 5 years together, and I'm sure we'll begin planning the actual wedding soon enough.

In the end it will all be ok

"In the end it will all be okay, if it is not okay, it is not yet the end."

This seems to be the mantra of every grad student.

No seriously.

Everyone seems panicked and trying to find a way to calm themselves down. It is a good quote and luckily it is true. There seem to be a myriad of things that really do bring a student to complete insanity and it is a wonder more of us aren't more screwed up than we are. I mean, who would do what we do for the pay we earn and still think we're "okay"?

Seriously, there seem to be a never ending series of demands placed on our time. There are seminars we have to attend weekly or biweekly. We have classes where we are required to read anywhere from 2-6 papers (primary science journal articles...if you've not read one, I encourage you to try...it takes quite a lot of energy, focus and pure will power to get through them) per class per week (say we take the average of 4 papers and 3 classes and a 10 week quarter, that roughly adds up to about 120 papers...if each paper requires a minimum of 2 hrs to get through that is 420 hours a week at minimum) and we have to plan/execute our experiments. We also have to worry about our funding and writing grants, constantly wondering if grants will get renewed or if we'll have to teach..."what if our PI doesn't get tenure? What if they get a better offer decide to move? Do we have to go to? Will we have to start over again with someone new?" Oh, and on top of it all we are also required to keep an overall 3.2 gpa during this whole process as well. So if we factor in a social/romantic/family life...really there is not much time left for things like cleaning/cooking/sleeping.

They say that there are mental health professionals available exclusively to graduate students, which is great and I can see a need for them. There is a tremendous amount of pressure that we are under and I know a few of my colleagues have sought out there help. Unfortunately, from what they've said...these "professionals" are of little use. They basically instruct my friends to "suck it up" and "find a way to deal" with everything. Great advice...why didn't they think of that?

I do see though that everything does turn out okay. Grants get funded (sometimes just sneaking in). I've seen other PI's get private funding at the last minute. I've seen us all panic before exams only to come out the other side with A's and B's. Each time we hold our breaths a little longer, stress a little more and question what we're doing but everything does turn out fine.

I'm a year away from taking my qualifying exams. I have to start prepping soon. By the end, I'll have to know a textbook backward and forward. Know every aspect of my project and a majority of an "outside" subject that I've yet to select. I see how scared some people look at the idea of even attempting this. But the truth is... I know that by the time I'll be in front of my exam committee, I'll be ready, as will the rest of my cohort. I recall being an undergrad and seeing the Master's students write their theses and thinking to myself "there is no way I could write a book. And that's why I'll never do a Master's or a PhD. I mean, who can talk about science THAT much?!" But it turns out, by the time you get there, you'll be ready to do it. You don't even realize that you are. It sort of happens. You get trained by great professors (if you've chosen wisely) and you work hard for them. It is a total Karate Kid kind of thing. You get Miyagi-ed.

With all of the "wax-on", "wax-off" and "paint the fence"...you learn what you need to know and you can stand before a committee of professors, your peers, and professors that have become your peers...and be able to defend your work.

And for all the worrying that goes on...really, it turns out okay.

So is my message "don't worry"? no... no it is not.

If you're not scared, you're not doing it right. You should be terrified. But everyone needs to remember that the worry will make you better and you'll be okay in the end.

To modify a great quote:

Just keep pipetting, just keep pipetting...just keep pipetting pipetting pipetting. What do we do? We pipette

Till next time. Keep pipetting

The first year in review

I've not been writing as religiously as I intended. The beginnings of this program were rocky and I felt I almost lost my footing. Now, my first year as a PhD student is coming to a close, I feel like I've been through so much this since I've moved and began this journey that it couldn't have all taken place in such a short amount of time.

Beginning with home life, I move in with my girlfriend and together we've made a very nice place for ourselves. There are still a few things we'd like to change or do, but living in an apartment definitely limits your options. Living with someone else has taken some adjusting, on both sides, but I think we're cohabit acting quite nicely together. 

My girlfriend moved up here with a cat (Abbey) and, back in September/ November, we felt she was getting rather lonely...so we adopted another friend for her to play with. His name is Perry, after the Disney character, due to the loud purring noises he makes and propensity to disappear. He is fun, full of love and a little Derpy. He has become very attached to me in a very short amount of time. He likes to sit in the office with me while I study or read and during my breaks from work I've taught him several tricks (including: sit, stand, shake, lay down, roll over). He also likes to play fetch with us, and occasionally runs around with his tongue hanging out. 

The first year of a PhD is filled with classes, seminars, reading and rotations. It seems like they ask you to learn and do so much...way more in fact than anyone actually has time for. We lose a lot of sleep, eat poorly, and exercise less than we'd like. By we, I mean the collective first year cohort. The first quarter we were here, we had 4 classes together and saw each other rather frequently. As the year has progressed, we've begun seeing much less of one another...due to difference in classes and difference in lab locations. The campus and lab spaces are spread throughout two cities so locations of labs do play a role in where you rotate and eventually where you will live during the remainder of your degree here. 

My first 2 rotations were in labs located 30ish minutes away by car from main campus. Initially, for my first rotation, I was biking every day to main campus and then taking an inter campus shuttle to the secondary area. This did make commuting rather difficult as the bus stopped running at 7:30 pm. For "normal people" this wouldn't be much of an issue, but for graduate students who live in the lab it does present a problem. My first lab was one that never stopped. Without exaggeration, there was always someone in that lab...24/7 there is someone there. Everyone keeps very different hours and there were no windows in the lab so you rarely felt the pull of night telling you it was time to go home. I began feeling that my commuting via bus was causing tension (having to leave early, so I wouldn't be stuck in a city without a ride home) and so I bought a parking pass and began driving out there. Where this did ease some the stress and tension I still felt like things weren't quite clicking. The research done in this lab involved a lot of cancer biology, a bit of HVGD and some emerging studies with viruses. I felt that the environment was a tough one, but I could thrive there given the opportunity to do so. The PI of the lab was rarely there, living in another state, and relied heavily upon the opinion and information provided to him of his current students. Upon exiting his lab, he stated that he liked my work but had another student rotating with him and needed to give them a shot before offering me a position. I said that I understood and moved on to my next rotation.

My second rotation was in a lab that was also part of a hospital. There were several layers of security and screening to go through just to rotate there. The first 2-3 weeks of my rotation, the PI of the lab wasn't present. He was gone due to an illness and a conference and so I began my rotation very haphazardly. There were conflicting reports of what project I was to work on and who with. Things got off to a very rocky start, but eventually settled down a bit. I found myself working hard and being asked to help with other things, but the research itself wasn't one that really got me excited. It focussed heavily on the immune regulation of arthritis. I wanted to be thrilled and excited about it...I really did. The PI knew it wasn't the area I wanted to go in to and while he liked my work, he acknowledged that fact. As I exited his lab to start my 3 and final rotation the PI of Lab 2 offered me a spot and indicated that I would be free, in his lab, to pursue my interests of infectious models while working on immune regulation of arthritis. I thanked him for the offer and said that I had to give my 3rd rotation a shot before I committed. 

Right around the time I was leaving Lab 2, I had heard back from Lab 1 and was told that I would not be offered a position. That did make me a bit worried...I mean, I knew I wasn't the best fit for that lab, but I really wasn't thrilled about Lab 2 and Lab 3 was to have 4 of the 6 graduate students rotating through with only enough money to take on one student. That left me feeling like I had little hope of getting in to Lab 3 and that Lab 2 would really be my only option.

I felt stressed, tired and frustrated. I felt rejected. 

While most of this was occurring classes were still going on and in the first quarter. One of my classes only had 2 exams...a midterm and a final. I studied hard for the midterm but wasn't prepared for a section and got a C on it. I was eventually called in to the Dept. Chair's office and he asked me what happened, why I wasn't performing and told me I needed to make a change. I felt defeated. I broke down that night. After the final, I knew I hadn't aced the exam, but I didn't fail it either. I got the score back and was excited at first. I got enough points, or so I thought, to earn a B in the class. But the grade on the website said C+... how could that be? Each exam was weighted differently and as such it shifted my grade downward instead of upward. I was crushed. I thought this meant academic probation. Academic probation means no stipend. No stipend means loans. Loans were not an option in my mind...so that meant I was done.  What a failure, what a waste...of time, money, energy. What was I going to tell people back home? That was just too much and I was scared. I was never so happy to have my girlfriend with me. She talked me through it, told me everything was going to be okay. And it was. The official grade ended up being a B. I'm sure they curved it so that I wouldn't get a C+ and to keep me off of academic probation...that's the thing they don't tell you when you get into grad school. They don't want you to fail, they've already invested a lot of money in you and don't want you to drop. So they help...where they can. My Second quarter went much better, I was back in the swing of classes, back to studying harder than ever and I got mostly As and a B+.

During my Second quarter my 3rd rotation started. When I began my rotation, the PI indicated that this spot was a highly sought after one and that he tested his students to see how badly they wanted in the lab. The way that he knew that they were passionate about this work was that they would know not only about their projects but about everyone else's as well. I knew I had to be on point. I worked hard, stayed late, slept little, I asked everyone about their project and took notes while they explained. I said yes to whenever anyone needed anything. I made suggestions, I asked for input, I did everything I could. In the end, a week before my rotation was to end, I had a meeting with the PI. He quizzed me, asked me hard questions and each time I answered, I was asked another. It was terrifying. At the end of the meeting, the PI told me he needed to think about things and confer with the current students. I waited almost a week before he sent me an email offering me a position.

The sense of elation was mirrored only by my acceptance to this program. I was in. I had a new home. It meant being in a lab that studies the kind of stuff I want. I didn't have to move to the secondary campus. It meant that things really would work out.

It really was fantastic and I couldn't have been happier.

My third and final quarter of my first year, as I said, is coming to a close in a couple weeks. The second week in June is the week of finals...rapidly approaching and in that time, so much has changed.

Since moving here, I've flown home a few times to see my family and they've come a few times to see me. It is different, like I knew it would be. My room is still..."my room" but...it is distinctly not at the same time. I miss my parents a lot, and I know they miss me too. It is really hard for my mom. Each time they or I leave, she hugs me tightly and cries. Even when we Skype, she tears up. It is hard being away from my family, but it had to happen sooner or later. At 26, now 27 years old, it was time to move out...time to move on. I lived at home as long as I could and it was time for a new adventure.

With all of these changes, I'm excited and terrified to see what year 2 will bring. 

Hopefully this coming year, I'll be writing more. 

A sigh of relief

The culmination of a 3 year body of work has been defended.
I can exhale now and smile as this huge weight has finally been lifted.

In the hours before my defense (yesterday 4/29/13 at 3:30pm) I was frantically reviewing my notes, practicing slides and trying my best to anticipate all of the questions that may be asked. Though my actual talk only consisted of 38 slides in total (taking 47 minutes to present) I had an additional 40 slides that could have been utilized had anyone asked some difficult questions. I had everything I could imagine listed there and was terrified that a hole in my knowledge would be exposed to the rest of the chemistry department; terrified that they would see, in this last stage of obtaining my master's, that I didn't really belong here.

The room slowly filled with family and friends as the hour drew nearer. I was nervous and excited. It was wonderful to see old friends, a former teacher from my high school and all of the other grad students who came to watch. The faculty slowly filed in, it seemed. The room was packed; normally, during a talk, a room may be 1/4 - 1/2 full. There was standing room only as the time drew nearer.

A professor introduced me and I began speaking. At first, the nervousness was almost unbearable, I was having a hard time remembering what I wanted to say and the way I wanted to say it. As I continued though the nerves subsided. Eventually it was, for the most part, exactly as I had practiced. I stumbled a few times in my speaking, but nothing that was too detrimental. At times I tuned in and out of my own speech. I was on "autopilot" speaking the way I had practiced it many times before alone in my room. About half way through I realized that this all was really happening, that I was in the middle of my defense and it was impressive how real and distant it all felt at the same time.

I looked out into the audience often and saw the faces of those that love me smiling back. It was comforting to see that they were there and happy to see my work. I also saw some very confused faces and it made me think to myself "Oh crap, I've lost these people, they're not following the logic." In truth, you do lose some of your audience as you talk, and I had figured I would. My thesis is a complex story with very difficult logic to follow; as my professor calls it "mental gymnastics."

When I concluded, I thanked the audience and opened the floor for questions. I was asked a few, but none that required the slides I had prepared. They were explanation questions of the slides I had presented; i.e. people wanted another look at a graph or didactic I had provided. Nothing was particularly challenging (with the exception of one theoretical question). I was slightly disappointed that I didn't get to show off the slides I had prepared but was thankful for the cursory level of questioning.

The audience slowly filed out of the room, most stopping to shake my hand and congratulate me. It was definitely a great moment. The only people that stayed behind were my committee members and, once the room was empty, reviewed some changes that needed to be made to my final draft of my thesis. There were no major suggestions or revisions, just some typographical things that needed changing...potentially a change in headings here or there.

Once this committee meeting had concluded we returned to my lab where we celebrated my defense. My professor has a 2 part ritual for such events; a speech and the popping of a cork. My professor gave one of the most touching and heartfelt speeches I've ever seen. She spoke about how long we've known each other, the level of dedication I have, and the person I've become. She began to tear up while talking; I fought back tears and so did she. I've spent 8 years on this campus, 6 of which have been in her lab. I was in one of the first classes she ever taught. Her and I have been through a lot together and it will be tough, for the both of us, to not see each other or work with one another. I'm going to miss this place.  At the conclusion of her speech, I hugged her tightly and said thank you. She then shook a bottle of champaign and I popped the cork in the lab ceiling; I then circled the area, signed and dated it. This honor is reserved only for grad students in the lab. It is a physical representation of the "mark" we've left on the lab.

After which we all talked and celebrated. Elation isn't a strong enough word.

As the after party died down, I changed into some street clothing and my girlfriend, parents and I headed to a baseball game to celebrate. Though the team didn't win, we still had a great time together. It was an amazing night.

I fell asleep last night faster than I have in a long time and awoke with a smile. Something I've not done in years. Now, I sit and make the revisions. I'm one step closer to the final version. One step closer to being done for good. I'm a Master's student...about to become a PhD student...

It is all so close and all so exciting

"Let's get down to business to defeat the" thesis... and those standing in the way of my graduating

There is so much to write about, so much has happened in the last few weeks that I've failed to post on here, the question is, where to begin? I suppose that I should start with the obvious. 

My thesis defense date is less than a week away. Next Monday I will be standing in front of friends, family and the entire Chemistry/Biochemistry department presenting the research I've been conducting over the past several years. Where this is nerve wracking, it isn't as terrifying as the Q&A session that immediately follows. Anything and everything is fair game and sometimes there is nothing you can do but say "I don't know" or "I don't have an answer for that." This, to me, is the worst thing a person can say up there; I mean, in all fairness, I would rather someone admit ignorance than try to proffer an explanation that has no reliable material. I, however, am doing my best to circumvent any potential questions by having more back-up slides with didactic and explanations than I have actual presentation slides. 

I gave a practice talk this last Monday with just my professor listening. It well fairly well; minor corrections and suggestions. She suggested my saying a few things differently, displaying things slightly differently and overall said I had made a huge improvement over the last time I presented it (2 weeks ago). My thesis talk is mostly scripted and memorized, leaving very little time for anything extemporaneous. The talk is supposed to be about 40-45 minutes in length, currently mine is about 47. So I am almost at that mark and I have some more modifications to make...but I'll get there.

Additionally on Monday, my professor gave me another round of revisions of my thesis. These corrections are definitely welcome as I would prefer that my final version is devoid of errors, incorrect information or formatting issues. That being said, she also mentioned to a member of my committee that I have a new version that I'm working on. Apparently said committee member has a lot on their plate and didn't appreciate the fact that I've got a new version of my thesis and have yet to hand it to her. This committee member addressed me yesterday (at a point where I had only been give approximately 24 hrs with this new version) asking for the version in a demanding tone and almost in an accusatory fashion; almost as if she had thought I simply was withholding the newest version out of spite. Having explained the little time I've had with it, she still demanded I hand it to her as soon as possible. I don't appreciate the intonation or the manner in which I was addressed...so...now I'm updating my blog. Score 1 for passive aggressive behavior.

I don't believe I've mentioned previously, but my professor, as a means of a thank you of my service, is sending me to a conference in Italy. Having never left the Americas, I am excited to see what Italy has to offer. I was accepted into the conference and immediately began filing all of the necessary paperwork required by the university for international travel. A daunting and overwhelming experience to say the least, however, it was made easier by discussing this with some of the department staff who guided me through everything. They've been wonderfully supportive and I know I wouldn't have been able to sift through it all without them. 

I'm extending my stay in Italy and my girlfriend is meeting me there. Together, her and I are going to travel for about 2 weeks through several different European countries (with a guided tour group). The whole experience looks like it will be an exciting adventure, exhausting but exciting. I'm glad my adventure buddy will be with me for this. 

Lastly, and most recently, in filing for graduation the university reviews your academic history and sends a summary know as a Degree Audit Report (DAR). Last week I received my DAR and did not look closely at it; however last night I began reading it and saw that one category of my degree had not been fulfilled. Immediately I had to reread the statement and began scanning for an explanation. I searched through out the document and found nothing. I had my parents read it, they too found nothing. Checking the online requirements I found that some of my classes may not have counted. My heart sank and I felt sick. I started recalculating everything trying to see where I've fallen short. In one attempt, I figured that I was about 2 units short. I felt even more ill and began to wonder how, between now and this PhD program, I would be able to fulfill this requirement. Questions like "when would I get this done?", "If you don't get your master's, will the PhD program rescind their offer?" and "how could I've let this happen?" began to fill my head. I spent another hour or so trying to identify what may be preventing my graduation. I finally fell asleep, but awoke this morning remembering the terror of the night before. I got myself into the lab and contacted some personel on campus. Much to my surprise, and my pleasure, it was simply that my "thesis units" have not been assigned a grade. My panic was over nothing and I spent the time worrying needlessly. Anticlimactic, I know, but I finally felt like I could breathe this morning and now can focus, once again on my edits for my thesis.

In less than a week from today...I will have defended my thesis, I will be in the final stages of graduation, and I will let nothing...not even my own procrastination attempts, stand in my way!!!

Onward and upward.

Wish me luck

Here Comes Crunch Time

The time left until my first rough draft of my thesis is due is quickly coming up and I've still got quite a lot to do. I'm currently holding at the 30 page mark and focussing my attention on reading articles that will be helpful for the introduction. So far, I'm 7 articles in and have about 40+ more to go. The current dead-line is the 11th of this month. So, I figure if I do nothing but read for the next several days and then spend a couple days writing, I could meet that goal. Of course, I still have to write a discussion section and finish off the results area...but those are minor details. The clock is ticking...

This past weekend, rather than working and stressing on my thesis, was spent celebrating my 3 year anniversary with my girlfriend. It was a wonderful get away and was very much needed. We did nothing but relax, have good food and lots of alcohol. I even scheduled us a couple's massage, so that helped with the stress of what was to come. The scenery was lovely and it made for quite a nice anniversary/valentine's day present.

Also, I've scheduled a meeting with my thesis committee for 1 week after my draft is due to my advisor. This is the prelude to a lab meeting I will have just 2 days after this talk (on a completely different subject). The following day (Feb 21st) I leave for my next interview. So, These next few days...things will be very close and the pressure is on.

On top of all of this, my birthday is coming up, as is valentine's day...so I have several evenings that will be spent with family and my girlfriend which means less time on the presentations. That isn't a bad thing, I mean, no one can work 24/7 on science...you'd just go insane. Well...Tesla could, but he was the exception.

I suppose I've procrastinated reading for long enough and I've fulfilled my requirement to myself of writing once a week.

Back again I go.

Someone wish me luck.

Feeling the Pressure

The whole process of moving onto the next chapter of my life is coming to a head and I feel the pressure.

My timescale of events is compacted and severely impacted. Everything is coming, like a 90mph fastball down home plate...the question is, can I hit it?

In three weeks I am supposed to turn in a rough draft of my thesis to my advisor. Three weeks...I am only 20+ pages in...have easily another 50-80 more to go and my time is rapidly dwindling.

I have a graduate school interview at the end of this week...a 2 day long interview and a day for travel, that eats up a lot of time. I've got a concert to see and a 3 day weekend get-away with my girlfriend for our 3 yr anniversary. I see all of the events I've committed myself to and I question why I painted myself into the corner I now find myself in.

Three weeks isn't a lot of time to finish this thing.

On top of it all, I have yet to hear back from the remaining 7 universities. I've looked at their websites and blogs to check for a date when they would be making their decisions known. One is tomorrow and the others are dispersed through out the next several weeks. The anticipation is slowly killing me and is highly distracting. These emails will decide where I spend the next 6+ years of my life; this process is brutal and I want it, so very badly, to be over. I know I have a wonderful support system telling me it will be okay; my parents and girlfriend could not be more supportive, but there is still a lot of doubt.

I know that only time will tell, and in these moments there is nothing to do but to do my best and be productive. Spend the energy I am wasting worrying on my writing or my final areas of research. That would be marvelously useful, and I will do my utmost to do just that.

At times like these...the ones fraught with stress, worry, and the ever present question "what will happen next?"...I reflect on the words from one of my favorite movies, Big Fish:

"I was thinking about death and all. About seeing how you're gonna die. I mean, on one hand, if dying was all you thought about, it could kind of screw you up. But it could kind of help you, couldn't it? Because you'd know that everything else you can survive."

I know that I'll survive it all...I would, I guess, just love to know...I guess I will soon enough.