You Don't Always Get What You Want

"But sometimes, you might just find, you get what you need."

It has now been several weeks since my last update, and there is a reason for that. I've been crazy with multiple things.

In the past 2 weeks I've been:

1) Working to create a presentation for my thesis
2) Ran a marathon (completed in 4hrs and 16 mins)
3) Finishing the experiments required for my thesis
4) Dealing with grad school rejections


Let's begin with number 1 shall we?

As with most labs, my PI (Principal Investigator) requires that all students present research and current data in the field. This is a beneficial exercise as it prepares us to speak infront of large groups about our research. This will hopefully prepare me for my thesis defense; however, I've been so busy with finishing the experiments for my thesis that I've had little to no time to prepare this presentation. So I'm currently working to put one together, due on Wednesday Evening, that will hopefully go well. My most recent attempt at this (presenting my data to my thesis committee) did not go well and I am hoping to do a better job here.

A week ago today I ran a marathon, my second one actually, and beat my time by 11 minutes. I'm very excited by this and slightly saddened. My goal, after last year's, was to beat my time by about 1 hr and complete the marathon in 3 hrs and 30 mins. Unfortunately, due to a few injuries that I sustained from running and lab work, I was unable to meet that goal. I had revised my attempt to be about 30 minutes faster and complete it in under 30 minutes. This was again stifled by working on my thesis; I took about 2 weeks off from running to complete my thesis and as such, my attempt was hampered. I am, never the less, still impressed with my ability to shave off the time that I did. The weekend of the marathon was fantastic; I got to spend some time with my parents and girlfriend, the three people who make me happiest, and got some time away from the lab. I enjoyed the experience and will be sad that I wont be around next year for it (because I will be off getting my PhD in a different area).

The past few weeks have been filled with failed experiments and head scratchers. I've worked, tirelessly, to find the answers to the questions my thesis seeks; however, it has been to no avail. It would appear, that there may have been a reason for this, and my own anal retentiveness was hindering my progress. If only I were more lazy, I may have gotten better results sooner. In attempting to "post-mordem" my results with my PI, we came to the conclusion that this was the case and as such, I shall attempt to salvage some of the data. If this works, and it is a BIG "if", then I'll be rather excited and shall be that much closer to a publication.

My second interview resulted in my being "wait-listed." I am disappointed to say the least. My "backup" school has now become the school that it appears I shall be attending for my PhD. That is not to say it is a bad school; it offers a wonderful curriculum, stipend, and amazing faculty. It just limits my access to the faculty who practice the research that I wish to work with. I am disappointed in myself, I suppose, because this shows that in those 15 minutes that I had with my interviewers, I wasn't "that good." Perhaps I could have done something differently... I don't know. I guess there is not much to do about it at this point. I could spend hours and days reliving what I could or should have done differently, but it wont change things.

And so, it looks like my ever supportive girlfriend and I shall be moving. We'll be off on a grand grad adventure and I couldn't think of anyone else I'd rather do this with than her. She's been so supportive through this whole process.

So what now? Well...now I guess I need to find an apartment, finish my thesis and enjoy my summer.

More updates to follow

Out of this moment of failure, I've found direction. I have a place to go to. It is certain, and I'll have my best friend there with me through it all. It is an awfully big adventure to have. But one that I can share.


I'm excited and terrified.

Let's see what this next week has to offer

The Last Interview?

My last scheduled interview is now over and I must say, I have a mixed set of emotions about the whole experience. I spent Thursday morning traveling and arrived to my destination at 11am; making the most of the time, I unpacked, ironed and caught a quick nap. I awoke starving and made my way down to the lobby to have a quick bite to eat. Eating quickly, I found that I had quit a large amount of time and so I decided to go explore the campus. I walked around for a while, taking pictures and looking at all of the nature surrounding me. It really was quite beautiful there. Several of my friends attend this school and I had plans on the first and second nights to meet them for drinks. Friend "A" called me early and asked if I was already on campus because he had a break; the two of us met up and he showed me his lab as well as around campus. I saw the undergraduates in their natural environment; something quite fun to observe. It was great catching up with him and we planned to meet later for drinks after he was done teaching. I returned to my hotel to read about the professors who I may be meeting with and then grabbed dinner. Having not much to do, I returned to my room and watched a few movies. After drinks with my friend, I figured I would call it a night and that is when my roommate showed up. He was a nice enough guy; he introduced himself and we exchanged pleasantries as he ironed his clothes in preparation for the next day. As soon as he was done, we both called it a night.

The first day of the actual interview was quite rapid. There were several faculty presentations where everything was discussed; from the funding the school receives to the requirements of the students. The faculty then gave a few presentations about their work (lasting several hours). We then were ushered to another building and here 3 more presentations were delivered where the facilities and associated businesses were reviewed. Finally we broke for lunch at 11 and it was at this time other graduate students from the program joined us. It was an excellent time to get to discuss labs and professors with them in an attempt to get their opinions. After lunch we had 2-15 minute interviews; 1 interview involved 3 professors and the other consisted of 3 graduate students. These interviews were conducted in a pannel like form and all asked similar questions. They were:

1) Discuss your current research
2) Why Immunology?
3) Why this school?
4) What do you like to do beyond science?

The other professors of course asked more questions than that and some were definitely more probing. I found the way that I was asked some of questions (i.e. tone or structure) to be mildly off-putting. I was hoping to meet with some of the professors on a one-on-one basis but that didn't seem to happen. After the interviews we were taken on several tours and then shuttled to a professor's house for dinner. Here we talked with more grad students and faculty. Again, I was hoping the faculty whose research I am interested would be present, but alas, they did not show. I returned back to my hotel room around 8 and my other friends took me to downtown to have a few beers and discuss the whole process. It was great seeing them and I gained some wonderful insight into how their university conducts the process.

The second day was much more brief; we began by having breakfast and heard several short lectures from professors about their work. There was then a student poster session, followed by 2 short talks from students about their work. Finally, a winner of the research was awarded, and the program director thanked all those who helped in the planning of the recruitment event. We were then set to have lunch when I got pulled for one more interview by one of the faculty who originally reviewed my application. She again asked almost the identical questions as before. My roommate and I were the only two to have such an experience and it left me wondering why? Of the number of applicants who attended, I have been lead to believe that about 50% of us will be offered admittance. So the question remains in my mind "Was this a good thing to have this additional interview? Was it because they were on the fence about us and they wanted to know more?" I don't know...I hope it went well. I guess we'll see soon.

Now back to the lab to finish experiments and data counting so I can finish, officially, my thesis.

Feeling the Pressure

The whole process of moving onto the next chapter of my life is coming to a head and I feel the pressure.

My timescale of events is compacted and severely impacted. Everything is coming, like a 90mph fastball down home plate...the question is, can I hit it?

In three weeks I am supposed to turn in a rough draft of my thesis to my advisor. Three weeks...I am only 20+ pages in...have easily another 50-80 more to go and my time is rapidly dwindling.

I have a graduate school interview at the end of this week...a 2 day long interview and a day for travel, that eats up a lot of time. I've got a concert to see and a 3 day weekend get-away with my girlfriend for our 3 yr anniversary. I see all of the events I've committed myself to and I question why I painted myself into the corner I now find myself in.

Three weeks isn't a lot of time to finish this thing.

On top of it all, I have yet to hear back from the remaining 7 universities. I've looked at their websites and blogs to check for a date when they would be making their decisions known. One is tomorrow and the others are dispersed through out the next several weeks. The anticipation is slowly killing me and is highly distracting. These emails will decide where I spend the next 6+ years of my life; this process is brutal and I want it, so very badly, to be over. I know I have a wonderful support system telling me it will be okay; my parents and girlfriend could not be more supportive, but there is still a lot of doubt.

I know that only time will tell, and in these moments there is nothing to do but to do my best and be productive. Spend the energy I am wasting worrying on my writing or my final areas of research. That would be marvelously useful, and I will do my utmost to do just that.

At times like these...the ones fraught with stress, worry, and the ever present question "what will happen next?"...I reflect on the words from one of my favorite movies, Big Fish:

"I was thinking about death and all. About seeing how you're gonna die. I mean, on one hand, if dying was all you thought about, it could kind of screw you up. But it could kind of help you, couldn't it? Because you'd know that everything else you can survive."

I know that I'll survive it all...I would, I guess, just love to know...I guess I will soon enough.