In the end it will all be ok

"In the end it will all be okay, if it is not okay, it is not yet the end."

This seems to be the mantra of every grad student.

No seriously.

Everyone seems panicked and trying to find a way to calm themselves down. It is a good quote and luckily it is true. There seem to be a myriad of things that really do bring a student to complete insanity and it is a wonder more of us aren't more screwed up than we are. I mean, who would do what we do for the pay we earn and still think we're "okay"?

Seriously, there seem to be a never ending series of demands placed on our time. There are seminars we have to attend weekly or biweekly. We have classes where we are required to read anywhere from 2-6 papers (primary science journal articles...if you've not read one, I encourage you to try...it takes quite a lot of energy, focus and pure will power to get through them) per class per week (say we take the average of 4 papers and 3 classes and a 10 week quarter, that roughly adds up to about 120 papers...if each paper requires a minimum of 2 hrs to get through that is 420 hours a week at minimum) and we have to plan/execute our experiments. We also have to worry about our funding and writing grants, constantly wondering if grants will get renewed or if we'll have to teach..."what if our PI doesn't get tenure? What if they get a better offer decide to move? Do we have to go to? Will we have to start over again with someone new?" Oh, and on top of it all we are also required to keep an overall 3.2 gpa during this whole process as well. So if we factor in a social/romantic/family life...really there is not much time left for things like cleaning/cooking/sleeping.

They say that there are mental health professionals available exclusively to graduate students, which is great and I can see a need for them. There is a tremendous amount of pressure that we are under and I know a few of my colleagues have sought out there help. Unfortunately, from what they've said...these "professionals" are of little use. They basically instruct my friends to "suck it up" and "find a way to deal" with everything. Great advice...why didn't they think of that?

I do see though that everything does turn out okay. Grants get funded (sometimes just sneaking in). I've seen other PI's get private funding at the last minute. I've seen us all panic before exams only to come out the other side with A's and B's. Each time we hold our breaths a little longer, stress a little more and question what we're doing but everything does turn out fine.

I'm a year away from taking my qualifying exams. I have to start prepping soon. By the end, I'll have to know a textbook backward and forward. Know every aspect of my project and a majority of an "outside" subject that I've yet to select. I see how scared some people look at the idea of even attempting this. But the truth is... I know that by the time I'll be in front of my exam committee, I'll be ready, as will the rest of my cohort. I recall being an undergrad and seeing the Master's students write their theses and thinking to myself "there is no way I could write a book. And that's why I'll never do a Master's or a PhD. I mean, who can talk about science THAT much?!" But it turns out, by the time you get there, you'll be ready to do it. You don't even realize that you are. It sort of happens. You get trained by great professors (if you've chosen wisely) and you work hard for them. It is a total Karate Kid kind of thing. You get Miyagi-ed.

With all of the "wax-on", "wax-off" and "paint the fence"...you learn what you need to know and you can stand before a committee of professors, your peers, and professors that have become your peers...and be able to defend your work.

And for all the worrying that goes on...really, it turns out okay.

So is my message "don't worry"? no... no it is not.

If you're not scared, you're not doing it right. You should be terrified. But everyone needs to remember that the worry will make you better and you'll be okay in the end.

To modify a great quote:

Just keep pipetting, just keep pipetting...just keep pipetting pipetting pipetting. What do we do? We pipette

Till next time. Keep pipetting

Planning for Spontaneity

I am a planner.

I plan things. I'm generally not one who leaves much to chance; well, the best I can. I realize the irony of becoming a scientist and not liking surprises. I mean, who does that? To loosely quote M. Cartmill, "This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls."

Scientists are planners, we even plan for failure. We plan what experiments we will do next if the one we are running fails, what parameters to change or what other ways a problem can be studied. It comes with the job, which is why, I think, I make a pretty damn good scientist.

But I really do want to be spontaneous. I watch movies and I see these adults take off, in the middle of the night, or the middle of a work day, to go on some crazy adventure. They never seem to have a worry or care about what will happen if they don't come back on time, or if they don't meet their goals. Maybe that is just all part of Hollywood.

But maybe not. Maybe that has to do with being more free spirited than I allow myself to be.
I do plan to be spontaneous, an oxymoron, I know.

I think about being spontaneous, and when I may do something spontaneous. Really, that just turns into planning. Take for example, spending time with my girlfriend. Sometimes we'll go grocery shopping together and I'll buy her flowers while we're there, a premeditated act to say the least. Generally I know what kind of flowers the market stocks and I keep an eye out for them. The plan to buy her flowers has already been something I've been thinking of for a while and so, since the opportunity presented itself, I decide to act on a thought that I've been having. It seems like we've just passed some flowers and I buy them....but I've been thinking about it for days.

Even now, I'm sitting in my lab, trying to get some work done and I think about taking off on an adventure. Driving to my girlfriend's house, picking her up and going to listen to the sounds of the ocean waves as they crash on the beach. But I stop myself...all I can think of is "You could do that, but it will take 30 minutes to get there, and then how long will you stay? It's already late...she has work in the morning and you have lab work. Best to save that for another time." And so I stay to work...but my bigger question is "WHAT OTHER TIME?!"

How do I stop myself from doing this? Is there some sort of release from this that I am unaware of?

I'm not sure, but I do know that sometimes I wish I could just not plan...just go with the flow and let everything sort itself out. Some people go their whole lives that way and seem completely happy. I know I don't want that much spontaneity, that would drive me insane. But a bit wouldn't be the end of the world.


I guess it boils down, simply, to my being jealous of people who aren't planners. Maybe a side of me that questions science and wants something "less sure."

I think it is just a case of the grass always being greener.

I did spontaneously start writing...I know, I know, a regular wild guy over here

Whatever...
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