'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane

Tomorrow, at this time, I'll be in the sky. Less than 24 hours from now I begin my journey to Italy for a conference. I'm packed (baring a few last toiletries) and ready to go.

I'm definitely nervous about the whole thing. I've traveled on my own before, but this will be the longest trip I've ever been on (3 weeks out of the country), the farthest from home I've ever been, and I will be (for a majority of the trip) in countries where I do not speak the native language. I think that these are fair reasons to be pensive about the experience.

Tomorrow I will begin an arduous journey, taking 3 flights to reach my destination. Once in Italy, I will take a 1.5hr bus to get to my hotel from the airport (hopefully I'll make it through customs in time and wont be late).  I know that I'll feel better once I'm actually at the conference; I'll be there for a week and I feel that it will allow me the opportunity to relax and gain my bearings before the next leg of my trip.

At the conclusion of the conference, I'm again taking a bus back to the airport, but this time it is to meet my girlfriend. We'll have two days in Italy before we need to join our tour group and again once I've joined the tour group, I think both my girlfriend and I will be able to breathe a bit easier because we wont be "in charge."

At the conclusion of this trip, I will have been through 6 countries in total (this includes 1 layover I have...I think any time you set foot on soil, it counts as having been in the country...so I'm including it!).  My parents, for a graduation present, bought me an amazing camera that I'm going to be taking with me on this trip, so I hope to have some great pictures of all the places I visit.

I did graduate this past Tuesday; it was really anticlimactic and the speeches were horrid. As I sat there listening to the "words of wisdom" being offered by the dean of the college, the president of the university and a member of the alumni association, I felt...annoyed at best. I actually felt bad that my parents and girlfriend took time off of work to sit through that. Not everyone is an amazing orator, and I know that, but you would think that these people (all of whom have higher level degrees) could have prepared something a little more...inspirational. The member of the alumni association was vapid at best. Every time he spoke, he said things like "I know how awesome my titles make me sound." I grew weary of him and the crowd. Also, it was anticlimactic because I still have so much work left to do. It will take me quite a while to finish it and I dont really feel like I'm "done."

This trip is a much needed vacation...it will help hit the "reset" button on my outlook toward research and toward my new program. I'm excited for it.

I don't think I'll be updating this (unless there is frequent and free wifi...though I doubt it) for about 3 weeks. I'll post pictures when I'm back and review the trip.

Here is to safe travels, good food and memories that will last my lifetime

"Travel, in the younger sort, is a part of education; in the elder, a part of experience."
-Francis Bacon 

Somethings come and go

10 days from now I leave the country. For the first time in my adult life, I'll be traveling abroad unaccompanied. I wont admit it to most people if they ask it, but I will say it here, I am nervous and a little scared. Not that there is anything wrong with being nervous or scared of travel, but I know that my being worried will make others worry. So I'm trying my best to keep everything together. 10 days from right this very moment, I'll be mid flight. I realize I'm going to several foreign countries where I don't speak the language; I'll be out of my element and have no one near me to rely on for more than a week (my girlfriend will be joining me at the end of my conference). I am excited about the prospect of seeing wonderful new sites, trying new foods, seeing a part of the world that I've never seen before, but there is still so much to do and so much to prepare before I leave. Where I know it will all get done, I can't help but worry about it. 

This trip will come and go, and I will have some wonderful memories... some great pictures and a few months left at home before I move to start my PhD program. The next few months will have a bit of work left in the lab to finish, but it will be confined and will be the last bit of physical work I do in this lab. For years to come I will have papers that I will co-author, but these experiments will be my last. It is time for a new project, a new school, a new life. This chapter has come and gone, 8 years on this campus (5 for an BS in Cellular Molecular Biology and 3 for a Master's in Biochemistry) and I feel... apathetic about it. Sure there were great times had, but I know that I'm not done yet and I know what lay before me. I also think about all the others that have come before me, how many will come after, and I can't help but think how inconsequential my efforts seem. I'm not marginalizing my work, it is important, important to me, important to my boss, important to the field I'm studying... I am merely saying that so many people graduate with my same degree every year... what makes mine so special? I have a hard time with that. A lot of people want me to celebrate the culmination of my efforts, to have a party and have people congratulate me and I don't want that. For all of thee above, I don't. People keep telling me it's a big deal, but it doesn't feel like it and I don't feel like I should be celebrating it. 

Some people also come and go. To quote a 1999 graduation speech "Friends come and go, but with a precious few, you should hold on." Some friends do come and go and I've held on to the ones that mean the most to me. I talk with them frequently, we chat on the phone or text... facebook does help keep everyone abreast of current news in each other's life. Some times, when friends go, it is because of a fight, sometimes people grow apart and sometimes, time happens. What is more painful is when family goes, not because of a death but because of a fight or because you've all grown apart. In the last decade of my life, I've seen fights destroy both sides of my family. Where I was not a part of any particular argument, I still lost family. It hurts knowing that you've personally done nothing wrong and the people who've watched you grow, helped raise you and teach you are no longer in your life. It would be foolish of me to say that I felt alone or victimized; in truth, both sides of the family had tried to contact me post argument. I will say though, that the manner of contact and the things being said led me to feel as if they were attempting to manipulate me into having a relationship with them and so I declined their company. Several years later, I just don't care anymore. I want nothing from them other than to be left alone and so, I've taken steps to cover what I can so that when I leave for my PhD, they will have no way of contacting me. The family I'm keeping, I am choosing to keep. They say you can't pick your family, we'll... that's not really true; my friends have treated me better than my family, my friends are my family. They say the absence of love is not hate, it is indifference. As I write this, I recount the pain they caused, but toward them I am indifferent. They came and left.

Life is changing fast, big things are happening. I feel like this trip is giving me a chance to rest up a bit and the PhD program is giving me the chance to start fresh. 

"Some think it's holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it's letting go." - Sylvia Robinson

Complexity, Beauty, Simplicity

There are so many things I want to post here but I feel like each thing really deserves its own post. I suppose I'll just do some subheadings and split it up. 

Thesis

Yesterday I got the final word that my thesis committee members had no final changes to make to my thesis. As you can imagine, I was thrilled. I uploaded my thesis to the electronic thesis/dissertation website and immediate obtained the physical signatures of my committee on the "signature page". This was then turned in to the Graduate Studies office. As I walked back from the office to my lab, I couldn't help but smile. For the brief walk between office and lab, the air smelled cleaner than ever, the sun showed through the clouds just for me and all was right with the world...just for that moment. That moment was mine. 

I currently am waiting for the "digital" signature of just one member...but that is what stands between me and my degree. This one little click of a button. The deadline for acceptance is the 10th of this month, so in less than 3 days; I have to say, I am antsy. I'm doing my best not to bang down the door of this last professor and ask them what the hell they are waiting for. There are politics everywhere and I know I need to be polite. 

This morning, I took my thesis to be printed at a nearby FedEx/Kinkos. The university requires a very special kind of paper (100% cotton, acid free, water marked) to be used. I bought 500 sheets of this paper about 3 weeks ago now (costing about $40.00). As many of my figures are in color, I had Kinko's print it in color so that all of the figures may be seen in the way I intended them to be; the cost was $0.59/page. I need 4 copies of my thesis which consists of 98 pages in total ($231.28 before tax) which then has to be sent to a binding company ($15.00 to ship to the company) which costs $25.00 to bind a single copy ($100.00). This whole process is horribly expensive, I mean...at this point, I'll pay whatever anyone needs me to pay just to make the thing end, but this is getting a bit out of hand. 

Graduate School

This last weekened (Friday night) my girlfriend and I drove to visit the surrounding area and find apartments. I left campus at 4:40 pm, picked her up at 5:10 pm and we drove till 12:40 am, when we reached a "nearby" city where her friends live. We slept on their pullout couch until 7:00 am, when we got up and drove another hour and a half to get to my future campus. We spent the day searching, meeting with people, asking questions. The last stop of the day, we found this apartment which was really just perfect. In the lobby area, they have carmel popcorn constantly popping and Wednesday's is hotdog day (though I'm a vegetarian, as a former meat eater, I think this is a cool concept). The apartment itself is 920 square feet. It has 2 beds, 1 bathroom, a nice sized kitchen and comes with a washer and dryer. The apartment covers the water bill too. We left the apartment complex to return back to our friend's place and the whole way back, I couldn't help but think of how amazing this complex was. I wanted to apply right there, but knew I should sleep on it, not make any rash decisions. Sunday we drove back home, leaving the area around 10ish am. It took another 7 hours for me to get back to my front door. In total, I drove over 1,000 miles this past weekend; to say that I'm exhausted after such an event would be an understatement. 

While driving back, my girlfriend stumbled upon the reviews of this apartment complex and they were less than complimentary, which I know bothered her (I know because she told me it did). It definitely took the wind out of my sails, but as we looked at the reviews of other places, they all seem to say the same kinds of things. Despite the bad reviews, I was content to apply, but my girlfriend needed more time; in general she tends to take a while to pick something and also isn't a big fan of change, so I was trying to be as patient as possible, but also not wanting to wait too long as we are not far from going on a trip to Europe. I want this whole thing sown up and ready to go before we leave, so there really isn't much time.

Just prior to my starting this update, I submitted my first apartment application. I have a mix of emotions about this really; I'm scared, excited, nervous...to name a few. Having been research assistant for the last several years (being paid to get my Masters while I live at home) I've had the opportunity to save a lot of money, but when you consider my tax info, it doesn't look like I currently make that much; however, I am getting accepted to a PhD program with a hefty stipend, so with my stipend and my girlfriend's income, we should make enough to cover rent two times over. I'm nervous because I've never lived away from home, I've never lived with anyone and I'm really hoping we get this place. I hope this place will take us and treat us well. Obviously, I'm excited for several reasons, I can't wait to move in with my girlfriend and this place looks like it will be great.

Amendment to "Thoughts on the Universe"

As I sat in the dense of another graduate student's thesis, I began once again contemplating the origins of the universe. I was trying to resolve the known theories of its beginnings, unify what I know of multiverse theory and string theory. I was trying to understand what happened to the antimatter that had to have been generated at the beginning moments and answer the question "what is the universe contained in?" For those unfamiliar with these concepts I'll briefly try to provide a background; however, multiverse and string theories, you can look up on your own because they're too long to explain here. As for antimatter, we know that for every particle of matter that exists an opposite particle with opposite charges and opposite spins. When antimatter and matter come in contact, they cancel each other out in a violent manner. During the big bang, it is hypothesized that a large amount of antimatter was generated due to several different circumstances, however, none is left/detectable. Additionally, there is this idea that the universe is contained in something. For those, uninitiated, a vacuum can only be exist in a sealed contained system. In order to maintain this, the universe would have to be contained in something, but how could this be if it is ever expanding? Further, what lies beyond the limits of the universe? What exists in that nothingness? 

My mind was attempting to answer these questions, and then something clicked. What if the universe is like pacman? 

Stay with me here... if you go too far left, you end up back at the right side of the screen and vise-versa. As you progress through the levels, there are other escapes that lead back to the same thing. I began contemplating this, what if the edge of the universe is simply contained in itself? What if it loops back around and the two edges just meet and that is what lies beyond the universe...our universe. I began to twist the images of the known universe in my head and I found the best way to resolve it was to use this 

The Möbius strip is becoming my model to explain the universe. 

At the moment of genesis, there was a large amount of antimatter made, if so, then the antimatter would have come in contact with overlaying Möbius strips, thus annihilating a nearby parallel universe. Further, when one universe expands, it causes another to contract as they are overlaid upon one another and lastly, the universe as we know may contain within it the other known universes in this manner. Each side of the universe is twisted and connected with the opposite side. Each seam would, at its connecting point be expanding, giving rise to the apparent growth and thus, we would be unable to observe what is beyond the universe because, simply, there is no beyond. This infinite loop holds all that is, was and can be along with being connected to parallel forms of itself; when one collapses in on itself, all the matter that was used for its genesis is compacted into on area and thus has the capacity to start again. Similarly, these universes collapse because a universe is growing and has no place else to go, causing the weaker universe to retreat inward. As the collapsed universe is under a tremendous amount of pressure, it eventually will explode with matter and antimatter repeating the process.