The Cost That No One Talks About

I read a few articles not long after having started my PhD that laid out the costs of obtaining a degree in higher education (see blogs Slate and  Quartz). While I personally found many of the statements true, the emotional cost that it spoke of, did not directly speak to me. It mentioned that many people become depressed, suicidal, emotionally unstable, and either act on it or leave the program. I say this as a preface for the things that have all been happening within the last few months that I have not taken the time to update here. I haven't because, dealing with it in person has been taxing and the idea of rehashing it, as it is all happening around me, was too much.

An important piece of information is that statistically, the attrition rate at the PhD level is roughly 50%. While my cohort originally started with six (five first year students and one vet-med dual degree PhD) we are now down to three. Two of those left because they realized that they weren't doing the thing that made them happy, or that a PhD wasn't for them and opted to cut their losses. One came into the program with a lot of emotional baggage and during our second year was hospitalized for depression and alcoholism; as such, they have been quietly asked to leave the program, given a year to get their life together, and may be given the opportunity to return. My class is pretty much batting average.

The class below me, the current 2nd years, are wrapping up their last bit of class work and are soon to be taking their qualifying exams. They too are a class of 6 and have already begun seeing that people will leave. One of their cohort, a friend of mine, has struggled with handling intra-lab politics, as well as interactions with her boss. While no mentor-mentee relationship is perfect, theirs is/was a sordid mess. Her boss is someone whom I have a very strong distaste for, I have said I will never work with again, and I can only imagine what being in her lab would be like. The boss is a vile venomous person and I cannot think of a nice thing to say. As such, the kind of vitriol that spewed forth from her mouth and toward my friend has left a potential lethal wound. Recently, my friend was in the hospital for reasons not disclosed to any beyond a select few. Having some deductive reasoning skills of my own, along with a contextual understanding, I believe she was there due to a worry of inflicting self harm. Two weeks ago, her lab members were reckless and did something that put lives at risk. For my friend, this was the last straw. She has decided to leave the program until September and quite frankly, I really don't think she will return. The statement itself is awful because she has a brilliant mind and could do wonderfully given the right mentorship but I don't think she had that opportunity.

The combination of those now gone from my cohort and the new absence has others talking. It has the current second years questioning who will be the next to go, to throw in the towel and walk away. And truthfully, it isn't just the second years talking either, the first years are watching and they are all a bit scared. Several of them have talked about being nervous that they won't make it through. Made jokes about hoping that it won't be them next to leave. It is in the program's best interest to have a lower rate of attrition but how do we accomplish that? How do we reshape this culture of cruel behavior? It isn't in the interest of academia to raise a bunch of softies who can't take a punch (by which I mean who can't compete for grant funding, who can't defend their work, who can't take constructive criticism) but that isn't all what is happening here.

I see that there needs to be a culture change but of the three of my cohort remaining, I'm the only active participant in program activities. The dual-degree has a year left before her return to vet-school and as such has been under the wire to publish and produce as much data as possible, leaving little to no time for anything else. The other student works at a lab on part of our satellite campus and he is, from what I've heard, struggling. While this student did pass his qualifying exam, he has been struggling to maintain consistent progress and may not make it through the program. So of the six of us, I may be the last one standing. That is a huge undertaking for one person and in the interest of self preservation and success I honestly just want to finish my work so that I can graduate.

Lastly, a lab member of mine has recently had a lot of health issues. In trying to identify what is the source of the illness, he has undergone a myriad of tests, the results came back inconclusive but pointing to one of several diseases that may leave him wheelchair bound or dead within the next 5 years. This news was shocking and surprising, and he took me into his confidence for two main reasons: 1) if anything should happen to him while working, he wanted someone to know what to tell EMS, and 2) to have someone to talk about and confide in. This has obviously raised a lot of questions for him about what to do next. I mean, if someone told you that the clock is ticking and in 5 years you wouldn't be here anymore, what would you do? Would you keep working? The problem is, he doesn't have a timeline yet, there are still so many tests left to be done to narrow down the cause of his symptoms and questions left unanswered. It could be something that kills him in 5 or 30 years. That's a big difference and one that would make a lot of choices easier or more difficult...but he still needs more information. As that has been unfolding, I have been a sounding board, absorbing the information he has so far, offering comfort where I can, and proffering advice when asked. I can't empathize with him because that isn't a situation I've ever been in nor can I fully grasp (and I doubt anyone could unless they too received that kind of news).

For these students, doing a PhD has caused their worlds to come crumbling down around them. Their health has declined, by which I mean both physical and mental. Their support systems aren't there, and those of us who can identify and support them are too wrapped up in our own work to really offer the kind of help they all need. Doing a PhD isn't easy, no one ever said it was, but until recently, people haven't spoken about the true health cost of getting one and it needs to be voiced. It is only when we give it a voice that I think we'll be able to tackle the conversation of how to change the culture so that this kind of emotional damage isn't inflicted upon the students. There is a high cost to this degree and for some, they do pay with their lives...that price is too high and no one should have to pay it.

Stereotypes in and out of Science

I was raised by loving parents who faced a lot of backlash from their family because they loved each other. While their skin tones were the same, one came from a strictly Sephardic Jewish background while the other came from a more ethnically diverse Christian one. They saw their relationship as being between just them and it shouldn't have any bearing on what family members may think or feel. I was raised by these two loving people and told that the most important thing was to find someone who loved me for me, man or woman, black or white, it didn't matter, just as long as they treated me well. From those loving foundations, I've grown into a person that believes "you must give respect to get it" and "If you're nice to me, I'll be nice to you."
That being said, I'm tired of being stereotyped. Yes, I am white, yes I am a male. These two things combined often leave people saying "oh poor you, the life of a white male is so hard" or "white male privilege must be tough." To be honest, I recognize the privilege that does come with my gender and skin colour. I am fully cognizant of it. But I am tired of being blamed for the woes of the world because of it. I personally have not oppressed people, nor has any member of my family for as far back as I can find. I've had conflicts with people of different backgrounds because they assume all white people to be the same. They assume that my skin colour automatically makes me a bigot, that I'm judging them.
One such recent case was that of one of my lab members. She is a woman of Vietnamese descent and said to me recently that so many female asian scientists are treated poorly/ thought less of by their white male counterparts. She went on to say that "[I am] lucky to know [her] and that the only reason [I] am as nice or treated her as equally was because of knowing [her]." Because how could I possibly even be a decent human to another without having met her? How could I see past my white male privilege eyes, had she not been here to help me?  I found the comment highly inflammatory and took it as an insult. I conveyed as much to her and spoke to her of her own prejudices to which she admitted having.
Yes men historically are the aggressors, yes men are responsible for a great deal of the tragedies that can be seen and or studied in our history, and yes these men are predominantly and disproportionately white. But, that does not make all white men responsible. I'm tired of it being assumed that I look down upon people simply because of my background. I've been told that people think that I think that I'm better than others and that simply isn't true. I've been told that people see me as arrogant and overly self-confident, also not true. I've been told that people think that I don't think people from english as a second language backgrounds aren't as intelligent, and again that is simply not true. I don't know where these thoughts derive from, but had the people simply gotten to know me, they would see that I'm not that person. I've been a vocal advocate for equality, by which I mean not just for women but for people of different sexual preferences, gender identities, races, or creeds. I've defended the idea that racial profiling isn't okay because you can't treat one member of one group as being responsible for the actions of those that would seek to cause hate, anger, or violence. But where are my champions? Where are my advocates?
All around me are people from different backgrounds celebrating a month designated for their history or their gender and that's fine. When we look to the books, what we consider history, globally, has been dictated by white males. As such, white males have ruined our ability to publicly celebrate our race or our gender...and that's okay. But again, I'm tired having my face rubbed in the atrocities of people that I haven't ever actually been related to much less associated with. I'm tired of being told I should apologize for who I am or what color skin I was born with. When I point out the blatant racism in this thinking, I'm told that it isn't racism, that it is the other races and genders standing up for themselves. But really, when you belittle or hold prejudices against others for the color of their skin, it still is racism. It isn't my fault that these things were done, nor was it the fault of my ancestors, and I'm truly getting tired of having to defend that to each and every person who judges.

I could quit right now and no one would blame you

There are days, and lately an ever increasing number, where I think "Well, that's fine. I could quit and that would be good enough. I mean, who would blame you? You've done more than most and it would be completely understandable." I keep contemplating it. I had the same thought the first time I ran a marathon. At 19 miles I was exhausted and thought for a long time, as I continued to trudge on, that I could quit and it would be ok. I mean, look at the distance I just traveled. 19 miles is nothing to sneeze at and maybe that's good enough. I wish I had a story about catching my second wind, about rallying, about the bigger goal. My only thought was that at this point, it wasn't just me who was invested in the choice I made to run this. It was everyone. My parents who got hotel rooms for us near the finish line so I would have a place to shower when I was done, my now fiance who waded through traffic and people to be there for me, and my boss who was ultimately the one to watch me cross the finish line and snag some photos of it. It wasn't just my time and money at that point, it was everyone else's too. At mile 19, how could I stop when everyone had invested in seeing me finish? I owed it to them as much as I owed it to myself to see it through. And when I crossed that line, the wave of emotion that washed over me was something I was unprepared for. It meant more to me that I thought it had and I think having that mental tug-of-war with myself during the actual event is also what added so much weight to the moment.

Here I am again, with the same thoughts and I am reminding myself that it is, once again, not just me that is invested in this journey. It is my now fiance, who has moved with me to make this possible. My parents who help with everything that they can, even being hundreds of miles away. It is my support system that have all helped me get to this point. And I feel like if I don't finish, if I don't dig in and complete this thing, I will have let more than just myself down. And That is something I cannot handle. I realize that it is okay to be selfish in life, if something isn't making you happy, then you should try and fix it or walk away. And I'm not unhappy, I'm just tired...of so many things, but tired none the less and walking away would be so easy if it were just me in this. But it isn't and because it isn't, it takes that option off the table for me. Good, bad, or indifferent, I know I have to trudge the rest of the 7.2 miles left of this journey. Truth be told, I'm more than half way and as much as I'd like to, I can't quit now.

Now is the time to dig in, bite down, and give the biggest Mufasa rawr I can muster. Now is the time where you have to want it more.
Now is the time.

Loyalty Above Else

Because I view loyalty and trust as two of the most precious commodities in existence, I find betrayal and two-faced behavior abhorring. While not going into the specifics, a professor sent in an "anonymous" tip to a regulatory agency about my lab. I wholeheartedly doubt that the professor herself saw the transgression, rather her students, thus leaving me to question the supposed friendship I once had with the students in the other lab. I'm not sure yet if there was malintent or not...truthfully, I doubt that I'll ever be able to find out if there was, but I can say that I trust all of them less now.

I'm frustrated by this entire event. Here I thought we were all a band of brothers, waging war on the unknown, standing hand-in-hand at the precipice of the edge, daring the world to ignore our data and our knowledge. I thought we had a kinship that united us, be it close or far, in our unanimous pursuit of the unknown. I guess I was wrong? I feel betrayed. I don't understand why someone wouldn't come to me, to my lab, to my boss and discuss any possible transgression so that we may address the issue in house, rather than taking it up the command chain. Why is that the first thing to do? Are we all such immature children that we can't acknowledge a lack of perfection and discuss potential remedies amongst ourselves? Must we always stay in this prepubescent stage of telling on one another and pointing out when someone has done something wrong? Why is this behavior ok? Why does it persist? More importantly, what does anyone gain from it? I have no answers, and I doubt I will ever. One more reason I prefer to not work with humans.

I am an eternal optimist and I've identified over time that my biggest fault, I feel, is that I immediately trust people. I trust them until they give me a reason not to trust them. As I can not go around asking each person in that lab who felt it necessary to go above our heads and report us, I feel I can trust none of them. Fuck this microaggression and these cat-and-mouse games. I'm done with them, I can be equally vindictive and malicious. I'll keep an everwatchful eye out for the next thing they do wrong and then I'll respond in kind. Watch your six...