A sigh of relief

The culmination of a 3 year body of work has been defended.
I can exhale now and smile as this huge weight has finally been lifted.

In the hours before my defense (yesterday 4/29/13 at 3:30pm) I was frantically reviewing my notes, practicing slides and trying my best to anticipate all of the questions that may be asked. Though my actual talk only consisted of 38 slides in total (taking 47 minutes to present) I had an additional 40 slides that could have been utilized had anyone asked some difficult questions. I had everything I could imagine listed there and was terrified that a hole in my knowledge would be exposed to the rest of the chemistry department; terrified that they would see, in this last stage of obtaining my master's, that I didn't really belong here.

The room slowly filled with family and friends as the hour drew nearer. I was nervous and excited. It was wonderful to see old friends, a former teacher from my high school and all of the other grad students who came to watch. The faculty slowly filed in, it seemed. The room was packed; normally, during a talk, a room may be 1/4 - 1/2 full. There was standing room only as the time drew nearer.

A professor introduced me and I began speaking. At first, the nervousness was almost unbearable, I was having a hard time remembering what I wanted to say and the way I wanted to say it. As I continued though the nerves subsided. Eventually it was, for the most part, exactly as I had practiced. I stumbled a few times in my speaking, but nothing that was too detrimental. At times I tuned in and out of my own speech. I was on "autopilot" speaking the way I had practiced it many times before alone in my room. About half way through I realized that this all was really happening, that I was in the middle of my defense and it was impressive how real and distant it all felt at the same time.

I looked out into the audience often and saw the faces of those that love me smiling back. It was comforting to see that they were there and happy to see my work. I also saw some very confused faces and it made me think to myself "Oh crap, I've lost these people, they're not following the logic." In truth, you do lose some of your audience as you talk, and I had figured I would. My thesis is a complex story with very difficult logic to follow; as my professor calls it "mental gymnastics."

When I concluded, I thanked the audience and opened the floor for questions. I was asked a few, but none that required the slides I had prepared. They were explanation questions of the slides I had presented; i.e. people wanted another look at a graph or didactic I had provided. Nothing was particularly challenging (with the exception of one theoretical question). I was slightly disappointed that I didn't get to show off the slides I had prepared but was thankful for the cursory level of questioning.

The audience slowly filed out of the room, most stopping to shake my hand and congratulate me. It was definitely a great moment. The only people that stayed behind were my committee members and, once the room was empty, reviewed some changes that needed to be made to my final draft of my thesis. There were no major suggestions or revisions, just some typographical things that needed changing...potentially a change in headings here or there.

Once this committee meeting had concluded we returned to my lab where we celebrated my defense. My professor has a 2 part ritual for such events; a speech and the popping of a cork. My professor gave one of the most touching and heartfelt speeches I've ever seen. She spoke about how long we've known each other, the level of dedication I have, and the person I've become. She began to tear up while talking; I fought back tears and so did she. I've spent 8 years on this campus, 6 of which have been in her lab. I was in one of the first classes she ever taught. Her and I have been through a lot together and it will be tough, for the both of us, to not see each other or work with one another. I'm going to miss this place.  At the conclusion of her speech, I hugged her tightly and said thank you. She then shook a bottle of champaign and I popped the cork in the lab ceiling; I then circled the area, signed and dated it. This honor is reserved only for grad students in the lab. It is a physical representation of the "mark" we've left on the lab.

After which we all talked and celebrated. Elation isn't a strong enough word.

As the after party died down, I changed into some street clothing and my girlfriend, parents and I headed to a baseball game to celebrate. Though the team didn't win, we still had a great time together. It was an amazing night.

I fell asleep last night faster than I have in a long time and awoke with a smile. Something I've not done in years. Now, I sit and make the revisions. I'm one step closer to the final version. One step closer to being done for good. I'm a Master's student...about to become a PhD student...

It is all so close and all so exciting

"Let's get down to business to defeat the" thesis... and those standing in the way of my graduating

There is so much to write about, so much has happened in the last few weeks that I've failed to post on here, the question is, where to begin? I suppose that I should start with the obvious. 

My thesis defense date is less than a week away. Next Monday I will be standing in front of friends, family and the entire Chemistry/Biochemistry department presenting the research I've been conducting over the past several years. Where this is nerve wracking, it isn't as terrifying as the Q&A session that immediately follows. Anything and everything is fair game and sometimes there is nothing you can do but say "I don't know" or "I don't have an answer for that." This, to me, is the worst thing a person can say up there; I mean, in all fairness, I would rather someone admit ignorance than try to proffer an explanation that has no reliable material. I, however, am doing my best to circumvent any potential questions by having more back-up slides with didactic and explanations than I have actual presentation slides. 

I gave a practice talk this last Monday with just my professor listening. It well fairly well; minor corrections and suggestions. She suggested my saying a few things differently, displaying things slightly differently and overall said I had made a huge improvement over the last time I presented it (2 weeks ago). My thesis talk is mostly scripted and memorized, leaving very little time for anything extemporaneous. The talk is supposed to be about 40-45 minutes in length, currently mine is about 47. So I am almost at that mark and I have some more modifications to make...but I'll get there.

Additionally on Monday, my professor gave me another round of revisions of my thesis. These corrections are definitely welcome as I would prefer that my final version is devoid of errors, incorrect information or formatting issues. That being said, she also mentioned to a member of my committee that I have a new version that I'm working on. Apparently said committee member has a lot on their plate and didn't appreciate the fact that I've got a new version of my thesis and have yet to hand it to her. This committee member addressed me yesterday (at a point where I had only been give approximately 24 hrs with this new version) asking for the version in a demanding tone and almost in an accusatory fashion; almost as if she had thought I simply was withholding the newest version out of spite. Having explained the little time I've had with it, she still demanded I hand it to her as soon as possible. I don't appreciate the intonation or the manner in which I was addressed...so...now I'm updating my blog. Score 1 for passive aggressive behavior.

I don't believe I've mentioned previously, but my professor, as a means of a thank you of my service, is sending me to a conference in Italy. Having never left the Americas, I am excited to see what Italy has to offer. I was accepted into the conference and immediately began filing all of the necessary paperwork required by the university for international travel. A daunting and overwhelming experience to say the least, however, it was made easier by discussing this with some of the department staff who guided me through everything. They've been wonderfully supportive and I know I wouldn't have been able to sift through it all without them. 

I'm extending my stay in Italy and my girlfriend is meeting me there. Together, her and I are going to travel for about 2 weeks through several different European countries (with a guided tour group). The whole experience looks like it will be an exciting adventure, exhausting but exciting. I'm glad my adventure buddy will be with me for this. 

Lastly, and most recently, in filing for graduation the university reviews your academic history and sends a summary know as a Degree Audit Report (DAR). Last week I received my DAR and did not look closely at it; however last night I began reading it and saw that one category of my degree had not been fulfilled. Immediately I had to reread the statement and began scanning for an explanation. I searched through out the document and found nothing. I had my parents read it, they too found nothing. Checking the online requirements I found that some of my classes may not have counted. My heart sank and I felt sick. I started recalculating everything trying to see where I've fallen short. In one attempt, I figured that I was about 2 units short. I felt even more ill and began to wonder how, between now and this PhD program, I would be able to fulfill this requirement. Questions like "when would I get this done?", "If you don't get your master's, will the PhD program rescind their offer?" and "how could I've let this happen?" began to fill my head. I spent another hour or so trying to identify what may be preventing my graduation. I finally fell asleep, but awoke this morning remembering the terror of the night before. I got myself into the lab and contacted some personel on campus. Much to my surprise, and my pleasure, it was simply that my "thesis units" have not been assigned a grade. My panic was over nothing and I spent the time worrying needlessly. Anticlimactic, I know, but I finally felt like I could breathe this morning and now can focus, once again on my edits for my thesis.

In less than a week from today...I will have defended my thesis, I will be in the final stages of graduation, and I will let nothing...not even my own procrastination attempts, stand in my way!!!

Onward and upward.

Wish me luck

"I'm in a glass case of emotion!"

This has been one of those crazy weeks; there have been ups, downs and everything in between.

On Sunday night, I pulled an all-nighter, working to complete my second round of revisions on my thesis. As I was doing this, I took a break to reflect upon what my options were for next year. Having only one confirmed acceptance, and having the deadline of April 15th rapidly approaching, I felt that I had no alternative but to sign the letter of acceptance. This meant that I would be moving out of state, to a place where I had no friends or family; I was scared to say the least, my parents were sad and though my girlfriend was being wonderfully supportive, I knew she didn't want to go. But I had to do what was best; so I signed my letter, scanned it and emailed it. My mom was visibly sad, crying at several points in the evening. I finished working on my thesis on Monday morning, having stopped to sleep between 2am and 6:30am, at 11:30am. I raced to campus where I turned it in to my professor and then returned home.

After a brief nap I spent the remainder of the day, and into the next morning, working on the slides I will use to present my thesis. Again, I stayed up working on them till about 2 and started again at 6:30am. I finished putting my slides together around 8am and did what I could to practice delivering my talk. I had a meeting with my advisor to practice these slides with her; I spoke for an hour and spent another 2 reviewing each slide and writing down revisions to them. The whole process was physically and mentally exhausting, but I got some great notes out of the experience and was grateful; these changes will make my talk go smoother and I will be more prepared for the kinds of questions I may be asked at the conclusion of my talk. 

Wednesday I spent the day working on an abstract that, hopefully, will get me sent to Italy at the conclusion of this semester for a week to present the data I've been working so hard to collect. After hours of revisions with my professor, we submitted the abstract. At the conclusion thereof, I paid for graduation, my cap and gown, and paid to have 3 copies of my thesis draft printed for my committee members (about $200 in all for everything). I spent the remainder of my day working on my slides again.

And then...well, and then yesterday happened. 

I entered my lab, again planning to devote most of the day to slide preparation. Early on in the morning I get a message from my best friend letting me know that him and his wife were in the hospital about to deliver their second child. (A brief background, we met in a class and became great friends. Later when he met his wife, I was asked to get ordained and officiate the wedding. He has included me in some pretty huge life events, including the birth of their daughter) This guy has become an older brother and I couldn't be happier or prouder of him. I'm excited for this new growing family. As I was patiently waiting by my phone for updates, I was also working on my slides. I took a brief break to have lunch and when I returned to my computer I had 3 emails. One of which was from the department chair of the school at which I had been wait listed with the subject "Good News."

Immediately, my heart began to race and I had to stop to read the email about 4 or 5 times. I wasn't really sure what I was reading was real. I snorted audibly at the situation. My professor, who was sitting behind me at a microscope heard and asked if I had sneezed. As I began to explain the email, she began celebrating and beaming with pride. My advisor is someone whom I've worked with for the last 6 years; she has become not just an advisor, but a mentor and one helluva friend. I know how excited she is for me and I feel very touched. I sent my family and girlfriend messages letting them know I would be attending my school of my choice. The news began to spread to friends and soon congratulations were coming in from every direction.

I feel like I just won the Lotto. I had just accepted the idea that I would be attending my backup school and settled on the idea. Now everything changed...In a heart beat. "In a New York minute" as the Eagles would say. It is amazing what one piece of information can do to your day. Everything seemed to flip up-sided down.

I couldn't be happier and cannot wait to start this new adventure. It will be in a place where I have plenty of friends, in addition to having my girlfriend with me. She'll have an opportunity to transfer positions (hopefully) to a financial institution which definitely helps with the financial issue of moving.

Now I just need to focus on the finish line.

Thesis defense date: April 29th

Thesis hardcopy due date: May 10th

Graduation date: May 21st

Meeting in Italy: May 25th

Here is to staying on task!

The Deadlines Approach

This will be a brief post as I really do have very little time lately.
I've been working diligently, the last week or so to make the needed corrections to my thesis; however, due to the large number of distractions present in the lab, I've found that I really am not making the necessary progress. I am hoping to have these done within the next few days as I also have to make quite a few corrections to my slides that will be used for my thesis defense. The defense itself is on the 29th of this month, a day that is rapidly approaching. Further, I am also approaching the point of no return with grad schools. My back-up school now appears, as I've mentioned previously, to be The school I will be attending; while I'm still not sure about being wait listed at the others, I will (in all likelihood) accept my current offer and, should the opportunity arrise to attend a different university, rescind my agreement and attend the other. This option is not one I'm fond of, however, it may be in my best interest.

Currently, I'm highly anxious, pensive and agitated  The number of corrections I have to make are extensive and time consuming. Some require more reading of primary literature while others require I construct figures to add to my paper. This is going to take quite a bit of time.

Wish me luck