More Work?

I've been back in the lab, post Qualifying Exam now, and the steam is starting to pick back up. The 3 weeks I took away from the lab to study for it weren't really 3 weeks away, but the main focus of my work had stopped. I've begun setting up experiments and getting plans together but since then, I've been added to another 2.5 projects bringing the total up to 5.5. On the one hand, I don't know that I mind that much because it should result in the publications I need to graduate, however, the boss still seems to expect that everything is being moved forward every week and while I've only been back in the lab for 4 weeks, I don't have too much data to show because my experiments take ~45 days to set up and execute. When I'm not working on my main projects, I'm also managing the lab for him (this includes: attending safety meetings, making sure others are trained and follow the safety standards, maintaining lab supplies, managing the lab "chore duty" schedule, making the reagents that we all use) with no additional pay bump (not that I've asked for one). I do see he is a bit more "lenient" with me than the other members, but I still can see the surprise on his face when I don't have "more data" for him from week to week in this past month. I'm not really sure what he is expecting or where else I can improve. It never seems to be good enough. I always get the fatherly disappointed face when I can't remember a paper we discussed over a year ago (journal, authors, year published, main factoid of the paper) which is...exhausting and exasperating. I feel like he has forgotten what it was to be a grad student, or maybe just that his expectations are too high, or maybe a combination of factors but I do know that he pushes us pretty hard with little to no acknowledgement of the times we do perform or do succeed and it gets old.
I'm just starting my 3rd year and I feel like the next 2yrs that I have left are going to be nothing short of brutal. Buckle up and let's get down to business.

I meant to keep updating, I really did.

I've meant to keep updating this thing, I swear I did. I promised myself that I would spend 1 hour a week updating this blog, I mean that isn't that much time, right? I also swore to keep running, at least 5 days a week for 30 minutes - 1 hour. Not that much of a time commitment to myself, after all, I deserve some me time, right? I was wrong. I was gravely mistaken.

So, not to make excuses, but let me just review the goings on of the last year.
I took the remaining classes necessary for me to be able to sit for my qualifying exam. I bumped up production of my own project dramatically, took on a back up project and when our lab manager left, I began to assume her duties. Those duties are not trivial ones either and do place a high demand on my time. So when I wasn't in the lab, I was at home studying or reading for class.
In this last year, I also presented a poster in NOLA which was great, my first real poster session since my masters with all the people in the new field I've chosen. As the spring quarter began, I knew that the QE season was upon us. I began trying to get the members of my cohort together to study on a weekly basis, which started out well but quickly petered out. Also, I was asked to take on a collaboration with a lab located on the opposite coast, which meant that I would have to fly to and from on a semi-regular basis to actually do the experiments myself in their facility. While I saw this as an awesome opportunity, I also saw the time commitment it was going to take and I was already concerned about my QE. I voiced my concerns to my boss but he seemed little interested and pushed on. I made 2 trips out to the other coast, each trip lasting a total of 3 days (including travel time) and all requiring layovers. These 2 trips ended up being 8 and 4 weeks before my QE. Needless to say, while I was flying I was also reading and reviewing. In the end, my boss also gave me 3 weeks off to study for the exam and review, I feel like I could have used more time but, it was sufficient.

I would also like to paint a picture of my QE since everyone's is different, and the format itself depends upon the university as well as the department. Mine was a 3 hour exam, split into 2 parts. Part 1 being focused solely on my project, I was supposed to get 20 minutes of uninterrupted time to explain my project's hypothesis, aims, and hypothetical outcomes. After which 5 professors try to poke holes in the project and see how well you can come up with answers based on your knowledge and your background. We then get a 10 minute break, followed by Part 2, which is focused on examining general knowledge of the topic, 2 inside areas, 1 outside area and a designated emphasis (equivalent to a minor as an undergrad). Each of these areas are represented by a professor on your committee and they get to ask you questions until they are satisfied of your knowledge. At the end, they kick you out of the room and deliberate if you demonstrated the knowledge base required to advance towards candidacy. If you don't, you can retake the exam 1 time, if you should not pass, there is no option to "Master out", the university requires removal from the program. So no pressure not pass, right?
From my own experience, I did not feel prepared going into the exam. I knew how much I didn't know and that was terrifying. I knew my project well, but you never know the kinds of questions that will be brought up and what kind of perspective people will bring to the table. I walked out of my exam with my head hanging low, expecting that I had failed. Given how hard the questions were, how persistent they hammered on some topics, I was sure I would have to retake the exam. I began to ask myself what I was doing, why I was even in the program. Was it all a mistake?
Luckily, and I'm sure by the skin of my teeth, I passed. My 10 minute existential crises was for nothing, but it is surprising what those 10 minutes can do to you.
I spent the weekend relaxing and taking time to just...exist without feeling rushed to do something. It was a great 3 day weekend.

My preparation for the QE was exhaustive, the number of papers I read for my topic insane. I also chose to do my outside area on a topic that I actually hadn't taken as a course, so I had 10 weeks of material to learn on my own in a few days worth of time really. The review group that I had set up only made it through a little more than half of the textbook and there were still other areas that needed to be studied. I could feel knowledge oozing from my brain and I felt like my retention rate was diminishing. I'm sure that in the process, in order to make more room, I had to delete memories of my childhood or important information linked to something somewhere...though what it may be, eludes me... as I would expect it would.

As I began back in the lab, I was excited to get started. During all of this QE nonsense, I agreed to take on an undergraduate trainee, take on another collaboration with our department chair's lab, and write a mini review for a journal. I met with my boss yesterday and he put me on another project. So all told, I have about 4 projects to work on and 1 paper to write. Oh, and I had a recent methods paper accepted where I am second author. So...the stress level comes back up to 11 and we're off to the races again.

I have friends visiting this weekend, I fly out on Monday to visit the collaborators, fly back Tuesday afternoon. I have a massive experiment that will span Thursday-Friday and then I catch a flight to go visit my family for the weekend to celebrate my dad's birthday. The pressure won't stop. So much to get done in so little time on so little sleep.

Also, some happy news, I also got engaged last February, marking 5 years together, and I'm sure we'll begin planning the actual wedding soon enough.

In the end it will all be ok

"In the end it will all be okay, if it is not okay, it is not yet the end."

This seems to be the mantra of every grad student.

No seriously.

Everyone seems panicked and trying to find a way to calm themselves down. It is a good quote and luckily it is true. There seem to be a myriad of things that really do bring a student to complete insanity and it is a wonder more of us aren't more screwed up than we are. I mean, who would do what we do for the pay we earn and still think we're "okay"?

Seriously, there seem to be a never ending series of demands placed on our time. There are seminars we have to attend weekly or biweekly. We have classes where we are required to read anywhere from 2-6 papers (primary science journal articles...if you've not read one, I encourage you to try...it takes quite a lot of energy, focus and pure will power to get through them) per class per week (say we take the average of 4 papers and 3 classes and a 10 week quarter, that roughly adds up to about 120 papers...if each paper requires a minimum of 2 hrs to get through that is 420 hours a week at minimum) and we have to plan/execute our experiments. We also have to worry about our funding and writing grants, constantly wondering if grants will get renewed or if we'll have to teach..."what if our PI doesn't get tenure? What if they get a better offer decide to move? Do we have to go to? Will we have to start over again with someone new?" Oh, and on top of it all we are also required to keep an overall 3.2 gpa during this whole process as well. So if we factor in a social/romantic/family life...really there is not much time left for things like cleaning/cooking/sleeping.

They say that there are mental health professionals available exclusively to graduate students, which is great and I can see a need for them. There is a tremendous amount of pressure that we are under and I know a few of my colleagues have sought out there help. Unfortunately, from what they've said...these "professionals" are of little use. They basically instruct my friends to "suck it up" and "find a way to deal" with everything. Great advice...why didn't they think of that?

I do see though that everything does turn out okay. Grants get funded (sometimes just sneaking in). I've seen other PI's get private funding at the last minute. I've seen us all panic before exams only to come out the other side with A's and B's. Each time we hold our breaths a little longer, stress a little more and question what we're doing but everything does turn out fine.

I'm a year away from taking my qualifying exams. I have to start prepping soon. By the end, I'll have to know a textbook backward and forward. Know every aspect of my project and a majority of an "outside" subject that I've yet to select. I see how scared some people look at the idea of even attempting this. But the truth is... I know that by the time I'll be in front of my exam committee, I'll be ready, as will the rest of my cohort. I recall being an undergrad and seeing the Master's students write their theses and thinking to myself "there is no way I could write a book. And that's why I'll never do a Master's or a PhD. I mean, who can talk about science THAT much?!" But it turns out, by the time you get there, you'll be ready to do it. You don't even realize that you are. It sort of happens. You get trained by great professors (if you've chosen wisely) and you work hard for them. It is a total Karate Kid kind of thing. You get Miyagi-ed.

With all of the "wax-on", "wax-off" and "paint the fence"...you learn what you need to know and you can stand before a committee of professors, your peers, and professors that have become your peers...and be able to defend your work.

And for all the worrying that goes on...really, it turns out okay.

So is my message "don't worry"? no... no it is not.

If you're not scared, you're not doing it right. You should be terrified. But everyone needs to remember that the worry will make you better and you'll be okay in the end.

To modify a great quote:

Just keep pipetting, just keep pipetting...just keep pipetting pipetting pipetting. What do we do? We pipette

Till next time. Keep pipetting

The first year in review

I've not been writing as religiously as I intended. The beginnings of this program were rocky and I felt I almost lost my footing. Now, my first year as a PhD student is coming to a close, I feel like I've been through so much this since I've moved and began this journey that it couldn't have all taken place in such a short amount of time.

Beginning with home life, I move in with my girlfriend and together we've made a very nice place for ourselves. There are still a few things we'd like to change or do, but living in an apartment definitely limits your options. Living with someone else has taken some adjusting, on both sides, but I think we're cohabit acting quite nicely together. 

My girlfriend moved up here with a cat (Abbey) and, back in September/ November, we felt she was getting rather lonely...so we adopted another friend for her to play with. His name is Perry, after the Disney character, due to the loud purring noises he makes and propensity to disappear. He is fun, full of love and a little Derpy. He has become very attached to me in a very short amount of time. He likes to sit in the office with me while I study or read and during my breaks from work I've taught him several tricks (including: sit, stand, shake, lay down, roll over). He also likes to play fetch with us, and occasionally runs around with his tongue hanging out. 

The first year of a PhD is filled with classes, seminars, reading and rotations. It seems like they ask you to learn and do so much...way more in fact than anyone actually has time for. We lose a lot of sleep, eat poorly, and exercise less than we'd like. By we, I mean the collective first year cohort. The first quarter we were here, we had 4 classes together and saw each other rather frequently. As the year has progressed, we've begun seeing much less of one another...due to difference in classes and difference in lab locations. The campus and lab spaces are spread throughout two cities so locations of labs do play a role in where you rotate and eventually where you will live during the remainder of your degree here. 

My first 2 rotations were in labs located 30ish minutes away by car from main campus. Initially, for my first rotation, I was biking every day to main campus and then taking an inter campus shuttle to the secondary area. This did make commuting rather difficult as the bus stopped running at 7:30 pm. For "normal people" this wouldn't be much of an issue, but for graduate students who live in the lab it does present a problem. My first lab was one that never stopped. Without exaggeration, there was always someone in that lab...24/7 there is someone there. Everyone keeps very different hours and there were no windows in the lab so you rarely felt the pull of night telling you it was time to go home. I began feeling that my commuting via bus was causing tension (having to leave early, so I wouldn't be stuck in a city without a ride home) and so I bought a parking pass and began driving out there. Where this did ease some the stress and tension I still felt like things weren't quite clicking. The research done in this lab involved a lot of cancer biology, a bit of HVGD and some emerging studies with viruses. I felt that the environment was a tough one, but I could thrive there given the opportunity to do so. The PI of the lab was rarely there, living in another state, and relied heavily upon the opinion and information provided to him of his current students. Upon exiting his lab, he stated that he liked my work but had another student rotating with him and needed to give them a shot before offering me a position. I said that I understood and moved on to my next rotation.

My second rotation was in a lab that was also part of a hospital. There were several layers of security and screening to go through just to rotate there. The first 2-3 weeks of my rotation, the PI of the lab wasn't present. He was gone due to an illness and a conference and so I began my rotation very haphazardly. There were conflicting reports of what project I was to work on and who with. Things got off to a very rocky start, but eventually settled down a bit. I found myself working hard and being asked to help with other things, but the research itself wasn't one that really got me excited. It focussed heavily on the immune regulation of arthritis. I wanted to be thrilled and excited about it...I really did. The PI knew it wasn't the area I wanted to go in to and while he liked my work, he acknowledged that fact. As I exited his lab to start my 3 and final rotation the PI of Lab 2 offered me a spot and indicated that I would be free, in his lab, to pursue my interests of infectious models while working on immune regulation of arthritis. I thanked him for the offer and said that I had to give my 3rd rotation a shot before I committed. 

Right around the time I was leaving Lab 2, I had heard back from Lab 1 and was told that I would not be offered a position. That did make me a bit worried...I mean, I knew I wasn't the best fit for that lab, but I really wasn't thrilled about Lab 2 and Lab 3 was to have 4 of the 6 graduate students rotating through with only enough money to take on one student. That left me feeling like I had little hope of getting in to Lab 3 and that Lab 2 would really be my only option.

I felt stressed, tired and frustrated. I felt rejected. 

While most of this was occurring classes were still going on and in the first quarter. One of my classes only had 2 exams...a midterm and a final. I studied hard for the midterm but wasn't prepared for a section and got a C on it. I was eventually called in to the Dept. Chair's office and he asked me what happened, why I wasn't performing and told me I needed to make a change. I felt defeated. I broke down that night. After the final, I knew I hadn't aced the exam, but I didn't fail it either. I got the score back and was excited at first. I got enough points, or so I thought, to earn a B in the class. But the grade on the website said C+... how could that be? Each exam was weighted differently and as such it shifted my grade downward instead of upward. I was crushed. I thought this meant academic probation. Academic probation means no stipend. No stipend means loans. Loans were not an option in my mind...so that meant I was done.  What a failure, what a waste...of time, money, energy. What was I going to tell people back home? That was just too much and I was scared. I was never so happy to have my girlfriend with me. She talked me through it, told me everything was going to be okay. And it was. The official grade ended up being a B. I'm sure they curved it so that I wouldn't get a C+ and to keep me off of academic probation...that's the thing they don't tell you when you get into grad school. They don't want you to fail, they've already invested a lot of money in you and don't want you to drop. So they help...where they can. My Second quarter went much better, I was back in the swing of classes, back to studying harder than ever and I got mostly As and a B+.

During my Second quarter my 3rd rotation started. When I began my rotation, the PI indicated that this spot was a highly sought after one and that he tested his students to see how badly they wanted in the lab. The way that he knew that they were passionate about this work was that they would know not only about their projects but about everyone else's as well. I knew I had to be on point. I worked hard, stayed late, slept little, I asked everyone about their project and took notes while they explained. I said yes to whenever anyone needed anything. I made suggestions, I asked for input, I did everything I could. In the end, a week before my rotation was to end, I had a meeting with the PI. He quizzed me, asked me hard questions and each time I answered, I was asked another. It was terrifying. At the end of the meeting, the PI told me he needed to think about things and confer with the current students. I waited almost a week before he sent me an email offering me a position.

The sense of elation was mirrored only by my acceptance to this program. I was in. I had a new home. It meant being in a lab that studies the kind of stuff I want. I didn't have to move to the secondary campus. It meant that things really would work out.

It really was fantastic and I couldn't have been happier.

My third and final quarter of my first year, as I said, is coming to a close in a couple weeks. The second week in June is the week of finals...rapidly approaching and in that time, so much has changed.

Since moving here, I've flown home a few times to see my family and they've come a few times to see me. It is different, like I knew it would be. My room is still..."my room" but...it is distinctly not at the same time. I miss my parents a lot, and I know they miss me too. It is really hard for my mom. Each time they or I leave, she hugs me tightly and cries. Even when we Skype, she tears up. It is hard being away from my family, but it had to happen sooner or later. At 26, now 27 years old, it was time to move out...time to move on. I lived at home as long as I could and it was time for a new adventure.

With all of these changes, I'm excited and terrified to see what year 2 will bring. 

Hopefully this coming year, I'll be writing more. 

Quite a lot of baggage

This week I've begun packing up my things.

After living in this house for 26 years, I've clearly accumulated quite a lot of stuff. As I place things in boxes to move, others to give away and in bags to throw away, I find myself reflecting on each item. I look at each piece and recall the story behind how that came into my possession. Most have wonderful memories tied to them, some are sad or bitter, and others just receive a confounded look as I ask myself "where did this come from?" or "why did I keep this?" I've held onto some weird things; I've found old homework from the 8th grade, toy robots that will never be played with again and pictures from yesteryear. Some tough decisions have been made about some of this stuff too; there is so much I'd like to keep or to take with me, but I don't see a point. So I am giving away what I can, leaving behind what I can part with, and taking the rest. These boxes do fill up rather quickly though and I feel like the whole house is in chaos. We've done a lot of shopping and had a majority of the furniture we want delivered to my house. It is a sea/maze of boxes in my house.

This whole process of moving has been interesting, introspective and emotional. There are so many things I've seen every day that I will be leaving in my room (for now); it is weird not knowing the next time I'll be back in my own room or what will change between now and then. My parents have upgraded several things in the house in the last few years and it has morphed into quite a different place. I'm curious to see what the next few years will bring for this house and when I return, what will be different.

As more and more of my stuff is leaving my room in boxes, the emptier my room feels and the sadder I get. It hadn't really hit me until I began boxing up some of my clothes, just now, that this was it. This is the first time I've ever moved... I learned to walk in this house and while it will always hold so many memories, the next time I return, this won't really be home. Things will never be the same; I am excited about starting a new chapter in my life but it is hard letting go. The last several nights, as I've said goodnight to my parents, my mom has begun to cry; not only am I the youngest but the relationship between my parents and I has grown into more of a friendship. It is weird seeing your parents as peers, but it is definitely a facet of adulthood that I enjoy; I am aware that not everyone has that kind of relationship with their parents, but some do and they'll understand how cool it can be. They've both come to confide in me, and I in them, and where it is tough not seeing parents it will be hard not seeing my two friends.

This past weekend I had a "See you later party" to see all the friends that could before I leave. It was an open house event, allowing people to arrive at noon and lasting until about 11 pm. I got to spend a bit more time with my (now former) boss, my mix of friends and my family. When the last few people left, we cleaned up and it all felt very surreal. I feel very detached from a lot of what is happening and at the same time I know what is going on and I'm not sure how to respond to it all. Between boxing up my things this week, I am trying to squeeze in a bit of time to see a few people that couldn't make it to my party. I'm going to miss, so very much, seeing everyone and where I know that I'll make new friends, it does little to ease the loss of the old.

Next week, I am to pick up the moving truck. Thursday I am going to drive to pick up the keys to my apartment (~5.5 hr drive...6 if you leave time for gas and a food break) and then fly back home later that night. A week from this coming Saturday I will be driving to my apartment to stay. I'm excited and nervous about it all.

I still have to pack my clothes and to box up my electronics, but I feel like that is a job to do next week.

Time to go meet some friends for lunch.

Till next time.

"Summertime and the livin is easy"

It has been just over a week since I've left the lab.

In the days that followed, I've had several conversations with, now former, labmates about the affairs of the lab. Some of those conversations have even been attempts to bring me back. Where the offers are, of course tempting, I stay my distance.

There have been a great many advances in the process of moving since my last update. I've done lots of homework on several different things for the apartment; purchased a bed, a desk, dining table and chairs, and a dresser. It has been an intense week on my bank account. Though my parents are helping pay for these things, it is still tough to see how much money is being spent. There is still lots to organize. I'm currently working on a new problem that has cropped up with moving and that is PODs versus Trucks. There seems to be an issue that was only just discovered last night and now I am working to see what I can do. It is frustrating and it is also weird. The process of buying all of this stuff... seeing several thousand dollars disappear from my bank accounts or seeing several thousand show up on credit cards, bargaining for lower costs of furniture; these moments have made me feel more like an adult than ever before. All of the problems of packing and delivering, organizing the logistics...it is all rather exhausting and I don't know that I feel mature enough to handle all of it. Sometimes it is all rather overwhelming and I'm not sure I know what I'm doing.

When I've expressed those sentiments to other "adults", they have similar sentiments; which leads me to the conclusion that no one really knows what they're doing, everything is just anyone's best guess most of the time. That is pretty startling.

In the week I have had off, I've accomplished all of that and still found time to read the new Dan Brown book (Inferno). This book was especially enticing because it dealt both with Europe travel (visiting most of the places I had just seen on my trip) and with some interesting questions of population control. I don't think I much cared for the book, it was mildly disappointing, but I thought it was interesting how he brought a very important topic to a very large audience. The issue discussed in the book is very really and very startling. He makes some great points and in the end, I think may broaden some minds.

In the time I have while still at home, I am doing my best to see all of my friends and to relax as much as possible. There have been lots of drinks by the pool and naps. Today is a movie day, followed by dinner and some trivia. I'm excited for a bit of relaxation time before the next storm.

Till next week.

"I Open at the Close"

When I last updated this blog, I was about to leave for Europe for three weeks. It has now been 2 months since my last posting. I had thought about posting, so many times, but the words weren't coming and I always figured I'd find my words tomorrow. A dangerous habit to get into. "Tomorrow" is a dangerous word and I don't like using it. 

So...no longer tomorrow...Today. Now.

Lets begin with my trip through Europe, and then I'll get to the lab stuff 

I've never traveled those distances before, it was nerve wracking to say the least. My flight wasn't so bad; everywhere I landed, they spoke English, which was calming. I was worried I'd have to translate something or figure out what was happening. I had a wonderful experience when I flew on Lufthansa; I highly recommend flying with them given the opportunity. When I landed in Pisa, I had to wait at the airport for 2 hours, till representatives from the conference arrived with the bus. I arrived at the hotel, which was beautiful; it was off, deep in the countryside, and had a view of the valley below. I didn't have much time, so I took a quick shower and headed off to dinner. The meal was delicious (and not just because I had been living on airline food for the past 17+hrs). Immediately following we had the keynote speaker addressing the group; this would have been wonderful had not everyone there been falling asleep from exhaustion. Though I had no trouble sleeping the first night, I did the subsequent 3, waking up at 3-4 in the morning local time, unable to go back to sleep; this was the only part of the conference I did not enjoy. In the week I was at this conference, I met wonderful scientists. I got to hear some great talks, see some interesting science and go on some beautiful walks through the country. Each meal was just as spectacular as the first and in the end, I fell in love with Italy. The week ended with a wine-tasting at a local vineyard and a banquet back at the hotel. That night, one of the most prominent members in the DNA repair field asked to sit next to me at dinner; him and I had a wonderful conversation. It is astonishing to see the how humble this brilliant mind can be; to know the kind of work he does and to still stay so remarkably grounded is something I could only ever wish to obtain. 

At the end of the conference, I headed back to the Pisa airport where I waited for several hours for my girlfriend to arrive. Once she landed, we hailed a taxi and headed for our hotel, located fairly close by. Our room wasn't quite ready, so we walked around for a bit, found some food and came back. We rested for a bit, called home and looked up the local sites. We kept the evening short because we had booked a tour that would last 13 days and we knew we would be fairly exhausted, so we did our best to get as much rest as we could. Our second day in Pisa, we decided to go for a walk and found our way, quite accidentally I might add, at the leaning tower. We walked around a bit, took some photos (no, none of the touristy ones of us supporting the tower) and found a Hop on - Hop off tour bus that we had booked weeks before. This red double-decker bus was a great idea; we hopped on and took the tour a few times before we had decided we had had enough and would like to have lunch. Luckily for us, our tour bus stopped just outside our hotel (which was situated just across the street from the train station). 

The next day we took the train to Rome (and barring a slight error, which cost us an extra 45 euro) we arrived at our hotel with too much trouble. Here we met our tour director and a few of the others that would be traveling with us. From that night on, we did not stop. The trip was a wonderful blur. We saw amazing things. I won't go heavily into specifics, but I will say that in 13 days we went from Rome, to Pisa, to Florence, to Venice, to Innsbruck- Austria, to Liechtenstein, to Luzern- Switzerland, to Paris- France and then into London- England. We met 8 Aussies (4 groups of 2) that were traveling with us, they made this experience so much fun; we had several dinners with them, the conversations and comradery added to the tour. I know we wouldn't have had as wonderful a time had we not met them.

During this trip, I took a total of 2,300+ pictures and combined a good portion of them into 2 photo albums that adequately summarize my trip. They were rather costly (having them printed through iPhoto, for $125 a book) but they are well worth it. I didn't spend much on souvenirs for myself, so those took the place of what I could have bought. 

Last Days in the Lab 

I returned, after the trip, for about 2 months of lab work. I had signed on, 3 years ago, to do some collaborative work with another, more prestigious, university. The initial proposal of work was modest and certainly accomplishable in a short amount of time; however, after they got the first glimpses of the data, they wanted to change the parameters. This required much more time and so, off and on throughout my Master's degree, I have been working on this side project simultaneously. In these last 2 months I spent 10-14 hour days, 6 days a week in a room just large enough to fit a large microscope and 2 computers. I sat and analyzed microscopy images, in the dark for that time. That process begins to take a toll on a person and can leave you grumpy, disgruntled and disjointed. I also saw my time in the lab winding down and I knew that it was also starting to take its toll.

Several weeks ago, two new undergraduate students joined my lab to finish some of the main work I had done as a masters student. This meant preparing things for them and showing them where everything was. I began to feel myself being separated from the things I had invested so much time in; I even felts a bit of resentment towards these new students. I mean, who could love this projects like I did? Who would dedicate themselves, bleed for this lab like I have? None of them would know the struggles of the project, the frustrations, and the accomplishments. I didn't hold that against them, but I was certainly sad to see my project change hands. 

Last Friday I pulled my last all nighter in the lab. 20 hours in that tiny dark room analysing data. I finished at 5 in the morning and walked out, feeling exhausted and freed. There was something that wasn't quite final though. I still had to clean out my space in the lab and tabulate the data. Yesterday I did just that. I began saying my goodbyes to the professors on campus and all the support staff. They've all said that I would be missed, that I had changed the department and how much of an impact I had had on my PI's life. None of that really hit...none of it...until today, when I had packed up the things in my desk, walked to my PI's office, and handed her my keys. She took them and hugged me...tightly for what seemed like forever. I began to tear up, my heart was and is breaking; I now leave behind a home. It will never be the same and I will forever miss being in that lab. I've grown up a lot in these last 6 years; I've traveled the world, I've loved, I've lost, I've studied, I've partied and I've grown. My PI and I have grown close, she has been more than a mentor, but a friend.

I've now left one "home". In another month, I leave my home for grad school. 

I know that, in a very short amount of time, I will return to both places and things will have changed. Both will always be home, but they will no longer be my home and that thought...it breaks my heart even more. I know moving on is good, and it's necessary, but it is hard and I am falling apart. 

So...I'll do my best to smile, say "thank you for the memories" and get excited about what is to come.

'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane

Tomorrow, at this time, I'll be in the sky. Less than 24 hours from now I begin my journey to Italy for a conference. I'm packed (baring a few last toiletries) and ready to go.

I'm definitely nervous about the whole thing. I've traveled on my own before, but this will be the longest trip I've ever been on (3 weeks out of the country), the farthest from home I've ever been, and I will be (for a majority of the trip) in countries where I do not speak the native language. I think that these are fair reasons to be pensive about the experience.

Tomorrow I will begin an arduous journey, taking 3 flights to reach my destination. Once in Italy, I will take a 1.5hr bus to get to my hotel from the airport (hopefully I'll make it through customs in time and wont be late).  I know that I'll feel better once I'm actually at the conference; I'll be there for a week and I feel that it will allow me the opportunity to relax and gain my bearings before the next leg of my trip.

At the conclusion of the conference, I'm again taking a bus back to the airport, but this time it is to meet my girlfriend. We'll have two days in Italy before we need to join our tour group and again once I've joined the tour group, I think both my girlfriend and I will be able to breathe a bit easier because we wont be "in charge."

At the conclusion of this trip, I will have been through 6 countries in total (this includes 1 layover I have...I think any time you set foot on soil, it counts as having been in the country...so I'm including it!).  My parents, for a graduation present, bought me an amazing camera that I'm going to be taking with me on this trip, so I hope to have some great pictures of all the places I visit.

I did graduate this past Tuesday; it was really anticlimactic and the speeches were horrid. As I sat there listening to the "words of wisdom" being offered by the dean of the college, the president of the university and a member of the alumni association, I felt...annoyed at best. I actually felt bad that my parents and girlfriend took time off of work to sit through that. Not everyone is an amazing orator, and I know that, but you would think that these people (all of whom have higher level degrees) could have prepared something a little more...inspirational. The member of the alumni association was vapid at best. Every time he spoke, he said things like "I know how awesome my titles make me sound." I grew weary of him and the crowd. Also, it was anticlimactic because I still have so much work left to do. It will take me quite a while to finish it and I dont really feel like I'm "done."

This trip is a much needed vacation...it will help hit the "reset" button on my outlook toward research and toward my new program. I'm excited for it.

I don't think I'll be updating this (unless there is frequent and free wifi...though I doubt it) for about 3 weeks. I'll post pictures when I'm back and review the trip.

Here is to safe travels, good food and memories that will last my lifetime

"Travel, in the younger sort, is a part of education; in the elder, a part of experience."
-Francis Bacon 

Somethings come and go

10 days from now I leave the country. For the first time in my adult life, I'll be traveling abroad unaccompanied. I wont admit it to most people if they ask it, but I will say it here, I am nervous and a little scared. Not that there is anything wrong with being nervous or scared of travel, but I know that my being worried will make others worry. So I'm trying my best to keep everything together. 10 days from right this very moment, I'll be mid flight. I realize I'm going to several foreign countries where I don't speak the language; I'll be out of my element and have no one near me to rely on for more than a week (my girlfriend will be joining me at the end of my conference). I am excited about the prospect of seeing wonderful new sites, trying new foods, seeing a part of the world that I've never seen before, but there is still so much to do and so much to prepare before I leave. Where I know it will all get done, I can't help but worry about it. 

This trip will come and go, and I will have some wonderful memories... some great pictures and a few months left at home before I move to start my PhD program. The next few months will have a bit of work left in the lab to finish, but it will be confined and will be the last bit of physical work I do in this lab. For years to come I will have papers that I will co-author, but these experiments will be my last. It is time for a new project, a new school, a new life. This chapter has come and gone, 8 years on this campus (5 for an BS in Cellular Molecular Biology and 3 for a Master's in Biochemistry) and I feel... apathetic about it. Sure there were great times had, but I know that I'm not done yet and I know what lay before me. I also think about all the others that have come before me, how many will come after, and I can't help but think how inconsequential my efforts seem. I'm not marginalizing my work, it is important, important to me, important to my boss, important to the field I'm studying... I am merely saying that so many people graduate with my same degree every year... what makes mine so special? I have a hard time with that. A lot of people want me to celebrate the culmination of my efforts, to have a party and have people congratulate me and I don't want that. For all of thee above, I don't. People keep telling me it's a big deal, but it doesn't feel like it and I don't feel like I should be celebrating it. 

Some people also come and go. To quote a 1999 graduation speech "Friends come and go, but with a precious few, you should hold on." Some friends do come and go and I've held on to the ones that mean the most to me. I talk with them frequently, we chat on the phone or text... facebook does help keep everyone abreast of current news in each other's life. Some times, when friends go, it is because of a fight, sometimes people grow apart and sometimes, time happens. What is more painful is when family goes, not because of a death but because of a fight or because you've all grown apart. In the last decade of my life, I've seen fights destroy both sides of my family. Where I was not a part of any particular argument, I still lost family. It hurts knowing that you've personally done nothing wrong and the people who've watched you grow, helped raise you and teach you are no longer in your life. It would be foolish of me to say that I felt alone or victimized; in truth, both sides of the family had tried to contact me post argument. I will say though, that the manner of contact and the things being said led me to feel as if they were attempting to manipulate me into having a relationship with them and so I declined their company. Several years later, I just don't care anymore. I want nothing from them other than to be left alone and so, I've taken steps to cover what I can so that when I leave for my PhD, they will have no way of contacting me. The family I'm keeping, I am choosing to keep. They say you can't pick your family, we'll... that's not really true; my friends have treated me better than my family, my friends are my family. They say the absence of love is not hate, it is indifference. As I write this, I recount the pain they caused, but toward them I am indifferent. They came and left.

Life is changing fast, big things are happening. I feel like this trip is giving me a chance to rest up a bit and the PhD program is giving me the chance to start fresh. 

"Some think it's holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it's letting go." - Sylvia Robinson

Complexity, Beauty, Simplicity

There are so many things I want to post here but I feel like each thing really deserves its own post. I suppose I'll just do some subheadings and split it up. 

Thesis

Yesterday I got the final word that my thesis committee members had no final changes to make to my thesis. As you can imagine, I was thrilled. I uploaded my thesis to the electronic thesis/dissertation website and immediate obtained the physical signatures of my committee on the "signature page". This was then turned in to the Graduate Studies office. As I walked back from the office to my lab, I couldn't help but smile. For the brief walk between office and lab, the air smelled cleaner than ever, the sun showed through the clouds just for me and all was right with the world...just for that moment. That moment was mine. 

I currently am waiting for the "digital" signature of just one member...but that is what stands between me and my degree. This one little click of a button. The deadline for acceptance is the 10th of this month, so in less than 3 days; I have to say, I am antsy. I'm doing my best not to bang down the door of this last professor and ask them what the hell they are waiting for. There are politics everywhere and I know I need to be polite. 

This morning, I took my thesis to be printed at a nearby FedEx/Kinkos. The university requires a very special kind of paper (100% cotton, acid free, water marked) to be used. I bought 500 sheets of this paper about 3 weeks ago now (costing about $40.00). As many of my figures are in color, I had Kinko's print it in color so that all of the figures may be seen in the way I intended them to be; the cost was $0.59/page. I need 4 copies of my thesis which consists of 98 pages in total ($231.28 before tax) which then has to be sent to a binding company ($15.00 to ship to the company) which costs $25.00 to bind a single copy ($100.00). This whole process is horribly expensive, I mean...at this point, I'll pay whatever anyone needs me to pay just to make the thing end, but this is getting a bit out of hand. 

Graduate School

This last weekened (Friday night) my girlfriend and I drove to visit the surrounding area and find apartments. I left campus at 4:40 pm, picked her up at 5:10 pm and we drove till 12:40 am, when we reached a "nearby" city where her friends live. We slept on their pullout couch until 7:00 am, when we got up and drove another hour and a half to get to my future campus. We spent the day searching, meeting with people, asking questions. The last stop of the day, we found this apartment which was really just perfect. In the lobby area, they have carmel popcorn constantly popping and Wednesday's is hotdog day (though I'm a vegetarian, as a former meat eater, I think this is a cool concept). The apartment itself is 920 square feet. It has 2 beds, 1 bathroom, a nice sized kitchen and comes with a washer and dryer. The apartment covers the water bill too. We left the apartment complex to return back to our friend's place and the whole way back, I couldn't help but think of how amazing this complex was. I wanted to apply right there, but knew I should sleep on it, not make any rash decisions. Sunday we drove back home, leaving the area around 10ish am. It took another 7 hours for me to get back to my front door. In total, I drove over 1,000 miles this past weekend; to say that I'm exhausted after such an event would be an understatement. 

While driving back, my girlfriend stumbled upon the reviews of this apartment complex and they were less than complimentary, which I know bothered her (I know because she told me it did). It definitely took the wind out of my sails, but as we looked at the reviews of other places, they all seem to say the same kinds of things. Despite the bad reviews, I was content to apply, but my girlfriend needed more time; in general she tends to take a while to pick something and also isn't a big fan of change, so I was trying to be as patient as possible, but also not wanting to wait too long as we are not far from going on a trip to Europe. I want this whole thing sown up and ready to go before we leave, so there really isn't much time.

Just prior to my starting this update, I submitted my first apartment application. I have a mix of emotions about this really; I'm scared, excited, nervous...to name a few. Having been research assistant for the last several years (being paid to get my Masters while I live at home) I've had the opportunity to save a lot of money, but when you consider my tax info, it doesn't look like I currently make that much; however, I am getting accepted to a PhD program with a hefty stipend, so with my stipend and my girlfriend's income, we should make enough to cover rent two times over. I'm nervous because I've never lived away from home, I've never lived with anyone and I'm really hoping we get this place. I hope this place will take us and treat us well. Obviously, I'm excited for several reasons, I can't wait to move in with my girlfriend and this place looks like it will be great.

Amendment to "Thoughts on the Universe"

As I sat in the dense of another graduate student's thesis, I began once again contemplating the origins of the universe. I was trying to resolve the known theories of its beginnings, unify what I know of multiverse theory and string theory. I was trying to understand what happened to the antimatter that had to have been generated at the beginning moments and answer the question "what is the universe contained in?" For those unfamiliar with these concepts I'll briefly try to provide a background; however, multiverse and string theories, you can look up on your own because they're too long to explain here. As for antimatter, we know that for every particle of matter that exists an opposite particle with opposite charges and opposite spins. When antimatter and matter come in contact, they cancel each other out in a violent manner. During the big bang, it is hypothesized that a large amount of antimatter was generated due to several different circumstances, however, none is left/detectable. Additionally, there is this idea that the universe is contained in something. For those, uninitiated, a vacuum can only be exist in a sealed contained system. In order to maintain this, the universe would have to be contained in something, but how could this be if it is ever expanding? Further, what lies beyond the limits of the universe? What exists in that nothingness? 

My mind was attempting to answer these questions, and then something clicked. What if the universe is like pacman? 

Stay with me here... if you go too far left, you end up back at the right side of the screen and vise-versa. As you progress through the levels, there are other escapes that lead back to the same thing. I began contemplating this, what if the edge of the universe is simply contained in itself? What if it loops back around and the two edges just meet and that is what lies beyond the universe...our universe. I began to twist the images of the known universe in my head and I found the best way to resolve it was to use this 

The Möbius strip is becoming my model to explain the universe. 

At the moment of genesis, there was a large amount of antimatter made, if so, then the antimatter would have come in contact with overlaying Möbius strips, thus annihilating a nearby parallel universe. Further, when one universe expands, it causes another to contract as they are overlaid upon one another and lastly, the universe as we know may contain within it the other known universes in this manner. Each side of the universe is twisted and connected with the opposite side. Each seam would, at its connecting point be expanding, giving rise to the apparent growth and thus, we would be unable to observe what is beyond the universe because, simply, there is no beyond. This infinite loop holds all that is, was and can be along with being connected to parallel forms of itself; when one collapses in on itself, all the matter that was used for its genesis is compacted into on area and thus has the capacity to start again. Similarly, these universes collapse because a universe is growing and has no place else to go, causing the weaker universe to retreat inward. As the collapsed universe is under a tremendous amount of pressure, it eventually will explode with matter and antimatter repeating the process.