I read a few articles not long after having started my PhD that laid out the costs of obtaining a degree in higher education (see blogs Slate and Quartz). While I personally found many of the statements true, the emotional cost that it spoke of, did not directly speak to me. It mentioned that many people become depressed, suicidal, emotionally unstable, and either act on it or leave the program. I say this as a preface for the things that have all been happening within the last few months that I have not taken the time to update here. I haven't because, dealing with it in person has been taxing and the idea of rehashing it, as it is all happening around me, was too much.
An important piece of information is that statistically, the attrition rate at the PhD level is roughly 50%. While my cohort originally started with six (five first year students and one vet-med dual degree PhD) we are now down to three. Two of those left because they realized that they weren't doing the thing that made them happy, or that a PhD wasn't for them and opted to cut their losses. One came into the program with a lot of emotional baggage and during our second year was hospitalized for depression and alcoholism; as such, they have been quietly asked to leave the program, given a year to get their life together, and may be given the opportunity to return. My class is pretty much batting average.
The class below me, the current 2nd years, are wrapping up their last bit of class work and are soon to be taking their qualifying exams. They too are a class of 6 and have already begun seeing that people will leave. One of their cohort, a friend of mine, has struggled with handling intra-lab politics, as well as interactions with her boss. While no mentor-mentee relationship is perfect, theirs is/was a sordid mess. Her boss is someone whom I have a very strong distaste for, I have said I will never work with again, and I can only imagine what being in her lab would be like. The boss is a vile venomous person and I cannot think of a nice thing to say. As such, the kind of vitriol that spewed forth from her mouth and toward my friend has left a potential lethal wound. Recently, my friend was in the hospital for reasons not disclosed to any beyond a select few. Having some deductive reasoning skills of my own, along with a contextual understanding, I believe she was there due to a worry of inflicting self harm. Two weeks ago, her lab members were reckless and did something that put lives at risk. For my friend, this was the last straw. She has decided to leave the program until September and quite frankly, I really don't think she will return. The statement itself is awful because she has a brilliant mind and could do wonderfully given the right mentorship but I don't think she had that opportunity.
The combination of those now gone from my cohort and the new absence has others talking. It has the current second years questioning who will be the next to go, to throw in the towel and walk away. And truthfully, it isn't just the second years talking either, the first years are watching and they are all a bit scared. Several of them have talked about being nervous that they won't make it through. Made jokes about hoping that it won't be them next to leave. It is in the program's best interest to have a lower rate of attrition but how do we accomplish that? How do we reshape this culture of cruel behavior? It isn't in the interest of academia to raise a bunch of softies who can't take a punch (by which I mean who can't compete for grant funding, who can't defend their work, who can't take constructive criticism) but that isn't all what is happening here.
I see that there needs to be a culture change but of the three of my cohort remaining, I'm the only active participant in program activities. The dual-degree has a year left before her return to vet-school and as such has been under the wire to publish and produce as much data as possible, leaving little to no time for anything else. The other student works at a lab on part of our satellite campus and he is, from what I've heard, struggling. While this student did pass his qualifying exam, he has been struggling to maintain consistent progress and may not make it through the program. So of the six of us, I may be the last one standing. That is a huge undertaking for one person and in the interest of self preservation and success I honestly just want to finish my work so that I can graduate.
Lastly, a lab member of mine has recently had a lot of health issues. In trying to identify what is the source of the illness, he has undergone a myriad of tests, the results came back inconclusive but pointing to one of several diseases that may leave him wheelchair bound or dead within the next 5 years. This news was shocking and surprising, and he took me into his confidence for two main reasons: 1) if anything should happen to him while working, he wanted someone to know what to tell EMS, and 2) to have someone to talk about and confide in. This has obviously raised a lot of questions for him about what to do next. I mean, if someone told you that the clock is ticking and in 5 years you wouldn't be here anymore, what would you do? Would you keep working? The problem is, he doesn't have a timeline yet, there are still so many tests left to be done to narrow down the cause of his symptoms and questions left unanswered. It could be something that kills him in 5 or 30 years. That's a big difference and one that would make a lot of choices easier or more difficult...but he still needs more information. As that has been unfolding, I have been a sounding board, absorbing the information he has so far, offering comfort where I can, and proffering advice when asked. I can't empathize with him because that isn't a situation I've ever been in nor can I fully grasp (and I doubt anyone could unless they too received that kind of news).
For these students, doing a PhD has caused their worlds to come crumbling down around them. Their health has declined, by which I mean both physical and mental. Their support systems aren't there, and those of us who can identify and support them are too wrapped up in our own work to really offer the kind of help they all need. Doing a PhD isn't easy, no one ever said it was, but until recently, people haven't spoken about the true health cost of getting one and it needs to be voiced. It is only when we give it a voice that I think we'll be able to tackle the conversation of how to change the culture so that this kind of emotional damage isn't inflicted upon the students. There is a high cost to this degree and for some, they do pay with their lives...that price is too high and no one should have to pay it.
Sunday, May 15, 2016
Tuesday, March 8, 2016
Stereotypes in and out of Science
I was raised by loving parents who faced a lot of backlash from their family because they loved each other. While their skin tones were the same, one came from a strictly Sephardic Jewish background while the other came from a more ethnically diverse Christian one. They saw their relationship as being between just them and it shouldn't have any bearing on what family members may think or feel. I was raised by these two loving people and told that the most important thing was to find someone who loved me for me, man or woman, black or white, it didn't matter, just as long as they treated me well. From those loving foundations, I've grown into a person that believes "you must give respect to get it" and "If you're nice to me, I'll be nice to you."
That being said, I'm tired of being stereotyped. Yes, I am white, yes I am a male. These two things combined often leave people saying "oh poor you, the life of a white male is so hard" or "white male privilege must be tough." To be honest, I recognize the privilege that does come with my gender and skin colour. I am fully cognizant of it. But I am tired of being blamed for the woes of the world because of it. I personally have not oppressed people, nor has any member of my family for as far back as I can find. I've had conflicts with people of different backgrounds because they assume all white people to be the same. They assume that my skin colour automatically makes me a bigot, that I'm judging them.
One such recent case was that of one of my lab members. She is a woman of Vietnamese descent and said to me recently that so many female asian scientists are treated poorly/ thought less of by their white male counterparts. She went on to say that "[I am] lucky to know [her] and that the only reason [I] am as nice or treated her as equally was because of knowing [her]." Because how could I possibly even be a decent human to another without having met her? How could I see past my white male privilege eyes, had she not been here to help me? I found the comment highly inflammatory and took it as an insult. I conveyed as much to her and spoke to her of her own prejudices to which she admitted having.
Yes men historically are the aggressors, yes men are responsible for a great deal of the tragedies that can be seen and or studied in our history, and yes these men are predominantly and disproportionately white. But, that does not make all white men responsible. I'm tired of it being assumed that I look down upon people simply because of my background. I've been told that people think that I think that I'm better than others and that simply isn't true. I've been told that people see me as arrogant and overly self-confident, also not true. I've been told that people think that I don't think people from english as a second language backgrounds aren't as intelligent, and again that is simply not true. I don't know where these thoughts derive from, but had the people simply gotten to know me, they would see that I'm not that person. I've been a vocal advocate for equality, by which I mean not just for women but for people of different sexual preferences, gender identities, races, or creeds. I've defended the idea that racial profiling isn't okay because you can't treat one member of one group as being responsible for the actions of those that would seek to cause hate, anger, or violence. But where are my champions? Where are my advocates?
All around me are people from different backgrounds celebrating a month designated for their history or their gender and that's fine. When we look to the books, what we consider history, globally, has been dictated by white males. As such, white males have ruined our ability to publicly celebrate our race or our gender...and that's okay. But again, I'm tired having my face rubbed in the atrocities of people that I haven't ever actually been related to much less associated with. I'm tired of being told I should apologize for who I am or what color skin I was born with. When I point out the blatant racism in this thinking, I'm told that it isn't racism, that it is the other races and genders standing up for themselves. But really, when you belittle or hold prejudices against others for the color of their skin, it still is racism. It isn't my fault that these things were done, nor was it the fault of my ancestors, and I'm truly getting tired of having to defend that to each and every person who judges.
That being said, I'm tired of being stereotyped. Yes, I am white, yes I am a male. These two things combined often leave people saying "oh poor you, the life of a white male is so hard" or "white male privilege must be tough." To be honest, I recognize the privilege that does come with my gender and skin colour. I am fully cognizant of it. But I am tired of being blamed for the woes of the world because of it. I personally have not oppressed people, nor has any member of my family for as far back as I can find. I've had conflicts with people of different backgrounds because they assume all white people to be the same. They assume that my skin colour automatically makes me a bigot, that I'm judging them.
One such recent case was that of one of my lab members. She is a woman of Vietnamese descent and said to me recently that so many female asian scientists are treated poorly/ thought less of by their white male counterparts. She went on to say that "[I am] lucky to know [her] and that the only reason [I] am as nice or treated her as equally was because of knowing [her]." Because how could I possibly even be a decent human to another without having met her? How could I see past my white male privilege eyes, had she not been here to help me? I found the comment highly inflammatory and took it as an insult. I conveyed as much to her and spoke to her of her own prejudices to which she admitted having.
Yes men historically are the aggressors, yes men are responsible for a great deal of the tragedies that can be seen and or studied in our history, and yes these men are predominantly and disproportionately white. But, that does not make all white men responsible. I'm tired of it being assumed that I look down upon people simply because of my background. I've been told that people think that I think that I'm better than others and that simply isn't true. I've been told that people see me as arrogant and overly self-confident, also not true. I've been told that people think that I don't think people from english as a second language backgrounds aren't as intelligent, and again that is simply not true. I don't know where these thoughts derive from, but had the people simply gotten to know me, they would see that I'm not that person. I've been a vocal advocate for equality, by which I mean not just for women but for people of different sexual preferences, gender identities, races, or creeds. I've defended the idea that racial profiling isn't okay because you can't treat one member of one group as being responsible for the actions of those that would seek to cause hate, anger, or violence. But where are my champions? Where are my advocates?
All around me are people from different backgrounds celebrating a month designated for their history or their gender and that's fine. When we look to the books, what we consider history, globally, has been dictated by white males. As such, white males have ruined our ability to publicly celebrate our race or our gender...and that's okay. But again, I'm tired having my face rubbed in the atrocities of people that I haven't ever actually been related to much less associated with. I'm tired of being told I should apologize for who I am or what color skin I was born with. When I point out the blatant racism in this thinking, I'm told that it isn't racism, that it is the other races and genders standing up for themselves. But really, when you belittle or hold prejudices against others for the color of their skin, it still is racism. It isn't my fault that these things were done, nor was it the fault of my ancestors, and I'm truly getting tired of having to defend that to each and every person who judges.
Thursday, January 28, 2016
I could quit right now and no one would blame you
There are days, and lately an ever increasing number, where I think "Well, that's fine. I could quit and that would be good enough. I mean, who would blame you? You've done more than most and it would be completely understandable." I keep contemplating it. I had the same thought the first time I ran a marathon. At 19 miles I was exhausted and thought for a long time, as I continued to trudge on, that I could quit and it would be ok. I mean, look at the distance I just traveled. 19 miles is nothing to sneeze at and maybe that's good enough. I wish I had a story about catching my second wind, about rallying, about the bigger goal. My only thought was that at this point, it wasn't just me who was invested in the choice I made to run this. It was everyone. My parents who got hotel rooms for us near the finish line so I would have a place to shower when I was done, my now fiance who waded through traffic and people to be there for me, and my boss who was ultimately the one to watch me cross the finish line and snag some photos of it. It wasn't just my time and money at that point, it was everyone else's too. At mile 19, how could I stop when everyone had invested in seeing me finish? I owed it to them as much as I owed it to myself to see it through. And when I crossed that line, the wave of emotion that washed over me was something I was unprepared for. It meant more to me that I thought it had and I think having that mental tug-of-war with myself during the actual event is also what added so much weight to the moment.
Here I am again, with the same thoughts and I am reminding myself that it is, once again, not just me that is invested in this journey. It is my now fiance, who has moved with me to make this possible. My parents who help with everything that they can, even being hundreds of miles away. It is my support system that have all helped me get to this point. And I feel like if I don't finish, if I don't dig in and complete this thing, I will have let more than just myself down. And That is something I cannot handle. I realize that it is okay to be selfish in life, if something isn't making you happy, then you should try and fix it or walk away. And I'm not unhappy, I'm just tired...of so many things, but tired none the less and walking away would be so easy if it were just me in this. But it isn't and because it isn't, it takes that option off the table for me. Good, bad, or indifferent, I know I have to trudge the rest of the 7.2 miles left of this journey. Truth be told, I'm more than half way and as much as I'd like to, I can't quit now.
Now is the time to dig in, bite down, and give the biggest Mufasa rawr I can muster. Now is the time where you have to want it more.
Now is the time.
Here I am again, with the same thoughts and I am reminding myself that it is, once again, not just me that is invested in this journey. It is my now fiance, who has moved with me to make this possible. My parents who help with everything that they can, even being hundreds of miles away. It is my support system that have all helped me get to this point. And I feel like if I don't finish, if I don't dig in and complete this thing, I will have let more than just myself down. And That is something I cannot handle. I realize that it is okay to be selfish in life, if something isn't making you happy, then you should try and fix it or walk away. And I'm not unhappy, I'm just tired...of so many things, but tired none the less and walking away would be so easy if it were just me in this. But it isn't and because it isn't, it takes that option off the table for me. Good, bad, or indifferent, I know I have to trudge the rest of the 7.2 miles left of this journey. Truth be told, I'm more than half way and as much as I'd like to, I can't quit now.
Now is the time to dig in, bite down, and give the biggest Mufasa rawr I can muster. Now is the time where you have to want it more.
Now is the time.
Monday, January 25, 2016
Loyalty Above Else
Because I view loyalty and trust as two of the most precious commodities in existence, I find betrayal and two-faced behavior abhorring. While not going into the specifics, a professor sent in an "anonymous" tip to a regulatory agency about my lab. I wholeheartedly doubt that the professor herself saw the transgression, rather her students, thus leaving me to question the supposed friendship I once had with the students in the other lab. I'm not sure yet if there was malintent or not...truthfully, I doubt that I'll ever be able to find out if there was, but I can say that I trust all of them less now.
I'm frustrated by this entire event. Here I thought we were all a band of brothers, waging war on the unknown, standing hand-in-hand at the precipice of the edge, daring the world to ignore our data and our knowledge. I thought we had a kinship that united us, be it close or far, in our unanimous pursuit of the unknown. I guess I was wrong? I feel betrayed. I don't understand why someone wouldn't come to me, to my lab, to my boss and discuss any possible transgression so that we may address the issue in house, rather than taking it up the command chain. Why is that the first thing to do? Are we all such immature children that we can't acknowledge a lack of perfection and discuss potential remedies amongst ourselves? Must we always stay in this prepubescent stage of telling on one another and pointing out when someone has done something wrong? Why is this behavior ok? Why does it persist? More importantly, what does anyone gain from it? I have no answers, and I doubt I will ever. One more reason I prefer to not work with humans.
I am an eternal optimist and I've identified over time that my biggest fault, I feel, is that I immediately trust people. I trust them until they give me a reason not to trust them. As I can not go around asking each person in that lab who felt it necessary to go above our heads and report us, I feel I can trust none of them. Fuck this microaggression and these cat-and-mouse games. I'm done with them, I can be equally vindictive and malicious. I'll keep an everwatchful eye out for the next thing they do wrong and then I'll respond in kind. Watch your six...
I'm frustrated by this entire event. Here I thought we were all a band of brothers, waging war on the unknown, standing hand-in-hand at the precipice of the edge, daring the world to ignore our data and our knowledge. I thought we had a kinship that united us, be it close or far, in our unanimous pursuit of the unknown. I guess I was wrong? I feel betrayed. I don't understand why someone wouldn't come to me, to my lab, to my boss and discuss any possible transgression so that we may address the issue in house, rather than taking it up the command chain. Why is that the first thing to do? Are we all such immature children that we can't acknowledge a lack of perfection and discuss potential remedies amongst ourselves? Must we always stay in this prepubescent stage of telling on one another and pointing out when someone has done something wrong? Why is this behavior ok? Why does it persist? More importantly, what does anyone gain from it? I have no answers, and I doubt I will ever. One more reason I prefer to not work with humans.
I am an eternal optimist and I've identified over time that my biggest fault, I feel, is that I immediately trust people. I trust them until they give me a reason not to trust them. As I can not go around asking each person in that lab who felt it necessary to go above our heads and report us, I feel I can trust none of them. Fuck this microaggression and these cat-and-mouse games. I'm done with them, I can be equally vindictive and malicious. I'll keep an everwatchful eye out for the next thing they do wrong and then I'll respond in kind. Watch your six...
Tuesday, November 17, 2015
Do it yourself, I'm not your mother and this isn't my problem
I'm sitting down to update this thing because, well, frankly I'm procrastinating and I also think that I deserve some me time.
Today has been a day. Not necessarily a bad one, just a long one, filled with the setting up of things that move the needle forward on several different experiments, but nothing truly momentous was achieved today. If I were a chef, today would have been the day where I was prepping the food, getting things ready and prepared for the eventual order. There is, of course, a lot that goes into that, and so too with cooking, a true chef doesn't just have one plate they need prepare. Instead, they must have the ingredients at the ready for the large number of orders that are sure to come at dinner time. They must move quickly, carefully, and strategically to get everything prepared on time, all dishes hot/ready/out to their waiting customers. So too must a good scientist be able to juggle the myriad of projects they have, make reagents when needed, keep the stock of disposable equipment in high supply, and deal with whatever catastrophe may befall the lab (as almost assuredly, there is one to be had each and every day).
I've been abroad these past few weeks (doing science in another state) and I've come back for (oh, less than 14 days in total... several of which include the Thanksgiving holiday, so really much less than that) and I must squeeze, in that time, a great deal of work in. I am the least senior grad student in the lab and I am acting lab manager, I have roughly 5 of my own projects, a side project and am helping another grad student optimize a protocol. In these 14 days, I need to do at least 2 major experiments (1 for my project, 1 for my side project), make a reagent for the lab (essentially a protein that we all use as a cell labeling tool [a protocol with which I am having a great deal of difficulty]) and work on that optimization i just mentioned. While this may not sound like a difficult series of tasks, I can promise that it is. On my first day back, I walk in to find a puddle of liquid between our refrigerator and our sink. Having rained recently, I check the ceiling for water damage (...nothing). I clean up the mess and soon after, the fridge starts having liquid emanating from the base of it. I notify the lab of the problem and let them know that we may have to move supplies rapidly and soon...so be at the ready. I keep monitoring it, over the 2 days span, it seems to be holding temperature, there is no more liquid, and all is well. It is simply the number of questions about the thing that I find so infuriating.
I wouldn't say that I'm stupid or lack technical skill, but I sure as shit don't know much about refrigerators. Basically, I know where the plug goes, I know what the condenser looks like and I have a rough (and by which I mean sandpaper grit P12) understanding of how the condenser works. The incessant questions about why it is producing water (from goodness knows where) and what we're going to do about it are annoying at best. I've informed everyone of the problem (including my boss) and after that... I don't know anymore. There are 3 people in my lab aside from myself. I don't know how many ways, to how many different people, and how many times I've conveyed this same message. While this seems petty, I know even as I type this it sounds incredibly so, the questions don't just stop there. When things go missing, test subjects have issues, or any question of any kind arises, I seem to be the person to ask. This is of course flattering but also exhausting and impeding. I have my own work to do and stopping to answer questions every 10 minutes puts a damper on my ability to push forward in a given day.
There are times where I just want to look at the other members of my lab and shake them. To yell "I'm not your mother, I'm not here to clean up after you", "I don't know all the answers, make a phone call, do something yourself", and "Not my project, not my problem!" I know that is a harsh but earnestly, it just takes up so much time on any given day. Today was a day full of questions, full of interruptions and full of frustrations.
*Deep breath*
I know I should take it as a sign of my understanding, my knowledge, and my level of involvement in my work, but there are just days where I want to do my work in peace and be left alone.
In other happier news, I have my first First author publication that was accepted (from my master's university) and should be available online soon. While this doesn't help me graduate any faster, it is still a mark of completion and a wonderful conclusion to the work I had done. I'm excited to see that come to fruition and add it to my CV.
I believe this has been sufficiently distracting for one evening, High-ho-high-ho back to work I go.
Today has been a day. Not necessarily a bad one, just a long one, filled with the setting up of things that move the needle forward on several different experiments, but nothing truly momentous was achieved today. If I were a chef, today would have been the day where I was prepping the food, getting things ready and prepared for the eventual order. There is, of course, a lot that goes into that, and so too with cooking, a true chef doesn't just have one plate they need prepare. Instead, they must have the ingredients at the ready for the large number of orders that are sure to come at dinner time. They must move quickly, carefully, and strategically to get everything prepared on time, all dishes hot/ready/out to their waiting customers. So too must a good scientist be able to juggle the myriad of projects they have, make reagents when needed, keep the stock of disposable equipment in high supply, and deal with whatever catastrophe may befall the lab (as almost assuredly, there is one to be had each and every day).
I've been abroad these past few weeks (doing science in another state) and I've come back for (oh, less than 14 days in total... several of which include the Thanksgiving holiday, so really much less than that) and I must squeeze, in that time, a great deal of work in. I am the least senior grad student in the lab and I am acting lab manager, I have roughly 5 of my own projects, a side project and am helping another grad student optimize a protocol. In these 14 days, I need to do at least 2 major experiments (1 for my project, 1 for my side project), make a reagent for the lab (essentially a protein that we all use as a cell labeling tool [a protocol with which I am having a great deal of difficulty]) and work on that optimization i just mentioned. While this may not sound like a difficult series of tasks, I can promise that it is. On my first day back, I walk in to find a puddle of liquid between our refrigerator and our sink. Having rained recently, I check the ceiling for water damage (...nothing). I clean up the mess and soon after, the fridge starts having liquid emanating from the base of it. I notify the lab of the problem and let them know that we may have to move supplies rapidly and soon...so be at the ready. I keep monitoring it, over the 2 days span, it seems to be holding temperature, there is no more liquid, and all is well. It is simply the number of questions about the thing that I find so infuriating.
I wouldn't say that I'm stupid or lack technical skill, but I sure as shit don't know much about refrigerators. Basically, I know where the plug goes, I know what the condenser looks like and I have a rough (and by which I mean sandpaper grit P12) understanding of how the condenser works. The incessant questions about why it is producing water (from goodness knows where) and what we're going to do about it are annoying at best. I've informed everyone of the problem (including my boss) and after that... I don't know anymore. There are 3 people in my lab aside from myself. I don't know how many ways, to how many different people, and how many times I've conveyed this same message. While this seems petty, I know even as I type this it sounds incredibly so, the questions don't just stop there. When things go missing, test subjects have issues, or any question of any kind arises, I seem to be the person to ask. This is of course flattering but also exhausting and impeding. I have my own work to do and stopping to answer questions every 10 minutes puts a damper on my ability to push forward in a given day.
There are times where I just want to look at the other members of my lab and shake them. To yell "I'm not your mother, I'm not here to clean up after you", "I don't know all the answers, make a phone call, do something yourself", and "Not my project, not my problem!" I know that is a harsh but earnestly, it just takes up so much time on any given day. Today was a day full of questions, full of interruptions and full of frustrations.
*Deep breath*
I know I should take it as a sign of my understanding, my knowledge, and my level of involvement in my work, but there are just days where I want to do my work in peace and be left alone.
In other happier news, I have my first First author publication that was accepted (from my master's university) and should be available online soon. While this doesn't help me graduate any faster, it is still a mark of completion and a wonderful conclusion to the work I had done. I'm excited to see that come to fruition and add it to my CV.
I believe this has been sufficiently distracting for one evening, High-ho-high-ho back to work I go.
Wednesday, November 11, 2015
How Did I get here?
As I prepared for my qualifying exam, my P.I. (principal investigator, AKA my boss) told me that he wanted me to begin some experiments with a lab that was on the opposite coast. I was not too keen on the idea as this would mean traveling a great deal prior to my exam and I wanted as much time as possible to prepare. Prior to my exam I had 2 trips planned, each a total of 3 days at a time, taking roughly 9 hours for travel (including layovers and whatnot) each direction. While the turnaround time was short, it left me exhausted and in a perpetual state of panic trying to make a good impression but also trying to get as much knowledge crammed into my brain.
My exam came and went, leaving me with this semi anticlimactic feeling, and I began working on even more projects in the lab than I had before. It was soon time for me to travel again to the other coast but this time for 10 days. As of right now, I'm 7 days in. It has been, a whirlwind of events and I feel almost like I live here now, which is odd. It is surprising how rapidly we adjust to our situations, we adapt much quicker and things become much more commonplace than what I would expect. Everyone from the lab that I am visiting has been both kind and supportive. All of the students, the post-docs, the faculty, all amazing. I feel very at home with them all, they've made me feel incredibly welcome. That doesn't detract from my longing for my home though, regardless of the efforts made by them, I still pining for my fiance, I miss my friends, my family, and my pets. I miss my bed. I miss the freedom of my own kitchen. There are so many things we don't think about and take for granted, and they are as simple as just transporting yourself too and from work....shit I miss my car.
Longing aside, I do find it strange that I find myself on the opposite side of the continent, doing science in a different lab and learning things I never thought I would be doing. In my head, I still see myself as a kid, when I look in the mirror, I see a scared teenager who isn't quite sure what they're doing, but here I am 28 (almost 29 in a few months) and I'm being paid to learn new techniques, to travel, to meet people, and to see the world.
Science has given me a lot and I don't know how I got here. I know I work hard, but so many people do, and don't get the same opportunities. Maybe it is luck, maybe it is something I did or didn't do. I'm not trying to humble brag but it is a weird thing that I'm still coming to terms with. I know that this isn't celebrity, most people in science won't achieve fame or world wide recognition. That being said there are times where I think it is important to take a step back and look at your life and appreciate the opportunities that have been gifted to us. Life is weird, it isn't fair, and it isn't a game that we should let ourselves be observers of. It is a full contact sport and if you don't play hard, you'll get body-checked and be out for a long time. I like taking a timeout to see what the score is, grab some water, catch my breath, and get back in the game. This is one of those moments where I'm looking at the time on the clock, looking at the score, and wondering how things worked out this way. I'm not leading by much, but I have to say, I'm not doing poorly either. There are a lot of teammates to thank (my parents, my fiance, my teachers, my friends) but we aren't even at half time yet. So it is time to dig in and push this thing up another notch.
All in all, it is really cool that I get to be here, doing these things, and I kind of feel like a kid who watched sports from the sidelines...only to have the pros call me onto the field and tell me to play with them. I feel like any second now I'm either going to get hit hard by one of the pros or wake up and find this is all a dream. I guess I'll just have to wait and see...in the meantime, I guess it's time to play ball.
My exam came and went, leaving me with this semi anticlimactic feeling, and I began working on even more projects in the lab than I had before. It was soon time for me to travel again to the other coast but this time for 10 days. As of right now, I'm 7 days in. It has been, a whirlwind of events and I feel almost like I live here now, which is odd. It is surprising how rapidly we adjust to our situations, we adapt much quicker and things become much more commonplace than what I would expect. Everyone from the lab that I am visiting has been both kind and supportive. All of the students, the post-docs, the faculty, all amazing. I feel very at home with them all, they've made me feel incredibly welcome. That doesn't detract from my longing for my home though, regardless of the efforts made by them, I still pining for my fiance, I miss my friends, my family, and my pets. I miss my bed. I miss the freedom of my own kitchen. There are so many things we don't think about and take for granted, and they are as simple as just transporting yourself too and from work....shit I miss my car.
Longing aside, I do find it strange that I find myself on the opposite side of the continent, doing science in a different lab and learning things I never thought I would be doing. In my head, I still see myself as a kid, when I look in the mirror, I see a scared teenager who isn't quite sure what they're doing, but here I am 28 (almost 29 in a few months) and I'm being paid to learn new techniques, to travel, to meet people, and to see the world.
Science has given me a lot and I don't know how I got here. I know I work hard, but so many people do, and don't get the same opportunities. Maybe it is luck, maybe it is something I did or didn't do. I'm not trying to humble brag but it is a weird thing that I'm still coming to terms with. I know that this isn't celebrity, most people in science won't achieve fame or world wide recognition. That being said there are times where I think it is important to take a step back and look at your life and appreciate the opportunities that have been gifted to us. Life is weird, it isn't fair, and it isn't a game that we should let ourselves be observers of. It is a full contact sport and if you don't play hard, you'll get body-checked and be out for a long time. I like taking a timeout to see what the score is, grab some water, catch my breath, and get back in the game. This is one of those moments where I'm looking at the time on the clock, looking at the score, and wondering how things worked out this way. I'm not leading by much, but I have to say, I'm not doing poorly either. There are a lot of teammates to thank (my parents, my fiance, my teachers, my friends) but we aren't even at half time yet. So it is time to dig in and push this thing up another notch.
All in all, it is really cool that I get to be here, doing these things, and I kind of feel like a kid who watched sports from the sidelines...only to have the pros call me onto the field and tell me to play with them. I feel like any second now I'm either going to get hit hard by one of the pros or wake up and find this is all a dream. I guess I'll just have to wait and see...in the meantime, I guess it's time to play ball.
Friday, October 2, 2015
More Work?
I've been back in the lab, post Qualifying Exam now, and the steam is starting to pick back up. The 3 weeks I took away from the lab to study for it weren't really 3 weeks away, but the main focus of my work had stopped. I've begun setting up experiments and getting plans together but since then, I've been added to another 2.5 projects bringing the total up to 5.5. On the one hand, I don't know that I mind that much because it should result in the publications I need to graduate, however, the boss still seems to expect that everything is being moved forward every week and while I've only been back in the lab for 4 weeks, I don't have too much data to show because my experiments take ~45 days to set up and execute. When I'm not working on my main projects, I'm also managing the lab for him (this includes: attending safety meetings, making sure others are trained and follow the safety standards, maintaining lab supplies, managing the lab "chore duty" schedule, making the reagents that we all use) with no additional pay bump (not that I've asked for one). I do see he is a bit more "lenient" with me than the other members, but I still can see the surprise on his face when I don't have "more data" for him from week to week in this past month. I'm not really sure what he is expecting or where else I can improve. It never seems to be good enough. I always get the fatherly disappointed face when I can't remember a paper we discussed over a year ago (journal, authors, year published, main factoid of the paper) which is...exhausting and exasperating. I feel like he has forgotten what it was to be a grad student, or maybe just that his expectations are too high, or maybe a combination of factors but I do know that he pushes us pretty hard with little to no acknowledgement of the times we do perform or do succeed and it gets old.
I'm just starting my 3rd year and I feel like the next 2yrs that I have left are going to be nothing short of brutal. Buckle up and let's get down to business.
I'm just starting my 3rd year and I feel like the next 2yrs that I have left are going to be nothing short of brutal. Buckle up and let's get down to business.
Thursday, September 10, 2015
I meant to keep updating, I really did.
I've meant to keep updating this thing, I swear I did. I promised myself that I would spend 1 hour a week updating this blog, I mean that isn't that much time, right? I also swore to keep running, at least 5 days a week for 30 minutes - 1 hour. Not that much of a time commitment to myself, after all, I deserve some me time, right? I was wrong. I was gravely mistaken.
So, not to make excuses, but let me just review the goings on of the last year.
I took the remaining classes necessary for me to be able to sit for my qualifying exam. I bumped up production of my own project dramatically, took on a back up project and when our lab manager left, I began to assume her duties. Those duties are not trivial ones either and do place a high demand on my time. So when I wasn't in the lab, I was at home studying or reading for class.
In this last year, I also presented a poster in NOLA which was great, my first real poster session since my masters with all the people in the new field I've chosen. As the spring quarter began, I knew that the QE season was upon us. I began trying to get the members of my cohort together to study on a weekly basis, which started out well but quickly petered out. Also, I was asked to take on a collaboration with a lab located on the opposite coast, which meant that I would have to fly to and from on a semi-regular basis to actually do the experiments myself in their facility. While I saw this as an awesome opportunity, I also saw the time commitment it was going to take and I was already concerned about my QE. I voiced my concerns to my boss but he seemed little interested and pushed on. I made 2 trips out to the other coast, each trip lasting a total of 3 days (including travel time) and all requiring layovers. These 2 trips ended up being 8 and 4 weeks before my QE. Needless to say, while I was flying I was also reading and reviewing. In the end, my boss also gave me 3 weeks off to study for the exam and review, I feel like I could have used more time but, it was sufficient.
I would also like to paint a picture of my QE since everyone's is different, and the format itself depends upon the university as well as the department. Mine was a 3 hour exam, split into 2 parts. Part 1 being focused solely on my project, I was supposed to get 20 minutes of uninterrupted time to explain my project's hypothesis, aims, and hypothetical outcomes. After which 5 professors try to poke holes in the project and see how well you can come up with answers based on your knowledge and your background. We then get a 10 minute break, followed by Part 2, which is focused on examining general knowledge of the topic, 2 inside areas, 1 outside area and a designated emphasis (equivalent to a minor as an undergrad). Each of these areas are represented by a professor on your committee and they get to ask you questions until they are satisfied of your knowledge. At the end, they kick you out of the room and deliberate if you demonstrated the knowledge base required to advance towards candidacy. If you don't, you can retake the exam 1 time, if you should not pass, there is no option to "Master out", the university requires removal from the program. So no pressure not pass, right?
From my own experience, I did not feel prepared going into the exam. I knew how much I didn't know and that was terrifying. I knew my project well, but you never know the kinds of questions that will be brought up and what kind of perspective people will bring to the table. I walked out of my exam with my head hanging low, expecting that I had failed. Given how hard the questions were, how persistent they hammered on some topics, I was sure I would have to retake the exam. I began to ask myself what I was doing, why I was even in the program. Was it all a mistake?
Luckily, and I'm sure by the skin of my teeth, I passed. My 10 minute existential crises was for nothing, but it is surprising what those 10 minutes can do to you.
I spent the weekend relaxing and taking time to just...exist without feeling rushed to do something. It was a great 3 day weekend.
My preparation for the QE was exhaustive, the number of papers I read for my topic insane. I also chose to do my outside area on a topic that I actually hadn't taken as a course, so I had 10 weeks of material to learn on my own in a few days worth of time really. The review group that I had set up only made it through a little more than half of the textbook and there were still other areas that needed to be studied. I could feel knowledge oozing from my brain and I felt like my retention rate was diminishing. I'm sure that in the process, in order to make more room, I had to delete memories of my childhood or important information linked to something somewhere...though what it may be, eludes me... as I would expect it would.
As I began back in the lab, I was excited to get started. During all of this QE nonsense, I agreed to take on an undergraduate trainee, take on another collaboration with our department chair's lab, and write a mini review for a journal. I met with my boss yesterday and he put me on another project. So all told, I have about 4 projects to work on and 1 paper to write. Oh, and I had a recent methods paper accepted where I am second author. So...the stress level comes back up to 11 and we're off to the races again.
I have friends visiting this weekend, I fly out on Monday to visit the collaborators, fly back Tuesday afternoon. I have a massive experiment that will span Thursday-Friday and then I catch a flight to go visit my family for the weekend to celebrate my dad's birthday. The pressure won't stop. So much to get done in so little time on so little sleep.
Also, some happy news, I also got engaged last February, marking 5 years together, and I'm sure we'll begin planning the actual wedding soon enough.
So, not to make excuses, but let me just review the goings on of the last year.
I took the remaining classes necessary for me to be able to sit for my qualifying exam. I bumped up production of my own project dramatically, took on a back up project and when our lab manager left, I began to assume her duties. Those duties are not trivial ones either and do place a high demand on my time. So when I wasn't in the lab, I was at home studying or reading for class.
In this last year, I also presented a poster in NOLA which was great, my first real poster session since my masters with all the people in the new field I've chosen. As the spring quarter began, I knew that the QE season was upon us. I began trying to get the members of my cohort together to study on a weekly basis, which started out well but quickly petered out. Also, I was asked to take on a collaboration with a lab located on the opposite coast, which meant that I would have to fly to and from on a semi-regular basis to actually do the experiments myself in their facility. While I saw this as an awesome opportunity, I also saw the time commitment it was going to take and I was already concerned about my QE. I voiced my concerns to my boss but he seemed little interested and pushed on. I made 2 trips out to the other coast, each trip lasting a total of 3 days (including travel time) and all requiring layovers. These 2 trips ended up being 8 and 4 weeks before my QE. Needless to say, while I was flying I was also reading and reviewing. In the end, my boss also gave me 3 weeks off to study for the exam and review, I feel like I could have used more time but, it was sufficient.
I would also like to paint a picture of my QE since everyone's is different, and the format itself depends upon the university as well as the department. Mine was a 3 hour exam, split into 2 parts. Part 1 being focused solely on my project, I was supposed to get 20 minutes of uninterrupted time to explain my project's hypothesis, aims, and hypothetical outcomes. After which 5 professors try to poke holes in the project and see how well you can come up with answers based on your knowledge and your background. We then get a 10 minute break, followed by Part 2, which is focused on examining general knowledge of the topic, 2 inside areas, 1 outside area and a designated emphasis (equivalent to a minor as an undergrad). Each of these areas are represented by a professor on your committee and they get to ask you questions until they are satisfied of your knowledge. At the end, they kick you out of the room and deliberate if you demonstrated the knowledge base required to advance towards candidacy. If you don't, you can retake the exam 1 time, if you should not pass, there is no option to "Master out", the university requires removal from the program. So no pressure not pass, right?
From my own experience, I did not feel prepared going into the exam. I knew how much I didn't know and that was terrifying. I knew my project well, but you never know the kinds of questions that will be brought up and what kind of perspective people will bring to the table. I walked out of my exam with my head hanging low, expecting that I had failed. Given how hard the questions were, how persistent they hammered on some topics, I was sure I would have to retake the exam. I began to ask myself what I was doing, why I was even in the program. Was it all a mistake?
Luckily, and I'm sure by the skin of my teeth, I passed. My 10 minute existential crises was for nothing, but it is surprising what those 10 minutes can do to you.
I spent the weekend relaxing and taking time to just...exist without feeling rushed to do something. It was a great 3 day weekend.
My preparation for the QE was exhaustive, the number of papers I read for my topic insane. I also chose to do my outside area on a topic that I actually hadn't taken as a course, so I had 10 weeks of material to learn on my own in a few days worth of time really. The review group that I had set up only made it through a little more than half of the textbook and there were still other areas that needed to be studied. I could feel knowledge oozing from my brain and I felt like my retention rate was diminishing. I'm sure that in the process, in order to make more room, I had to delete memories of my childhood or important information linked to something somewhere...though what it may be, eludes me... as I would expect it would.
As I began back in the lab, I was excited to get started. During all of this QE nonsense, I agreed to take on an undergraduate trainee, take on another collaboration with our department chair's lab, and write a mini review for a journal. I met with my boss yesterday and he put me on another project. So all told, I have about 4 projects to work on and 1 paper to write. Oh, and I had a recent methods paper accepted where I am second author. So...the stress level comes back up to 11 and we're off to the races again.
I have friends visiting this weekend, I fly out on Monday to visit the collaborators, fly back Tuesday afternoon. I have a massive experiment that will span Thursday-Friday and then I catch a flight to go visit my family for the weekend to celebrate my dad's birthday. The pressure won't stop. So much to get done in so little time on so little sleep.
Also, some happy news, I also got engaged last February, marking 5 years together, and I'm sure we'll begin planning the actual wedding soon enough.
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
In the end it will all be ok
"In the end it will all be okay, if it is not okay, it is not yet the end."
This seems to be the mantra of every grad student.
No seriously.
Everyone seems panicked and trying to find a way to calm themselves down. It is a good quote and luckily it is true. There seem to be a myriad of things that really do bring a student to complete insanity and it is a wonder more of us aren't more screwed up than we are. I mean, who would do what we do for the pay we earn and still think we're "okay"?
Seriously, there seem to be a never ending series of demands placed on our time. There are seminars we have to attend weekly or biweekly. We have classes where we are required to read anywhere from 2-6 papers (primary science journal articles...if you've not read one, I encourage you to try...it takes quite a lot of energy, focus and pure will power to get through them) per class per week (say we take the average of 4 papers and 3 classes and a 10 week quarter, that roughly adds up to about 120 papers...if each paper requires a minimum of 2 hrs to get through that is 420 hours a week at minimum) and we have to plan/execute our experiments. We also have to worry about our funding and writing grants, constantly wondering if grants will get renewed or if we'll have to teach..."what if our PI doesn't get tenure? What if they get a better offer decide to move? Do we have to go to? Will we have to start over again with someone new?" Oh, and on top of it all we are also required to keep an overall 3.2 gpa during this whole process as well. So if we factor in a social/romantic/family life...really there is not much time left for things like cleaning/cooking/sleeping.
They say that there are mental health professionals available exclusively to graduate students, which is great and I can see a need for them. There is a tremendous amount of pressure that we are under and I know a few of my colleagues have sought out there help. Unfortunately, from what they've said...these "professionals" are of little use. They basically instruct my friends to "suck it up" and "find a way to deal" with everything. Great advice...why didn't they think of that?
I do see though that everything does turn out okay. Grants get funded (sometimes just sneaking in). I've seen other PI's get private funding at the last minute. I've seen us all panic before exams only to come out the other side with A's and B's. Each time we hold our breaths a little longer, stress a little more and question what we're doing but everything does turn out fine.
I'm a year away from taking my qualifying exams. I have to start prepping soon. By the end, I'll have to know a textbook backward and forward. Know every aspect of my project and a majority of an "outside" subject that I've yet to select. I see how scared some people look at the idea of even attempting this. But the truth is... I know that by the time I'll be in front of my exam committee, I'll be ready, as will the rest of my cohort. I recall being an undergrad and seeing the Master's students write their theses and thinking to myself "there is no way I could write a book. And that's why I'll never do a Master's or a PhD. I mean, who can talk about science THAT much?!" But it turns out, by the time you get there, you'll be ready to do it. You don't even realize that you are. It sort of happens. You get trained by great professors (if you've chosen wisely) and you work hard for them. It is a total Karate Kid kind of thing. You get Miyagi-ed.
With all of the "wax-on", "wax-off" and "paint the fence"...you learn what you need to know and you can stand before a committee of professors, your peers, and professors that have become your peers...and be able to defend your work.
And for all the worrying that goes on...really, it turns out okay.
So is my message "don't worry"? no... no it is not.
If you're not scared, you're not doing it right. You should be terrified. But everyone needs to remember that the worry will make you better and you'll be okay in the end.
To modify a great quote:
Just keep pipetting, just keep pipetting...just keep pipetting pipetting pipetting. What do we do? We pipette
Till next time. Keep pipetting
This seems to be the mantra of every grad student.
No seriously.
Everyone seems panicked and trying to find a way to calm themselves down. It is a good quote and luckily it is true. There seem to be a myriad of things that really do bring a student to complete insanity and it is a wonder more of us aren't more screwed up than we are. I mean, who would do what we do for the pay we earn and still think we're "okay"?
Seriously, there seem to be a never ending series of demands placed on our time. There are seminars we have to attend weekly or biweekly. We have classes where we are required to read anywhere from 2-6 papers (primary science journal articles...if you've not read one, I encourage you to try...it takes quite a lot of energy, focus and pure will power to get through them) per class per week (say we take the average of 4 papers and 3 classes and a 10 week quarter, that roughly adds up to about 120 papers...if each paper requires a minimum of 2 hrs to get through that is 420 hours a week at minimum) and we have to plan/execute our experiments. We also have to worry about our funding and writing grants, constantly wondering if grants will get renewed or if we'll have to teach..."what if our PI doesn't get tenure? What if they get a better offer decide to move? Do we have to go to? Will we have to start over again with someone new?" Oh, and on top of it all we are also required to keep an overall 3.2 gpa during this whole process as well. So if we factor in a social/romantic/family life...really there is not much time left for things like cleaning/cooking/sleeping.
They say that there are mental health professionals available exclusively to graduate students, which is great and I can see a need for them. There is a tremendous amount of pressure that we are under and I know a few of my colleagues have sought out there help. Unfortunately, from what they've said...these "professionals" are of little use. They basically instruct my friends to "suck it up" and "find a way to deal" with everything. Great advice...why didn't they think of that?
I do see though that everything does turn out okay. Grants get funded (sometimes just sneaking in). I've seen other PI's get private funding at the last minute. I've seen us all panic before exams only to come out the other side with A's and B's. Each time we hold our breaths a little longer, stress a little more and question what we're doing but everything does turn out fine.
I'm a year away from taking my qualifying exams. I have to start prepping soon. By the end, I'll have to know a textbook backward and forward. Know every aspect of my project and a majority of an "outside" subject that I've yet to select. I see how scared some people look at the idea of even attempting this. But the truth is... I know that by the time I'll be in front of my exam committee, I'll be ready, as will the rest of my cohort. I recall being an undergrad and seeing the Master's students write their theses and thinking to myself "there is no way I could write a book. And that's why I'll never do a Master's or a PhD. I mean, who can talk about science THAT much?!" But it turns out, by the time you get there, you'll be ready to do it. You don't even realize that you are. It sort of happens. You get trained by great professors (if you've chosen wisely) and you work hard for them. It is a total Karate Kid kind of thing. You get Miyagi-ed.
With all of the "wax-on", "wax-off" and "paint the fence"...you learn what you need to know and you can stand before a committee of professors, your peers, and professors that have become your peers...and be able to defend your work.
And for all the worrying that goes on...really, it turns out okay.
So is my message "don't worry"? no... no it is not.
If you're not scared, you're not doing it right. You should be terrified. But everyone needs to remember that the worry will make you better and you'll be okay in the end.
To modify a great quote:
Just keep pipetting, just keep pipetting...just keep pipetting pipetting pipetting. What do we do? We pipette
Till next time. Keep pipetting
Friday, May 9, 2014
The first year in review
I've not been writing as religiously as I intended. The beginnings of this program were rocky and I felt I almost lost my footing. Now, my first year as a PhD student is coming to a close, I feel like I've been through so much this since I've moved and began this journey that it couldn't have all taken place in such a short amount of time.
Beginning with home life, I move in with my girlfriend and together we've made a very nice place for ourselves. There are still a few things we'd like to change or do, but living in an apartment definitely limits your options. Living with someone else has taken some adjusting, on both sides, but I think we're cohabit acting quite nicely together.
My girlfriend moved up here with a cat (Abbey) and, back in September/ November, we felt she was getting rather lonely...so we adopted another friend for her to play with. His name is Perry, after the Disney character, due to the loud purring noises he makes and propensity to disappear. He is fun, full of love and a little Derpy. He has become very attached to me in a very short amount of time. He likes to sit in the office with me while I study or read and during my breaks from work I've taught him several tricks (including: sit, stand, shake, lay down, roll over). He also likes to play fetch with us, and occasionally runs around with his tongue hanging out.
The first year of a PhD is filled with classes, seminars, reading and rotations. It seems like they ask you to learn and do so much...way more in fact than anyone actually has time for. We lose a lot of sleep, eat poorly, and exercise less than we'd like. By we, I mean the collective first year cohort. The first quarter we were here, we had 4 classes together and saw each other rather frequently. As the year has progressed, we've begun seeing much less of one another...due to difference in classes and difference in lab locations. The campus and lab spaces are spread throughout two cities so locations of labs do play a role in where you rotate and eventually where you will live during the remainder of your degree here.
My first 2 rotations were in labs located 30ish minutes away by car from main campus. Initially, for my first rotation, I was biking every day to main campus and then taking an inter campus shuttle to the secondary area. This did make commuting rather difficult as the bus stopped running at 7:30 pm. For "normal people" this wouldn't be much of an issue, but for graduate students who live in the lab it does present a problem. My first lab was one that never stopped. Without exaggeration, there was always someone in that lab...24/7 there is someone there. Everyone keeps very different hours and there were no windows in the lab so you rarely felt the pull of night telling you it was time to go home. I began feeling that my commuting via bus was causing tension (having to leave early, so I wouldn't be stuck in a city without a ride home) and so I bought a parking pass and began driving out there. Where this did ease some the stress and tension I still felt like things weren't quite clicking. The research done in this lab involved a lot of cancer biology, a bit of HVGD and some emerging studies with viruses. I felt that the environment was a tough one, but I could thrive there given the opportunity to do so. The PI of the lab was rarely there, living in another state, and relied heavily upon the opinion and information provided to him of his current students. Upon exiting his lab, he stated that he liked my work but had another student rotating with him and needed to give them a shot before offering me a position. I said that I understood and moved on to my next rotation.
My second rotation was in a lab that was also part of a hospital. There were several layers of security and screening to go through just to rotate there. The first 2-3 weeks of my rotation, the PI of the lab wasn't present. He was gone due to an illness and a conference and so I began my rotation very haphazardly. There were conflicting reports of what project I was to work on and who with. Things got off to a very rocky start, but eventually settled down a bit. I found myself working hard and being asked to help with other things, but the research itself wasn't one that really got me excited. It focussed heavily on the immune regulation of arthritis. I wanted to be thrilled and excited about it...I really did. The PI knew it wasn't the area I wanted to go in to and while he liked my work, he acknowledged that fact. As I exited his lab to start my 3 and final rotation the PI of Lab 2 offered me a spot and indicated that I would be free, in his lab, to pursue my interests of infectious models while working on immune regulation of arthritis. I thanked him for the offer and said that I had to give my 3rd rotation a shot before I committed.
Right around the time I was leaving Lab 2, I had heard back from Lab 1 and was told that I would not be offered a position. That did make me a bit worried...I mean, I knew I wasn't the best fit for that lab, but I really wasn't thrilled about Lab 2 and Lab 3 was to have 4 of the 6 graduate students rotating through with only enough money to take on one student. That left me feeling like I had little hope of getting in to Lab 3 and that Lab 2 would really be my only option.
I felt stressed, tired and frustrated. I felt rejected.
I felt stressed, tired and frustrated. I felt rejected.
While most of this was occurring classes were still going on and in the first quarter. One of my classes only had 2 exams...a midterm and a final. I studied hard for the midterm but wasn't prepared for a section and got a C on it. I was eventually called in to the Dept. Chair's office and he asked me what happened, why I wasn't performing and told me I needed to make a change. I felt defeated. I broke down that night. After the final, I knew I hadn't aced the exam, but I didn't fail it either. I got the score back and was excited at first. I got enough points, or so I thought, to earn a B in the class. But the grade on the website said C+... how could that be? Each exam was weighted differently and as such it shifted my grade downward instead of upward. I was crushed. I thought this meant academic probation. Academic probation means no stipend. No stipend means loans. Loans were not an option in my mind...so that meant I was done. What a failure, what a waste...of time, money, energy. What was I going to tell people back home? That was just too much and I was scared. I was never so happy to have my girlfriend with me. She talked me through it, told me everything was going to be okay. And it was. The official grade ended up being a B. I'm sure they curved it so that I wouldn't get a C+ and to keep me off of academic probation...that's the thing they don't tell you when you get into grad school. They don't want you to fail, they've already invested a lot of money in you and don't want you to drop. So they help...where they can. My Second quarter went much better, I was back in the swing of classes, back to studying harder than ever and I got mostly As and a B+.
During my Second quarter my 3rd rotation started. When I began my rotation, the PI indicated that this spot was a highly sought after one and that he tested his students to see how badly they wanted in the lab. The way that he knew that they were passionate about this work was that they would know not only about their projects but about everyone else's as well. I knew I had to be on point. I worked hard, stayed late, slept little, I asked everyone about their project and took notes while they explained. I said yes to whenever anyone needed anything. I made suggestions, I asked for input, I did everything I could. In the end, a week before my rotation was to end, I had a meeting with the PI. He quizzed me, asked me hard questions and each time I answered, I was asked another. It was terrifying. At the end of the meeting, the PI told me he needed to think about things and confer with the current students. I waited almost a week before he sent me an email offering me a position.
The sense of elation was mirrored only by my acceptance to this program. I was in. I had a new home. It meant being in a lab that studies the kind of stuff I want. I didn't have to move to the secondary campus. It meant that things really would work out.
It really was fantastic and I couldn't have been happier.
My third and final quarter of my first year, as I said, is coming to a close in a couple weeks. The second week in June is the week of finals...rapidly approaching and in that time, so much has changed.
My third and final quarter of my first year, as I said, is coming to a close in a couple weeks. The second week in June is the week of finals...rapidly approaching and in that time, so much has changed.
Since moving here, I've flown home a few times to see my family and they've come a few times to see me. It is different, like I knew it would be. My room is still..."my room" but...it is distinctly not at the same time. I miss my parents a lot, and I know they miss me too. It is really hard for my mom. Each time they or I leave, she hugs me tightly and cries. Even when we Skype, she tears up. It is hard being away from my family, but it had to happen sooner or later. At 26, now 27 years old, it was time to move out...time to move on. I lived at home as long as I could and it was time for a new adventure.
With all of these changes, I'm excited and terrified to see what year 2 will bring.
With all of these changes, I'm excited and terrified to see what year 2 will bring.
Hopefully this coming year, I'll be writing more.
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