The First Interview

1/23/13

It is the eve of my first grad school interview and though I have an itinerary of what will follow in the next several days, I am still unsure of what to expect. I have several one-on-one meetings with people on the graduate committee tomorrow and don't know what kind of questions they'll ask, which I find worrisome.

I've met the competition, most of them anyway, and they seem nice enough. Two of the work for a university "Core" facility currently and one is an undergrad. For those unfamiliar, a "Core" facility is just that...a program the university runs that acts as its own autonomous entity (at least to my understanding) that produces research as well as products used for assays for purchase.

Where these students have the ability to do high throughput screening and work, I feel like the process of achieving my masters in a university where I have to write my thesis, puts me at a slight advantage over them; I mean, that is a requirement for a PhD...a thesis defense and several publications. So you have to demonstrate that you can write and produce results, which I think I've shown in my application.

In any case, I've travelled to my destination and as I sit here, reviewing those on the committee I will meet tomorrow (reading some of their research), I think what an interesting moment this really is. I mean, they've paid for me to travel here and stay at a fairly nice hotel for 2 days...that must mean that they are interested in me. Hopefully I don't screw it up too badly.

We'll see what happens tomorrow

1/25/13

The second day of interviews has come to an end and it has been thoroughly exhausting. In 2 days, I've met with countless people and had more food than I am used to eating.

It has all become a whirl wind and I know that it wasn't by accident. It was to showcase only the best parts that this school has to offer and tuck away anything that may detract. Yesterday contained, among many other things, 3 one-on-one meetings with different admissions people; I felt it went daily well, but really, how do you know? Today also contained 3 individual meetings but this time it was with perspective faculty. The first meeting was...not a good fit, nice guy but no funding and I don't know how well we'd interact...he seemed more of a hands off prof. The second meeting went well, I met with a leader in the field who, due to recent funding yrs, also doesn't have funding but was filled with friendly advice and spent a wonderful half hour talking shop. My third and final prospective professor was by far my most fun. Also a leader in her field, she explicitly discussed having me in her program and talked about the work she'd have me do. I have to say, it sounds amazing and I would be very happy to be a part of her research team.

I have arrived back to the airport, earlier than the other students (I requested to be returned prior to the 26th due to a prior commitment). I was told, by two of the organisers, that the decision on my application would be made soon....but I would be very happy.

Here is to a safe flight home

Note:

My flight home was interesting. As I sat at the airport waiting my flight, a candidate from another program at the same university I was just at (whom I'd not met previously) struck up a conversation about the whole process. Quite an interesting single serving friend.

Additionally, I've returned home to find another rejection letter. I do know that it wasn't the school I necessarily wanted, but no one likes getting rejected. I know that, based on the website of another university, if I didn't hear of a request for an interview by today then I would be receiving a rejection notice. Alas, today has come and gone and no email.

Oh well, we do what we can when we can, where we can.

New score:
1 interview completed
1 more to go
4 Nos
5 unknown

Feeling the Pressure

The whole process of moving onto the next chapter of my life is coming to a head and I feel the pressure.

My timescale of events is compacted and severely impacted. Everything is coming, like a 90mph fastball down home plate...the question is, can I hit it?

In three weeks I am supposed to turn in a rough draft of my thesis to my advisor. Three weeks...I am only 20+ pages in...have easily another 50-80 more to go and my time is rapidly dwindling.

I have a graduate school interview at the end of this week...a 2 day long interview and a day for travel, that eats up a lot of time. I've got a concert to see and a 3 day weekend get-away with my girlfriend for our 3 yr anniversary. I see all of the events I've committed myself to and I question why I painted myself into the corner I now find myself in.

Three weeks isn't a lot of time to finish this thing.

On top of it all, I have yet to hear back from the remaining 7 universities. I've looked at their websites and blogs to check for a date when they would be making their decisions known. One is tomorrow and the others are dispersed through out the next several weeks. The anticipation is slowly killing me and is highly distracting. These emails will decide where I spend the next 6+ years of my life; this process is brutal and I want it, so very badly, to be over. I know I have a wonderful support system telling me it will be okay; my parents and girlfriend could not be more supportive, but there is still a lot of doubt.

I know that only time will tell, and in these moments there is nothing to do but to do my best and be productive. Spend the energy I am wasting worrying on my writing or my final areas of research. That would be marvelously useful, and I will do my utmost to do just that.

At times like these...the ones fraught with stress, worry, and the ever present question "what will happen next?"...I reflect on the words from one of my favorite movies, Big Fish:

"I was thinking about death and all. About seeing how you're gonna die. I mean, on one hand, if dying was all you thought about, it could kind of screw you up. But it could kind of help you, couldn't it? Because you'd know that everything else you can survive."

I know that I'll survive it all...I would, I guess, just love to know...I guess I will soon enough.

Planning for Spontaneity

I am a planner.

I plan things. I'm generally not one who leaves much to chance; well, the best I can. I realize the irony of becoming a scientist and not liking surprises. I mean, who does that? To loosely quote M. Cartmill, "This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls."

Scientists are planners, we even plan for failure. We plan what experiments we will do next if the one we are running fails, what parameters to change or what other ways a problem can be studied. It comes with the job, which is why, I think, I make a pretty damn good scientist.

But I really do want to be spontaneous. I watch movies and I see these adults take off, in the middle of the night, or the middle of a work day, to go on some crazy adventure. They never seem to have a worry or care about what will happen if they don't come back on time, or if they don't meet their goals. Maybe that is just all part of Hollywood.

But maybe not. Maybe that has to do with being more free spirited than I allow myself to be.
I do plan to be spontaneous, an oxymoron, I know.

I think about being spontaneous, and when I may do something spontaneous. Really, that just turns into planning. Take for example, spending time with my girlfriend. Sometimes we'll go grocery shopping together and I'll buy her flowers while we're there, a premeditated act to say the least. Generally I know what kind of flowers the market stocks and I keep an eye out for them. The plan to buy her flowers has already been something I've been thinking of for a while and so, since the opportunity presented itself, I decide to act on a thought that I've been having. It seems like we've just passed some flowers and I buy them....but I've been thinking about it for days.

Even now, I'm sitting in my lab, trying to get some work done and I think about taking off on an adventure. Driving to my girlfriend's house, picking her up and going to listen to the sounds of the ocean waves as they crash on the beach. But I stop myself...all I can think of is "You could do that, but it will take 30 minutes to get there, and then how long will you stay? It's already late...she has work in the morning and you have lab work. Best to save that for another time." And so I stay to work...but my bigger question is "WHAT OTHER TIME?!"

How do I stop myself from doing this? Is there some sort of release from this that I am unaware of?

I'm not sure, but I do know that sometimes I wish I could just not plan...just go with the flow and let everything sort itself out. Some people go their whole lives that way and seem completely happy. I know I don't want that much spontaneity, that would drive me insane. But a bit wouldn't be the end of the world.


I guess it boils down, simply, to my being jealous of people who aren't planners. Maybe a side of me that questions science and wants something "less sure."

I think it is just a case of the grass always being greener.

I did spontaneously start writing...I know, I know, a regular wild guy over here

Whatever...
back to research

Accepting that not everyone will accept

I knew, when I began applying for some PhD programs that a few were definitely beyond my reach; that is not to say that I am not qualified, some are just more prestigious than others and as such, more competitive. In the last few days I've received a second request for an interview, definitely a boost to my ego. I've felt that I was on top of the world and clearly I was more competitive than what I believed myself to be. These schools use a pressure technique to get you to come to their school, leaving very little time to make up your mind and respond. Needless to say, so far it has worked... they played a tune and I danced...and I danced happily I might add.

These emails that I have received, thus far, have given no hint as to what lays within the attachments; there is some file usually attached, with a mildly ambiguous title I might add, located at the bottom of a completely vague letter. Much to my surprise they have, thus far, been invitations to visit a program and offered to pay the travel expenses. 

I did, however, receive my very first rejection letter today. A minor blow to my ego, to say the least. Again, the structure of the email followed a very similar format, very mild in tone and unwilling to divulge any information until the attachment was viewed. I saw, however, that this email was slightly different; perhaps the author of it hadn't attended the School of Drafting Graduate Letters, or perhaps he was simply defiant of those old habits. The key word that tipped its hat, winked at me and got my hopes sky high, was the word "decision." 

Part of me knew that it was too soon to have one of those, it couldn't be good news, nothing ever this quick would be. I wanted to believe the best, after all, I had two interviews already; what if this school didn't need to see me in person, what if they just knew I would fit? I think my ego betrayed me here, it let my hopes sky-rocket, see past what I knew and what I felt to be true.

 I tried to open this attachment from my phone, but it was to no avail. This PDF wasn't like others, it was simply stuck in a perpetual state of loading...making no progress beyond 0% (an ominous sign if I've ever seen one). Finally, the anticipation of what lay within this letter was too great and I had to excuse myself from the lunch I was having with my friends to quell the questions that were bubbling inside. My hands were shaking with anticipation and I was so excited to see what this school had to say. I entered my lab and opened my laptop. It took a brief moment to find the email; rather than wasting the time to download the PDF, I simply asked for the "Quick View." As my eyes began to go through the lines, reading about the other applicants, my heart sank.

"I regret to inform you...."

And that removed one of my options.

It wasn't even a school I was particularly enthused to attend...but it was an option, and a high ranking school. Although, until I began this quest for grad school, I hadn't heard of it. But that doesn't matter. I spent time and energy applying and I was sad to see that something I wanted, even distantly, wasn't available. 

It stung and hurt my pride.

But, to quote Mel Brooks' Young Frankenstein, "No, no. Be of good cheer. If science teaches us anything, it is to accept our successes as well as our failures with quiet, dignity and grace." Never mind the thing that immediately follows.

It is, after all, only 1 out of 11. Of the schools that have responded, I am 2/3...good odds so far. I will happily take those opportunities, hope there are a few more to follow, and see where all the dust settles. 

Lesson from this: No one ever gets 100% on everything, first instincts are generally the correct ones, and we all have disappointments. There are many versions of this, but this is what is in my head: We all get knocked down, what matters most is what you do when you get back up

EDIT:

1/10/13
Within the last hour I received a rejection letter from one of the schools I had my heart set on. That notice stung to say the least. It hurt knowing that my dream school didn't see me as a dream applicant. Though I do have faults as a student, I feel that I am a fairly well rounded student. I have several awards, a publication, a fairly high GPA and have attended several big name conferences to present my research. It leaves me asking the question "What more could they want? What do the others have that I don't? What could I have done differently?"

I don't know, and I wont. What I do know, is that I am extremely disappointed. I am, once again, very uncertain of my future in academia. A job in the private sector does seem enticing, especially since, I've received a phone call from a head-hunter for the science community and a few requests for job applications.

New Score: 2 Interviews- 2 Nos- 7 schools unanswered 

Thoughts on the Universe

Though this post is seemingly tangential to the path to a PhD, it is a subject that falls within the scope of this blog. It combines knowledge in science and a bit of philosophy. And since the following occurred while working to obtain my master's degree, I feel that it qualifies to be shared here.

Months ago, one night, as I was studying or reading (the actual event that inspired the thought escapes me now) I had a thought about the origins of the universe. The Big Bang is the event that the scientific community acknowledges created the universe, but science has yet to explain what occurred before this moment. None of the technology we currently have can explain it. We can, however, explain the moments immediately following it. We also know that the universe is ever expanding and growing...an interesting thought really. So beyond the bounds of the growing universe what exists? Nothingness? An absence of matter? It begs a lot of questions that I do not pretend to know or even understand. 

What I do know from my limited knowledge of physics is that something that is expanding will, at some point, slow and reach a maximum. At that point, the expanding will cease and the universe will begin to collapse. A haunting thought really...all that we know, as it exists will fall inward upon itself and the universe will be no more. But I postulate that this really isn't the end...All of the components, the subatomic particles and everything else, that were here at the very beginning will be brought together again. And in that moment, there is the possibility that it will start again. 

And so...I suggest the following. The reason we can't know about the moments before the big bang is because that there was another universe in its place. I argue that the universe expands and collapses, cyclically, in a breathing fashion. When one universe collapses another is born and everything starts anew. There is no real big bang, but a series of them. I see it as rhythmic, perhaps even melodic...beautiful really. 

I've discussed this idea with a few people and they've all commented on how sad that seemed. That the universe, this one we are in, everything that has been, is or will be, is but a breath...it makes life seem trivial to some. Overwhelming and depressing is how it has been described. But I disagree, I think this thought is, and should be, liberating. A single life may not even register as a blip on the radar screen, so what we as individuals do, may not matter in the grand scheme that is the universe. 

Life can be inconsequential. 

That idea should resonate in our minds...it should cause a stir within us; it should mean that at any given moment, we may exist no longer and so we should take advantage of the time we have. Use it to its extent and leave nothing unattempted. There should be nothing holding us back from doing that which makes us truly happy. I'm not advocating recklessness, what I am saying is that the fear that prevents us from stepping outside our comfort zones should be disregarded. 

Though our life may have no greater meaning (in a higher sense, in the universe...etc.), we give it meaning by those we impact with our existence. What we do may leave lasting impressions for only moments...but our actions can have the potential to reach beyond time and touch those in millennia to come. So do nothing and do everything. Make mistakes and take chances...because it all may be just a breath away from being over.

There is, of course no right answer to this, and we'll never know for sure who is right or wrong...it is however, if nothing else, an interesting thought experiment.

Also, check out this from NdT, whose thoughts on life and existence should cause everyone to view life a little differently   

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9D05ej8u-gU