Quite a lot of baggage

This week I've begun packing up my things.

After living in this house for 26 years, I've clearly accumulated quite a lot of stuff. As I place things in boxes to move, others to give away and in bags to throw away, I find myself reflecting on each item. I look at each piece and recall the story behind how that came into my possession. Most have wonderful memories tied to them, some are sad or bitter, and others just receive a confounded look as I ask myself "where did this come from?" or "why did I keep this?" I've held onto some weird things; I've found old homework from the 8th grade, toy robots that will never be played with again and pictures from yesteryear. Some tough decisions have been made about some of this stuff too; there is so much I'd like to keep or to take with me, but I don't see a point. So I am giving away what I can, leaving behind what I can part with, and taking the rest. These boxes do fill up rather quickly though and I feel like the whole house is in chaos. We've done a lot of shopping and had a majority of the furniture we want delivered to my house. It is a sea/maze of boxes in my house.

This whole process of moving has been interesting, introspective and emotional. There are so many things I've seen every day that I will be leaving in my room (for now); it is weird not knowing the next time I'll be back in my own room or what will change between now and then. My parents have upgraded several things in the house in the last few years and it has morphed into quite a different place. I'm curious to see what the next few years will bring for this house and when I return, what will be different.

As more and more of my stuff is leaving my room in boxes, the emptier my room feels and the sadder I get. It hadn't really hit me until I began boxing up some of my clothes, just now, that this was it. This is the first time I've ever moved... I learned to walk in this house and while it will always hold so many memories, the next time I return, this won't really be home. Things will never be the same; I am excited about starting a new chapter in my life but it is hard letting go. The last several nights, as I've said goodnight to my parents, my mom has begun to cry; not only am I the youngest but the relationship between my parents and I has grown into more of a friendship. It is weird seeing your parents as peers, but it is definitely a facet of adulthood that I enjoy; I am aware that not everyone has that kind of relationship with their parents, but some do and they'll understand how cool it can be. They've both come to confide in me, and I in them, and where it is tough not seeing parents it will be hard not seeing my two friends.

This past weekend I had a "See you later party" to see all the friends that could before I leave. It was an open house event, allowing people to arrive at noon and lasting until about 11 pm. I got to spend a bit more time with my (now former) boss, my mix of friends and my family. When the last few people left, we cleaned up and it all felt very surreal. I feel very detached from a lot of what is happening and at the same time I know what is going on and I'm not sure how to respond to it all. Between boxing up my things this week, I am trying to squeeze in a bit of time to see a few people that couldn't make it to my party. I'm going to miss, so very much, seeing everyone and where I know that I'll make new friends, it does little to ease the loss of the old.

Next week, I am to pick up the moving truck. Thursday I am going to drive to pick up the keys to my apartment (~5.5 hr drive...6 if you leave time for gas and a food break) and then fly back home later that night. A week from this coming Saturday I will be driving to my apartment to stay. I'm excited and nervous about it all.

I still have to pack my clothes and to box up my electronics, but I feel like that is a job to do next week.

Time to go meet some friends for lunch.

Till next time.

"Summertime and the livin is easy"

It has been just over a week since I've left the lab.

In the days that followed, I've had several conversations with, now former, labmates about the affairs of the lab. Some of those conversations have even been attempts to bring me back. Where the offers are, of course tempting, I stay my distance.

There have been a great many advances in the process of moving since my last update. I've done lots of homework on several different things for the apartment; purchased a bed, a desk, dining table and chairs, and a dresser. It has been an intense week on my bank account. Though my parents are helping pay for these things, it is still tough to see how much money is being spent. There is still lots to organize. I'm currently working on a new problem that has cropped up with moving and that is PODs versus Trucks. There seems to be an issue that was only just discovered last night and now I am working to see what I can do. It is frustrating and it is also weird. The process of buying all of this stuff... seeing several thousand dollars disappear from my bank accounts or seeing several thousand show up on credit cards, bargaining for lower costs of furniture; these moments have made me feel more like an adult than ever before. All of the problems of packing and delivering, organizing the logistics...it is all rather exhausting and I don't know that I feel mature enough to handle all of it. Sometimes it is all rather overwhelming and I'm not sure I know what I'm doing.

When I've expressed those sentiments to other "adults", they have similar sentiments; which leads me to the conclusion that no one really knows what they're doing, everything is just anyone's best guess most of the time. That is pretty startling.

In the week I have had off, I've accomplished all of that and still found time to read the new Dan Brown book (Inferno). This book was especially enticing because it dealt both with Europe travel (visiting most of the places I had just seen on my trip) and with some interesting questions of population control. I don't think I much cared for the book, it was mildly disappointing, but I thought it was interesting how he brought a very important topic to a very large audience. The issue discussed in the book is very really and very startling. He makes some great points and in the end, I think may broaden some minds.

In the time I have while still at home, I am doing my best to see all of my friends and to relax as much as possible. There have been lots of drinks by the pool and naps. Today is a movie day, followed by dinner and some trivia. I'm excited for a bit of relaxation time before the next storm.

Till next week.

"I Open at the Close"

When I last updated this blog, I was about to leave for Europe for three weeks. It has now been 2 months since my last posting. I had thought about posting, so many times, but the words weren't coming and I always figured I'd find my words tomorrow. A dangerous habit to get into. "Tomorrow" is a dangerous word and I don't like using it. 

So...no longer tomorrow...Today. Now.

Lets begin with my trip through Europe, and then I'll get to the lab stuff 

I've never traveled those distances before, it was nerve wracking to say the least. My flight wasn't so bad; everywhere I landed, they spoke English, which was calming. I was worried I'd have to translate something or figure out what was happening. I had a wonderful experience when I flew on Lufthansa; I highly recommend flying with them given the opportunity. When I landed in Pisa, I had to wait at the airport for 2 hours, till representatives from the conference arrived with the bus. I arrived at the hotel, which was beautiful; it was off, deep in the countryside, and had a view of the valley below. I didn't have much time, so I took a quick shower and headed off to dinner. The meal was delicious (and not just because I had been living on airline food for the past 17+hrs). Immediately following we had the keynote speaker addressing the group; this would have been wonderful had not everyone there been falling asleep from exhaustion. Though I had no trouble sleeping the first night, I did the subsequent 3, waking up at 3-4 in the morning local time, unable to go back to sleep; this was the only part of the conference I did not enjoy. In the week I was at this conference, I met wonderful scientists. I got to hear some great talks, see some interesting science and go on some beautiful walks through the country. Each meal was just as spectacular as the first and in the end, I fell in love with Italy. The week ended with a wine-tasting at a local vineyard and a banquet back at the hotel. That night, one of the most prominent members in the DNA repair field asked to sit next to me at dinner; him and I had a wonderful conversation. It is astonishing to see the how humble this brilliant mind can be; to know the kind of work he does and to still stay so remarkably grounded is something I could only ever wish to obtain. 

At the end of the conference, I headed back to the Pisa airport where I waited for several hours for my girlfriend to arrive. Once she landed, we hailed a taxi and headed for our hotel, located fairly close by. Our room wasn't quite ready, so we walked around for a bit, found some food and came back. We rested for a bit, called home and looked up the local sites. We kept the evening short because we had booked a tour that would last 13 days and we knew we would be fairly exhausted, so we did our best to get as much rest as we could. Our second day in Pisa, we decided to go for a walk and found our way, quite accidentally I might add, at the leaning tower. We walked around a bit, took some photos (no, none of the touristy ones of us supporting the tower) and found a Hop on - Hop off tour bus that we had booked weeks before. This red double-decker bus was a great idea; we hopped on and took the tour a few times before we had decided we had had enough and would like to have lunch. Luckily for us, our tour bus stopped just outside our hotel (which was situated just across the street from the train station). 

The next day we took the train to Rome (and barring a slight error, which cost us an extra 45 euro) we arrived at our hotel with too much trouble. Here we met our tour director and a few of the others that would be traveling with us. From that night on, we did not stop. The trip was a wonderful blur. We saw amazing things. I won't go heavily into specifics, but I will say that in 13 days we went from Rome, to Pisa, to Florence, to Venice, to Innsbruck- Austria, to Liechtenstein, to Luzern- Switzerland, to Paris- France and then into London- England. We met 8 Aussies (4 groups of 2) that were traveling with us, they made this experience so much fun; we had several dinners with them, the conversations and comradery added to the tour. I know we wouldn't have had as wonderful a time had we not met them.

During this trip, I took a total of 2,300+ pictures and combined a good portion of them into 2 photo albums that adequately summarize my trip. They were rather costly (having them printed through iPhoto, for $125 a book) but they are well worth it. I didn't spend much on souvenirs for myself, so those took the place of what I could have bought. 

Last Days in the Lab 

I returned, after the trip, for about 2 months of lab work. I had signed on, 3 years ago, to do some collaborative work with another, more prestigious, university. The initial proposal of work was modest and certainly accomplishable in a short amount of time; however, after they got the first glimpses of the data, they wanted to change the parameters. This required much more time and so, off and on throughout my Master's degree, I have been working on this side project simultaneously. In these last 2 months I spent 10-14 hour days, 6 days a week in a room just large enough to fit a large microscope and 2 computers. I sat and analyzed microscopy images, in the dark for that time. That process begins to take a toll on a person and can leave you grumpy, disgruntled and disjointed. I also saw my time in the lab winding down and I knew that it was also starting to take its toll.

Several weeks ago, two new undergraduate students joined my lab to finish some of the main work I had done as a masters student. This meant preparing things for them and showing them where everything was. I began to feel myself being separated from the things I had invested so much time in; I even felts a bit of resentment towards these new students. I mean, who could love this projects like I did? Who would dedicate themselves, bleed for this lab like I have? None of them would know the struggles of the project, the frustrations, and the accomplishments. I didn't hold that against them, but I was certainly sad to see my project change hands. 

Last Friday I pulled my last all nighter in the lab. 20 hours in that tiny dark room analysing data. I finished at 5 in the morning and walked out, feeling exhausted and freed. There was something that wasn't quite final though. I still had to clean out my space in the lab and tabulate the data. Yesterday I did just that. I began saying my goodbyes to the professors on campus and all the support staff. They've all said that I would be missed, that I had changed the department and how much of an impact I had had on my PI's life. None of that really hit...none of it...until today, when I had packed up the things in my desk, walked to my PI's office, and handed her my keys. She took them and hugged me...tightly for what seemed like forever. I began to tear up, my heart was and is breaking; I now leave behind a home. It will never be the same and I will forever miss being in that lab. I've grown up a lot in these last 6 years; I've traveled the world, I've loved, I've lost, I've studied, I've partied and I've grown. My PI and I have grown close, she has been more than a mentor, but a friend.

I've now left one "home". In another month, I leave my home for grad school. 

I know that, in a very short amount of time, I will return to both places and things will have changed. Both will always be home, but they will no longer be my home and that thought...it breaks my heart even more. I know moving on is good, and it's necessary, but it is hard and I am falling apart. 

So...I'll do my best to smile, say "thank you for the memories" and get excited about what is to come.

'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane

Tomorrow, at this time, I'll be in the sky. Less than 24 hours from now I begin my journey to Italy for a conference. I'm packed (baring a few last toiletries) and ready to go.

I'm definitely nervous about the whole thing. I've traveled on my own before, but this will be the longest trip I've ever been on (3 weeks out of the country), the farthest from home I've ever been, and I will be (for a majority of the trip) in countries where I do not speak the native language. I think that these are fair reasons to be pensive about the experience.

Tomorrow I will begin an arduous journey, taking 3 flights to reach my destination. Once in Italy, I will take a 1.5hr bus to get to my hotel from the airport (hopefully I'll make it through customs in time and wont be late).  I know that I'll feel better once I'm actually at the conference; I'll be there for a week and I feel that it will allow me the opportunity to relax and gain my bearings before the next leg of my trip.

At the conclusion of the conference, I'm again taking a bus back to the airport, but this time it is to meet my girlfriend. We'll have two days in Italy before we need to join our tour group and again once I've joined the tour group, I think both my girlfriend and I will be able to breathe a bit easier because we wont be "in charge."

At the conclusion of this trip, I will have been through 6 countries in total (this includes 1 layover I have...I think any time you set foot on soil, it counts as having been in the country...so I'm including it!).  My parents, for a graduation present, bought me an amazing camera that I'm going to be taking with me on this trip, so I hope to have some great pictures of all the places I visit.

I did graduate this past Tuesday; it was really anticlimactic and the speeches were horrid. As I sat there listening to the "words of wisdom" being offered by the dean of the college, the president of the university and a member of the alumni association, I felt...annoyed at best. I actually felt bad that my parents and girlfriend took time off of work to sit through that. Not everyone is an amazing orator, and I know that, but you would think that these people (all of whom have higher level degrees) could have prepared something a little more...inspirational. The member of the alumni association was vapid at best. Every time he spoke, he said things like "I know how awesome my titles make me sound." I grew weary of him and the crowd. Also, it was anticlimactic because I still have so much work left to do. It will take me quite a while to finish it and I dont really feel like I'm "done."

This trip is a much needed vacation...it will help hit the "reset" button on my outlook toward research and toward my new program. I'm excited for it.

I don't think I'll be updating this (unless there is frequent and free wifi...though I doubt it) for about 3 weeks. I'll post pictures when I'm back and review the trip.

Here is to safe travels, good food and memories that will last my lifetime

"Travel, in the younger sort, is a part of education; in the elder, a part of experience."
-Francis Bacon 

Somethings come and go

10 days from now I leave the country. For the first time in my adult life, I'll be traveling abroad unaccompanied. I wont admit it to most people if they ask it, but I will say it here, I am nervous and a little scared. Not that there is anything wrong with being nervous or scared of travel, but I know that my being worried will make others worry. So I'm trying my best to keep everything together. 10 days from right this very moment, I'll be mid flight. I realize I'm going to several foreign countries where I don't speak the language; I'll be out of my element and have no one near me to rely on for more than a week (my girlfriend will be joining me at the end of my conference). I am excited about the prospect of seeing wonderful new sites, trying new foods, seeing a part of the world that I've never seen before, but there is still so much to do and so much to prepare before I leave. Where I know it will all get done, I can't help but worry about it. 

This trip will come and go, and I will have some wonderful memories... some great pictures and a few months left at home before I move to start my PhD program. The next few months will have a bit of work left in the lab to finish, but it will be confined and will be the last bit of physical work I do in this lab. For years to come I will have papers that I will co-author, but these experiments will be my last. It is time for a new project, a new school, a new life. This chapter has come and gone, 8 years on this campus (5 for an BS in Cellular Molecular Biology and 3 for a Master's in Biochemistry) and I feel... apathetic about it. Sure there were great times had, but I know that I'm not done yet and I know what lay before me. I also think about all the others that have come before me, how many will come after, and I can't help but think how inconsequential my efforts seem. I'm not marginalizing my work, it is important, important to me, important to my boss, important to the field I'm studying... I am merely saying that so many people graduate with my same degree every year... what makes mine so special? I have a hard time with that. A lot of people want me to celebrate the culmination of my efforts, to have a party and have people congratulate me and I don't want that. For all of thee above, I don't. People keep telling me it's a big deal, but it doesn't feel like it and I don't feel like I should be celebrating it. 

Some people also come and go. To quote a 1999 graduation speech "Friends come and go, but with a precious few, you should hold on." Some friends do come and go and I've held on to the ones that mean the most to me. I talk with them frequently, we chat on the phone or text... facebook does help keep everyone abreast of current news in each other's life. Some times, when friends go, it is because of a fight, sometimes people grow apart and sometimes, time happens. What is more painful is when family goes, not because of a death but because of a fight or because you've all grown apart. In the last decade of my life, I've seen fights destroy both sides of my family. Where I was not a part of any particular argument, I still lost family. It hurts knowing that you've personally done nothing wrong and the people who've watched you grow, helped raise you and teach you are no longer in your life. It would be foolish of me to say that I felt alone or victimized; in truth, both sides of the family had tried to contact me post argument. I will say though, that the manner of contact and the things being said led me to feel as if they were attempting to manipulate me into having a relationship with them and so I declined their company. Several years later, I just don't care anymore. I want nothing from them other than to be left alone and so, I've taken steps to cover what I can so that when I leave for my PhD, they will have no way of contacting me. The family I'm keeping, I am choosing to keep. They say you can't pick your family, we'll... that's not really true; my friends have treated me better than my family, my friends are my family. They say the absence of love is not hate, it is indifference. As I write this, I recount the pain they caused, but toward them I am indifferent. They came and left.

Life is changing fast, big things are happening. I feel like this trip is giving me a chance to rest up a bit and the PhD program is giving me the chance to start fresh. 

"Some think it's holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it's letting go." - Sylvia Robinson

Complexity, Beauty, Simplicity

There are so many things I want to post here but I feel like each thing really deserves its own post. I suppose I'll just do some subheadings and split it up. 

Thesis

Yesterday I got the final word that my thesis committee members had no final changes to make to my thesis. As you can imagine, I was thrilled. I uploaded my thesis to the electronic thesis/dissertation website and immediate obtained the physical signatures of my committee on the "signature page". This was then turned in to the Graduate Studies office. As I walked back from the office to my lab, I couldn't help but smile. For the brief walk between office and lab, the air smelled cleaner than ever, the sun showed through the clouds just for me and all was right with the world...just for that moment. That moment was mine. 

I currently am waiting for the "digital" signature of just one member...but that is what stands between me and my degree. This one little click of a button. The deadline for acceptance is the 10th of this month, so in less than 3 days; I have to say, I am antsy. I'm doing my best not to bang down the door of this last professor and ask them what the hell they are waiting for. There are politics everywhere and I know I need to be polite. 

This morning, I took my thesis to be printed at a nearby FedEx/Kinkos. The university requires a very special kind of paper (100% cotton, acid free, water marked) to be used. I bought 500 sheets of this paper about 3 weeks ago now (costing about $40.00). As many of my figures are in color, I had Kinko's print it in color so that all of the figures may be seen in the way I intended them to be; the cost was $0.59/page. I need 4 copies of my thesis which consists of 98 pages in total ($231.28 before tax) which then has to be sent to a binding company ($15.00 to ship to the company) which costs $25.00 to bind a single copy ($100.00). This whole process is horribly expensive, I mean...at this point, I'll pay whatever anyone needs me to pay just to make the thing end, but this is getting a bit out of hand. 

Graduate School

This last weekened (Friday night) my girlfriend and I drove to visit the surrounding area and find apartments. I left campus at 4:40 pm, picked her up at 5:10 pm and we drove till 12:40 am, when we reached a "nearby" city where her friends live. We slept on their pullout couch until 7:00 am, when we got up and drove another hour and a half to get to my future campus. We spent the day searching, meeting with people, asking questions. The last stop of the day, we found this apartment which was really just perfect. In the lobby area, they have carmel popcorn constantly popping and Wednesday's is hotdog day (though I'm a vegetarian, as a former meat eater, I think this is a cool concept). The apartment itself is 920 square feet. It has 2 beds, 1 bathroom, a nice sized kitchen and comes with a washer and dryer. The apartment covers the water bill too. We left the apartment complex to return back to our friend's place and the whole way back, I couldn't help but think of how amazing this complex was. I wanted to apply right there, but knew I should sleep on it, not make any rash decisions. Sunday we drove back home, leaving the area around 10ish am. It took another 7 hours for me to get back to my front door. In total, I drove over 1,000 miles this past weekend; to say that I'm exhausted after such an event would be an understatement. 

While driving back, my girlfriend stumbled upon the reviews of this apartment complex and they were less than complimentary, which I know bothered her (I know because she told me it did). It definitely took the wind out of my sails, but as we looked at the reviews of other places, they all seem to say the same kinds of things. Despite the bad reviews, I was content to apply, but my girlfriend needed more time; in general she tends to take a while to pick something and also isn't a big fan of change, so I was trying to be as patient as possible, but also not wanting to wait too long as we are not far from going on a trip to Europe. I want this whole thing sown up and ready to go before we leave, so there really isn't much time.

Just prior to my starting this update, I submitted my first apartment application. I have a mix of emotions about this really; I'm scared, excited, nervous...to name a few. Having been research assistant for the last several years (being paid to get my Masters while I live at home) I've had the opportunity to save a lot of money, but when you consider my tax info, it doesn't look like I currently make that much; however, I am getting accepted to a PhD program with a hefty stipend, so with my stipend and my girlfriend's income, we should make enough to cover rent two times over. I'm nervous because I've never lived away from home, I've never lived with anyone and I'm really hoping we get this place. I hope this place will take us and treat us well. Obviously, I'm excited for several reasons, I can't wait to move in with my girlfriend and this place looks like it will be great.

Amendment to "Thoughts on the Universe"

As I sat in the dense of another graduate student's thesis, I began once again contemplating the origins of the universe. I was trying to resolve the known theories of its beginnings, unify what I know of multiverse theory and string theory. I was trying to understand what happened to the antimatter that had to have been generated at the beginning moments and answer the question "what is the universe contained in?" For those unfamiliar with these concepts I'll briefly try to provide a background; however, multiverse and string theories, you can look up on your own because they're too long to explain here. As for antimatter, we know that for every particle of matter that exists an opposite particle with opposite charges and opposite spins. When antimatter and matter come in contact, they cancel each other out in a violent manner. During the big bang, it is hypothesized that a large amount of antimatter was generated due to several different circumstances, however, none is left/detectable. Additionally, there is this idea that the universe is contained in something. For those, uninitiated, a vacuum can only be exist in a sealed contained system. In order to maintain this, the universe would have to be contained in something, but how could this be if it is ever expanding? Further, what lies beyond the limits of the universe? What exists in that nothingness? 

My mind was attempting to answer these questions, and then something clicked. What if the universe is like pacman? 

Stay with me here... if you go too far left, you end up back at the right side of the screen and vise-versa. As you progress through the levels, there are other escapes that lead back to the same thing. I began contemplating this, what if the edge of the universe is simply contained in itself? What if it loops back around and the two edges just meet and that is what lies beyond the universe...our universe. I began to twist the images of the known universe in my head and I found the best way to resolve it was to use this 

The Möbius strip is becoming my model to explain the universe. 

At the moment of genesis, there was a large amount of antimatter made, if so, then the antimatter would have come in contact with overlaying Möbius strips, thus annihilating a nearby parallel universe. Further, when one universe expands, it causes another to contract as they are overlaid upon one another and lastly, the universe as we know may contain within it the other known universes in this manner. Each side of the universe is twisted and connected with the opposite side. Each seam would, at its connecting point be expanding, giving rise to the apparent growth and thus, we would be unable to observe what is beyond the universe because, simply, there is no beyond. This infinite loop holds all that is, was and can be along with being connected to parallel forms of itself; when one collapses in on itself, all the matter that was used for its genesis is compacted into on area and thus has the capacity to start again. Similarly, these universes collapse because a universe is growing and has no place else to go, causing the weaker universe to retreat inward. As the collapsed universe is under a tremendous amount of pressure, it eventually will explode with matter and antimatter repeating the process.  

A sigh of relief

The culmination of a 3 year body of work has been defended.
I can exhale now and smile as this huge weight has finally been lifted.

In the hours before my defense (yesterday 4/29/13 at 3:30pm) I was frantically reviewing my notes, practicing slides and trying my best to anticipate all of the questions that may be asked. Though my actual talk only consisted of 38 slides in total (taking 47 minutes to present) I had an additional 40 slides that could have been utilized had anyone asked some difficult questions. I had everything I could imagine listed there and was terrified that a hole in my knowledge would be exposed to the rest of the chemistry department; terrified that they would see, in this last stage of obtaining my master's, that I didn't really belong here.

The room slowly filled with family and friends as the hour drew nearer. I was nervous and excited. It was wonderful to see old friends, a former teacher from my high school and all of the other grad students who came to watch. The faculty slowly filed in, it seemed. The room was packed; normally, during a talk, a room may be 1/4 - 1/2 full. There was standing room only as the time drew nearer.

A professor introduced me and I began speaking. At first, the nervousness was almost unbearable, I was having a hard time remembering what I wanted to say and the way I wanted to say it. As I continued though the nerves subsided. Eventually it was, for the most part, exactly as I had practiced. I stumbled a few times in my speaking, but nothing that was too detrimental. At times I tuned in and out of my own speech. I was on "autopilot" speaking the way I had practiced it many times before alone in my room. About half way through I realized that this all was really happening, that I was in the middle of my defense and it was impressive how real and distant it all felt at the same time.

I looked out into the audience often and saw the faces of those that love me smiling back. It was comforting to see that they were there and happy to see my work. I also saw some very confused faces and it made me think to myself "Oh crap, I've lost these people, they're not following the logic." In truth, you do lose some of your audience as you talk, and I had figured I would. My thesis is a complex story with very difficult logic to follow; as my professor calls it "mental gymnastics."

When I concluded, I thanked the audience and opened the floor for questions. I was asked a few, but none that required the slides I had prepared. They were explanation questions of the slides I had presented; i.e. people wanted another look at a graph or didactic I had provided. Nothing was particularly challenging (with the exception of one theoretical question). I was slightly disappointed that I didn't get to show off the slides I had prepared but was thankful for the cursory level of questioning.

The audience slowly filed out of the room, most stopping to shake my hand and congratulate me. It was definitely a great moment. The only people that stayed behind were my committee members and, once the room was empty, reviewed some changes that needed to be made to my final draft of my thesis. There were no major suggestions or revisions, just some typographical things that needed changing...potentially a change in headings here or there.

Once this committee meeting had concluded we returned to my lab where we celebrated my defense. My professor has a 2 part ritual for such events; a speech and the popping of a cork. My professor gave one of the most touching and heartfelt speeches I've ever seen. She spoke about how long we've known each other, the level of dedication I have, and the person I've become. She began to tear up while talking; I fought back tears and so did she. I've spent 8 years on this campus, 6 of which have been in her lab. I was in one of the first classes she ever taught. Her and I have been through a lot together and it will be tough, for the both of us, to not see each other or work with one another. I'm going to miss this place.  At the conclusion of her speech, I hugged her tightly and said thank you. She then shook a bottle of champaign and I popped the cork in the lab ceiling; I then circled the area, signed and dated it. This honor is reserved only for grad students in the lab. It is a physical representation of the "mark" we've left on the lab.

After which we all talked and celebrated. Elation isn't a strong enough word.

As the after party died down, I changed into some street clothing and my girlfriend, parents and I headed to a baseball game to celebrate. Though the team didn't win, we still had a great time together. It was an amazing night.

I fell asleep last night faster than I have in a long time and awoke with a smile. Something I've not done in years. Now, I sit and make the revisions. I'm one step closer to the final version. One step closer to being done for good. I'm a Master's student...about to become a PhD student...

It is all so close and all so exciting

"Let's get down to business to defeat the" thesis... and those standing in the way of my graduating

There is so much to write about, so much has happened in the last few weeks that I've failed to post on here, the question is, where to begin? I suppose that I should start with the obvious. 

My thesis defense date is less than a week away. Next Monday I will be standing in front of friends, family and the entire Chemistry/Biochemistry department presenting the research I've been conducting over the past several years. Where this is nerve wracking, it isn't as terrifying as the Q&A session that immediately follows. Anything and everything is fair game and sometimes there is nothing you can do but say "I don't know" or "I don't have an answer for that." This, to me, is the worst thing a person can say up there; I mean, in all fairness, I would rather someone admit ignorance than try to proffer an explanation that has no reliable material. I, however, am doing my best to circumvent any potential questions by having more back-up slides with didactic and explanations than I have actual presentation slides. 

I gave a practice talk this last Monday with just my professor listening. It well fairly well; minor corrections and suggestions. She suggested my saying a few things differently, displaying things slightly differently and overall said I had made a huge improvement over the last time I presented it (2 weeks ago). My thesis talk is mostly scripted and memorized, leaving very little time for anything extemporaneous. The talk is supposed to be about 40-45 minutes in length, currently mine is about 47. So I am almost at that mark and I have some more modifications to make...but I'll get there.

Additionally on Monday, my professor gave me another round of revisions of my thesis. These corrections are definitely welcome as I would prefer that my final version is devoid of errors, incorrect information or formatting issues. That being said, she also mentioned to a member of my committee that I have a new version that I'm working on. Apparently said committee member has a lot on their plate and didn't appreciate the fact that I've got a new version of my thesis and have yet to hand it to her. This committee member addressed me yesterday (at a point where I had only been give approximately 24 hrs with this new version) asking for the version in a demanding tone and almost in an accusatory fashion; almost as if she had thought I simply was withholding the newest version out of spite. Having explained the little time I've had with it, she still demanded I hand it to her as soon as possible. I don't appreciate the intonation or the manner in which I was addressed...so...now I'm updating my blog. Score 1 for passive aggressive behavior.

I don't believe I've mentioned previously, but my professor, as a means of a thank you of my service, is sending me to a conference in Italy. Having never left the Americas, I am excited to see what Italy has to offer. I was accepted into the conference and immediately began filing all of the necessary paperwork required by the university for international travel. A daunting and overwhelming experience to say the least, however, it was made easier by discussing this with some of the department staff who guided me through everything. They've been wonderfully supportive and I know I wouldn't have been able to sift through it all without them. 

I'm extending my stay in Italy and my girlfriend is meeting me there. Together, her and I are going to travel for about 2 weeks through several different European countries (with a guided tour group). The whole experience looks like it will be an exciting adventure, exhausting but exciting. I'm glad my adventure buddy will be with me for this. 

Lastly, and most recently, in filing for graduation the university reviews your academic history and sends a summary know as a Degree Audit Report (DAR). Last week I received my DAR and did not look closely at it; however last night I began reading it and saw that one category of my degree had not been fulfilled. Immediately I had to reread the statement and began scanning for an explanation. I searched through out the document and found nothing. I had my parents read it, they too found nothing. Checking the online requirements I found that some of my classes may not have counted. My heart sank and I felt sick. I started recalculating everything trying to see where I've fallen short. In one attempt, I figured that I was about 2 units short. I felt even more ill and began to wonder how, between now and this PhD program, I would be able to fulfill this requirement. Questions like "when would I get this done?", "If you don't get your master's, will the PhD program rescind their offer?" and "how could I've let this happen?" began to fill my head. I spent another hour or so trying to identify what may be preventing my graduation. I finally fell asleep, but awoke this morning remembering the terror of the night before. I got myself into the lab and contacted some personel on campus. Much to my surprise, and my pleasure, it was simply that my "thesis units" have not been assigned a grade. My panic was over nothing and I spent the time worrying needlessly. Anticlimactic, I know, but I finally felt like I could breathe this morning and now can focus, once again on my edits for my thesis.

In less than a week from today...I will have defended my thesis, I will be in the final stages of graduation, and I will let nothing...not even my own procrastination attempts, stand in my way!!!

Onward and upward.

Wish me luck

"I'm in a glass case of emotion!"

This has been one of those crazy weeks; there have been ups, downs and everything in between.

On Sunday night, I pulled an all-nighter, working to complete my second round of revisions on my thesis. As I was doing this, I took a break to reflect upon what my options were for next year. Having only one confirmed acceptance, and having the deadline of April 15th rapidly approaching, I felt that I had no alternative but to sign the letter of acceptance. This meant that I would be moving out of state, to a place where I had no friends or family; I was scared to say the least, my parents were sad and though my girlfriend was being wonderfully supportive, I knew she didn't want to go. But I had to do what was best; so I signed my letter, scanned it and emailed it. My mom was visibly sad, crying at several points in the evening. I finished working on my thesis on Monday morning, having stopped to sleep between 2am and 6:30am, at 11:30am. I raced to campus where I turned it in to my professor and then returned home.

After a brief nap I spent the remainder of the day, and into the next morning, working on the slides I will use to present my thesis. Again, I stayed up working on them till about 2 and started again at 6:30am. I finished putting my slides together around 8am and did what I could to practice delivering my talk. I had a meeting with my advisor to practice these slides with her; I spoke for an hour and spent another 2 reviewing each slide and writing down revisions to them. The whole process was physically and mentally exhausting, but I got some great notes out of the experience and was grateful; these changes will make my talk go smoother and I will be more prepared for the kinds of questions I may be asked at the conclusion of my talk. 

Wednesday I spent the day working on an abstract that, hopefully, will get me sent to Italy at the conclusion of this semester for a week to present the data I've been working so hard to collect. After hours of revisions with my professor, we submitted the abstract. At the conclusion thereof, I paid for graduation, my cap and gown, and paid to have 3 copies of my thesis draft printed for my committee members (about $200 in all for everything). I spent the remainder of my day working on my slides again.

And then...well, and then yesterday happened. 

I entered my lab, again planning to devote most of the day to slide preparation. Early on in the morning I get a message from my best friend letting me know that him and his wife were in the hospital about to deliver their second child. (A brief background, we met in a class and became great friends. Later when he met his wife, I was asked to get ordained and officiate the wedding. He has included me in some pretty huge life events, including the birth of their daughter) This guy has become an older brother and I couldn't be happier or prouder of him. I'm excited for this new growing family. As I was patiently waiting by my phone for updates, I was also working on my slides. I took a brief break to have lunch and when I returned to my computer I had 3 emails. One of which was from the department chair of the school at which I had been wait listed with the subject "Good News."

Immediately, my heart began to race and I had to stop to read the email about 4 or 5 times. I wasn't really sure what I was reading was real. I snorted audibly at the situation. My professor, who was sitting behind me at a microscope heard and asked if I had sneezed. As I began to explain the email, she began celebrating and beaming with pride. My advisor is someone whom I've worked with for the last 6 years; she has become not just an advisor, but a mentor and one helluva friend. I know how excited she is for me and I feel very touched. I sent my family and girlfriend messages letting them know I would be attending my school of my choice. The news began to spread to friends and soon congratulations were coming in from every direction.

I feel like I just won the Lotto. I had just accepted the idea that I would be attending my backup school and settled on the idea. Now everything changed...In a heart beat. "In a New York minute" as the Eagles would say. It is amazing what one piece of information can do to your day. Everything seemed to flip up-sided down.

I couldn't be happier and cannot wait to start this new adventure. It will be in a place where I have plenty of friends, in addition to having my girlfriend with me. She'll have an opportunity to transfer positions (hopefully) to a financial institution which definitely helps with the financial issue of moving.

Now I just need to focus on the finish line.

Thesis defense date: April 29th

Thesis hardcopy due date: May 10th

Graduation date: May 21st

Meeting in Italy: May 25th

Here is to staying on task!

The Deadlines Approach

This will be a brief post as I really do have very little time lately.
I've been working diligently, the last week or so to make the needed corrections to my thesis; however, due to the large number of distractions present in the lab, I've found that I really am not making the necessary progress. I am hoping to have these done within the next few days as I also have to make quite a few corrections to my slides that will be used for my thesis defense. The defense itself is on the 29th of this month, a day that is rapidly approaching. Further, I am also approaching the point of no return with grad schools. My back-up school now appears, as I've mentioned previously, to be The school I will be attending; while I'm still not sure about being wait listed at the others, I will (in all likelihood) accept my current offer and, should the opportunity arrise to attend a different university, rescind my agreement and attend the other. This option is not one I'm fond of, however, it may be in my best interest.

Currently, I'm highly anxious, pensive and agitated  The number of corrections I have to make are extensive and time consuming. Some require more reading of primary literature while others require I construct figures to add to my paper. This is going to take quite a bit of time.

Wish me luck