My last scheduled interview is now over and I must say, I have a mixed set of emotions about the whole experience. I spent Thursday morning traveling and arrived to my destination at 11am; making the most of the time, I unpacked, ironed and caught a quick nap. I awoke starving and made my way down to the lobby to have a quick bite to eat. Eating quickly, I found that I had quit a large amount of time and so I decided to go explore the campus. I walked around for a while, taking pictures and looking at all of the nature surrounding me. It really was quite beautiful there. Several of my friends attend this school and I had plans on the first and second nights to meet them for drinks. Friend "A" called me early and asked if I was already on campus because he had a break; the two of us met up and he showed me his lab as well as around campus. I saw the undergraduates in their natural environment; something quite fun to observe. It was great catching up with him and we planned to meet later for drinks after he was done teaching. I returned to my hotel to read about the professors who I may be meeting with and then grabbed dinner. Having not much to do, I returned to my room and watched a few movies. After drinks with my friend, I figured I would call it a night and that is when my roommate showed up. He was a nice enough guy; he introduced himself and we exchanged pleasantries as he ironed his clothes in preparation for the next day. As soon as he was done, we both called it a night.
The first day of the actual interview was quite rapid. There were several faculty presentations where everything was discussed; from the funding the school receives to the requirements of the students. The faculty then gave a few presentations about their work (lasting several hours). We then were ushered to another building and here 3 more presentations were delivered where the facilities and associated businesses were reviewed. Finally we broke for lunch at 11 and it was at this time other graduate students from the program joined us. It was an excellent time to get to discuss labs and professors with them in an attempt to get their opinions. After lunch we had 2-15 minute interviews; 1 interview involved 3 professors and the other consisted of 3 graduate students. These interviews were conducted in a pannel like form and all asked similar questions. They were:
1) Discuss your current research
2) Why Immunology?
3) Why this school?
4) What do you like to do beyond science?
The other professors of course asked more questions than that and some were definitely more probing. I found the way that I was asked some of questions (i.e. tone or structure) to be mildly off-putting. I was hoping to meet with some of the professors on a one-on-one basis but that didn't seem to happen. After the interviews we were taken on several tours and then shuttled to a professor's house for dinner. Here we talked with more grad students and faculty. Again, I was hoping the faculty whose research I am interested would be present, but alas, they did not show. I returned back to my hotel room around 8 and my other friends took me to downtown to have a few beers and discuss the whole process. It was great seeing them and I gained some wonderful insight into how their university conducts the process.
The second day was much more brief; we began by having breakfast and heard several short lectures from professors about their work. There was then a student poster session, followed by 2 short talks from students about their work. Finally, a winner of the research was awarded, and the program director thanked all those who helped in the planning of the recruitment event. We were then set to have lunch when I got pulled for one more interview by one of the faculty who originally reviewed my application. She again asked almost the identical questions as before. My roommate and I were the only two to have such an experience and it left me wondering why? Of the number of applicants who attended, I have been lead to believe that about 50% of us will be offered admittance. So the question remains in my mind "Was this a good thing to have this additional interview? Was it because they were on the fence about us and they wanted to know more?" I don't know...I hope it went well. I guess we'll see soon.
Now back to the lab to finish experiments and data counting so I can finish, officially, my thesis.
Monday, February 25, 2013
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Next at Bat
In total, it was almost a full week that passed between my initial projected deadline and my actual completion of my first draft. Though I am frustrated by the process, my professor seems supportive and understanding of the situation. I believe that this is something required for being a mentor; a kind of patience that I do not necessarily possess...or have yet to acquire.
Having completed my first draft, I uploaded it to a third party site so that my professor could download it (as it is too big to email) and immediately began putting together data for my thesis committee meeting. I began preparing this presentation at 1:00pm on Sunday afternoon and finished around 1:30am Monday, stopping occasionally for a few food breaks. Though not fully prepared or practiced, I presented my research to my thesis committee at 1:00pm Monday afternoon. Lasting a little longer than an hour and 30 minutes, I was thoroughly exhausted; having stood and spoken for that long, I was glad when I was once again finally able to sit and have some water. The whole process was very similar to a lab meeting where we present our data to our lab-mates, they are allowed to interrupt and as questions through out the process. This, however, I was not necessarily ready for and quite frequently lost my train of thought; something I obviously saw frustrating my professor as she watched me speak. The lesson that I've learned throughout my under/graduate career is that I am not one who can speak extemporaneously about my work. I need practice and time to make sure I get the points out that need to be made in a clear and logical order.
Having completed two major milestones for this week, I took a small break in the form of dinner and a few drinks with my parents before beginning to read a paper that I need to present to my research lab for Wednesday's meeting. This entry serves as yet another break from that endeavour as I find myself trying desperately to stay focussed on the subject at hand, but lacking the energy required. This presentation must be completed by Wednesday evening, before 5pm. The post celebratory event will be to return home only to pack my belongings and prepare myself for the journey of Thursday; I am to travel, once again, to another interview. It too, is a two day process. I may have a roommate and so I do not know that I will be able to record here my adventures. However, I shall, to the best of my abilities, steal away to write when I can and then upload the results.
In the weeks and months yet to come, there are a lot of things to accomplish before I have a final draft of my thesis. There are experiments yet to run and data still to quantify. I don't know how I'll do it all, I am exhausted already and I know I have a marathon to run in less than a month. What will happen next is anyone's guess. I am glad, thus far, that I've committed to writing at least once a week; it has served as an excellent source to vent frustration and exhaustion.
Wish me luck on my interview.
Having completed my first draft, I uploaded it to a third party site so that my professor could download it (as it is too big to email) and immediately began putting together data for my thesis committee meeting. I began preparing this presentation at 1:00pm on Sunday afternoon and finished around 1:30am Monday, stopping occasionally for a few food breaks. Though not fully prepared or practiced, I presented my research to my thesis committee at 1:00pm Monday afternoon. Lasting a little longer than an hour and 30 minutes, I was thoroughly exhausted; having stood and spoken for that long, I was glad when I was once again finally able to sit and have some water. The whole process was very similar to a lab meeting where we present our data to our lab-mates, they are allowed to interrupt and as questions through out the process. This, however, I was not necessarily ready for and quite frequently lost my train of thought; something I obviously saw frustrating my professor as she watched me speak. The lesson that I've learned throughout my under/graduate career is that I am not one who can speak extemporaneously about my work. I need practice and time to make sure I get the points out that need to be made in a clear and logical order.
Having completed two major milestones for this week, I took a small break in the form of dinner and a few drinks with my parents before beginning to read a paper that I need to present to my research lab for Wednesday's meeting. This entry serves as yet another break from that endeavour as I find myself trying desperately to stay focussed on the subject at hand, but lacking the energy required. This presentation must be completed by Wednesday evening, before 5pm. The post celebratory event will be to return home only to pack my belongings and prepare myself for the journey of Thursday; I am to travel, once again, to another interview. It too, is a two day process. I may have a roommate and so I do not know that I will be able to record here my adventures. However, I shall, to the best of my abilities, steal away to write when I can and then upload the results.
In the weeks and months yet to come, there are a lot of things to accomplish before I have a final draft of my thesis. There are experiments yet to run and data still to quantify. I don't know how I'll do it all, I am exhausted already and I know I have a marathon to run in less than a month. What will happen next is anyone's guess. I am glad, thus far, that I've committed to writing at least once a week; it has served as an excellent source to vent frustration and exhaustion.
Wish me luck on my interview.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Missed it by THAT much
To quote Steve Carell..."Missed it by THAT much!!!!"
2 days have passed since my deadline and I have not completed my thesis. This was partially my fault and partially not.
As I was entering the final stretch of what would be my first draft, my computer suddenly became glitchy. Without cause or warning, it wouldn't let me save my thesis. Something was drastically wrong and I didn't know what. Having a Mac, I used the "repair disk utility" to see if something was wrong. A few minutes later I discovered that something indeed had gone awry, but it was fixable and fixed. I opened my thesis once again and began working. Unfortunately, a matter of minutes passed and my work was once again compromised. This time, I was highly suspecting something more malicious to be present causing the damage. I installed a malware search program to identify any wrong-doers and dispose of them accordingly. To my surprise, it was clean. Strange to say the least. As I began the disk repair again, it noted several corruptions, though it said that it was unable to repair the damage as it was running on the OS. I had to restart my computer and repair from the Rescue/Repair menue. Easy enough I thought. Before I restarted though, I saved back-up copies of my thesis and relatable files to Google-Drive (an online storage space...I highly recommend using it). I restarted my computer and ran the disk-repair.
Much to my dismay, there was a hard-disk error that was not repairable. My heart sank and I was sick. It suggested my backing everything up and Formatting my hard-drive. Oddly enough, it would not let me re-enter my computer to do so. I was stuck with what I had saved online and saved on my external hard drive (mostly everything... I routinely backup my hard drive every 10 days out of sheer paranoia for such an event as this). I raced to retrieve my thesis and informed my professor of the damage. Having a very understanding and heartfelt talk, she let me know it was okay and that she understood. Calmly I returned home to begin the process of repair.
I initially restored my computer from a previous back-up point. Not a bad solution, taking ~3 hours to do so, I was back in business and began typing away, working at lost figures/legends and all other manner of thesising. Within a half hour, my computer was once again...down. I decided to do a quick format of the hard drive and re-install everything. Luckily for me, I am a minor packrat and hold on to all of my electronics. I have a spare macbook that I was never willing to part ways with and so, I turned to it, my old and trusty friend. As my newest shiny toy was being stripped of all of its files and reinstalled, I began cautiously working on my old one. As I opened my back-up copies, I found that they too, were not functional and so, the corruption was one far reaching beyond my efforts to prevent such a disaster.
A modest amount of work was achieved as I was...disheartened to say the least. Such an event as this takes a lot out of a person...to see my efforts gone, through no fault of my own...no malicious program...no nothing...I felt scared to begin again and the full force of my passion and brain were not behind this. As the night progressed, I watched as the re-installation of my OS occurred (initially saying it would take 12 hours...and then 6) time dragged on. I decided not much would be accomplished at 11pm and so I closed up shop. I was, however, unable to sleep. I finally was greeted by the Sandman at 2am, only to be stirred awake by my Mac, an hour later, letting me know of its completion. A joyous moment, sure, but not one to be having at 3am. I grabbed my external hard drive and had it begin its process of restoration, replacing every file and program from my most recent backup. Hurray for this.
In the midst of everything. I found that the cause of the corruption was the fact that my thesis was "Too Big." To be clear, my thesis was in the 40-50 page range...however, due to figures and charts, the file size was 30+MB. Indeed a large file. Though Microsoft and Mac deny the claims, there are several forums which clearly describe when a file reaches a certain point in Office 2011, there is a problem that arises and this is it. A permanent hard-disk corruption. There is no alternative but to format it and anything new is lost. As I'm not the only one who has experienced this issue, I feel somewhat consoled and somewhat violated. I am angry with both companies...but mostly Microsoft. Having a prejudice against them, I recognize that I must take this into account, but their program cost me time, and energy...though there was no blood, plenty of tears and sweat were poured over this and it only enrages me further. Mac's Pages does not have this problem and I love them for it.
Most of yesterday was reserved for not writing, as it was my birthday and I felt compelled to enjoy it, as much as I could, despite the tragedy. I removed Microsoft office 2011 from my computer only to find that the version of EndNote I possess would not function with Microsoft 2008. Disgruntled, I removed EndNote and restarted my computer. Alas, components remain and so, today, as I write from my Lab, my newest Mac is once again being Formatted (this time, at the most thorough level...doing a 7-pass sweep to ensure deletion. When I return home, I shall re-install the OS and hopefully continue my work from my newest computer.
Lesson's learned:
1) 1 back up isn't good enough
2) Don't just over-write a old file with a new update. Save Save SAVE
3) Keep old electronics. They may save you
4) Sometimes, you need to sit back, say "FUCK IT" and have some whiskey
Note: I discovered the conflict that caused the corruption to be the cause of an incompatibility between MS 2011 and Time Machine (a program responsible for systematic back-ups on the Mac). This problem normally isn't fatal, however, when a file larger that 30MB is being worked on, it becomes so.
For those who doubt and for those who wish to see for themselves: Microsoft Forum on Autosave/Time Machine
Additionally, I received another "No Thank You" from another school.
New Score:
Yes- 1
Interview - 1
No - 5
Unknown - 4
2 days have passed since my deadline and I have not completed my thesis. This was partially my fault and partially not.
As I was entering the final stretch of what would be my first draft, my computer suddenly became glitchy. Without cause or warning, it wouldn't let me save my thesis. Something was drastically wrong and I didn't know what. Having a Mac, I used the "repair disk utility" to see if something was wrong. A few minutes later I discovered that something indeed had gone awry, but it was fixable and fixed. I opened my thesis once again and began working. Unfortunately, a matter of minutes passed and my work was once again compromised. This time, I was highly suspecting something more malicious to be present causing the damage. I installed a malware search program to identify any wrong-doers and dispose of them accordingly. To my surprise, it was clean. Strange to say the least. As I began the disk repair again, it noted several corruptions, though it said that it was unable to repair the damage as it was running on the OS. I had to restart my computer and repair from the Rescue/Repair menue. Easy enough I thought. Before I restarted though, I saved back-up copies of my thesis and relatable files to Google-Drive (an online storage space...I highly recommend using it). I restarted my computer and ran the disk-repair.
Much to my dismay, there was a hard-disk error that was not repairable. My heart sank and I was sick. It suggested my backing everything up and Formatting my hard-drive. Oddly enough, it would not let me re-enter my computer to do so. I was stuck with what I had saved online and saved on my external hard drive (mostly everything... I routinely backup my hard drive every 10 days out of sheer paranoia for such an event as this). I raced to retrieve my thesis and informed my professor of the damage. Having a very understanding and heartfelt talk, she let me know it was okay and that she understood. Calmly I returned home to begin the process of repair.
I initially restored my computer from a previous back-up point. Not a bad solution, taking ~3 hours to do so, I was back in business and began typing away, working at lost figures/legends and all other manner of thesising. Within a half hour, my computer was once again...down. I decided to do a quick format of the hard drive and re-install everything. Luckily for me, I am a minor packrat and hold on to all of my electronics. I have a spare macbook that I was never willing to part ways with and so, I turned to it, my old and trusty friend. As my newest shiny toy was being stripped of all of its files and reinstalled, I began cautiously working on my old one. As I opened my back-up copies, I found that they too, were not functional and so, the corruption was one far reaching beyond my efforts to prevent such a disaster.
A modest amount of work was achieved as I was...disheartened to say the least. Such an event as this takes a lot out of a person...to see my efforts gone, through no fault of my own...no malicious program...no nothing...I felt scared to begin again and the full force of my passion and brain were not behind this. As the night progressed, I watched as the re-installation of my OS occurred (initially saying it would take 12 hours...and then 6) time dragged on. I decided not much would be accomplished at 11pm and so I closed up shop. I was, however, unable to sleep. I finally was greeted by the Sandman at 2am, only to be stirred awake by my Mac, an hour later, letting me know of its completion. A joyous moment, sure, but not one to be having at 3am. I grabbed my external hard drive and had it begin its process of restoration, replacing every file and program from my most recent backup. Hurray for this.
In the midst of everything. I found that the cause of the corruption was the fact that my thesis was "Too Big." To be clear, my thesis was in the 40-50 page range...however, due to figures and charts, the file size was 30+MB. Indeed a large file. Though Microsoft and Mac deny the claims, there are several forums which clearly describe when a file reaches a certain point in Office 2011, there is a problem that arises and this is it. A permanent hard-disk corruption. There is no alternative but to format it and anything new is lost. As I'm not the only one who has experienced this issue, I feel somewhat consoled and somewhat violated. I am angry with both companies...but mostly Microsoft. Having a prejudice against them, I recognize that I must take this into account, but their program cost me time, and energy...though there was no blood, plenty of tears and sweat were poured over this and it only enrages me further. Mac's Pages does not have this problem and I love them for it.
Most of yesterday was reserved for not writing, as it was my birthday and I felt compelled to enjoy it, as much as I could, despite the tragedy. I removed Microsoft office 2011 from my computer only to find that the version of EndNote I possess would not function with Microsoft 2008. Disgruntled, I removed EndNote and restarted my computer. Alas, components remain and so, today, as I write from my Lab, my newest Mac is once again being Formatted (this time, at the most thorough level...doing a 7-pass sweep to ensure deletion. When I return home, I shall re-install the OS and hopefully continue my work from my newest computer.
Lesson's learned:
1) 1 back up isn't good enough
2) Don't just over-write a old file with a new update. Save Save SAVE
3) Keep old electronics. They may save you
4) Sometimes, you need to sit back, say "FUCK IT" and have some whiskey
Note: I discovered the conflict that caused the corruption to be the cause of an incompatibility between MS 2011 and Time Machine (a program responsible for systematic back-ups on the Mac). This problem normally isn't fatal, however, when a file larger that 30MB is being worked on, it becomes so.
For those who doubt and for those who wish to see for themselves: Microsoft Forum on Autosave/Time Machine
Additionally, I received another "No Thank You" from another school.
New Score:
Yes- 1
Interview - 1
No - 5
Unknown - 4
Thursday, February 7, 2013
First Official Acceptance
Though it came as no surprise to me, and I am aware that may make me sound rather cocky, I received my official first acceptance to a PhD program in Immunology. It happened yesterday, though I had too much to do to really reflect on the idea. I still have quite a bit more that must be done, but I have to say...The idea of going to school, out of state, has definitely grown on me. I'm still waiting to see if I get any other offers before I make my decision, but it feels great knowing that I officially have a position waiting for me if I so choose. It would be tough leaving my home state for roughly 6 years, but there are 2 weeks of allotted time off and I would make every effort I could to return home to visit family and friends.
I have one more interview coming up, which I hope will result in an acceptance letter as well. The deciding factor for me may be what "feels" better. Specifically, what professors I think I could work with for 6 years and not get completely frustrated with and vise-versa.
Time for more reading/thesis stuff
I have one more interview coming up, which I hope will result in an acceptance letter as well. The deciding factor for me may be what "feels" better. Specifically, what professors I think I could work with for 6 years and not get completely frustrated with and vise-versa.
Time for more reading/thesis stuff
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Here Comes Crunch Time
The time left until my first rough draft of my thesis is due is quickly coming up and I've still got quite a lot to do. I'm currently holding at the 30 page mark and focussing my attention on reading articles that will be helpful for the introduction. So far, I'm 7 articles in and have about 40+ more to go. The current dead-line is the 11th of this month. So, I figure if I do nothing but read for the next several days and then spend a couple days writing, I could meet that goal. Of course, I still have to write a discussion section and finish off the results area...but those are minor details. The clock is ticking...
This past weekend, rather than working and stressing on my thesis, was spent celebrating my 3 year anniversary with my girlfriend. It was a wonderful get away and was very much needed. We did nothing but relax, have good food and lots of alcohol. I even scheduled us a couple's massage, so that helped with the stress of what was to come. The scenery was lovely and it made for quite a nice anniversary/valentine's day present.
Also, I've scheduled a meeting with my thesis committee for 1 week after my draft is due to my advisor. This is the prelude to a lab meeting I will have just 2 days after this talk (on a completely different subject). The following day (Feb 21st) I leave for my next interview. So, These next few days...things will be very close and the pressure is on.
On top of all of this, my birthday is coming up, as is valentine's day...so I have several evenings that will be spent with family and my girlfriend which means less time on the presentations. That isn't a bad thing, I mean, no one can work 24/7 on science...you'd just go insane. Well...Tesla could, but he was the exception.
I suppose I've procrastinated reading for long enough and I've fulfilled my requirement to myself of writing once a week.
Back again I go.
Someone wish me luck.
Also, I've scheduled a meeting with my thesis committee for 1 week after my draft is due to my advisor. This is the prelude to a lab meeting I will have just 2 days after this talk (on a completely different subject). The following day (Feb 21st) I leave for my next interview. So, These next few days...things will be very close and the pressure is on.
On top of all of this, my birthday is coming up, as is valentine's day...so I have several evenings that will be spent with family and my girlfriend which means less time on the presentations. That isn't a bad thing, I mean, no one can work 24/7 on science...you'd just go insane. Well...Tesla could, but he was the exception.
I suppose I've procrastinated reading for long enough and I've fulfilled my requirement to myself of writing once a week.
Back again I go.
Someone wish me luck.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
The First Interview
1/23/13
It is the eve of my first grad school interview and though I have an itinerary of what will follow in the next several days, I am still unsure of what to expect. I have several one-on-one meetings with people on the graduate committee tomorrow and don't know what kind of questions they'll ask, which I find worrisome.
I've met the competition, most of them anyway, and they seem nice enough. Two of the work for a university "Core" facility currently and one is an undergrad. For those unfamiliar, a "Core" facility is just that...a program the university runs that acts as its own autonomous entity (at least to my understanding) that produces research as well as products used for assays for purchase.
Where these students have the ability to do high throughput screening and work, I feel like the process of achieving my masters in a university where I have to write my thesis, puts me at a slight advantage over them; I mean, that is a requirement for a PhD...a thesis defense and several publications. So you have to demonstrate that you can write and produce results, which I think I've shown in my application.
In any case, I've travelled to my destination and as I sit here, reviewing those on the committee I will meet tomorrow (reading some of their research), I think what an interesting moment this really is. I mean, they've paid for me to travel here and stay at a fairly nice hotel for 2 days...that must mean that they are interested in me. Hopefully I don't screw it up too badly.
We'll see what happens tomorrow
1/25/13
The second day of interviews has come to an end and it has been thoroughly exhausting. In 2 days, I've met with countless people and had more food than I am used to eating.
It has all become a whirl wind and I know that it wasn't by accident. It was to showcase only the best parts that this school has to offer and tuck away anything that may detract. Yesterday contained, among many other things, 3 one-on-one meetings with different admissions people; I felt it went daily well, but really, how do you know? Today also contained 3 individual meetings but this time it was with perspective faculty. The first meeting was...not a good fit, nice guy but no funding and I don't know how well we'd interact...he seemed more of a hands off prof. The second meeting went well, I met with a leader in the field who, due to recent funding yrs, also doesn't have funding but was filled with friendly advice and spent a wonderful half hour talking shop. My third and final prospective professor was by far my most fun. Also a leader in her field, she explicitly discussed having me in her program and talked about the work she'd have me do. I have to say, it sounds amazing and I would be very happy to be a part of her research team.
I have arrived back to the airport, earlier than the other students (I requested to be returned prior to the 26th due to a prior commitment). I was told, by two of the organisers, that the decision on my application would be made soon....but I would be very happy.
Here is to a safe flight home
Note:
My flight home was interesting. As I sat at the airport waiting my flight, a candidate from another program at the same university I was just at (whom I'd not met previously) struck up a conversation about the whole process. Quite an interesting single serving friend.
Additionally, I've returned home to find another rejection letter. I do know that it wasn't the school I necessarily wanted, but no one likes getting rejected. I know that, based on the website of another university, if I didn't hear of a request for an interview by today then I would be receiving a rejection notice. Alas, today has come and gone and no email.
Oh well, we do what we can when we can, where we can.
New score:
1 interview completed
1 more to go
4 Nos
5 unknown
Monday, January 21, 2013
Feeling the Pressure
The whole process of moving onto the next chapter of my life is coming to a head and I feel the pressure.
My timescale of events is compacted and severely impacted. Everything is coming, like a 90mph fastball down home plate...the question is, can I hit it?
In three weeks I am supposed to turn in a rough draft of my thesis to my advisor. Three weeks...I am only 20+ pages in...have easily another 50-80 more to go and my time is rapidly dwindling.
I have a graduate school interview at the end of this week...a 2 day long interview and a day for travel, that eats up a lot of time. I've got a concert to see and a 3 day weekend get-away with my girlfriend for our 3 yr anniversary. I see all of the events I've committed myself to and I question why I painted myself into the corner I now find myself in.
Three weeks isn't a lot of time to finish this thing.
On top of it all, I have yet to hear back from the remaining 7 universities. I've looked at their websites and blogs to check for a date when they would be making their decisions known. One is tomorrow and the others are dispersed through out the next several weeks. The anticipation is slowly killing me and is highly distracting. These emails will decide where I spend the next 6+ years of my life; this process is brutal and I want it, so very badly, to be over. I know I have a wonderful support system telling me it will be okay; my parents and girlfriend could not be more supportive, but there is still a lot of doubt.
I know that only time will tell, and in these moments there is nothing to do but to do my best and be productive. Spend the energy I am wasting worrying on my writing or my final areas of research. That would be marvelously useful, and I will do my utmost to do just that.
At times like these...the ones fraught with stress, worry, and the ever present question "what will happen next?"...I reflect on the words from one of my favorite movies, Big Fish:
I know that I'll survive it all...I would, I guess, just love to know...I guess I will soon enough.
My timescale of events is compacted and severely impacted. Everything is coming, like a 90mph fastball down home plate...the question is, can I hit it?
In three weeks I am supposed to turn in a rough draft of my thesis to my advisor. Three weeks...I am only 20+ pages in...have easily another 50-80 more to go and my time is rapidly dwindling.
I have a graduate school interview at the end of this week...a 2 day long interview and a day for travel, that eats up a lot of time. I've got a concert to see and a 3 day weekend get-away with my girlfriend for our 3 yr anniversary. I see all of the events I've committed myself to and I question why I painted myself into the corner I now find myself in.
Three weeks isn't a lot of time to finish this thing.
On top of it all, I have yet to hear back from the remaining 7 universities. I've looked at their websites and blogs to check for a date when they would be making their decisions known. One is tomorrow and the others are dispersed through out the next several weeks. The anticipation is slowly killing me and is highly distracting. These emails will decide where I spend the next 6+ years of my life; this process is brutal and I want it, so very badly, to be over. I know I have a wonderful support system telling me it will be okay; my parents and girlfriend could not be more supportive, but there is still a lot of doubt.
I know that only time will tell, and in these moments there is nothing to do but to do my best and be productive. Spend the energy I am wasting worrying on my writing or my final areas of research. That would be marvelously useful, and I will do my utmost to do just that.
At times like these...the ones fraught with stress, worry, and the ever present question "what will happen next?"...I reflect on the words from one of my favorite movies, Big Fish:
"I was thinking about death and all. About seeing how you're gonna die. I mean, on one hand, if dying was all you thought about, it could kind of screw you up. But it could kind of help you, couldn't it? Because you'd know that everything else you can survive."
I know that I'll survive it all...I would, I guess, just love to know...I guess I will soon enough.
Monday, January 14, 2013
Planning for Spontaneity
I am a planner.
I plan things. I'm generally not one who leaves much to chance; well, the best I can. I realize the irony of becoming a scientist and not liking surprises. I mean, who does that? To loosely quote M. Cartmill, "This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls."
Scientists are planners, we even plan for failure. We plan what experiments we will do next if the one we are running fails, what parameters to change or what other ways a problem can be studied. It comes with the job, which is why, I think, I make a pretty damn good scientist.
But I really do want to be spontaneous. I watch movies and I see these adults take off, in the middle of the night, or the middle of a work day, to go on some crazy adventure. They never seem to have a worry or care about what will happen if they don't come back on time, or if they don't meet their goals. Maybe that is just all part of Hollywood.
But maybe not. Maybe that has to do with being more free spirited than I allow myself to be.
I do plan to be spontaneous, an oxymoron, I know.
I think about being spontaneous, and when I may do something spontaneous. Really, that just turns into planning. Take for example, spending time with my girlfriend. Sometimes we'll go grocery shopping together and I'll buy her flowers while we're there, a premeditated act to say the least. Generally I know what kind of flowers the market stocks and I keep an eye out for them. The plan to buy her flowers has already been something I've been thinking of for a while and so, since the opportunity presented itself, I decide to act on a thought that I've been having. It seems like we've just passed some flowers and I buy them....but I've been thinking about it for days.
Even now, I'm sitting in my lab, trying to get some work done and I think about taking off on an adventure. Driving to my girlfriend's house, picking her up and going to listen to the sounds of the ocean waves as they crash on the beach. But I stop myself...all I can think of is "You could do that, but it will take 30 minutes to get there, and then how long will you stay? It's already late...she has work in the morning and you have lab work. Best to save that for another time." And so I stay to work...but my bigger question is "WHAT OTHER TIME?!"
How do I stop myself from doing this? Is there some sort of release from this that I am unaware of?
I'm not sure, but I do know that sometimes I wish I could just not plan...just go with the flow and let everything sort itself out. Some people go their whole lives that way and seem completely happy. I know I don't want that much spontaneity, that would drive me insane. But a bit wouldn't be the end of the world.
I guess it boils down, simply, to my being jealous of people who aren't planners. Maybe a side of me that questions science and wants something "less sure."
I think it is just a case of the grass always being greener.
I did spontaneously start writing...I know, I know, a regular wild guy over here
Whatever...
back to research
I plan things. I'm generally not one who leaves much to chance; well, the best I can. I realize the irony of becoming a scientist and not liking surprises. I mean, who does that? To loosely quote M. Cartmill, "This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls."
Scientists are planners, we even plan for failure. We plan what experiments we will do next if the one we are running fails, what parameters to change or what other ways a problem can be studied. It comes with the job, which is why, I think, I make a pretty damn good scientist.
But I really do want to be spontaneous. I watch movies and I see these adults take off, in the middle of the night, or the middle of a work day, to go on some crazy adventure. They never seem to have a worry or care about what will happen if they don't come back on time, or if they don't meet their goals. Maybe that is just all part of Hollywood.
But maybe not. Maybe that has to do with being more free spirited than I allow myself to be.
I do plan to be spontaneous, an oxymoron, I know.
I think about being spontaneous, and when I may do something spontaneous. Really, that just turns into planning. Take for example, spending time with my girlfriend. Sometimes we'll go grocery shopping together and I'll buy her flowers while we're there, a premeditated act to say the least. Generally I know what kind of flowers the market stocks and I keep an eye out for them. The plan to buy her flowers has already been something I've been thinking of for a while and so, since the opportunity presented itself, I decide to act on a thought that I've been having. It seems like we've just passed some flowers and I buy them....but I've been thinking about it for days.
Even now, I'm sitting in my lab, trying to get some work done and I think about taking off on an adventure. Driving to my girlfriend's house, picking her up and going to listen to the sounds of the ocean waves as they crash on the beach. But I stop myself...all I can think of is "You could do that, but it will take 30 minutes to get there, and then how long will you stay? It's already late...she has work in the morning and you have lab work. Best to save that for another time." And so I stay to work...but my bigger question is "WHAT OTHER TIME?!"
How do I stop myself from doing this? Is there some sort of release from this that I am unaware of?
I'm not sure, but I do know that sometimes I wish I could just not plan...just go with the flow and let everything sort itself out. Some people go their whole lives that way and seem completely happy. I know I don't want that much spontaneity, that would drive me insane. But a bit wouldn't be the end of the world.
I guess it boils down, simply, to my being jealous of people who aren't planners. Maybe a side of me that questions science and wants something "less sure."
I think it is just a case of the grass always being greener.
I did spontaneously start writing...I know, I know, a regular wild guy over here
Whatever...
back to research
Monday, January 7, 2013
Accepting that not everyone will accept
I knew, when I began applying for some PhD programs that a few were definitely beyond my reach; that is not to say that I am not qualified, some are just more prestigious than others and as such, more competitive. In the last few days I've received a second request for an interview, definitely a boost to my ego. I've felt that I was on top of the world and clearly I was more competitive than what I believed myself to be. These schools use a pressure technique to get you to come to their school, leaving very little time to make up your mind and respond. Needless to say, so far it has worked... they played a tune and I danced...and I danced happily I might add.
Lesson from this: No one ever gets 100% on everything, first instincts are generally the correct ones, and we all have disappointments. There are many versions of this, but this is what is in my head: We all get knocked down, what matters most is what you do when you get back up
EDIT:
1/10/13
Within the last hour I received a rejection letter from one of the schools I had my heart set on. That notice stung to say the least. It hurt knowing that my dream school didn't see me as a dream applicant. Though I do have faults as a student, I feel that I am a fairly well rounded student. I have several awards, a publication, a fairly high GPA and have attended several big name conferences to present my research. It leaves me asking the question "What more could they want? What do the others have that I don't? What could I have done differently?"
I don't know, and I wont. What I do know, is that I am extremely disappointed. I am, once again, very uncertain of my future in academia. A job in the private sector does seem enticing, especially since, I've received a phone call from a head-hunter for the science community and a few requests for job applications.
New Score: 2 Interviews- 2 Nos- 7 schools unanswered
These emails that I have received, thus far, have given no hint as to what lays within the attachments; there is some file usually attached, with a mildly ambiguous title I might add, located at the bottom of a completely vague letter. Much to my surprise they have, thus far, been invitations to visit a program and offered to pay the travel expenses.
I did, however, receive my very first rejection letter today. A minor blow to my ego, to say the least. Again, the structure of the email followed a very similar format, very mild in tone and unwilling to divulge any information until the attachment was viewed. I saw, however, that this email was slightly different; perhaps the author of it hadn't attended the School of Drafting Graduate Letters, or perhaps he was simply defiant of those old habits. The key word that tipped its hat, winked at me and got my hopes sky high, was the word "decision."
Part of me knew that it was too soon to have one of those, it couldn't be good news, nothing ever this quick would be. I wanted to believe the best, after all, I had two interviews already; what if this school didn't need to see me in person, what if they just knew I would fit? I think my ego betrayed me here, it let my hopes sky-rocket, see past what I knew and what I felt to be true.
I tried to open this attachment from my phone, but it was to no avail. This PDF wasn't like others, it was simply stuck in a perpetual state of loading...making no progress beyond 0% (an ominous sign if I've ever seen one). Finally, the anticipation of what lay within this letter was too great and I had to excuse myself from the lunch I was having with my friends to quell the questions that were bubbling inside. My hands were shaking with anticipation and I was so excited to see what this school had to say. I entered my lab and opened my laptop. It took a brief moment to find the email; rather than wasting the time to download the PDF, I simply asked for the "Quick View." As my eyes began to go through the lines, reading about the other applicants, my heart sank.
"I regret to inform you...."
And that removed one of my options.
It wasn't even a school I was particularly enthused to attend...but it was an option, and a high ranking school. Although, until I began this quest for grad school, I hadn't heard of it. But that doesn't matter. I spent time and energy applying and I was sad to see that something I wanted, even distantly, wasn't available.
"I regret to inform you...."
And that removed one of my options.
It wasn't even a school I was particularly enthused to attend...but it was an option, and a high ranking school. Although, until I began this quest for grad school, I hadn't heard of it. But that doesn't matter. I spent time and energy applying and I was sad to see that something I wanted, even distantly, wasn't available.
It stung and hurt my pride.
But, to quote Mel Brooks' Young Frankenstein, "No, no. Be of good cheer. If science teaches us anything, it is to accept our successes as well as our failures with quiet, dignity and grace." Never mind the thing that immediately follows.
It is, after all, only 1 out of 11. Of the schools that have responded, I am 2/3...good odds so far. I will happily take those opportunities, hope there are a few more to follow, and see where all the dust settles.
Lesson from this: No one ever gets 100% on everything, first instincts are generally the correct ones, and we all have disappointments. There are many versions of this, but this is what is in my head: We all get knocked down, what matters most is what you do when you get back up
EDIT:
1/10/13
Within the last hour I received a rejection letter from one of the schools I had my heart set on. That notice stung to say the least. It hurt knowing that my dream school didn't see me as a dream applicant. Though I do have faults as a student, I feel that I am a fairly well rounded student. I have several awards, a publication, a fairly high GPA and have attended several big name conferences to present my research. It leaves me asking the question "What more could they want? What do the others have that I don't? What could I have done differently?"
I don't know, and I wont. What I do know, is that I am extremely disappointed. I am, once again, very uncertain of my future in academia. A job in the private sector does seem enticing, especially since, I've received a phone call from a head-hunter for the science community and a few requests for job applications.
New Score: 2 Interviews- 2 Nos- 7 schools unanswered
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Thoughts on the Universe
Though this post is seemingly tangential to the path to a PhD, it is a subject that falls within the scope of this blog. It combines knowledge in science and a bit of philosophy. And since the following occurred while working to obtain my master's degree, I feel that it qualifies to be shared here.
Months ago, one night, as I was studying or reading (the actual event that inspired the thought escapes me now) I had a thought about the origins of the universe. The Big Bang is the event that the scientific community acknowledges created the universe, but science has yet to explain what occurred before this moment. None of the technology we currently have can explain it. We can, however, explain the moments immediately following it. We also know that the universe is ever expanding and growing...an interesting thought really. So beyond the bounds of the growing universe what exists? Nothingness? An absence of matter? It begs a lot of questions that I do not pretend to know or even understand.
What I do know from my limited knowledge of physics is that something that is expanding will, at some point, slow and reach a maximum. At that point, the expanding will cease and the universe will begin to collapse. A haunting thought really...all that we know, as it exists will fall inward upon itself and the universe will be no more. But I postulate that this really isn't the end...All of the components, the subatomic particles and everything else, that were here at the very beginning will be brought together again. And in that moment, there is the possibility that it will start again.
And so...I suggest the following. The reason we can't know about the moments before the big bang is because that there was another universe in its place. I argue that the universe expands and collapses, cyclically, in a breathing fashion. When one universe collapses another is born and everything starts anew. There is no real big bang, but a series of them. I see it as rhythmic, perhaps even melodic...beautiful really.
I've discussed this idea with a few people and they've all commented on how sad that seemed. That the universe, this one we are in, everything that has been, is or will be, is but a breath...it makes life seem trivial to some. Overwhelming and depressing is how it has been described. But I disagree, I think this thought is, and should be, liberating. A single life may not even register as a blip on the radar screen, so what we as individuals do, may not matter in the grand scheme that is the universe.
Life can be inconsequential.
That idea should resonate in our minds...it should cause a stir within us; it should mean that at any given moment, we may exist no longer and so we should take advantage of the time we have. Use it to its extent and leave nothing unattempted. There should be nothing holding us back from doing that which makes us truly happy. I'm not advocating recklessness, what I am saying is that the fear that prevents us from stepping outside our comfort zones should be disregarded.
Though our life may have no greater meaning (in a higher sense, in the universe...etc.), we give it meaning by those we impact with our existence. What we do may leave lasting impressions for only moments...but our actions can have the potential to reach beyond time and touch those in millennia to come. So do nothing and do everything. Make mistakes and take chances...because it all may be just a breath away from being over.
I've discussed this idea with a few people and they've all commented on how sad that seemed. That the universe, this one we are in, everything that has been, is or will be, is but a breath...it makes life seem trivial to some. Overwhelming and depressing is how it has been described. But I disagree, I think this thought is, and should be, liberating. A single life may not even register as a blip on the radar screen, so what we as individuals do, may not matter in the grand scheme that is the universe.
Life can be inconsequential.
That idea should resonate in our minds...it should cause a stir within us; it should mean that at any given moment, we may exist no longer and so we should take advantage of the time we have. Use it to its extent and leave nothing unattempted. There should be nothing holding us back from doing that which makes us truly happy. I'm not advocating recklessness, what I am saying is that the fear that prevents us from stepping outside our comfort zones should be disregarded.
Though our life may have no greater meaning (in a higher sense, in the universe...etc.), we give it meaning by those we impact with our existence. What we do may leave lasting impressions for only moments...but our actions can have the potential to reach beyond time and touch those in millennia to come. So do nothing and do everything. Make mistakes and take chances...because it all may be just a breath away from being over.
There is, of course no right answer to this, and we'll never know for sure who is right or wrong...it is however, if nothing else, an interesting thought experiment.
Also, check out this from NdT, whose thoughts on life and existence should cause everyone to view life a little differently
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