Quite a lot of baggage

This week I've begun packing up my things.

After living in this house for 26 years, I've clearly accumulated quite a lot of stuff. As I place things in boxes to move, others to give away and in bags to throw away, I find myself reflecting on each item. I look at each piece and recall the story behind how that came into my possession. Most have wonderful memories tied to them, some are sad or bitter, and others just receive a confounded look as I ask myself "where did this come from?" or "why did I keep this?" I've held onto some weird things; I've found old homework from the 8th grade, toy robots that will never be played with again and pictures from yesteryear. Some tough decisions have been made about some of this stuff too; there is so much I'd like to keep or to take with me, but I don't see a point. So I am giving away what I can, leaving behind what I can part with, and taking the rest. These boxes do fill up rather quickly though and I feel like the whole house is in chaos. We've done a lot of shopping and had a majority of the furniture we want delivered to my house. It is a sea/maze of boxes in my house.

This whole process of moving has been interesting, introspective and emotional. There are so many things I've seen every day that I will be leaving in my room (for now); it is weird not knowing the next time I'll be back in my own room or what will change between now and then. My parents have upgraded several things in the house in the last few years and it has morphed into quite a different place. I'm curious to see what the next few years will bring for this house and when I return, what will be different.

As more and more of my stuff is leaving my room in boxes, the emptier my room feels and the sadder I get. It hadn't really hit me until I began boxing up some of my clothes, just now, that this was it. This is the first time I've ever moved... I learned to walk in this house and while it will always hold so many memories, the next time I return, this won't really be home. Things will never be the same; I am excited about starting a new chapter in my life but it is hard letting go. The last several nights, as I've said goodnight to my parents, my mom has begun to cry; not only am I the youngest but the relationship between my parents and I has grown into more of a friendship. It is weird seeing your parents as peers, but it is definitely a facet of adulthood that I enjoy; I am aware that not everyone has that kind of relationship with their parents, but some do and they'll understand how cool it can be. They've both come to confide in me, and I in them, and where it is tough not seeing parents it will be hard not seeing my two friends.

This past weekend I had a "See you later party" to see all the friends that could before I leave. It was an open house event, allowing people to arrive at noon and lasting until about 11 pm. I got to spend a bit more time with my (now former) boss, my mix of friends and my family. When the last few people left, we cleaned up and it all felt very surreal. I feel very detached from a lot of what is happening and at the same time I know what is going on and I'm not sure how to respond to it all. Between boxing up my things this week, I am trying to squeeze in a bit of time to see a few people that couldn't make it to my party. I'm going to miss, so very much, seeing everyone and where I know that I'll make new friends, it does little to ease the loss of the old.

Next week, I am to pick up the moving truck. Thursday I am going to drive to pick up the keys to my apartment (~5.5 hr drive...6 if you leave time for gas and a food break) and then fly back home later that night. A week from this coming Saturday I will be driving to my apartment to stay. I'm excited and nervous about it all.

I still have to pack my clothes and to box up my electronics, but I feel like that is a job to do next week.

Time to go meet some friends for lunch.

Till next time.

"Summertime and the livin is easy"

It has been just over a week since I've left the lab.

In the days that followed, I've had several conversations with, now former, labmates about the affairs of the lab. Some of those conversations have even been attempts to bring me back. Where the offers are, of course tempting, I stay my distance.

There have been a great many advances in the process of moving since my last update. I've done lots of homework on several different things for the apartment; purchased a bed, a desk, dining table and chairs, and a dresser. It has been an intense week on my bank account. Though my parents are helping pay for these things, it is still tough to see how much money is being spent. There is still lots to organize. I'm currently working on a new problem that has cropped up with moving and that is PODs versus Trucks. There seems to be an issue that was only just discovered last night and now I am working to see what I can do. It is frustrating and it is also weird. The process of buying all of this stuff... seeing several thousand dollars disappear from my bank accounts or seeing several thousand show up on credit cards, bargaining for lower costs of furniture; these moments have made me feel more like an adult than ever before. All of the problems of packing and delivering, organizing the logistics...it is all rather exhausting and I don't know that I feel mature enough to handle all of it. Sometimes it is all rather overwhelming and I'm not sure I know what I'm doing.

When I've expressed those sentiments to other "adults", they have similar sentiments; which leads me to the conclusion that no one really knows what they're doing, everything is just anyone's best guess most of the time. That is pretty startling.

In the week I have had off, I've accomplished all of that and still found time to read the new Dan Brown book (Inferno). This book was especially enticing because it dealt both with Europe travel (visiting most of the places I had just seen on my trip) and with some interesting questions of population control. I don't think I much cared for the book, it was mildly disappointing, but I thought it was interesting how he brought a very important topic to a very large audience. The issue discussed in the book is very really and very startling. He makes some great points and in the end, I think may broaden some minds.

In the time I have while still at home, I am doing my best to see all of my friends and to relax as much as possible. There have been lots of drinks by the pool and naps. Today is a movie day, followed by dinner and some trivia. I'm excited for a bit of relaxation time before the next storm.

Till next week.

"I Open at the Close"

When I last updated this blog, I was about to leave for Europe for three weeks. It has now been 2 months since my last posting. I had thought about posting, so many times, but the words weren't coming and I always figured I'd find my words tomorrow. A dangerous habit to get into. "Tomorrow" is a dangerous word and I don't like using it. 

So...no longer tomorrow...Today. Now.

Lets begin with my trip through Europe, and then I'll get to the lab stuff 

I've never traveled those distances before, it was nerve wracking to say the least. My flight wasn't so bad; everywhere I landed, they spoke English, which was calming. I was worried I'd have to translate something or figure out what was happening. I had a wonderful experience when I flew on Lufthansa; I highly recommend flying with them given the opportunity. When I landed in Pisa, I had to wait at the airport for 2 hours, till representatives from the conference arrived with the bus. I arrived at the hotel, which was beautiful; it was off, deep in the countryside, and had a view of the valley below. I didn't have much time, so I took a quick shower and headed off to dinner. The meal was delicious (and not just because I had been living on airline food for the past 17+hrs). Immediately following we had the keynote speaker addressing the group; this would have been wonderful had not everyone there been falling asleep from exhaustion. Though I had no trouble sleeping the first night, I did the subsequent 3, waking up at 3-4 in the morning local time, unable to go back to sleep; this was the only part of the conference I did not enjoy. In the week I was at this conference, I met wonderful scientists. I got to hear some great talks, see some interesting science and go on some beautiful walks through the country. Each meal was just as spectacular as the first and in the end, I fell in love with Italy. The week ended with a wine-tasting at a local vineyard and a banquet back at the hotel. That night, one of the most prominent members in the DNA repair field asked to sit next to me at dinner; him and I had a wonderful conversation. It is astonishing to see the how humble this brilliant mind can be; to know the kind of work he does and to still stay so remarkably grounded is something I could only ever wish to obtain. 

At the end of the conference, I headed back to the Pisa airport where I waited for several hours for my girlfriend to arrive. Once she landed, we hailed a taxi and headed for our hotel, located fairly close by. Our room wasn't quite ready, so we walked around for a bit, found some food and came back. We rested for a bit, called home and looked up the local sites. We kept the evening short because we had booked a tour that would last 13 days and we knew we would be fairly exhausted, so we did our best to get as much rest as we could. Our second day in Pisa, we decided to go for a walk and found our way, quite accidentally I might add, at the leaning tower. We walked around a bit, took some photos (no, none of the touristy ones of us supporting the tower) and found a Hop on - Hop off tour bus that we had booked weeks before. This red double-decker bus was a great idea; we hopped on and took the tour a few times before we had decided we had had enough and would like to have lunch. Luckily for us, our tour bus stopped just outside our hotel (which was situated just across the street from the train station). 

The next day we took the train to Rome (and barring a slight error, which cost us an extra 45 euro) we arrived at our hotel with too much trouble. Here we met our tour director and a few of the others that would be traveling with us. From that night on, we did not stop. The trip was a wonderful blur. We saw amazing things. I won't go heavily into specifics, but I will say that in 13 days we went from Rome, to Pisa, to Florence, to Venice, to Innsbruck- Austria, to Liechtenstein, to Luzern- Switzerland, to Paris- France and then into London- England. We met 8 Aussies (4 groups of 2) that were traveling with us, they made this experience so much fun; we had several dinners with them, the conversations and comradery added to the tour. I know we wouldn't have had as wonderful a time had we not met them.

During this trip, I took a total of 2,300+ pictures and combined a good portion of them into 2 photo albums that adequately summarize my trip. They were rather costly (having them printed through iPhoto, for $125 a book) but they are well worth it. I didn't spend much on souvenirs for myself, so those took the place of what I could have bought. 

Last Days in the Lab 

I returned, after the trip, for about 2 months of lab work. I had signed on, 3 years ago, to do some collaborative work with another, more prestigious, university. The initial proposal of work was modest and certainly accomplishable in a short amount of time; however, after they got the first glimpses of the data, they wanted to change the parameters. This required much more time and so, off and on throughout my Master's degree, I have been working on this side project simultaneously. In these last 2 months I spent 10-14 hour days, 6 days a week in a room just large enough to fit a large microscope and 2 computers. I sat and analyzed microscopy images, in the dark for that time. That process begins to take a toll on a person and can leave you grumpy, disgruntled and disjointed. I also saw my time in the lab winding down and I knew that it was also starting to take its toll.

Several weeks ago, two new undergraduate students joined my lab to finish some of the main work I had done as a masters student. This meant preparing things for them and showing them where everything was. I began to feel myself being separated from the things I had invested so much time in; I even felts a bit of resentment towards these new students. I mean, who could love this projects like I did? Who would dedicate themselves, bleed for this lab like I have? None of them would know the struggles of the project, the frustrations, and the accomplishments. I didn't hold that against them, but I was certainly sad to see my project change hands. 

Last Friday I pulled my last all nighter in the lab. 20 hours in that tiny dark room analysing data. I finished at 5 in the morning and walked out, feeling exhausted and freed. There was something that wasn't quite final though. I still had to clean out my space in the lab and tabulate the data. Yesterday I did just that. I began saying my goodbyes to the professors on campus and all the support staff. They've all said that I would be missed, that I had changed the department and how much of an impact I had had on my PI's life. None of that really hit...none of it...until today, when I had packed up the things in my desk, walked to my PI's office, and handed her my keys. She took them and hugged me...tightly for what seemed like forever. I began to tear up, my heart was and is breaking; I now leave behind a home. It will never be the same and I will forever miss being in that lab. I've grown up a lot in these last 6 years; I've traveled the world, I've loved, I've lost, I've studied, I've partied and I've grown. My PI and I have grown close, she has been more than a mentor, but a friend.

I've now left one "home". In another month, I leave my home for grad school. 

I know that, in a very short amount of time, I will return to both places and things will have changed. Both will always be home, but they will no longer be my home and that thought...it breaks my heart even more. I know moving on is good, and it's necessary, but it is hard and I am falling apart. 

So...I'll do my best to smile, say "thank you for the memories" and get excited about what is to come.

'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane

Tomorrow, at this time, I'll be in the sky. Less than 24 hours from now I begin my journey to Italy for a conference. I'm packed (baring a few last toiletries) and ready to go.

I'm definitely nervous about the whole thing. I've traveled on my own before, but this will be the longest trip I've ever been on (3 weeks out of the country), the farthest from home I've ever been, and I will be (for a majority of the trip) in countries where I do not speak the native language. I think that these are fair reasons to be pensive about the experience.

Tomorrow I will begin an arduous journey, taking 3 flights to reach my destination. Once in Italy, I will take a 1.5hr bus to get to my hotel from the airport (hopefully I'll make it through customs in time and wont be late).  I know that I'll feel better once I'm actually at the conference; I'll be there for a week and I feel that it will allow me the opportunity to relax and gain my bearings before the next leg of my trip.

At the conclusion of the conference, I'm again taking a bus back to the airport, but this time it is to meet my girlfriend. We'll have two days in Italy before we need to join our tour group and again once I've joined the tour group, I think both my girlfriend and I will be able to breathe a bit easier because we wont be "in charge."

At the conclusion of this trip, I will have been through 6 countries in total (this includes 1 layover I have...I think any time you set foot on soil, it counts as having been in the country...so I'm including it!).  My parents, for a graduation present, bought me an amazing camera that I'm going to be taking with me on this trip, so I hope to have some great pictures of all the places I visit.

I did graduate this past Tuesday; it was really anticlimactic and the speeches were horrid. As I sat there listening to the "words of wisdom" being offered by the dean of the college, the president of the university and a member of the alumni association, I felt...annoyed at best. I actually felt bad that my parents and girlfriend took time off of work to sit through that. Not everyone is an amazing orator, and I know that, but you would think that these people (all of whom have higher level degrees) could have prepared something a little more...inspirational. The member of the alumni association was vapid at best. Every time he spoke, he said things like "I know how awesome my titles make me sound." I grew weary of him and the crowd. Also, it was anticlimactic because I still have so much work left to do. It will take me quite a while to finish it and I dont really feel like I'm "done."

This trip is a much needed vacation...it will help hit the "reset" button on my outlook toward research and toward my new program. I'm excited for it.

I don't think I'll be updating this (unless there is frequent and free wifi...though I doubt it) for about 3 weeks. I'll post pictures when I'm back and review the trip.

Here is to safe travels, good food and memories that will last my lifetime

"Travel, in the younger sort, is a part of education; in the elder, a part of experience."
-Francis Bacon 

Somethings come and go

10 days from now I leave the country. For the first time in my adult life, I'll be traveling abroad unaccompanied. I wont admit it to most people if they ask it, but I will say it here, I am nervous and a little scared. Not that there is anything wrong with being nervous or scared of travel, but I know that my being worried will make others worry. So I'm trying my best to keep everything together. 10 days from right this very moment, I'll be mid flight. I realize I'm going to several foreign countries where I don't speak the language; I'll be out of my element and have no one near me to rely on for more than a week (my girlfriend will be joining me at the end of my conference). I am excited about the prospect of seeing wonderful new sites, trying new foods, seeing a part of the world that I've never seen before, but there is still so much to do and so much to prepare before I leave. Where I know it will all get done, I can't help but worry about it. 

This trip will come and go, and I will have some wonderful memories... some great pictures and a few months left at home before I move to start my PhD program. The next few months will have a bit of work left in the lab to finish, but it will be confined and will be the last bit of physical work I do in this lab. For years to come I will have papers that I will co-author, but these experiments will be my last. It is time for a new project, a new school, a new life. This chapter has come and gone, 8 years on this campus (5 for an BS in Cellular Molecular Biology and 3 for a Master's in Biochemistry) and I feel... apathetic about it. Sure there were great times had, but I know that I'm not done yet and I know what lay before me. I also think about all the others that have come before me, how many will come after, and I can't help but think how inconsequential my efforts seem. I'm not marginalizing my work, it is important, important to me, important to my boss, important to the field I'm studying... I am merely saying that so many people graduate with my same degree every year... what makes mine so special? I have a hard time with that. A lot of people want me to celebrate the culmination of my efforts, to have a party and have people congratulate me and I don't want that. For all of thee above, I don't. People keep telling me it's a big deal, but it doesn't feel like it and I don't feel like I should be celebrating it. 

Some people also come and go. To quote a 1999 graduation speech "Friends come and go, but with a precious few, you should hold on." Some friends do come and go and I've held on to the ones that mean the most to me. I talk with them frequently, we chat on the phone or text... facebook does help keep everyone abreast of current news in each other's life. Some times, when friends go, it is because of a fight, sometimes people grow apart and sometimes, time happens. What is more painful is when family goes, not because of a death but because of a fight or because you've all grown apart. In the last decade of my life, I've seen fights destroy both sides of my family. Where I was not a part of any particular argument, I still lost family. It hurts knowing that you've personally done nothing wrong and the people who've watched you grow, helped raise you and teach you are no longer in your life. It would be foolish of me to say that I felt alone or victimized; in truth, both sides of the family had tried to contact me post argument. I will say though, that the manner of contact and the things being said led me to feel as if they were attempting to manipulate me into having a relationship with them and so I declined their company. Several years later, I just don't care anymore. I want nothing from them other than to be left alone and so, I've taken steps to cover what I can so that when I leave for my PhD, they will have no way of contacting me. The family I'm keeping, I am choosing to keep. They say you can't pick your family, we'll... that's not really true; my friends have treated me better than my family, my friends are my family. They say the absence of love is not hate, it is indifference. As I write this, I recount the pain they caused, but toward them I am indifferent. They came and left.

Life is changing fast, big things are happening. I feel like this trip is giving me a chance to rest up a bit and the PhD program is giving me the chance to start fresh. 

"Some think it's holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it's letting go." - Sylvia Robinson

Complexity, Beauty, Simplicity

There are so many things I want to post here but I feel like each thing really deserves its own post. I suppose I'll just do some subheadings and split it up. 

Thesis

Yesterday I got the final word that my thesis committee members had no final changes to make to my thesis. As you can imagine, I was thrilled. I uploaded my thesis to the electronic thesis/dissertation website and immediate obtained the physical signatures of my committee on the "signature page". This was then turned in to the Graduate Studies office. As I walked back from the office to my lab, I couldn't help but smile. For the brief walk between office and lab, the air smelled cleaner than ever, the sun showed through the clouds just for me and all was right with the world...just for that moment. That moment was mine. 

I currently am waiting for the "digital" signature of just one member...but that is what stands between me and my degree. This one little click of a button. The deadline for acceptance is the 10th of this month, so in less than 3 days; I have to say, I am antsy. I'm doing my best not to bang down the door of this last professor and ask them what the hell they are waiting for. There are politics everywhere and I know I need to be polite. 

This morning, I took my thesis to be printed at a nearby FedEx/Kinkos. The university requires a very special kind of paper (100% cotton, acid free, water marked) to be used. I bought 500 sheets of this paper about 3 weeks ago now (costing about $40.00). As many of my figures are in color, I had Kinko's print it in color so that all of the figures may be seen in the way I intended them to be; the cost was $0.59/page. I need 4 copies of my thesis which consists of 98 pages in total ($231.28 before tax) which then has to be sent to a binding company ($15.00 to ship to the company) which costs $25.00 to bind a single copy ($100.00). This whole process is horribly expensive, I mean...at this point, I'll pay whatever anyone needs me to pay just to make the thing end, but this is getting a bit out of hand. 

Graduate School

This last weekened (Friday night) my girlfriend and I drove to visit the surrounding area and find apartments. I left campus at 4:40 pm, picked her up at 5:10 pm and we drove till 12:40 am, when we reached a "nearby" city where her friends live. We slept on their pullout couch until 7:00 am, when we got up and drove another hour and a half to get to my future campus. We spent the day searching, meeting with people, asking questions. The last stop of the day, we found this apartment which was really just perfect. In the lobby area, they have carmel popcorn constantly popping and Wednesday's is hotdog day (though I'm a vegetarian, as a former meat eater, I think this is a cool concept). The apartment itself is 920 square feet. It has 2 beds, 1 bathroom, a nice sized kitchen and comes with a washer and dryer. The apartment covers the water bill too. We left the apartment complex to return back to our friend's place and the whole way back, I couldn't help but think of how amazing this complex was. I wanted to apply right there, but knew I should sleep on it, not make any rash decisions. Sunday we drove back home, leaving the area around 10ish am. It took another 7 hours for me to get back to my front door. In total, I drove over 1,000 miles this past weekend; to say that I'm exhausted after such an event would be an understatement. 

While driving back, my girlfriend stumbled upon the reviews of this apartment complex and they were less than complimentary, which I know bothered her (I know because she told me it did). It definitely took the wind out of my sails, but as we looked at the reviews of other places, they all seem to say the same kinds of things. Despite the bad reviews, I was content to apply, but my girlfriend needed more time; in general she tends to take a while to pick something and also isn't a big fan of change, so I was trying to be as patient as possible, but also not wanting to wait too long as we are not far from going on a trip to Europe. I want this whole thing sown up and ready to go before we leave, so there really isn't much time.

Just prior to my starting this update, I submitted my first apartment application. I have a mix of emotions about this really; I'm scared, excited, nervous...to name a few. Having been research assistant for the last several years (being paid to get my Masters while I live at home) I've had the opportunity to save a lot of money, but when you consider my tax info, it doesn't look like I currently make that much; however, I am getting accepted to a PhD program with a hefty stipend, so with my stipend and my girlfriend's income, we should make enough to cover rent two times over. I'm nervous because I've never lived away from home, I've never lived with anyone and I'm really hoping we get this place. I hope this place will take us and treat us well. Obviously, I'm excited for several reasons, I can't wait to move in with my girlfriend and this place looks like it will be great.

Amendment to "Thoughts on the Universe"

As I sat in the dense of another graduate student's thesis, I began once again contemplating the origins of the universe. I was trying to resolve the known theories of its beginnings, unify what I know of multiverse theory and string theory. I was trying to understand what happened to the antimatter that had to have been generated at the beginning moments and answer the question "what is the universe contained in?" For those unfamiliar with these concepts I'll briefly try to provide a background; however, multiverse and string theories, you can look up on your own because they're too long to explain here. As for antimatter, we know that for every particle of matter that exists an opposite particle with opposite charges and opposite spins. When antimatter and matter come in contact, they cancel each other out in a violent manner. During the big bang, it is hypothesized that a large amount of antimatter was generated due to several different circumstances, however, none is left/detectable. Additionally, there is this idea that the universe is contained in something. For those, uninitiated, a vacuum can only be exist in a sealed contained system. In order to maintain this, the universe would have to be contained in something, but how could this be if it is ever expanding? Further, what lies beyond the limits of the universe? What exists in that nothingness? 

My mind was attempting to answer these questions, and then something clicked. What if the universe is like pacman? 

Stay with me here... if you go too far left, you end up back at the right side of the screen and vise-versa. As you progress through the levels, there are other escapes that lead back to the same thing. I began contemplating this, what if the edge of the universe is simply contained in itself? What if it loops back around and the two edges just meet and that is what lies beyond the universe...our universe. I began to twist the images of the known universe in my head and I found the best way to resolve it was to use this 

The Möbius strip is becoming my model to explain the universe. 

At the moment of genesis, there was a large amount of antimatter made, if so, then the antimatter would have come in contact with overlaying Möbius strips, thus annihilating a nearby parallel universe. Further, when one universe expands, it causes another to contract as they are overlaid upon one another and lastly, the universe as we know may contain within it the other known universes in this manner. Each side of the universe is twisted and connected with the opposite side. Each seam would, at its connecting point be expanding, giving rise to the apparent growth and thus, we would be unable to observe what is beyond the universe because, simply, there is no beyond. This infinite loop holds all that is, was and can be along with being connected to parallel forms of itself; when one collapses in on itself, all the matter that was used for its genesis is compacted into on area and thus has the capacity to start again. Similarly, these universes collapse because a universe is growing and has no place else to go, causing the weaker universe to retreat inward. As the collapsed universe is under a tremendous amount of pressure, it eventually will explode with matter and antimatter repeating the process.  

A sigh of relief

The culmination of a 3 year body of work has been defended.
I can exhale now and smile as this huge weight has finally been lifted.

In the hours before my defense (yesterday 4/29/13 at 3:30pm) I was frantically reviewing my notes, practicing slides and trying my best to anticipate all of the questions that may be asked. Though my actual talk only consisted of 38 slides in total (taking 47 minutes to present) I had an additional 40 slides that could have been utilized had anyone asked some difficult questions. I had everything I could imagine listed there and was terrified that a hole in my knowledge would be exposed to the rest of the chemistry department; terrified that they would see, in this last stage of obtaining my master's, that I didn't really belong here.

The room slowly filled with family and friends as the hour drew nearer. I was nervous and excited. It was wonderful to see old friends, a former teacher from my high school and all of the other grad students who came to watch. The faculty slowly filed in, it seemed. The room was packed; normally, during a talk, a room may be 1/4 - 1/2 full. There was standing room only as the time drew nearer.

A professor introduced me and I began speaking. At first, the nervousness was almost unbearable, I was having a hard time remembering what I wanted to say and the way I wanted to say it. As I continued though the nerves subsided. Eventually it was, for the most part, exactly as I had practiced. I stumbled a few times in my speaking, but nothing that was too detrimental. At times I tuned in and out of my own speech. I was on "autopilot" speaking the way I had practiced it many times before alone in my room. About half way through I realized that this all was really happening, that I was in the middle of my defense and it was impressive how real and distant it all felt at the same time.

I looked out into the audience often and saw the faces of those that love me smiling back. It was comforting to see that they were there and happy to see my work. I also saw some very confused faces and it made me think to myself "Oh crap, I've lost these people, they're not following the logic." In truth, you do lose some of your audience as you talk, and I had figured I would. My thesis is a complex story with very difficult logic to follow; as my professor calls it "mental gymnastics."

When I concluded, I thanked the audience and opened the floor for questions. I was asked a few, but none that required the slides I had prepared. They were explanation questions of the slides I had presented; i.e. people wanted another look at a graph or didactic I had provided. Nothing was particularly challenging (with the exception of one theoretical question). I was slightly disappointed that I didn't get to show off the slides I had prepared but was thankful for the cursory level of questioning.

The audience slowly filed out of the room, most stopping to shake my hand and congratulate me. It was definitely a great moment. The only people that stayed behind were my committee members and, once the room was empty, reviewed some changes that needed to be made to my final draft of my thesis. There were no major suggestions or revisions, just some typographical things that needed changing...potentially a change in headings here or there.

Once this committee meeting had concluded we returned to my lab where we celebrated my defense. My professor has a 2 part ritual for such events; a speech and the popping of a cork. My professor gave one of the most touching and heartfelt speeches I've ever seen. She spoke about how long we've known each other, the level of dedication I have, and the person I've become. She began to tear up while talking; I fought back tears and so did she. I've spent 8 years on this campus, 6 of which have been in her lab. I was in one of the first classes she ever taught. Her and I have been through a lot together and it will be tough, for the both of us, to not see each other or work with one another. I'm going to miss this place.  At the conclusion of her speech, I hugged her tightly and said thank you. She then shook a bottle of champaign and I popped the cork in the lab ceiling; I then circled the area, signed and dated it. This honor is reserved only for grad students in the lab. It is a physical representation of the "mark" we've left on the lab.

After which we all talked and celebrated. Elation isn't a strong enough word.

As the after party died down, I changed into some street clothing and my girlfriend, parents and I headed to a baseball game to celebrate. Though the team didn't win, we still had a great time together. It was an amazing night.

I fell asleep last night faster than I have in a long time and awoke with a smile. Something I've not done in years. Now, I sit and make the revisions. I'm one step closer to the final version. One step closer to being done for good. I'm a Master's student...about to become a PhD student...

It is all so close and all so exciting

"Let's get down to business to defeat the" thesis... and those standing in the way of my graduating

There is so much to write about, so much has happened in the last few weeks that I've failed to post on here, the question is, where to begin? I suppose that I should start with the obvious. 

My thesis defense date is less than a week away. Next Monday I will be standing in front of friends, family and the entire Chemistry/Biochemistry department presenting the research I've been conducting over the past several years. Where this is nerve wracking, it isn't as terrifying as the Q&A session that immediately follows. Anything and everything is fair game and sometimes there is nothing you can do but say "I don't know" or "I don't have an answer for that." This, to me, is the worst thing a person can say up there; I mean, in all fairness, I would rather someone admit ignorance than try to proffer an explanation that has no reliable material. I, however, am doing my best to circumvent any potential questions by having more back-up slides with didactic and explanations than I have actual presentation slides. 

I gave a practice talk this last Monday with just my professor listening. It well fairly well; minor corrections and suggestions. She suggested my saying a few things differently, displaying things slightly differently and overall said I had made a huge improvement over the last time I presented it (2 weeks ago). My thesis talk is mostly scripted and memorized, leaving very little time for anything extemporaneous. The talk is supposed to be about 40-45 minutes in length, currently mine is about 47. So I am almost at that mark and I have some more modifications to make...but I'll get there.

Additionally on Monday, my professor gave me another round of revisions of my thesis. These corrections are definitely welcome as I would prefer that my final version is devoid of errors, incorrect information or formatting issues. That being said, she also mentioned to a member of my committee that I have a new version that I'm working on. Apparently said committee member has a lot on their plate and didn't appreciate the fact that I've got a new version of my thesis and have yet to hand it to her. This committee member addressed me yesterday (at a point where I had only been give approximately 24 hrs with this new version) asking for the version in a demanding tone and almost in an accusatory fashion; almost as if she had thought I simply was withholding the newest version out of spite. Having explained the little time I've had with it, she still demanded I hand it to her as soon as possible. I don't appreciate the intonation or the manner in which I was addressed...so...now I'm updating my blog. Score 1 for passive aggressive behavior.

I don't believe I've mentioned previously, but my professor, as a means of a thank you of my service, is sending me to a conference in Italy. Having never left the Americas, I am excited to see what Italy has to offer. I was accepted into the conference and immediately began filing all of the necessary paperwork required by the university for international travel. A daunting and overwhelming experience to say the least, however, it was made easier by discussing this with some of the department staff who guided me through everything. They've been wonderfully supportive and I know I wouldn't have been able to sift through it all without them. 

I'm extending my stay in Italy and my girlfriend is meeting me there. Together, her and I are going to travel for about 2 weeks through several different European countries (with a guided tour group). The whole experience looks like it will be an exciting adventure, exhausting but exciting. I'm glad my adventure buddy will be with me for this. 

Lastly, and most recently, in filing for graduation the university reviews your academic history and sends a summary know as a Degree Audit Report (DAR). Last week I received my DAR and did not look closely at it; however last night I began reading it and saw that one category of my degree had not been fulfilled. Immediately I had to reread the statement and began scanning for an explanation. I searched through out the document and found nothing. I had my parents read it, they too found nothing. Checking the online requirements I found that some of my classes may not have counted. My heart sank and I felt sick. I started recalculating everything trying to see where I've fallen short. In one attempt, I figured that I was about 2 units short. I felt even more ill and began to wonder how, between now and this PhD program, I would be able to fulfill this requirement. Questions like "when would I get this done?", "If you don't get your master's, will the PhD program rescind their offer?" and "how could I've let this happen?" began to fill my head. I spent another hour or so trying to identify what may be preventing my graduation. I finally fell asleep, but awoke this morning remembering the terror of the night before. I got myself into the lab and contacted some personel on campus. Much to my surprise, and my pleasure, it was simply that my "thesis units" have not been assigned a grade. My panic was over nothing and I spent the time worrying needlessly. Anticlimactic, I know, but I finally felt like I could breathe this morning and now can focus, once again on my edits for my thesis.

In less than a week from today...I will have defended my thesis, I will be in the final stages of graduation, and I will let nothing...not even my own procrastination attempts, stand in my way!!!

Onward and upward.

Wish me luck

"I'm in a glass case of emotion!"

This has been one of those crazy weeks; there have been ups, downs and everything in between.

On Sunday night, I pulled an all-nighter, working to complete my second round of revisions on my thesis. As I was doing this, I took a break to reflect upon what my options were for next year. Having only one confirmed acceptance, and having the deadline of April 15th rapidly approaching, I felt that I had no alternative but to sign the letter of acceptance. This meant that I would be moving out of state, to a place where I had no friends or family; I was scared to say the least, my parents were sad and though my girlfriend was being wonderfully supportive, I knew she didn't want to go. But I had to do what was best; so I signed my letter, scanned it and emailed it. My mom was visibly sad, crying at several points in the evening. I finished working on my thesis on Monday morning, having stopped to sleep between 2am and 6:30am, at 11:30am. I raced to campus where I turned it in to my professor and then returned home.

After a brief nap I spent the remainder of the day, and into the next morning, working on the slides I will use to present my thesis. Again, I stayed up working on them till about 2 and started again at 6:30am. I finished putting my slides together around 8am and did what I could to practice delivering my talk. I had a meeting with my advisor to practice these slides with her; I spoke for an hour and spent another 2 reviewing each slide and writing down revisions to them. The whole process was physically and mentally exhausting, but I got some great notes out of the experience and was grateful; these changes will make my talk go smoother and I will be more prepared for the kinds of questions I may be asked at the conclusion of my talk. 

Wednesday I spent the day working on an abstract that, hopefully, will get me sent to Italy at the conclusion of this semester for a week to present the data I've been working so hard to collect. After hours of revisions with my professor, we submitted the abstract. At the conclusion thereof, I paid for graduation, my cap and gown, and paid to have 3 copies of my thesis draft printed for my committee members (about $200 in all for everything). I spent the remainder of my day working on my slides again.

And then...well, and then yesterday happened. 

I entered my lab, again planning to devote most of the day to slide preparation. Early on in the morning I get a message from my best friend letting me know that him and his wife were in the hospital about to deliver their second child. (A brief background, we met in a class and became great friends. Later when he met his wife, I was asked to get ordained and officiate the wedding. He has included me in some pretty huge life events, including the birth of their daughter) This guy has become an older brother and I couldn't be happier or prouder of him. I'm excited for this new growing family. As I was patiently waiting by my phone for updates, I was also working on my slides. I took a brief break to have lunch and when I returned to my computer I had 3 emails. One of which was from the department chair of the school at which I had been wait listed with the subject "Good News."

Immediately, my heart began to race and I had to stop to read the email about 4 or 5 times. I wasn't really sure what I was reading was real. I snorted audibly at the situation. My professor, who was sitting behind me at a microscope heard and asked if I had sneezed. As I began to explain the email, she began celebrating and beaming with pride. My advisor is someone whom I've worked with for the last 6 years; she has become not just an advisor, but a mentor and one helluva friend. I know how excited she is for me and I feel very touched. I sent my family and girlfriend messages letting them know I would be attending my school of my choice. The news began to spread to friends and soon congratulations were coming in from every direction.

I feel like I just won the Lotto. I had just accepted the idea that I would be attending my backup school and settled on the idea. Now everything changed...In a heart beat. "In a New York minute" as the Eagles would say. It is amazing what one piece of information can do to your day. Everything seemed to flip up-sided down.

I couldn't be happier and cannot wait to start this new adventure. It will be in a place where I have plenty of friends, in addition to having my girlfriend with me. She'll have an opportunity to transfer positions (hopefully) to a financial institution which definitely helps with the financial issue of moving.

Now I just need to focus on the finish line.

Thesis defense date: April 29th

Thesis hardcopy due date: May 10th

Graduation date: May 21st

Meeting in Italy: May 25th

Here is to staying on task!

The Deadlines Approach

This will be a brief post as I really do have very little time lately.
I've been working diligently, the last week or so to make the needed corrections to my thesis; however, due to the large number of distractions present in the lab, I've found that I really am not making the necessary progress. I am hoping to have these done within the next few days as I also have to make quite a few corrections to my slides that will be used for my thesis defense. The defense itself is on the 29th of this month, a day that is rapidly approaching. Further, I am also approaching the point of no return with grad schools. My back-up school now appears, as I've mentioned previously, to be The school I will be attending; while I'm still not sure about being wait listed at the others, I will (in all likelihood) accept my current offer and, should the opportunity arrise to attend a different university, rescind my agreement and attend the other. This option is not one I'm fond of, however, it may be in my best interest.

Currently, I'm highly anxious, pensive and agitated  The number of corrections I have to make are extensive and time consuming. Some require more reading of primary literature while others require I construct figures to add to my paper. This is going to take quite a bit of time.

Wish me luck

You Don't Always Get What You Want

"But sometimes, you might just find, you get what you need."

It has now been several weeks since my last update, and there is a reason for that. I've been crazy with multiple things.

In the past 2 weeks I've been:

1) Working to create a presentation for my thesis
2) Ran a marathon (completed in 4hrs and 16 mins)
3) Finishing the experiments required for my thesis
4) Dealing with grad school rejections


Let's begin with number 1 shall we?

As with most labs, my PI (Principal Investigator) requires that all students present research and current data in the field. This is a beneficial exercise as it prepares us to speak infront of large groups about our research. This will hopefully prepare me for my thesis defense; however, I've been so busy with finishing the experiments for my thesis that I've had little to no time to prepare this presentation. So I'm currently working to put one together, due on Wednesday Evening, that will hopefully go well. My most recent attempt at this (presenting my data to my thesis committee) did not go well and I am hoping to do a better job here.

A week ago today I ran a marathon, my second one actually, and beat my time by 11 minutes. I'm very excited by this and slightly saddened. My goal, after last year's, was to beat my time by about 1 hr and complete the marathon in 3 hrs and 30 mins. Unfortunately, due to a few injuries that I sustained from running and lab work, I was unable to meet that goal. I had revised my attempt to be about 30 minutes faster and complete it in under 30 minutes. This was again stifled by working on my thesis; I took about 2 weeks off from running to complete my thesis and as such, my attempt was hampered. I am, never the less, still impressed with my ability to shave off the time that I did. The weekend of the marathon was fantastic; I got to spend some time with my parents and girlfriend, the three people who make me happiest, and got some time away from the lab. I enjoyed the experience and will be sad that I wont be around next year for it (because I will be off getting my PhD in a different area).

The past few weeks have been filled with failed experiments and head scratchers. I've worked, tirelessly, to find the answers to the questions my thesis seeks; however, it has been to no avail. It would appear, that there may have been a reason for this, and my own anal retentiveness was hindering my progress. If only I were more lazy, I may have gotten better results sooner. In attempting to "post-mordem" my results with my PI, we came to the conclusion that this was the case and as such, I shall attempt to salvage some of the data. If this works, and it is a BIG "if", then I'll be rather excited and shall be that much closer to a publication.

My second interview resulted in my being "wait-listed." I am disappointed to say the least. My "backup" school has now become the school that it appears I shall be attending for my PhD. That is not to say it is a bad school; it offers a wonderful curriculum, stipend, and amazing faculty. It just limits my access to the faculty who practice the research that I wish to work with. I am disappointed in myself, I suppose, because this shows that in those 15 minutes that I had with my interviewers, I wasn't "that good." Perhaps I could have done something differently... I don't know. I guess there is not much to do about it at this point. I could spend hours and days reliving what I could or should have done differently, but it wont change things.

And so, it looks like my ever supportive girlfriend and I shall be moving. We'll be off on a grand grad adventure and I couldn't think of anyone else I'd rather do this with than her. She's been so supportive through this whole process.

So what now? Well...now I guess I need to find an apartment, finish my thesis and enjoy my summer.

More updates to follow

Out of this moment of failure, I've found direction. I have a place to go to. It is certain, and I'll have my best friend there with me through it all. It is an awfully big adventure to have. But one that I can share.


I'm excited and terrified.

Let's see what this next week has to offer

The Last Interview?

My last scheduled interview is now over and I must say, I have a mixed set of emotions about the whole experience. I spent Thursday morning traveling and arrived to my destination at 11am; making the most of the time, I unpacked, ironed and caught a quick nap. I awoke starving and made my way down to the lobby to have a quick bite to eat. Eating quickly, I found that I had quit a large amount of time and so I decided to go explore the campus. I walked around for a while, taking pictures and looking at all of the nature surrounding me. It really was quite beautiful there. Several of my friends attend this school and I had plans on the first and second nights to meet them for drinks. Friend "A" called me early and asked if I was already on campus because he had a break; the two of us met up and he showed me his lab as well as around campus. I saw the undergraduates in their natural environment; something quite fun to observe. It was great catching up with him and we planned to meet later for drinks after he was done teaching. I returned to my hotel to read about the professors who I may be meeting with and then grabbed dinner. Having not much to do, I returned to my room and watched a few movies. After drinks with my friend, I figured I would call it a night and that is when my roommate showed up. He was a nice enough guy; he introduced himself and we exchanged pleasantries as he ironed his clothes in preparation for the next day. As soon as he was done, we both called it a night.

The first day of the actual interview was quite rapid. There were several faculty presentations where everything was discussed; from the funding the school receives to the requirements of the students. The faculty then gave a few presentations about their work (lasting several hours). We then were ushered to another building and here 3 more presentations were delivered where the facilities and associated businesses were reviewed. Finally we broke for lunch at 11 and it was at this time other graduate students from the program joined us. It was an excellent time to get to discuss labs and professors with them in an attempt to get their opinions. After lunch we had 2-15 minute interviews; 1 interview involved 3 professors and the other consisted of 3 graduate students. These interviews were conducted in a pannel like form and all asked similar questions. They were:

1) Discuss your current research
2) Why Immunology?
3) Why this school?
4) What do you like to do beyond science?

The other professors of course asked more questions than that and some were definitely more probing. I found the way that I was asked some of questions (i.e. tone or structure) to be mildly off-putting. I was hoping to meet with some of the professors on a one-on-one basis but that didn't seem to happen. After the interviews we were taken on several tours and then shuttled to a professor's house for dinner. Here we talked with more grad students and faculty. Again, I was hoping the faculty whose research I am interested would be present, but alas, they did not show. I returned back to my hotel room around 8 and my other friends took me to downtown to have a few beers and discuss the whole process. It was great seeing them and I gained some wonderful insight into how their university conducts the process.

The second day was much more brief; we began by having breakfast and heard several short lectures from professors about their work. There was then a student poster session, followed by 2 short talks from students about their work. Finally, a winner of the research was awarded, and the program director thanked all those who helped in the planning of the recruitment event. We were then set to have lunch when I got pulled for one more interview by one of the faculty who originally reviewed my application. She again asked almost the identical questions as before. My roommate and I were the only two to have such an experience and it left me wondering why? Of the number of applicants who attended, I have been lead to believe that about 50% of us will be offered admittance. So the question remains in my mind "Was this a good thing to have this additional interview? Was it because they were on the fence about us and they wanted to know more?" I don't know...I hope it went well. I guess we'll see soon.

Now back to the lab to finish experiments and data counting so I can finish, officially, my thesis.

Next at Bat

In total, it was almost a full week that passed between my initial projected deadline and my actual completion of my first draft. Though I am frustrated by the process, my professor seems supportive and understanding of the situation. I believe that this is something required for being a mentor; a kind of patience that I do not necessarily possess...or have yet to acquire.

Having completed my first draft, I uploaded it to a third party site so that my professor could download it (as it is too big to email) and immediately began putting together data for my thesis committee meeting. I began preparing this presentation at 1:00pm on Sunday afternoon and finished around 1:30am Monday, stopping occasionally for a few food breaks. Though not fully prepared or practiced, I presented my research to my thesis committee at 1:00pm Monday afternoon. Lasting a little longer than an hour and 30 minutes, I was thoroughly exhausted; having stood and spoken for that long, I was glad when I was once again finally able to sit and have some water. The whole process was very similar to a lab meeting where we present our data to our lab-mates, they are allowed to interrupt and as questions through out the process. This, however, I was not necessarily ready for and quite frequently lost my train of thought; something I obviously saw frustrating my professor as she watched me speak. The lesson that I've learned throughout my under/graduate career is that I am not one who can speak extemporaneously about my work. I need practice and time to make sure I get the points out that need to be made in a clear and logical order.

Having completed two major milestones for this week, I took a small break in the form of dinner and a few drinks with my parents before beginning to read a paper that I need to present to my research lab for Wednesday's meeting. This entry serves as yet another break from that endeavour as I find myself trying desperately to stay focussed on the subject at hand, but lacking the energy required. This presentation must be completed by Wednesday evening, before 5pm. The post celebratory event will be to return home only to pack my belongings and prepare myself for the journey of Thursday; I am to travel, once again, to another interview. It too, is a two day process. I may have a roommate and so I do not know that I will be able to record here my adventures. However, I shall, to the best of my abilities, steal away to write when I can and then upload the results.

In the weeks and months yet to come, there are a lot of things to accomplish before I have a final draft of my thesis. There are experiments yet to run and data still to quantify. I don't know how I'll do it all, I am exhausted already and I know I have a marathon to run in less than a month. What will happen next is anyone's guess. I am glad, thus far, that I've committed to writing at least once a week; it has served as an excellent source to vent frustration and exhaustion.

Wish me luck on my interview.

Missed it by THAT much

To quote Steve Carell..."Missed it by THAT much!!!!"

2 days have passed since my deadline and I have not completed my thesis. This was partially my fault and partially not.

As I was entering the final stretch of what would be my first draft, my computer suddenly became glitchy. Without cause or warning, it wouldn't let me save my thesis. Something was drastically wrong and I didn't know what. Having a Mac, I used the "repair disk utility" to see if something was wrong. A few minutes later I discovered that something indeed had gone awry, but it was fixable and fixed. I opened my thesis once again and began working. Unfortunately, a matter of minutes passed and my work was once again compromised. This time, I was highly suspecting something more malicious to be present causing the damage. I installed a malware search program to identify any wrong-doers and dispose of them accordingly. To my surprise, it was clean. Strange to say the least. As I began the disk repair again, it noted several corruptions, though it said that it was unable to repair the damage as it was running on the OS. I had to restart my computer and repair from the Rescue/Repair menue. Easy enough I thought. Before I restarted though, I saved back-up copies of my thesis and relatable files to Google-Drive (an online storage space...I highly recommend using it). I restarted my computer and ran the disk-repair.

Much to my dismay, there was a hard-disk error that was not repairable. My heart sank and I was sick. It suggested my backing everything up and Formatting my hard-drive. Oddly enough, it would not let me re-enter my computer to do so. I was stuck with what I had saved online and saved on my external hard drive (mostly everything... I routinely backup my hard drive every 10 days out of sheer paranoia for such an event as this). I raced to retrieve my thesis and informed my professor of the damage. Having a very understanding and heartfelt talk, she let me know it was okay and that she understood. Calmly I returned home to begin the process of repair.

I initially restored my computer from a previous back-up point. Not a bad solution, taking ~3 hours to do so, I was back in business and began typing away, working at lost figures/legends and all other manner of thesising. Within a half hour, my computer was once again...down. I decided to do a quick format of the hard drive and re-install everything. Luckily for me, I am a minor packrat and hold on to all of my electronics. I have a spare macbook that I was never willing to part ways with and so, I turned to it, my old and trusty friend. As my newest shiny toy was being stripped of all of its files and reinstalled, I began cautiously working on my old one. As I opened my back-up copies, I found that they too, were not functional and so, the corruption was one far reaching beyond my efforts to prevent such a disaster.

A modest amount of work was achieved as I was...disheartened to say the least. Such an event as this takes a lot out of a person...to see my efforts gone, through no fault of my own...no malicious program...no nothing...I felt scared to begin again and the full force of my passion and brain were not behind this. As the night progressed, I watched as the re-installation of my OS occurred (initially saying it would take 12 hours...and then 6) time dragged on. I decided not much would be accomplished at 11pm and so I closed up shop. I was, however, unable to sleep. I finally was greeted by the Sandman at 2am, only to be stirred awake by my Mac, an hour later, letting me know of its completion. A joyous moment, sure, but not one to be having at 3am. I grabbed my external hard drive and had it begin its process of restoration, replacing every file and program from my most recent backup. Hurray for this.

In the midst of everything. I found that the cause of the corruption was the fact that my thesis was "Too Big." To be clear, my thesis was in the 40-50 page range...however, due to figures and charts, the file size was 30+MB. Indeed a large file. Though Microsoft and Mac deny the claims, there are several forums which clearly describe when a file reaches a certain point in Office 2011, there is a problem that arises and this is it. A permanent hard-disk corruption. There is no alternative but to format it and anything new is lost. As I'm not the only one who has experienced this issue, I feel somewhat consoled and somewhat violated. I am angry with both companies...but mostly Microsoft. Having a prejudice against them, I recognize that I must take this into account, but their program cost me time, and energy...though there was no blood, plenty of tears and sweat were poured over this and it only enrages me further. Mac's Pages does not have this problem and I love them for it.

Most of yesterday was reserved for not writing, as it was my birthday and I felt compelled to enjoy it, as much as I could, despite the tragedy. I  removed Microsoft office 2011 from my computer only to find that the version of EndNote I possess would not function with Microsoft 2008. Disgruntled, I removed EndNote and restarted my computer. Alas, components remain and so, today, as I write from my Lab, my newest Mac is once again being Formatted (this time, at the most thorough level...doing a 7-pass sweep to ensure deletion. When I return home, I shall re-install the OS and hopefully continue my work from my newest computer.


Lesson's learned:

1) 1 back up isn't good enough
2) Don't just over-write a old file with a new update. Save Save SAVE
3) Keep old electronics. They may save you
4) Sometimes, you need to sit back, say "FUCK IT" and have some whiskey


Note: I discovered the conflict that caused the corruption to be the cause of an incompatibility between MS 2011 and Time Machine (a program responsible for systematic back-ups on the Mac). This problem normally isn't fatal, however, when a file larger that 30MB is being worked on, it becomes so.

For those who doubt and for those who wish to see for themselves: Microsoft Forum on Autosave/Time Machine


Additionally, I received another "No Thank You" from another school.

New Score:
Yes- 1
Interview - 1
No - 5
Unknown - 4

First Official Acceptance

Though it came as no surprise to me, and I am aware that may make me sound rather cocky, I received my official first acceptance to a PhD program in Immunology. It happened yesterday, though I had too much to do to really reflect on the idea. I still have quite a bit more that must be done, but I have to say...The idea of going to school, out of state, has definitely grown on me. I'm still waiting to see if I get any other offers before I make my decision, but it feels great knowing that I officially have a position waiting for me if I so choose. It would be tough leaving my home state for roughly 6 years, but there are 2 weeks of allotted time off and I would make every effort I could to return home to visit family and friends.

I have one more interview coming up, which I hope will result in an acceptance letter as well. The deciding factor for me may be what "feels" better. Specifically, what professors I think I could work with for 6 years and not get completely frustrated with and vise-versa.

Time for more reading/thesis stuff

Here Comes Crunch Time

The time left until my first rough draft of my thesis is due is quickly coming up and I've still got quite a lot to do. I'm currently holding at the 30 page mark and focussing my attention on reading articles that will be helpful for the introduction. So far, I'm 7 articles in and have about 40+ more to go. The current dead-line is the 11th of this month. So, I figure if I do nothing but read for the next several days and then spend a couple days writing, I could meet that goal. Of course, I still have to write a discussion section and finish off the results area...but those are minor details. The clock is ticking...

This past weekend, rather than working and stressing on my thesis, was spent celebrating my 3 year anniversary with my girlfriend. It was a wonderful get away and was very much needed. We did nothing but relax, have good food and lots of alcohol. I even scheduled us a couple's massage, so that helped with the stress of what was to come. The scenery was lovely and it made for quite a nice anniversary/valentine's day present.

Also, I've scheduled a meeting with my thesis committee for 1 week after my draft is due to my advisor. This is the prelude to a lab meeting I will have just 2 days after this talk (on a completely different subject). The following day (Feb 21st) I leave for my next interview. So, These next few days...things will be very close and the pressure is on.

On top of all of this, my birthday is coming up, as is valentine's day...so I have several evenings that will be spent with family and my girlfriend which means less time on the presentations. That isn't a bad thing, I mean, no one can work 24/7 on science...you'd just go insane. Well...Tesla could, but he was the exception.

I suppose I've procrastinated reading for long enough and I've fulfilled my requirement to myself of writing once a week.

Back again I go.

Someone wish me luck.

The First Interview

1/23/13

It is the eve of my first grad school interview and though I have an itinerary of what will follow in the next several days, I am still unsure of what to expect. I have several one-on-one meetings with people on the graduate committee tomorrow and don't know what kind of questions they'll ask, which I find worrisome.

I've met the competition, most of them anyway, and they seem nice enough. Two of the work for a university "Core" facility currently and one is an undergrad. For those unfamiliar, a "Core" facility is just that...a program the university runs that acts as its own autonomous entity (at least to my understanding) that produces research as well as products used for assays for purchase.

Where these students have the ability to do high throughput screening and work, I feel like the process of achieving my masters in a university where I have to write my thesis, puts me at a slight advantage over them; I mean, that is a requirement for a PhD...a thesis defense and several publications. So you have to demonstrate that you can write and produce results, which I think I've shown in my application.

In any case, I've travelled to my destination and as I sit here, reviewing those on the committee I will meet tomorrow (reading some of their research), I think what an interesting moment this really is. I mean, they've paid for me to travel here and stay at a fairly nice hotel for 2 days...that must mean that they are interested in me. Hopefully I don't screw it up too badly.

We'll see what happens tomorrow

1/25/13

The second day of interviews has come to an end and it has been thoroughly exhausting. In 2 days, I've met with countless people and had more food than I am used to eating.

It has all become a whirl wind and I know that it wasn't by accident. It was to showcase only the best parts that this school has to offer and tuck away anything that may detract. Yesterday contained, among many other things, 3 one-on-one meetings with different admissions people; I felt it went daily well, but really, how do you know? Today also contained 3 individual meetings but this time it was with perspective faculty. The first meeting was...not a good fit, nice guy but no funding and I don't know how well we'd interact...he seemed more of a hands off prof. The second meeting went well, I met with a leader in the field who, due to recent funding yrs, also doesn't have funding but was filled with friendly advice and spent a wonderful half hour talking shop. My third and final prospective professor was by far my most fun. Also a leader in her field, she explicitly discussed having me in her program and talked about the work she'd have me do. I have to say, it sounds amazing and I would be very happy to be a part of her research team.

I have arrived back to the airport, earlier than the other students (I requested to be returned prior to the 26th due to a prior commitment). I was told, by two of the organisers, that the decision on my application would be made soon....but I would be very happy.

Here is to a safe flight home

Note:

My flight home was interesting. As I sat at the airport waiting my flight, a candidate from another program at the same university I was just at (whom I'd not met previously) struck up a conversation about the whole process. Quite an interesting single serving friend.

Additionally, I've returned home to find another rejection letter. I do know that it wasn't the school I necessarily wanted, but no one likes getting rejected. I know that, based on the website of another university, if I didn't hear of a request for an interview by today then I would be receiving a rejection notice. Alas, today has come and gone and no email.

Oh well, we do what we can when we can, where we can.

New score:
1 interview completed
1 more to go
4 Nos
5 unknown

Feeling the Pressure

The whole process of moving onto the next chapter of my life is coming to a head and I feel the pressure.

My timescale of events is compacted and severely impacted. Everything is coming, like a 90mph fastball down home plate...the question is, can I hit it?

In three weeks I am supposed to turn in a rough draft of my thesis to my advisor. Three weeks...I am only 20+ pages in...have easily another 50-80 more to go and my time is rapidly dwindling.

I have a graduate school interview at the end of this week...a 2 day long interview and a day for travel, that eats up a lot of time. I've got a concert to see and a 3 day weekend get-away with my girlfriend for our 3 yr anniversary. I see all of the events I've committed myself to and I question why I painted myself into the corner I now find myself in.

Three weeks isn't a lot of time to finish this thing.

On top of it all, I have yet to hear back from the remaining 7 universities. I've looked at their websites and blogs to check for a date when they would be making their decisions known. One is tomorrow and the others are dispersed through out the next several weeks. The anticipation is slowly killing me and is highly distracting. These emails will decide where I spend the next 6+ years of my life; this process is brutal and I want it, so very badly, to be over. I know I have a wonderful support system telling me it will be okay; my parents and girlfriend could not be more supportive, but there is still a lot of doubt.

I know that only time will tell, and in these moments there is nothing to do but to do my best and be productive. Spend the energy I am wasting worrying on my writing or my final areas of research. That would be marvelously useful, and I will do my utmost to do just that.

At times like these...the ones fraught with stress, worry, and the ever present question "what will happen next?"...I reflect on the words from one of my favorite movies, Big Fish:

"I was thinking about death and all. About seeing how you're gonna die. I mean, on one hand, if dying was all you thought about, it could kind of screw you up. But it could kind of help you, couldn't it? Because you'd know that everything else you can survive."

I know that I'll survive it all...I would, I guess, just love to know...I guess I will soon enough.

Planning for Spontaneity

I am a planner.

I plan things. I'm generally not one who leaves much to chance; well, the best I can. I realize the irony of becoming a scientist and not liking surprises. I mean, who does that? To loosely quote M. Cartmill, "This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls."

Scientists are planners, we even plan for failure. We plan what experiments we will do next if the one we are running fails, what parameters to change or what other ways a problem can be studied. It comes with the job, which is why, I think, I make a pretty damn good scientist.

But I really do want to be spontaneous. I watch movies and I see these adults take off, in the middle of the night, or the middle of a work day, to go on some crazy adventure. They never seem to have a worry or care about what will happen if they don't come back on time, or if they don't meet their goals. Maybe that is just all part of Hollywood.

But maybe not. Maybe that has to do with being more free spirited than I allow myself to be.
I do plan to be spontaneous, an oxymoron, I know.

I think about being spontaneous, and when I may do something spontaneous. Really, that just turns into planning. Take for example, spending time with my girlfriend. Sometimes we'll go grocery shopping together and I'll buy her flowers while we're there, a premeditated act to say the least. Generally I know what kind of flowers the market stocks and I keep an eye out for them. The plan to buy her flowers has already been something I've been thinking of for a while and so, since the opportunity presented itself, I decide to act on a thought that I've been having. It seems like we've just passed some flowers and I buy them....but I've been thinking about it for days.

Even now, I'm sitting in my lab, trying to get some work done and I think about taking off on an adventure. Driving to my girlfriend's house, picking her up and going to listen to the sounds of the ocean waves as they crash on the beach. But I stop myself...all I can think of is "You could do that, but it will take 30 minutes to get there, and then how long will you stay? It's already late...she has work in the morning and you have lab work. Best to save that for another time." And so I stay to work...but my bigger question is "WHAT OTHER TIME?!"

How do I stop myself from doing this? Is there some sort of release from this that I am unaware of?

I'm not sure, but I do know that sometimes I wish I could just not plan...just go with the flow and let everything sort itself out. Some people go their whole lives that way and seem completely happy. I know I don't want that much spontaneity, that would drive me insane. But a bit wouldn't be the end of the world.


I guess it boils down, simply, to my being jealous of people who aren't planners. Maybe a side of me that questions science and wants something "less sure."

I think it is just a case of the grass always being greener.

I did spontaneously start writing...I know, I know, a regular wild guy over here

Whatever...
back to research

Accepting that not everyone will accept

I knew, when I began applying for some PhD programs that a few were definitely beyond my reach; that is not to say that I am not qualified, some are just more prestigious than others and as such, more competitive. In the last few days I've received a second request for an interview, definitely a boost to my ego. I've felt that I was on top of the world and clearly I was more competitive than what I believed myself to be. These schools use a pressure technique to get you to come to their school, leaving very little time to make up your mind and respond. Needless to say, so far it has worked... they played a tune and I danced...and I danced happily I might add.

These emails that I have received, thus far, have given no hint as to what lays within the attachments; there is some file usually attached, with a mildly ambiguous title I might add, located at the bottom of a completely vague letter. Much to my surprise they have, thus far, been invitations to visit a program and offered to pay the travel expenses. 

I did, however, receive my very first rejection letter today. A minor blow to my ego, to say the least. Again, the structure of the email followed a very similar format, very mild in tone and unwilling to divulge any information until the attachment was viewed. I saw, however, that this email was slightly different; perhaps the author of it hadn't attended the School of Drafting Graduate Letters, or perhaps he was simply defiant of those old habits. The key word that tipped its hat, winked at me and got my hopes sky high, was the word "decision." 

Part of me knew that it was too soon to have one of those, it couldn't be good news, nothing ever this quick would be. I wanted to believe the best, after all, I had two interviews already; what if this school didn't need to see me in person, what if they just knew I would fit? I think my ego betrayed me here, it let my hopes sky-rocket, see past what I knew and what I felt to be true.

 I tried to open this attachment from my phone, but it was to no avail. This PDF wasn't like others, it was simply stuck in a perpetual state of loading...making no progress beyond 0% (an ominous sign if I've ever seen one). Finally, the anticipation of what lay within this letter was too great and I had to excuse myself from the lunch I was having with my friends to quell the questions that were bubbling inside. My hands were shaking with anticipation and I was so excited to see what this school had to say. I entered my lab and opened my laptop. It took a brief moment to find the email; rather than wasting the time to download the PDF, I simply asked for the "Quick View." As my eyes began to go through the lines, reading about the other applicants, my heart sank.

"I regret to inform you...."

And that removed one of my options.

It wasn't even a school I was particularly enthused to attend...but it was an option, and a high ranking school. Although, until I began this quest for grad school, I hadn't heard of it. But that doesn't matter. I spent time and energy applying and I was sad to see that something I wanted, even distantly, wasn't available. 

It stung and hurt my pride.

But, to quote Mel Brooks' Young Frankenstein, "No, no. Be of good cheer. If science teaches us anything, it is to accept our successes as well as our failures with quiet, dignity and grace." Never mind the thing that immediately follows.

It is, after all, only 1 out of 11. Of the schools that have responded, I am 2/3...good odds so far. I will happily take those opportunities, hope there are a few more to follow, and see where all the dust settles. 

Lesson from this: No one ever gets 100% on everything, first instincts are generally the correct ones, and we all have disappointments. There are many versions of this, but this is what is in my head: We all get knocked down, what matters most is what you do when you get back up

EDIT:

1/10/13
Within the last hour I received a rejection letter from one of the schools I had my heart set on. That notice stung to say the least. It hurt knowing that my dream school didn't see me as a dream applicant. Though I do have faults as a student, I feel that I am a fairly well rounded student. I have several awards, a publication, a fairly high GPA and have attended several big name conferences to present my research. It leaves me asking the question "What more could they want? What do the others have that I don't? What could I have done differently?"

I don't know, and I wont. What I do know, is that I am extremely disappointed. I am, once again, very uncertain of my future in academia. A job in the private sector does seem enticing, especially since, I've received a phone call from a head-hunter for the science community and a few requests for job applications.

New Score: 2 Interviews- 2 Nos- 7 schools unanswered 

Thoughts on the Universe

Though this post is seemingly tangential to the path to a PhD, it is a subject that falls within the scope of this blog. It combines knowledge in science and a bit of philosophy. And since the following occurred while working to obtain my master's degree, I feel that it qualifies to be shared here.

Months ago, one night, as I was studying or reading (the actual event that inspired the thought escapes me now) I had a thought about the origins of the universe. The Big Bang is the event that the scientific community acknowledges created the universe, but science has yet to explain what occurred before this moment. None of the technology we currently have can explain it. We can, however, explain the moments immediately following it. We also know that the universe is ever expanding and growing...an interesting thought really. So beyond the bounds of the growing universe what exists? Nothingness? An absence of matter? It begs a lot of questions that I do not pretend to know or even understand. 

What I do know from my limited knowledge of physics is that something that is expanding will, at some point, slow and reach a maximum. At that point, the expanding will cease and the universe will begin to collapse. A haunting thought really...all that we know, as it exists will fall inward upon itself and the universe will be no more. But I postulate that this really isn't the end...All of the components, the subatomic particles and everything else, that were here at the very beginning will be brought together again. And in that moment, there is the possibility that it will start again. 

And so...I suggest the following. The reason we can't know about the moments before the big bang is because that there was another universe in its place. I argue that the universe expands and collapses, cyclically, in a breathing fashion. When one universe collapses another is born and everything starts anew. There is no real big bang, but a series of them. I see it as rhythmic, perhaps even melodic...beautiful really. 

I've discussed this idea with a few people and they've all commented on how sad that seemed. That the universe, this one we are in, everything that has been, is or will be, is but a breath...it makes life seem trivial to some. Overwhelming and depressing is how it has been described. But I disagree, I think this thought is, and should be, liberating. A single life may not even register as a blip on the radar screen, so what we as individuals do, may not matter in the grand scheme that is the universe. 

Life can be inconsequential. 

That idea should resonate in our minds...it should cause a stir within us; it should mean that at any given moment, we may exist no longer and so we should take advantage of the time we have. Use it to its extent and leave nothing unattempted. There should be nothing holding us back from doing that which makes us truly happy. I'm not advocating recklessness, what I am saying is that the fear that prevents us from stepping outside our comfort zones should be disregarded. 

Though our life may have no greater meaning (in a higher sense, in the universe...etc.), we give it meaning by those we impact with our existence. What we do may leave lasting impressions for only moments...but our actions can have the potential to reach beyond time and touch those in millennia to come. So do nothing and do everything. Make mistakes and take chances...because it all may be just a breath away from being over.

There is, of course no right answer to this, and we'll never know for sure who is right or wrong...it is however, if nothing else, an interesting thought experiment.

Also, check out this from NdT, whose thoughts on life and existence should cause everyone to view life a little differently   

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9D05ej8u-gU